On the cusp of a New Year...

"Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man." Benjamin Franklin

I'm not a New Year's Resolution-making type of person. Never have been. Let's be real, no one really keeps them. Well, most don't. My sister once made a resolution not to drink the whole year (back when we weren't exactly walking with the Lord) and she kept it. I was pretty proud of her for it... I think those times were the beginnings of us starting to little by little hear the Lord's calling for us to come back to Him.

Anyway, this year, I have changed things up a little and made a resolution for myself: Put God first, then others, then myself.

I was doing okay this year with my relationship with the Lord and being positive--I was really growing. Then, all of a sudden, I fell right back into self-pity, lack of trust in the Lord, loss of joy, etc. Not cool. All of that has it's roots in SELFISHNESS. I know this. Hence, my resolution.

So, Lord, help me to remember You above all things and then to put others before myself... not for show, not for praise, but because it's right and good in Your sight. Help me to re-discover my need and want for YOUR will and not my own. Light a bright, burning flame in my heart for You and Your ways. May this new year be filled with hope, joy, and blessings that come from a deeper relationship with You. In Jesus' mighty name, Amen!

Why don't you grow a pair, Mr. President?

Say what you will about our last President (I for one had a lot to say about the man at times), he definitely did a better job at keeping us safe and calling a Terrorist a Terrorist.

On Christmas, a man tried to blow up a plane that was about to land in Detroit--as in OUR SOIL. He tried to commit a terrorist attack on us, but failed only because his equipment malfunctioned.

When are our President and all his loving followers going to get it through their thick skulls that no matter how much you bend over and kiss the butts of our enemies they are going to STILL continue to hate us. We are the Devil to them. We deserve to die simply because we have different beliefs, are richer than them, etc. Basically, for no good reason.

Cal Thomas says it best in his article today:

This latest incident [the Christmas Day attempt] and the killings at Fort Hood, Texas, by a Muslim Army officer ought to be a verdict on the Obama administration's strategy of apologizing for America and reaching out to Muslim nations. None of it has mollified terrorist states or terrorists operating within those states, or for that matter potential terrorists operating within the U.S.

Administration officials have acknowledged the strong likelihood of terrorist cells in the United States. The question should not be how to make terrorists like us, but how to find them, eliminate them and, most important of all, keep them from entering the country in the first place.

The Obama administration, like the Clinton administration, continues to view terrorists as criminals who ought to be subject to the American judicial system. In fact, they are soldiers in a war unlike any this country has ever faced. Until we start treating these people as soldiers and not criminals, there will be more incidents like this, as there have been previous ones. Without a serious approach to domestic terrorism, the next attempted attack on an airliner might succeed, as did the ones during another less serious time which gave us 9-11.

Get it together, Obama. You can cater to these people all you want, but when you open the door to them and they come rushing in, they aren't going to give you a hug and say Thanks... they are going to pull out a saber and cut your head off with it.

Baby K's never gonna live this down...

I forgot to mention, in my Christmas Wrap-up post, something funny that happened while the kids were opening presents Christmas morning. Kaylin was going at it and got to a present that had a card. She lifted it up and we were like, "What does it say, Kaylin?"

She lifts up the card and proudly yells, "Happy Chappy Birthday!"

We all immediately burst into laughter. It was hilarious. Baby K of course stopped and looked at us like, "How dare you laugh at me."

We all started to cheer and repeat what she said. It was hysterical. She's so never gonna live that one down.

Happy Chappy Birthday, Jesus! =)

Christmas Wrap-up (pun intended)

LOL. I make myself laugh.

Anyway..... MERRY (belated) Christmas!

It was very nice this year (after all that whining and crying about stuff, right?). I really enjoyed the time spent with family.

Christmas Eve was spent with Kim's in-laws. That was nice, but I left a little early because I was beat. I just wanted to hit the hay.

Christmas morning was amazing. We met up at Sandy's this year and her future in-laws and her blood sister, Vicki, were there. Dad and I made breakfast and Juan's mom made pozole. Everyone pigged out. We even had mimosas (sorry, Jesus. lol). The kids opened their presents first. Then Katie read from the Word, we all prayed together, and then we opened our Secret Santa gifts. Everyone seemed to be pleased with what they got.

I was very happy with what I got because it was all stuff I asked for:

-Sarah Palin's book Going Rogue. Yes!!! She really is one of my heroes. We are very much alike--we both believe in standing up for what you believe, no matter how much people might hate you for it. Ahem... media. lol

-A large-barrel curling iron. Yeeeeesssss! I have been wanting one so badly so that I can flip my hair out and so that I can be lazy on those days were I don't feel like blow-drying my hair. I'm a woman and I like my hair to be pretty... what can I say...

-An iPod adapter for the car stereo. The car's older (2001) and doesn't have MP3 player capabilities, so I needed a cassette tape adapter so I can finally hear my music in the car when I want to. Yay!

In addition to what my Secret Santa got me, my mom gave me a Victoria Secret body spray, lotion, and body wash combo that someone gave her and didn't want. Thanks! She also gave me a $75 Nordstrom's gift card that someone gave her that she knows she's not going to use. I'm going to use it to buy a purse and to surprise her with a little something, since it WAS supposed to go to her anyway. She deserves something special also.

Back to Christmas day: After Sandy's, I spent the remainder of the day with Mandy and the family. I gave her her gift (a mug I had made with all the pictures of her kids and grandkids on it), which made her cry. Victory! lol. Then we ate Christmas dinner and went to see the Chipmunks: The Squeaquel. It wasn't the greatest, but Baby loved it, so that's all that matters.

So yeah, like I said, Christmas was amazing this year. It really ended up being a very joyful occasion.

Thank you, Lord. Help me to remember Your most special gift the whole year round! It's all about YOU, Jesus.

Just an itty bitty reminder about Christmas...

Come to Bethlehem and see
Him whose birth the angels sing;
Come, adore on bended knee
Christ, the Lord,
The new-born King.

Gloria in excelsis Deo,
Gloria in excelsis Deo.

With all my whining and complaining, I have hardly stopped to remember what this time is about: JESUS! Not me. Not my problems.

It’s about a loving and just God, who made a way for us to be saved. He left the most amazing place ever to exist, where He was surrounded by glory and being worshiped, and became a lowly man who would give His life so that we wouldn’t lose ours. He walked this earth and felt the pains that we’ve felt, including loneliness, hurt, and rejection. He knew what He was in for and did it anyway He was born and voluntarily died because He loves us beyond description and words. All He wants in return is our full dedication to Him, which is not too much to ask.

Christmas is about CHRIST! Bottom line. Period.

Thank you, Lord… for what You did, for loving us, for Your forgiveness and patience with me. You are all that matters. Amen!

Gloria in exelsis Deo – Glory to God in the Highest

My new Holiday tradition: Christmas Pretzels

This year, since I'm broke with a capital "B," I decided to make a yummy treat as a gift for my co-workers--thoughtful AND cheap. lol. I immediately thought of chocolate-covered pretzels. They are great because they are both sweet and salty in one scrumptious little package.

Well, I hit up Michael's and got almost everything I needed: Melting chocolates (in Blue [for my Jewish boss], White, and Red), wax paper, and Christmas sprinkles. The pretzels I got at Big Lots of all places. I was able to find a large 36 oz. container of pretzel sticks for 5 bucks. With all those supplies I made around 60+ pretzels. Not bad at all. All for around $30. NOT BAD AT ALL!

Well, everyone enjoyed them.... A LOT. So much so that I was getting requests for more. So last weekend, I got all the fixins (including regular-style pretzels--see picture) and made another batch for my co-workers and for my mom's family, since we were having my Mom's family's Christmas dinner. Again, they were a hit.

I have a feeling these will end up being my yearly gift. Fine with me. I got way more for my money with this gift. Plus, I have a feeling I'll be getting requests. =)

Trying to see hope through Christmas blues...

Just read this Boundless article by Suzanne. She's my favorite Boundless writer. Although she was just married recently, she has gone through practically the same exact struggles with singleness and trusting in God that I have. She is the proof that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Anyway, she writes about lonliness in Christmas:

It's so much worse being single at Christmas. For the past decade I've wistfully listened to the Mariah Carey song "All I Want For Christmas is You," longing for someone to want. At times I've even manufactured someone, just to dull the nagging impression that no one wants me.

When we're bereft of romantic possibilities, we believe things like that — that nobody wants us. And it's easy to take it a step farther to nobody ever will. Sure, I would never have said that out loud or even believed it on a conscious level. But when you're lonely, there's something sinister underneath that whispers, "Nobody wants you. You are not the kind to be desired."

Though friends and moms and friends' moms assure you that you are "a catch," the proof is in the Christmas pudding, as they say, and you wonder why — if it's true that you're so loveable — no viable suitors seem to have gotten the memo.

SERIOUSLY! I couldn't have put it better myself. You can't help but feel like you must be so undesireable simply for the seemingly obvious fact that you can't seem to find someone. It's hard not to feel like it's never going to happen:

You can convince yourself for short, sparkly moments that you are indeed fabulous and confidence is bolstered. Dress-up Christmas parties and holiday events provide those hope-moments of meeting someone Hollywood-style. But when nothing ultimately materializes you crash down to reality: "So it's really true. I knew it. I'm alone."

