Surrender already!

This post from Boundless really speaks to what I'm feeling right now.  It's like there is a war going on inside.  I--me, who I am in the Lord--genuinely WANTS to surrender all, but the flesh wants the opposite and my sinful nature is trying to convince me to just give it up all together because I'm such a hard time doing it to begin with.  I've always been that way:  If you can't do it right, don't do it at all.  I don't WANT that though.  I want to be obedient.  Here is a bit of what the author has to say about this:

And so I have a hard time singing those words, because I know that a more honest version might go something like this: “I surrender … some.”

I think both Peter and Paul might have had similar experiences with this hymn, though for different reasons, had it been around for them to sing. Peter, of course, probably would have belted it out at the top of his voice. He was, after all, the disciple who proclaimed to Jesus on the eve of His crucifixion, “Even if all fall away on account of you, I never will” (Mt. 26:33). A few short verses later, Peter has abandoned his Lord, who’s been taken into the custody of the Jewish religious leaders. We read in v. 58, “But Peter followed him at a distance …” Shortly thereafter, three quick and vehement denials would follow. How well intended Peter’s loyalty was! How far short he fell!

And then there’s Paul. In Romans 7 we read his famous description of the war between the two natures. “So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!” (Romans 7:21-25).

I can relate to Paul’s words here. There’s a part of me that genuinely longs to walk with Jesus. And there’s another part of me that, like a stubborn prodigal, insists on doing things Sinatra-style: my way. And so I wander away. I’m reminded of Robert Robinson’s classic hymn “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing,” which includes the lines, “Let Thy goodness, like a fetter/Bind my wandering heart to Thee/Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it/Prone to leave the God I love/Here’s my heart, O take and seal it/Seal it for Thy courts above.”

*sigh*

Lord, help me.  Help me to die to myself.  Help me lay down those things that are coming between You and I.  Help me to lay down those things I have no business and not enough strength to carry myself.  Help me to let go.  Help me to be content in WHATEVER circumstance I am in.  Help me to hide your Word and promises in my heart at all times.  Help me only the way You can.  In Jesus' name.  Amen.

Bye bye, comfort zone...

I think this is the year of God setting  me up to step outside of my comfort zone.  

It started at work.  We needed to hire a clerk and my boss asked if I would be okay with doing interviews.  I said, "sure!"  Inside, I was saying, "Oh crap! I've never done that before."  So, my friend Wendy and I teamed up and started interviewing candidates.  It was totally outside of my comfort zone, but I totally loved it!  I think it actually helped bring me out of my shell even more than I already have too! 

Before I even moved back to Pomona, I had already had the mindset that as soon as I got the condo I would try to get plugged into a church and start serving right away.  Well, I thought I would have some time to psych myself up for the whole idea.  Wrong.  Out of nowhere I felt the Lord pushing me to go ahead and start attending the Vine at my church here, Calvary Chapel Chino Valley.   The Vine is the 26- to 35-year-old ministry. 

I finally forced myself to go and I run into someone I know.  Then I find myself telling that person that I want to get involved and serve (Wait, what?  Did that just come out of my mouth?).  Next thing I know, this last Friday, I'm committing to help setup before Bible Study every Friday.  Again, I just stepped outside of my comfort zone and put myself out there. 

Yay me!

Even worse... okay better... part of setting up also involves greeting people.  Aaaaa!  Now THAT'S outside my comfort zone.  I'm no the type to approach people.  I usually let others come to me.  Yikes! That's definitely going to take some courage on my part.  I'll need God's help on that one.  =)

Yes, I'm definitely sure that this will be my year of stepping outside the comfort zone.  I guess the Lord never runs out of things to teach us...

Lord, thank You.  You never cease to amaze me.  I'm also taking this as confirmation that you want me at my church... even if it's not in the same neighborhood as my future house.  Thank You for my church and thank You for new opportunities and open doors, and distractions.  ;)

Still here... barely

I'm still here, blog.  Sorry I've neglected you.  So much has been happening.  Busy at work, which I love.  Have an offer in on a condo (short sale).  Started going to the young adult (26-35 year olds) ministry at church and it's been a big blessing.  Started journaling my thoughts and prayers in a notebook instead of here (sorry!).  =)

Oh and there's that other thing...  The thing where I'm still trying to get over the boy (I know... stupid).  It's been