But alas, she gets to a fact that only puts a wrench in your pity party, and which forces you to stop thinking about YOURSELF:

The thing is, that ugly feeling that I am unwanted and unloved couldn't be farther from the truth. Christmas is a reminder of that. God loved me so incredibly that He became a man so that He could experience what it's like to be human. He experienced rejection and loneliness. And ultimately, He gave His life so that I could have a relationship with Him. He chose me to be his daughter, so I never have to be alone.

*sigh*

Like Suzanne says, though, "having faith for what you cannot see feels unbearable at times." I guess it's up to me to choose not to let it get me down. There is a reason to hope and have faith. Suzanne herself ended up being given the gift she wanted so badly soon thereafter, so I know there is hope for me:

As I snuggled up on the couch with a blanket and watched my nephews tear into their gifts, I had no idea that my future husband was experiencing his own melancholy Christmas back in Colorado. That we would meet for coffee three short weeks later.

Though my attempts at holiday happiness had been futile, God knew what I needed. Though I was weary of spending Christmases alone, God knew that it was the last one. And though I glimpsed the promise dimly, He was already fulfilling it.

Lord, please don't give up on me and help me not to give up on You.

I wonder how many married people read my blog...

... and say to themselves, "Thank GOD, I'm not single anymore!" LOL

Just a thought.... I would if I were you....

Bah Humbug!

I can’t wait until Christmas is over. I’m way too stressed and I’ve been eating way too much crap (thanks a lot co-workers and your “Eight Days of Treats)! I wouldn’t be surprised if I have put back on 5 lbs. Gah!

I also, despite all my efforts to the contrary, cannot stop feeling like a lonely loser. I hate it. Christmas is not for 28-year-old, single chicks. It’s for kids and families and husbands and wives and girlfriends and boyfriends. Get the picture? Just like Valentine’s, I can’t help but feel like all the hype is designed to make the single person feel like crap. It should be about Jesus, just like Valentine’s should be about love for all, not just romantic love. Gah!

On top of that stupid crap, I am also stressed about money. I did VERY well with my shopping, but I still dropped almost $300, which is A LOT of money for me right now. That could have paid off the rest of a credit card. I think next year I’m just going to say, “Sorry, everyone. The only ones who are getting gifts from me are the kids.” But even that costs me a fortune because I have to renew my goddaughter’s Disneyland Season Pass every Christmas. I may have to stop doing that too. I love Baby and I want her to be able to do Disneyland regularly, but I also would like to get married WITHOUT debt.

I’m just not doing well right now and the sooner this is all over the better.

At least I have one thing to look forward to: Moving back to my Mom’s after the New Year. With that comes a new routine, decorating (cause that house needs it and with my Mom out I’ll have control… muahaha!), and getting involved at my new church, which will hopefully lead to meeting new people of the male persuasion.

The bad thing I have to look forward to after this is all over: losing the weight that I am sure to gain after all these stinking "holiday treats" I’ve been eating… Gah!

Loud and Clear

So the Lord is now pounding it into my head that I need to "be still and know that [He] is God." Everywhere I turn there are articles and stories on being content and making use of my singleness to serve the Lord. This article, In the Meantime: What to Do While Waiting on God, was Today's Boundless featured article and was particularly personal and timely. Here is an excerpt:

"No one knows how long their Meantime will last. Could be a few months, or a lifetime. But one thing's always certain: If our priority is finding another person, we'll never be satisfied [emphasis mine]..."

Yeah, that was so for me. I needed to read this. I needed to be reminded that nothing--including marriage or even God's promises--should be coming before my relationship with God. He needs to be #1 because at the end of the day He is the only one who can fulfill me. If He's not #1 when I do finally "find" my husband, things are going to go terribly awry. Why? Because I will learn the hard way that my husband can't fill the hole in my heart the way the Lord does. That's a recipe for trouble, in life and in my marriage.

Lord, help me to seek after You. Take away this desire for marriage, Lord, because it's getting in the way of You and me. =(

You know you need to stop complaining when...

... some guy who isn't even walking with the Lord is telling you to trust in His plan for you and quoting scripture like, "Be still and know that I am God." (Psalms 46:10) Yikes!

Okay okay.... I get it....

And yes, that was Internet guy putting me in my place. He's a good guy and I'm glad to have him as a friend. I appreciated his forthrightness and his admonishment. You know someone is your friend when they tell you what you need to hear, even when you don't want to hear it... ESPECIALLY when it's godly counsel.

Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. Proverbs 27:6

Just got a little better...

HAHAHA... okay this is funny: http://yourstatusisannoying.com/

The sad part is that I wouldn't be surprised if one of my status updates on FB ended up on this site. I'm such a loser. LOL!

Yes, I'm angry...

I admit it. Right now I am a little miffed with God. I’m trying my best not to be, but I am. I’m going to be extremely honest right now: I feel like He’s letting me down.

I know that sounds horrible. I know it’s stupid, but it’s how I FEEL right now, whether it’s the truth or not. In reality, I know that God is not letting me down. He’s after my best interest and whatever will bring glory to His name, but that doesn’t change my FEELINGS right now.

God doesn’t owe me anything. I owe Him. I know this. BUT He also said, “Ask and it shall be given to you.” He also put certain desires in us. Right now I feel like I’ve asked and asked and asked for the one thing that He gave me the desire for: Marriage. Yet over and over and over I am denied it.

I just wish for one day I could know exactly what His plan is for me so that I can accept it and move on with my life. If I’m to be single forever, let me know now so that I can move on and focus my attention and desire somewhere else.

Okay okay, I know I just answered my own question. My desire and focus should be on Him. Yes, but why then does He give me this immense desire for family?

I’m just confused and tired of worrying about it. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of being alone. I’M TIRED OF BEING ALONE!

The holidays are here. New Years is next. Then my oh-so-favorite holiday (yes, that’s sarcasm), Valentine’s day. All times where people hate to be alone the most, including me.

I repeat: I’M TIRED OF BEING ALONE!

Anyway, I feel so down about all this crap and kind of unremorseful for being upset with God. So I did a Yahoo Search of “angry towards God.” What I got was an interesting piece on how anger with God actually shows that we have a relationship with Him:

“…anger implies a perceived relationship, regardless of real or imaginary. Therefore, it is crucial to recognize that when a person becomes angry with another it confirms that there is a perceived relationship. Generally, we are angered most by the actions of those who are close to us. We are not as angered when someone along the freeway or the street makes an obscene gesture at us. But if our loved one does not use what we consider the ‘proper’ tone of voice when asking for a cup of coffee, then we are hurt for hours or perhaps even days. Thus, the closer we perceive a person to be to us, the more we sense anger when that person does something which we consider
inappropriate.”

[…]

“No matter how directly or indirectly we blame God for our troubles, suddenly we are awakened with an unpleasant reality: The attributes, responsibilities and expectations that we set upon God are not fulfilled! As a result, we become angry with God!!! This moment can be a moment of greater understanding and intimacy with God, or it can be a moment of further distancing between God and us. The choice is often ours. However, regardless of the outcome, it confirms that we have a relationship with God, even though we may not have articulated and expressed it clearly in the past. This is an exciting moment for the person seeking a deeper and more fulfilling understanding of life through spirituality, that is, our relationship
with God.”

I do believe God is there and has control over my life. I guess I just need to let go and get over myself, but it’s hard. It’s hard not to feel like, “when am I gonna get mine?” I suppose if I was really going to get mine, I would be getting a fast trip to hell, because that’s what I really deserve. *sigh*

I’m sorry, Lord. Help me out here. I don’t want to be angry with You, but please bear with me while I am… It will go away soon enough…

WHY?!?!

Why does everything have to always become so uncertain in my life? It's like I'm not even allowed to get excited about anything or make any kinds of plans. I know the Bible says that we shouldn't say, "tomorrow I'll be doing such and such," because we don't know if we'll have tomorrow. I get the concept, but it's like I'm not even allowed to look forward to anything.

The minute I get excited about something or someone, the rug gets pulled right out from under me. It's beyond frustrating! Everytime something potentially special comes along, I can't even dare excited an ounce because then this crap happens.

This weekend I was supposed to see Francisco. The whole week leading up to yesterday I was happy and feeling good. Finally! Finally, I was going to have my chance to get to know a great guy that for all intents and purposes would be great for me: godly, kind, responsible, handsome, etc.

Then I woke up yesterday morning with a bad feeling. Out of no where I got the sense that I may not see him afterall. I said, "Lord, if I don't end up seeing him tonight, is that Your way of telling me this is not going to happen?" I immediately thought, "no, don't think like that."

Well, as usual my 6th sense was right. Later on in the afternoon I got a phone call from my dad and before he could even say it, I knew what was coming: "Francisco's not going to make it."

Wow. WOW!!!! WOOOOOOOWWWW!!!!!!!

What did I do so wrong in my life? What? Whaaaaattttt??????

In one way, I appreciate the way the Lord lets me know these things right away, but in another I feel like what the heck!!!! Why is not one single one of these guys a YES? Why??? Why, Lord?

When is it going to be a YES?

Well, now all of a sudden, I'm back to square one and feeling like I have no idea where my future is going. I can't take this anymore...

Even worse, is right before this post I wrote about God's promises. I know what I wrote is the truth, but this very second, it doesn't feel like it. Sorry, God, but you know me better than anyone so you already know that this is how I feel....

Abraham and God’s Promises

I just finished reading Hebrews 11:8-19 and Romans 4:18-21, which detail Abraham's faith in obeying God and offering his own son's life as a sacrifice. I've always known why God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac (he was testing Abraham's faith in Him), but for the first time I understand why it is that Abraham obeyed.

Before Isaac was even conceived, the Lord made a promise to Abraham. He told Abraham to look into the sky and count the stars, if that was even possible (Genesis 15:5). Then He told Abraham that he would have a son and his descendants would be as numerous as the stars. This was God’s promise to Abraham: You ARE going to have at least one child and from that child you ARE going to have more descendants than you can even count.

So when Abraham marched his son up that hill he in a way knew that his son wasn’t going to die. He had so much faith in God’s promise about his future that he literally believed that if God did end up allowing him to kill his son, God—being the almighty and powerful creator of the earth—would turn around and bring that boy back to life. He truly BELIEVED in the promise of God that his son would bring him many descendents. He trusted in God’s promise and he was RIGHT! God stopped Abraham before he could do it and considered him righteous for his faith. (We are, after all, saved by FAITH and not works, right?)

WOW! What an example.

I get it now. God does not go back on his promises and the more that we have faith and trust in Him and His promises the more we are blessed. Look at Abraham. He is now known as the father of a nation, all because he trusted in God’s word to him.

Why then should I—little old Kristina—not trust in the promises God has made to me. There is no reason. I have no excuse. I see that now. I see that God’s promises are real and true. I believe and trust in His promises.


Thank you, Lord, for showing this to me, and forgive me for only JUST getting it. You are amazing. Your love is amazing. Your power is amazing. Your promises are amazing. Hallelujah! Amen!

"And she will be loved..."

When it comes to my love life, it’s always either feast or famine. I go through these cycles where absolutely nobody is interested in me and then all of a sudden I got options. Well, at the risk of sounding conceited, I have to say that, right now, I have options… a few options.

I really don’t know what the difference is between me now and me a few months ago (other than about 11 lbs. lol), but all of a sudden I’m desirable to some people. Maybe it’s the holidays. Maybe they put people in the mood to be around someone special. I don’t know. All I know is that I literally have about 3 guys who are interested in me right now (Francisco and Internet guy being two of them).

I have no idea what to do with 1 guy, let alone 3! Yikes.

Obviously, Francisco is the guy I am hoping for. He is the most ideal as far as his beliefs and who he is as a person (at least, according to my dad). However, I keep thinking, “If Francisco doesn’t turn out to be as special as I think he is, should I keep these other guys on standby?” But then I think, “No. That sucks. I wouldn’t want to be somebody’s standby. I have no right to waste these guys’ time.” So yeah. What to do… what to do…

So, I guess it’s just friends… with all three guys. I think it’s important for whoever it is that I end up with that we be good friends first. I think developing a friendship above romance and all that is the most important.

I kind of want to hang out with each one, as a friend, and see how it goes with each one, but I’m not sure if that’s messed up or what? I’m telling you, I’ve never been in this kind of situation before. You think you want someONE special and then all of a sudden you got a line up. Double-yikes!

Either way, for the first time in a long time, I feel—dare I say it—desirable, and I DO appreciate it. As a former fat/not-so-hot girl, it’s always nice to get an ego boost here and there. =)

Moving back to move forward...

My sister Katie and her best friend Tirsa currently live with my Mom, but once my Mom moves in with my Dad and me in the very near future, they will be left at that house… on their own. Thankfully, the house is paid off, so all they have to worry about are rent and bills. They were thinking of getting a roommate, but Katie had one idea first: She asked me to move back home to 1) help pay rent/bills and 2) to leave my parents alone. Lol

I think I might do it.

I still have to think about it, but I do think it may be a good idea. For one, I do want to help my sister out and it would be nice to finally not live under the same roof as one or both of my parents… since I AM 28 years old! Two, my parents do need their alone time. They need to be given the opportunity to re-build their relationship—unhindered and with no distractions.

It’s just hard.

#1: I LOVE MY CHURCH. I love Pastor David and his wife Marie. I love the people. I love the sense of community. I love the Women’s Ministry. I love the Children’s Ministry. I was baptized there! My church and I have the same exact birthday… that’s gotta mean something! Lol. I don’t want to leave it. Truly.

#2: I love Pomona/the I.E. I’m surrounded by everything I need in all directions. The people seem way less superficial. I’m 20 minutes away from Disneyland. My hairdresser is out here and she is the only person I trust to cut my hair and at that price. My commute is only 30 minutes, whereas it will be 45-60 minutes from my Mom’s. Did I mention I love my church?!

It’s a hard decision for me to make. But then again…

- I miss being close to my sisters, nieces, goddaughter, and friends.
- If things work out with Francisco, it would be nice to be close to him since he practically lives in the same neighborhood as my Mom anyway.
- I DO need to grow up and be out on my own, paying rent and all.
- It’s not like I don’t have a church to go to out there—the one I used to go to: Shepherd of the Hills. I can always get involved with their Children’s Ministry too.
- I kind of like the idea of getting rid of my Mom’s old stuff and totally re-decorating. =)

So there are pros and cons to both sides, but I’m sure at the end of it all I will go ahead and move back—especially if things work out with Francisco. =) I can’t not help my sister out and I do need to grow up. Plus, so many people will be so happy to have me back.

One thing I know for sure right now: I can’t go until a lot more of my debt has been paid off, so I’m looking at around March or April 2010. By then I will only have about 5 or 6 of my 8 debts paid off. That will make it much easier for me to be able to pay rent and bills.

*sigh*

Lord I know you are in control regardless.

“Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails” -Proverbs 19:21

Ups and downs...

This weekend was interesting. I was very busy--I literally saw three movies over the three days this weekend:

Friday: Saw The Princess and the Frog at Walt Disney Studios. Experience was cool, but the movie itself wasn't up to par for Disney in my opinion. It wasn't horrible, but wasn't their best either.

Saturday: Saw New Moon. I have never read the books and I'm not a teeny bopper who is obsessed with either of the young male actors from the movies, but after seeing this movie (and I never in a million years would have ever thought I was going to say this) I have to say I am on Team Jacob. The girl does him dirty... you can't help but root for the guy. (You have to see the movie to know what I'm talking about.)

Sunday: Saw Precious. Talk about a depressing movie. The acting was excellant, but I can't help wanting a HAPPY ending. The girl is triumphant at the end, but you still walk away feeling like it wasn't a very uplifting story. The even worse part is that you know this type of abuse and horrible circumstances is not unheard of in this world (my own adopted sister went through some of this stuff). So sad.

Aside from all the movie watching, I got to hang out with my friend Mike and I got to see both of my nieces. That was cool, but the weekend wasn't totally great.

I ended up having a conversation with my dad, which involved me telling him that sometimes I feel like he doesn't care all that much about my life and what happens to me, and specifically about helping me to marry well. I felt like he wasn't doing enough to make this thing with Francisco happen. Of course, as he does when he feels upset or guilty, he got mad at ME and acted like I want him to do everything for me. I don't want him to do everything for me at all. I just wanted him to do what was in his power to get this thing started so that God and I could handle the rest.

I don't know. I guess we are just on two different pages on what is biblically correct when it comes to parental involvement and how much there should be.

Anyway..... Yesterday, my dad sends me a text message:

"Francisco wants to see you next Saturday. Today is his father's birthday."

Well, I guess he did feel guilty because he had turned around and went through his friend Anthony to get ahold of Francisco. Anthony was going to have some people over to eat Paella at his house, so my dad asked him to invite Francisco. He couldn't make it because of his father's birthday, but they set up a movie night at Anthony's house the following weekend so that we could see each other. (I'm assuming they told him that I wanted to see him... I'll find out more later.)

So, now it's set up and I'm excited, but of course I feel bad that I practically had to twist my dad's arm to get him to do something. I plan on apologizing to my dad soon. I know he cares about me, but I don't want him to think that I think he doesn't care about me at all, whatsoever. I want him to know that I felt bad about our conversation before he ever sent me that text message.

Well, I guess it's time to start getting more happy about this situation. God has once again shown me that He is looking out for me. So, why do I feel all guilty now like I pushed everyone into something? *sigh*

Stop it, self! I'm sure things will start to look up very soon...

Christmas Cake Wrecks....

First of all, I have to say that I love love LOVE the website Cake Wrecks. It has to be one of the funniest things I've ever come across (it's subtitle literally states, "When professional cakes go horribly, hilariously wrong"). It never fails to make me laugh out loud. Some of these cakes are just mind-bogglingly hysterical and then you add on the clever captions by the blog's authors and you can't help but practically pee your pants every time you visit this page.

Anyway, this particular post had me busting up and I had to share in the spirit of Christmas tomfoolery: "Be good... or Else"

"Don't stop believin'..."

Man, I'm trying to keep the dream alive for my love life, but it's hard. I really do need to learn patience. At least I have hope. But even that seems like it comes and goes. I found this quote this morning:

"When our hopes break, let our patience hold." -Thomas Fuller

So true and so applicable right now.

This morning I asked my dad how his friend and ex-girlfriend (I only recently found that out btw) Carmen is doing? He said that she hasn't come back to work and will most likely be out until the new year. Great. So how am I supposed to get into contact with Francisco? *sigh*

I've been praying for Carmen because I know how much it hurts to think you have someone and then suddenly lose them. My dad broke up with Carmen to try to work things out with my mom. Ouch.

After finding out that my dad had been dating Carmen, I jokingly told him to ask her to get in touch with Francisco before he told her that he and my mom were going to move back in with each other so that she wouldn't change her mind about trying to help me get to know him better. That was a JOKE, but he told her I said it and now I feel bad. I didn't want to hurt her feelings and I definitely didn't want to put the idea into her head. She doesn't strike me as the vengeful type, but women are women.... especially when they don't know the Lord. *sigh*

Maybe the Lord is trying to tell me that this is not going to happen. *sigh* The thought makes me want to cry. To quote another wise man, Al Green (lol), "I'm so tired of being alone..."


Lord, pleeeeeeease. Please help me to put my full trust, faith, and HOPE in You. I KNOW You have my best interests at heart and I KNOW that You have made a promise to me. Help me to BELIEVE it and to feel it in my core. I'm tired of worrying about it. I want to enjoy life and live in peace. Thank You for loving me, even when I'm crazy and impatient. Amen!

Because you deserve it...

So I've been trying to think of something special to do for my step-niece, Maddie, as her Christmas gift. God put it on my heart to pay her some special attention this year. And she really needs it, I think.

Maddie has Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD). She can be hard to handle sometimes. It takes a lot of patience. On top of that, she is a pre-teen girl, stuck in between two families, and I would bet money that she doesn't feel like she completely belongs in either one. Her dad (my brother-in-law) and her mom divorced when she was still a baby. They both almost instantly remarried and both have a child with their new spouses. Maddie has a brother via her mother and a new baby sister via her father.

Needless to say, Maddie is not the center of attention in either of her families. In fact, just by the frequent loss of patience by her parents, I wouldn't blame Maddie for feeling like they don't even want her around sometimes, even if it's NOT the truth. (It literally brings me to tears thinking about it.)

This child is so happy and friendly. She's one of the most encouraging and kind little girls I have ever met. I don't know why she has this disorder--God only knows--but I wish people would stop and remember that 1) she isn't choosing to be this way and 2) she is a good girl despite her disorder.

All this to say, this is why my other sister and I want to do something special for this kid. We want her to shine and to feel important for the first time in a long time. We want her to feel wanted and accepted. We want her to feel like she belongs.

So, I think we are going to take her to see the Broadway musical, Mary Poppins. I'm excited. I've been wanting to see it. I'm more excited for Maddie though. She's going to get to dress up and be important.... because she deserves it!

The older I get...

... the less drama I want in and around my life! I think that comes also from growing closer to the Lord. No drama!

Some of my friends are wrapped up in some mad drama right now and it's starting to get on my nerves. Of course, much of it is being facilitated by Facebook. It's one of those reasons why people say they hate social networking sites. I get that, I really do, but I don't blame Facebook. I blame us for putting our business (ahem... drama) all over the Internet and then acting shocked when some crazy crap kicks off (I am big time guilty of this myself, embarrasingly).

All I know is that I don't want any part of it anymore. I especially don't want to be dragged into other people's issues. I have enough drama of my own to worry about.

Right now I'm making a promise not to passive-aggresively use Facebook to send indirect angry messages to people, not to air my dirty laundry, not to jump in and comment on something that has nothing to do with me, and to only say things that are positive and funny.... well, unless it's political. That's different. Politics is fair game in my book. =)

This week at my church, and churches across California, is the week of prayer and fasting. I considered fasting off of Facebook and I think I should have done it. Actually, I think I should only use Facebook to catch up and not to daily know all the chisme (English translation: gossip, juice, drama, etc.). This is getting to be too much. Even though the drama doesn't directly involve me, it and Facebook are truly taking away from productive time I could be giving to the Lord.


Forgive me, Lord. Help me to be more like You and to use Your time wisely. For that matter, forgive me for any pain and hurt I've ever caused in the past due to not minding my business or keeping my mouth shut. Help me to stay positive and to worry about Your business only. Amen!

All I want for Christmas is you....

First off, I have to say WOW. I can't believe it's the last day of November! This year has FLOWN by. It's crazy. Christmas will be here in 25 short days. Yikes!

Speaking of Christmas... What do I want for Christmas this year? I want one thing: Francisco. =)

I'm hoping and praying and wishing and hoping and believing and praying that God makes this happen. I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying to remember the Lord's promise almost 9 months ago that I would be married in 2 years. I'm also trying to remember that He's in control and that it's up to Him, not me.

Please please please, Lord. I hope this is Your will. I hope this is it. Please keep doing what you are doing and please don't let me hope for nothing...

Our own "Blind Side"

This article by Star Parker talks about the movie The Blind Side and how it's story should be a model for how we deal with underprivileged youth in our society. I totally agree with her conclusion that Christian values and education are the solution to this problem.

My family has our very own version of The Blind Side's story in Sandy, my adopted sister.

Sandy came to us 7 or 8 years ago, when she was 18 years old. She was past the age of schooling, but she still needed help. She had no where to go. Her abusive mother had put her out on the street after some very traumatizing incidents. She was lost and literally suicidal, with no hope of any kind. That's when the Lord put her in our lives.

It was through our CHRISTIAN notions of charity, kindness, and above all LOVE (sometimes the tough kind) that this disadvantaged girl finally found a family and a safe place to call home. She is now a successful mother, soon-to-be wife, and member of society, instead of laying cold in a gutter somewhere or 6 feet underground. If only more of us would step outside of our nice little comfort zones and reach out to these poor, disenfranchised kids. We are supposed to be the light of the world.

Hopefully this movie will inspire more Christians to be Christ in someone's life and to bring Christ into someone's life.

Antisocial?

On Thanksgiving my dad told me that I'm not so much shy as antisocial.

It's not true and I know my dad didn't mean to, but that really hurt my feelings. I truly am just painfully shy (especially with my peers), but when you are shy in this world you can't catch a break from those who are outgoing because they just don't understand the concept. They don't know what it's like. They weren't born that way. They are the kind of people who don't let insecurities about what other people think get to them. They are the type of people that everyone likes. They are the type of people that can be thrown into any situation and become friends with people in a matter of minutes.

I have never been that way, but believe me, if I could snap out of it I would. If I could just be myself I would. I don't choose to be this way, trust me. I've always been this way and matters were made worse in grade school. The other kids I went to school with completely ignored me. If I told a joke, no one laughed. If I gave my opinion, no one heard it. I was worth zero to these kids. So I learned to keep my mouth shut and keep to myself. Nothing I had to say was worth saying.

Yes, I've grown up and I now know that I am worth something, but it's still hard to feel like the minute I open up my mouth in a group of people I don't know I'm going to get that "who asked for your opinion" look. Or even the "who do you think you are" look. It sucks. It's terrifying. It's DEBILITATING!

So the next time you are in a group of people and one of them isn't saying much, or making a lot of eye contact, or is checking his/her cell phone every couple of seconds, don't assume that they are stuck-up, don't like you, or are rude. They may very well be extremely shy, afraid no one will like them, and waiting for you to start the conversation.

And please, whatever you do, don't call shy people ANTISOCIAL. It's an insult because I know that I am not "averse to the society of others." In fact, I long for the society of others, I just don't know how to attain it, which means I have a very lonely and isolated life sometimes....

'I told you so' never felt so good...

Global warming is such a farce and the so-called scientists who have been trying to shove it down our throats have finally been exposed:

The Day Global Warming Stood Still

Happy Thanksgiving

I'm sure I probably won't be blogging tomorrow, as I will be driving to San Diego, stuffing my face, and then driving back. So I wanted to wish anyone and everyone who reads this thing a very Happy and BLESSED Thanksgiving!

Some things I am thankful for:

• Jesus Christ, who stepped down from on high to die so that I could have eternal life.
• Freedom--in my country and in Christ
• Forgiveness
• My Family
• God's promises
• My health
• A job and the ability to pay off debt
• The current process of restoration of my parents' marriage after 10 years of being separated! Hallelujah!
• Prayer
• You, whoever you are. Thanks for letting me get stuff off my chest. =)

Enjoy!

Give thanks to the Lord for He is GOOD...

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5 & 6

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

God is good. He is way too good to me. With just a little that I give Him he does SO MUCH. It's truly amazing! Truly.

I don't think I have actually written much about my dad's former co-worker, Francisco, with whom he has wanted to set me up for the last few years. This guy is Christian, handsome, tall, friendly, approved by my Dad... the kind of guy I definitely ask the Lord for. Well, I saw him a few weeks ago after not having seen him in about a year and pretty much giving up on him being for me. That meeting re-sparked an interest for him and before I left that evening he had given me a very "friendly" hug and I had given him a very STRONG hint that I would like to see him again. When I was out the door I immediately got on my dad's case about making this happen. That was about 3 weeks ago or so...

This morning I woke up, got my coffee, and sat down in front of the computer to check my Facebook (what? I have to know what's going on.... I can't help it LOL). My dad came out of his room, got his coffee, sat on the couch and then said something akin to the following:

"I talked to Carmen last night (his friend from work who Francisco had confessed to about liking me awhile back). She told me that Francisco called her and told her what you said to him at the BBQ (The Lord had emboldened me to tell him that I hoped to see him again soon and that my dad always talks about him, but I never get to see him). He told her 'How am I gonna see this girl again? You need to throw a party or something so we can see each other again.'"

Haha! YES!!!!! Oh man, finally! I've been trying to be patient this entire time for Carmen to come back from her vacation so that I could give her my number to give to him, but, just as the Lord planned, he had already gotten the ball rolling himself. So awesome!! I am so excited. Too bad my dad's phone died last night before he could give her my number to pass along to him, but I'm not worried. He can give it to her Today. =)

I know that the Lord is in control of this situation. I also know that He has been preparing me for marriage and that this may be the guy. Now I'm just going to stand back and let Him do His thing. If this is the guy, the Lord will make it happen.

Thank you, Lord!!! Thank you! You are way too good to me...

We HAVE been betrayed!

This article by Laura Hollis pretty much exactly expresses how I feel about what our President and government are doing to this country. It's disgusting! It's terrifying. It's WRONG!

These fools don't give a flying crap about how We, the People, feel. Not one bit:

Do any of these charlatans and thieves understand that all of this money they are spending is ours????

It has become abundantly clear that our elected representatives no longer believe that their job is to represent us. Poll after poll shows that a majority of Americans do not want government-run health care, do not think the government will provide better care, do not trust the government to run health care effectively or efficiently, and do not think either the House’s or the Senate’s bill will save money. These beliefs are well-founded, as there is plenty historical evidence of the government’s inadequate cost projections and inability to prevent fraud. But as it has done with every other fiscally failed policy it has created, Congress never admits its errors; it simply sticks its grubby hands into our pockets and takes more.

....

We are being betrayed. We are being stolen from. We are being destroyed from within...

She is so right! We need to get off our butts and make sure that things change in 2010. It's time to get these morons out of there:

The existing Congress consists of sanctimonious frauds and petty despots. They must be defeated in 2010, and that means no more voting for “moderates” who are willing to sell the country down the river for 30 pieces of silver. Or $300 million; apparently, like all government spending, the going rate for betrayal has outpaced inflation over the past 2000 years.

God help us!

Oh, and while I'm at it, here is an article Mike Gallagher was discussing this morning on his radio show. It basically details how teachers in Minnesota will now be required to denounce any belief in the concept of the Amercian Dream in order to teach in that state. Yes, the American Dream--as in the idea that ANYONE can make it in this country DESPITE their race, color, sex, sexual orientation, etc. as long as they work hard. What in the name of all that is holy is wrong with that idea? Read the article to find out... *rolling my eyes*

Welcome, Baby Scotty!

Congrats to my good friends, Brian and Crystal. Their first child, Brian Scott Adams, was born this morning at 4:27 a.m. He was 7 lbs 1 oz and 20 inches long.

Yay!

I pray the Lord's blessing on this child and for their family. So exciting!!!!

A First-time Meeting, First Birthday, First Look after 10 Years, and First Religious Rite

Wow! What a weekend I had. Here’s the breakdown:

Friday
I finally met Internet guy in person. We met up at Starbucks in Chino Hills. I think it went very well. I was comfortable and was totally myself. He was cool. He demonstrated a very good balance of talking and listening. I think it went pretty smoothly. I get the impression he left still interested in me, but I have to admit that I didn’t feel a spark, but that was because I intended for that. I think there is a good chance that in the past, before my he-must-be-a-practicing-and-fruit-bearing-Christian rule, there would have been a spark. But alas, I won't allow it because I will do everything possible to avoid being unequally yoked. I see what some of these women who have unbelieving husbands go through and it’s NOT WORTH IT!

Saturday
We had Alexis’ 1st Birthday party and, other than some drama from my sister about not having enough help (now you know how I always feel planning everyone’s events), it turned out very nicely. More people than we expected showed up. Funny thing was, we still had SO much food left over. Alexis had fun, the few kids had fun playing in the playground and running around, and the adults seemed to enjoy the food and chatting. So I definitely can say it was a success.

That evening, after much begging and convincing from my old class president, I went to my 10-year high school reunion. I feel like it was pretty much a bust. I only saw like 3 people that I knew fairly well--1 person who I think hates me and is under the mistaken impression that I slept with her now-husband (hello! I'm still a virgin... pretty much impossible). The rest were people I absolutely didn’t know or recognize or who were just people that I sort of knew, but who I knew wouldn’t remember me (I look WAY different now—I’ve improved by leaps and bounds in my appearance LOL). My friend, Mike, and my sister, Katie, came with, so at least I wasn’t by myself, but I do feel like I could have done something a little more worthwhile with my money.

If I could make any suggestions to my friend who coordinated the thing: Don’t have the next one at a club. You really don’t know if that somewhat familiar-looking person in the corner over there is someone you went to High School with or just some club patron. Plus, some of us don’t find going to a club conducive with our lifestyles anymore.

Sunday
Kaylin was baptized Catholic. Our friend, Miguel, and I were two of the 4 godparents. Despite the fact that we are not, nor really is Sandy, a Catholic, it was a beautiful event and I was glad to be a part of it. The only time I really felt awkward was when they were asking the saints to pray for us. I think the saints are a little busy worshipping God and being in His presence, and not at all worried about us down here. But whatever; I guess if it makes you feel better. Lol

Afterward, we went to Juan’s parents’ place and pigged out on some yummy food that his mom had made, including everyone’s favorite: her chicken salad. Mm mm mm! We had a Costco cake too and you know you can’t go wrong with a Costo cake. It was just a nice time together too—the two families hanging out. I really enjoyed myself.


What a blessed and fun weekend I had. Overall, I can’t complain one bit. I haven’t felt this much of God’s love and family love in a long time. Hope it continues just like this…

Money Blues

Why does money have so much power in our lives? Whether you have it or don't have it, it causes stress. Right now I DON'T have it and it sure is causing a mountain of stress for me.

I'm on a mission to get out of debt and because of that the majority of each of my paychecks is going towards debt. It sucks! I'm always broke. I can't even afford to buy myself new work clothes. So, after losing about 11 lbs in the last 2 months, I'm walking around at work in some very baggy clothes. It's kind of embarrassing. Instead of looking professional, I look like a slob. No bueno when you are in a high-level place like Administration. Oh well... I have to do what I have to do right now, even if it means looking like a bum. =(

Being broke is really a lesson in sacrifice too. For the first time in my life I am denying myself simple little things--things in the past that I would have just splurged on: A top here or there, eating out, etc. Now it's "make due with what you have" and "buying groceries that will last you 2 weeks is MUCH cheaper than eating out out for 1 week." It's hard, but I'm proud of myself for finally having some self-control.... well most of the time at least. I did recently buy myself a sweater and I was craving a Sampler Trio from Jack in the Box last night. =)

One upside: I feel so much healthier now that I'm eating home-cooked meals everyday... and I hardly ever break out! lol

Anyway, I've said it before and I'll say it again.... DEBT is so not worth it!!!!

What’s said on the road to Phoenix, stays on the road to Phoenix…

Okay, so I said that I would write about my interesting trip to Phoenix last weekend. Well, actually I don’t want to infer that it was a negative experience by saying that it was “interesting.” I actually had quite a good time, I have to say, but it sure started out a little awkward.

The girl I went with is a friend that I know through another close friend (whom we will call “Ms. M”). Lately these two friends have not been speaking to each other for what I thought were very minor and trivial (in my opinion) reasons. So, I was actually contemplating bringing it up and suggesting that it be squashed. Before I could say anything—before I could get on the freeway to head out of town, actually—my traveling friend (we’ll call her “Ms. J”) brought it up.

Ms. J’s story behind why they are not speaking was quite different from what I thought was the reason behind their spat. I won’t get into the details, but I will say that they included the person we were visiting in Arizona (who’s in jail by the way) and me… and in a very awkward (mostly for me) way. She clarified that the person she was mad at was Ms. M and not me by any means, but still. I was scared this was going to set the tone for the whole trip.

Thankfully, it did not. Phew! Because all I could think was, “Great, I’ve been sucked into the middle of some drama and now I have to spend the weekend with someone who is going to be brooding and who may secretly harbor some sort of resentment towards me.” Thankfully, again, it did not go down like that. We talked about it and then it was over and out of our minds (well, I know it was out of mine at least).

We ended up having a great time. We went out to eat, chilled out in out hotel room, watched The Proposal (I admit, I laughed), and had a nice visit with the jailbird (lol). We totally bonded and came back even closer friends.

So… it actually was a pretty successful trip, all drama aside. Except now Ms. M is sending me message after message asking how the trip went and telling me to call her. Why do I think Ms. M is going to grill me on what Ms. J might have said about her during out trip to Phoenix?

Well, I’ve decided that I’m just going to keep my mouth shut and play the dummy, like I have no idea why they are not friends other than for the reasons given to me by Ms. M originally. I DO NOT want to be stuck in the middle of these two friends or be sucked into the drama. I’m too grown for all this…

If I could go back in time….

I would tell my little self to get off my butt; put down the bag of chips, cup of soda, and Nintendo controller; and go outside and play!!!

Every time I look at a picture of myself when I was small (like at 6 or 7 years old) I get so frustrated because you could see that if I would have had proper instruction on diet and exercise I would have been a thin to average size girl all growing up and I wouldn’t have the body and struggles I have now. It’s so sad. Back then I had normal size everything, including legs and arms.

Now, after much work, I am truly not a FAT girl, but I definitely still overweight and have very thick legs and, if not for liposuction, I would have had very large arms right now. Like I said, it’s frustrating. I could have avoided all these “issues” with my body if my parents would have made sure I ate right, didn’t overeat, and got adequate exercise—if they would have just kept me busy! I’m so not making that mistake with my kids…

I would tell my little self to stop being depressed and feeling sorry for myself AND to get over myself--it's not about what I want, but what God wants. Then I would give myself a much-needed hug and say, “Everything is going to turn out okay. Trust in the Lord! He made you and you are pretty (even if that wasn’t all that true back then… lol), smart, and important.”

I think I was born serious, but nevertheless, I think I still could have been a somewhat happy kid. I always felt ignored, not good enough, like I was just some kind of drama queen, like no one cared about me, and that I had something to worry and fear every minute of the day. All I needed was for someone to care and to tell me things were okay, that I was a valuable person, etc. That was all I needed. If I could go back I would tell myself that there is nothing to WORRY about or FEAR. Everything ends up turning out okay because God is in control and He cares…

Bringing you, my newfound reader(s), up to speed...

I haven't blogged in over a week. I was sick and out of the office all of last week. I was so weak that I couldn't stand for more than a few minutes without feeling like I wanted to faint, but I had no fever, cough, congestion, etc.... ??? We thought I might be anemic. Mom made me go to Urgent Care (practically against my will because I hate going to Kaiser and being treated like a hypochondriac). They took blood and urine test and everything came back negative (told you it was pointless to go to the doctor!). I was then diagnosed with a mild viral infection and put out for the remainder of the week to rest.

Now I'm back to work and I have to say, I just am not happy with my job (especially when I have to come back to a bunch of un-handled crap). I know I sound ungrateful, but I'm not going to pretend like it's the greatest thing that ever happened to me. On one hand, it is so awesome to be surrounded by two ladies who love the Lord. I can talk to them about God and my beliefs and I know they will understand what I'm talking about from a godly perspective. I know that this will open doors to advancement for me.

On the other hand, I feel so isolated and sometimes I want to second-guess myself and my abilities, OR I feel like I'm so not getting paid what I should be getting paid. I no longer get overtime hours. I miss my couple of friends and little bit of freedom I had in my old section. Of course, I don't miss the drama, but I do miss not feeling like I have to walk on eggshells all day. My boss was a jerk sometimes, but I knew her and knew how to deal with her. This new guy is just a jerk and I never know what I'm supposed to do to make sure I don't piss him off or do something wrong.

I asked for the Lord to get me out of my old situation or give me more work. He got me out, but to a place that I don't like any better and where I am going to have to be patient and wait for possibly years before something awesome comes along. I know that is ungrateful, but it doesn't change that I just don't like it. The bad economy, lack of jobs, and my debt are the only things keeping me here at this point. This sucks!

Lord, set me straight! I don't want to hate my job....

This week I am supposed to meet my new friend from the Internet (lol... that sounds funny). So far I am not nervous. I think both of us just want to meet the other already. There's only so much you can say over email and text message. Plus, I want to know exactly what this guy looks like in person, and I'm sure he feels the same way. It's just time.

There is something I'm unsure about: Is it messed up that I keep talking to this guy even though I very well know that if something materializes with my dad's co-worker, it will be siyonara? I know we are just friends and he knows that I won't date him if he's not walking with the Lord, but obviously the guy likes me and I feel like he's probably under the impression that he's the only guy I'm trying to talk to right now.

I don't know! I don't play games, but I also want to have options.... I guess I'm being dumb because the bottom line is that Internet guy is NOT an option anyway because he isn't walking with the Lord.

Ay! Why does everything have to be so difficult?

Okay. I don't want to think about this stuff anymore. Back to work. Next time, I'll be writing about my interesting trip to Phoenix/jail over the weekend... Stay tuned.

Support my cousin!

I am so proud of my cousin, Kristi. She is one of those young Christians who is always on fire for the Lord and always has been. I don't think it's ever fizzled out.

Well, she is trying to raise money to go on her own missions trip to Peru to work for Hogar de Esperanza, a Christian-run orphanage. Here's a quote from her blog:

I'm not going to Peru to change the world. I'm going to have my world changed. I'm going to love and be loved. I'm going to do what Christ calls me to do everyday, in every circumstance: be bold in broken places. I hope that my trip will inspire everyone who learns about this trip to do the same.

I totally commend her for this attitude. We all need to focus more on how we can be used by the Lord. I wish I had the financial freedom to go with her (my fault!). I can't, but I can help her.

Please consider "Chipping In" to help her go! She needs to raise $5,000. Any amount helps!

Constructive criticism...

I thought I'd share something that's kind of funny, but sad at the same time. It totally shows just how much more healing I need when it comes to my self-image. lol

I haven't mentioned it much, but since I've had my spacers I have lost like 2 pant sizes. It's not so much the spacers themselves that caused me to lose weight, but the fact that they have forced me to eat a lot more slowly and therefore I am developing the long OVERDUE habit of taking my time and stopping before I've gorged myself. Before I could totally scarf down two plates of any meal, but now I can only manage one. So, as you can imagine, my body is adjusting to a lot less food.

Anyway, I was texting my new "friend" and we got to talking about how much weight we are both losing. I joked that I feel like Cantinflas having to use a belt to hold up my ginormous pants at work (Cantinflas was a famous Mexican comedian--on of my dad's and my favorites--you can read about him here). That's when he sent me a text saying something like, "Instead of coffee, how about a run in the morning?" To which I replied, "I really should, but I don't live in the best neighborhood. But I do Pilates at home and I have an eliptical that I DO use. It doesn't just sit there. lol"

This is the funny part. He then replies back something like, "That's not what I meant. I meant we should go running instead of coffee when we meet. lol" Hahaha... We had earlier discussed meeting for coffee for the first time we are to meet, but I didn't even think of that. I thought he was referring to me cutting out the one cup of coffee I have every morning, and running instead. Oops!

My response: "Hahaha! I told you I take constructive criticism pretty well!"

Well, what I haven't mentioned is that the day before I had emailed him a not-so-hot picture of me in my Halloween costume. In my opinion, I don't look like I've lost any weight in that picture at all. I did not want to send it at first, but decided to anyway because if this guy is gonna like me, he's gonna like me even when I'm not looking my best--not that it matters since we are only friends anyway! (You know it matters though, right? lol) So, I sent it, but I was scared that he was gonna be grossed out by it. So when he mentioned running, I thought he was trying to tell me something after seeing me in that picture. Just kidding!

Man, I am a nerd. That just shows you what I think people think of me. I know I need to work on this and really just start to be okay with this body and face that the Lord gave me. I know they aren't that horrible, but it's hard to find any beauty in myself sometimes. It's just so much easier for me to dwell on the faults and we love to take the easier road, don't we?

Ay ay ay!

Thoughts of the moment...

It’s a good thing Grandpa is dead. Why? I think if he were alive he would be both fearful and mad—fearful because as an older person he could look forward to being considered expendable under Obama’s healthcare “reform” plan should it pass, and mad, as a former Marine, because there are soldiers sitting in Afghanistan right now with no plan of action or direction on what to do, many dying, because our President wants to “take things slowly and really think things through” before sending in more troops. Grandpa, you should be glad you aren’t here for this…

I saw an article the other day about a guy who was getting convicted for the murder of a woman AND her unborn child. That’s a good thing, but why is it that the death of her child is considered murder, but the death of aborted children isn’t? What’s the difference? A fetus is only a human being when it’s WANTED I guess…

Why do so many people who have grown up in America and whose first language is English suck so hard at writing? Even if English was not your favorite subject in High School, you still should know how to speak it, which should translate in your writing. But no, as evidenced by the hours I spend on proofreading at work. Our education system is what sucks so hard…

I’ve discovered that listening to secular music makes me depressed. When I listen to praise and worship or even gospel music, I’m happy, encouraged, feeling good about life, and looking forward to the Lord’s promises. When I listen to secular music I become upset, sad, lonely, love sick—I feel like an all-around loser for not having a significant other, etc., etc. I think I’ll stick to my praise and worship…

I’m shocked that anyone reads my blog. I really didn’t think anyone did at all. I mostly write so that I have a record of what has happened in my life, but now all of a sudden I’m feeling very aware of what I’m writing and how I write it… not that it’s gonna stop me from sharing my opinions. LOL

A regretable Halloween...

So, I've been meaning to write about how my Halloween went, but frankly it's not something I'm even happy to write about. That fact that I'm saying, "my Halloween," bothers me in and of itself.

In the weeks leading up to Halloween I didn't really think twice about whether I was going to participate--as in Trick-or-Treat and go to a party or two. At first the idea didn't bother me at all, but the closer it got to Halloween the more I felt like the Holy Spirit was trying to tell me to stay away.

Last Thursday, my co-worker, who is a Christian, asked me what I was doing for the weekend and I told her that I had multiple invitations to different parties, but that I had decided to go to one with my sister, since she too is a Christian and would not be doing anything crazy (I was wrong about that by the way... read on). The Holy Spirit must have been doing His thing because I immediately said, "Not that I should really be going to any parties anyway." To which she replied, "You'll learn." Meaning, I'm assuming, that I still have a little ways to go before I'm free from the grips fo the world and its influence.

Boy, was that convicting! After that all I had was an useasy feeling about whether I should do anything at all for Halloween. I kept debating with myself over whether I should even go near anything Halloween-related at all, but I also knew that I had promised to go trick-or-treating with my goddaughter and I almost NEVER break my promises to her. So to me, there was no way out of that part.

Eventually, I decided to just go ahead and do trick-or-treating and go to the party with my sister. I figured as long as I didn't dress up in anything evil or dark, I should be okay. Yeah, well, I forgot that you can control what you do, but you can't control what others do. So I was heading for disaster.

Here are the not-so-great highlights:

• While trick-or-treating, I was disgusted left and right by how many 10- to 12-year-old girls were dressed like whores and who's parents didn't seem to have a problem with it.
• My friend decided (in the spirit of Halloween, I guess) to start talking about suicide and the different ways to achieve it right in front of her dauther, my goddaughter, on our way back from trick-or-treating. I then asked why we were even talking about it. My goddaughter agreed that she didn't want to talk about it because it would give her nightmares. Man, I don't care what day it is, that crap is not appropriate. It made me very uncomfortable and I almost told her that when I have kids I'm not leaving them alone with her. lol
• My sister went to the party as a witch AND made it clear that she was going to be drinking.
• Speaking of drinking, this party was a hot, drunken mess and pretty much all the girls (with the exception of my sisters, Tirsa, and me) were some form of slutty.
• There were people there who obviously live "alternative" lifestyles and were not afraid to show it. Everyone thought it was hilarious. I didn't.
• This is the worst: The host was dressed as some Blue Man Group-looking character. That's not so bad, but then he pulls down his pants to uncover a giant blue... well, I guess I'll say "member." Who, of all people, decides he's going to go grab the "member" and proceed to take a picture with it? My very own brother-in-law. Nooooo!!!! All I could do was say, "We are supposed to be Christians! What are you doing?" The even sadder part was that my sister found it funny and was the one taking the picture. How is she supposed to now go back to work and be a witness for Christ? Ay ay ay... That really saddened me, I have to say (I literally want to cry right now).

Well, we left the party early and I was happy about it, but all I could feel the entire rest of the night and rest of the following day was extreme guilt and shame. Why did I take part in this so-called holiday? I knew it was a mistake, but I did it anyway, and I'm so disgusted with myself and with this world in general. In the past, I wouldn't have taken part in anything too crazy, but I wouldn't have sat there and felt wrong about it either. Well, now things have changed. The Lord has opened up my eyes to the nastiness and unholiness that is Halloween.

I'm never having anything to do with Halloween ever again! It wasn't worth it....

Living vicariously...

I admit it. I love reading blogs by and about mothers and motherhood. I would rather read about some random person's child getting his/her first teeth than about what Paris Hilton wore on a night out in Hollywood. I would rather read about the few steps on the way to walking that someone else's child took yesterday than about what's going on in the Middle East. I would rather read about a mother's difficult time getting sleep and losing weight than about how the economy might be starting to look up again.

I know. I have issues.... lol

I'm living vicariously through the lives of mother's I don't even know. I want to be a mom so bad it literally HURTS! It's a nasty, sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach, this longing to have a child... or two... or more. I just want it SO bad, but I have to wait. So, in the meantime, I have to read about the joys and trials of other mothers, all the while taking mental notes for the future, trying to be happy for them and not envious of them.

Lord, help me to be patient, long-suffering, enduring, etc. PLEASE. Otherwise, I think I may go crazy...

Financial Bondage

The phrase I most use lately is “I’m broke!” It’s my answer to every question. “Do you want to go out to lunch with me?” “Nope... I’m broke.” “Can you come down and hang out this weekend?” “Nope... I’m broke.” (Okay, I've been managing to go anyway, but you better believe I don't spend very much money when I'm away from home.) It’s sad but true.

Why is that the most frequently-used phrase in my lexicon right now? Well, I worked it out and found that 65% of my take-home pay goes towards bills and debt (feels like more than that) and the rest to gas, groceries, and other minor emergencies. That is a lot of money that is not going into my pocket, savings, or to the Kingdom of God. I’ve even been scrimping on my tithes lately. I am definitely NOT giving the full 10%. All of this is not okay and it’s my fault!

The Bible clearly warns us about debt:

Do not be a man who strikes hands in pledge or puts up security for debts; if you lack the means to pay, your very bed will be snatched from under you. Proverbs 22:26-27

The rich rule over the poor, and the borrower is servant to the lender. Proverbs 22:7

Let no
debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. Romans 13:8

And so many more….

God, through the Bible, gives us commandments that are for our own good! He loves us and wants the best for us, but also wants us to be free to serve Him. Part of serving Him is giving back that with which He has blessed us. How can you do that when you have to hand it off to someone else every month. That’s horrible. “Sorry, Lord. I can’t give You what is rightfully Yours, because I was selfish in the past and needed to have something RIGHT NOW.”

So, now not only am I not to able to give the Lord what He deserves (thereby being disobedient), I can now barely even get the things I need for myself. All because I was impatient and needed things in the moment instead of saving and waiting for them. The even sadder thing is that most of the things that were bought with other people’s money are things that I no longer have or can partake in. So in the long run, it was a big waste times two. A big waste in that I no longer have those things and can enjoy them AND in that I am now paying for them at a much higher price than what they were originally sold for… again, all because I couldn’t wait.

I could kick myself times two… lol

The light at the end of the tunnel though, is that within the next year and a half or so, I should be out of a large bulk of this debt. I’m working on a plan that's already giving me good results and I’m focused on making sure I see it through. I can’t wait for the day when most of my take home pay will go to my pocket, savings, and most importantly to the Lord and His kingdom!

Let this be a lesson to anyone who reads this! =)

If you find yourself in a lot of debt and don't know what to do, ChristianPF.com's Getting Out of Debt articles are a really good place to start.... aside from the Bible of course.

Defrauding each other....

I just read this in the Women Praying Boldly blog and it totally describes what happened between me and a friend of mine a few years ago, who I was in love with and spent all my time with and who let me think that our relationship was more than it was:

It's bad when guys spend time with you in a way that makes you think they're interested in more than a friendship. Bad because it misleads you and risks putting wear and tear on your heart. Bad because it's defrauding.

She then goes on to ask if girls do the same thing and if it's wrong. YES and YES! I've seen it and it is wrong for anyone to lead anyone else on. None of us has the right to waste anyone else's time like that and play with anyone's feelings. It's wrong to be selfish!!! When are we going to understand that in this "ME. ME. ME" era?

Anyway, I've read another article in the past by Candace, the author of this blog. It talked about being in the "buddy zone" where you are not quite sure if you are dating the person and how it's no good for you. The person is getting everything from you that you would get in a dating relationship (companionship, a shoulder to cry on, devotion, etc.), but without the commitment or intimacy. It leaves you confused and hurt. This totally happened to me. Not only did it hurt my feelings, but I wasted months (almost a year) of my life on this guy when I could have been out in the world being exposed to people who WERE interested in and deserving of me.

This is why I'm being so cautious about being anything beyond just friends with any guys in my life right now (see previous blog post). That situation happened to me soooo long ago, but I learned a big lesson from it. I am guarding my heart as closely as possible because I know that one day that man who is sure and true will come and I don't want to have all this emotional baggage to dump on him because I let other guys dupe me into thinking it was more than it was...

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23

Friendship, marriage, etc...

So a few blogs back I wrote about a guy that I've been emailing. I had mentioned that I wanted to be extremely cautious with this guy because of the fact that, although he is a Christian, he is not walking with the Lord right now. So far, I've kept up with it. We are still ONLY emailing.

He recently gave me his number so we could text each other, but I told him that I would like to stick to emailing him. Now, 2 weeks or so down the line, I started considering giving him my number so we could text each other and maybe even talk, but I decided I need to make one thing very clear beforehand. I told him that I am ONLY looking for a friend right now.

I explained to him that at this point in my life I am trying to honor the Lord and His will for my life. I don't want to jump into anything that is not pleasing and honoring to Him. I explained the situation with my last dating relationship (as brief as it was... lol) and how disappointing it was, and told him that I don't plan to go through that again. I completely believe that the next person I date/hang out with exlusively and even kiss is going to be my future husband, and as a result I want to be as thoroughly cautious as possible.

He agreed and understands from a Christian perspective. We are on the same page. It's all good. We are friends right now. I'm happy.

One thing he said to me though that really struck me was that he believed that the Lord used this stupid dating service to 1) introduce us to one another and 2) to show him how much the Lord loves him more than he ever could imagine (or something like that... lol). I thought that was sweet.

I definitely have to say that something is in the making here. I don't know if it's romantic or just that the Lord is drawing this guy back to Him, but whatever it is, I feel good about it. My instincts are usually right too....


Speaking of marriage....

There is a lady in my Women's Bible Study who was asking for prayer a while back because her marriage appears to be falling apart. She started to tell us that her stepson is a big part of the problem. She harbors a lot of ill-will towards this kid. Almost immediately the Lord put it on my heart to tell this lady to start praying for her stepson. She replied that she does pray that the Lord would remove these bad feelings towards him. I then clarified that she needed to pray FOR HIM. She needed to pray for his salvation. She needed to pray for him like he was one of her children. I explained to her that once she started to do that the Lord would change her heart towards him. I also told her that she needed to stop blaming him and look at the real culprit here, which is the Devil, who loves to come in to divide and conquer.

Man, the Holy Spirit was using me to give a message to her that night, I tell you. All of that came from Him. He didn't stop there though...

When study was over, Diana and I approached her and re-inforced what we had previously told her. I then went on (well, it was the Holy Spirit, not me) to explain to her that the Devil absolutely HATES marriage and will use anything in his power to destroy it. He hates it because it is a picture of Christ and his bride, the church. Christ sacrificed himself and died for us so that we migh have life. Marriage is all about dying to yourself for the person you love. Plus, the enemy knows that if he can destroy marriage he'll have everything else in the bag too, which is evidenced in the prevalence of child abuse, homosexuality, etc. since the breakdown of marriage.

It was amazing to see this woman listen to what I had to say. Me! A 28-year-old kid who has never been married or even been in a real relationship--who's never had children--was sitting there counseling a grown woman on what to do to fix her marriage and how we need to fight for our marriages as Christians. I left that night feeling a mix of sorrow for her turmoil and joy for how the Spirit used me, the most unlikely person.

Well, this last Thursday, the same lady approached me after study. She was so excited. She thanked me for what I had told her (to which I replied that the thanking should go to the Lord who put the words in my mouth), and that what I told her had clicked that night. She told me that she has been praying for her stepson every day since that night and that the Lord has blessed her so much. She had also revealed to the group that her husband finally admitted to her that his heart had hardened and he needed prayer--a great first step to healing in all of our opinions.

I know that this situation is going to be healed by the Lord because He hates divorce. I know that He is faithful if we call out to Him and for His will. It's just an honor to have been given a small part in it. Thank you for using me, Lord. I can't wait to see what happens through all of our prayers and Your work...

So things have been getting better when they were getting bad. I have a renewed outlook and I know something amazing is about to happen. I feel pretty. I feel good. I feel blessed!

And just for the heck of it, here's a scripture I learned at Church that I will being trying to keep in my heart for those times when I catch myself being sensitive:

Great peace have they who love thy Law: And nothing shall offend them. Psalms 119:165

"Can you go away?"

... is not an appropriate thing to say to someone in your office... ever. I'm sorry.

I was told this by someone in authority over me as I was in his office--twice yesterday and once just now. It pisses me off (for lack of a better phrase). It's rude.

I don't care who you are. You could be the President of the United States. No one deserves to be spoken to in such a way. How about, "I apologize, but I need to be alone," or "If you don't mind, I need you to step out and close the door behind you because I have....." It's really not that hard to be nice while being authoritative. We all know you are the head honcho.

All I can say is this person's secretary is literally an angel because she has put up with this type of treatment from this individual for over 10 years. 10 years! You are better than me, my friend. You are better than me.

Lord, help me to have patience with this person because I don't know how long You would have me work under him. I don't want to hate coming to work. I just got out of that mindset... I thought I was in a better place, but now I don't know.... Regardless, I know I am in Your hands and You have me exactly where You need me....

Fireworks is right...

Some cell phone shots:

Yesterday, Mandy and I went to Disneyland in the late afternoon so we could catch the new Halloween fireworks show featuring Jack Skellington, Zero, and a plethora of Disney Villains. It was pretty awesome and we got a great view. We were almost right in the front--right in front of the castle--probably 5 people deep. I'll post up more pics later, if and when I have a chance. =)

That show was amazing, but I have to say not as amazing as how rude the people were that were waiting for the show. It pretty much was almost ruined because of the rudeness. Seriously. Since when does Disney + Fireworks = Hostility? Sheesh!!!!

The worst bout of rudeness came when some of us in the crowd were encouraging this little 5-year-old kid, who's mother was too small to lift him up and who couldn't see anything, to move up to the front so he could see better. There was a gap where no one was standing and we figured it wasn't a big deal to make a way for him to go up there... by himself, mind you--not with a giant group of people who were gonna follow behind. Well, this lady up there went off and actually physically pushed this child back. When people started to try to explain to her that we were just trying to help him see better, she turns around and starts screaming that she's "been there since 5PM saving her seat" and blah blah blah! (Really? Because at 5PM you would have been run over by a trolly or horse-drawn carriage sitting in that exact location.)

Wow, lady. Wow. You seriously put your hands on someone else's child all for a 20-minute fireworks show, which you apparently had already seen since you were describing it to the people around you in such great detail a few moments earlier. You are a grown adult, lady. This is a child... Isn't Disneyland really supposed to be for the kids anyway? But no, you have your "rights," which means everyone needs to stay out of your way... even the kids.

Now if she had been waiting there since 5PM because someone was gonna come around passing out $100 bills, I would understand why she might lose her head (shoot, I need that money too... lol), but come on! We all--a bunch of strangers who didn't even know each other--were trying to do a nice thing for this kid, which was not going to affect this lady in any way. Just like Mandy said, I'm sorry your knees were going to be blocked from seeing the fireworks by this not-even-4 ft. child. What on earth? Talk about un-called-for and rude!

Thankfully, it turned out well for the kid. Despite being man-handled and then frightened and subequently caused to cry by this witch (guess it's fitting for Halloween), he got to enjoy the show how every kid should. Another nice elderly couple made room and both he and his mom were able to move to the front. Thank goodness there are SOME nice people in this world. I hope that lady's heart was burning with guilt and shame for how she behaved, but I doubt it. Then again she was still running her mouth at the end in defense of herself, which tells me she probably did feel guilty and didn't like it. Ha!

The sad thing is... Well, actually there are a few sad things:

1) After posting up my frustrations on Facebook, I find out that this is a regular thing during the fireworks show. People!!! It's Disneyland. We are all there to have fun... not fight each other.

2) The way in which society has become so obsessed with personal rights and self-centeredness, has caused us to become absolutely disgusting people. We have no self-control and can't even bite out tongues anymore--sadly, myself included at times. Any little thing that makes us mad and we will verbally assault a stranger.

3) People think it is okay to cuss each other out and be rude to each other in front of children. This goes back to point two, but I think it needed it's own category. What makes us think that a) it is appropriate to use foul language in front of kids (which I admit I have been guilty of in the past... shameful) and b) it is okay to completely forget that there are children around who don't understand what's going on and can become scared, all because we are offended. Wow, and then we can't understand why our kids act up and show no respect.

4) Disney himself was a man of morals and good, old-fashioned American values. I don't think he would have stood for this type of behavior in his park. He made Disneyland a place for ALL of us to enjoy and as a way to, for one day, forget about the stresses in our life. He did NOT intend for it become a battle zone!

Come on, people. We can do better than this!

Welcome to a Godless country...

This morning I heard about a 15-year-old kid in Florida who was set on fire by 5 other kids because he went to the police after they stole his bike. They doused him with rubbing alcohol and lit him on fire. He is now in intensive care and struggling for his life... he probably won't make it.

You can read about him at the Miami Herald.

They played a soundbite from these kids' miscreant of a lawyer. She talked about how what they did to this kid was heart wrenching to her as a mother and former teacher. She called it a tragedy. BUT then, in the same breath, she said that they were pleading "not guilty." NOT GUILTY? What the crap?! What part of what they did deems them not guilty, lady? Only one of these kids--ONE--is even remorseful.

What the heck is wrong with these children? Why are they hating, killing, raping, and maiming each other? What is wrong with us!?! What has happened to us?

What has happened is the removal of God--first from schools and now slowly but surely from society all together (thanks, ACLU... you guys are gems). Without God there is no rule of law and no accountability.

There have been studies that explicitly show that since prayer was removed from school in the 60's, violence, teen pregnancy, and a whole other plethora of horrible things has skyrocketed amongst our kids and in society. How do people not see the correlation? How can you not admit that without God we are horrible, disgusting, lost creatures?

There is no guilt or shame anymore because our kids are being programmed to believe that there is no God who lovingly gave us laws and direction for our own good and protection. So why should they care? On top of that, all kids get nowadays is slaps on the wrist anyway because they are "just kids and don't really know what they are doing." My butt they don't know what they are doing! Because of this mentality they are given free passes left and right instead of facing real consequences. What do they have to be afraid of that would make them think twice about committing atrocities against each other? Nothing.

Lord, forgive us for our stupidity and self-centeredness. In our selfishness we have removed You, thinking we can do things on our own, and with that the gates of Hell have been opened wide. Please help us. We need You. Please do not turn a deaf ears to the cries of those of us who still serve You...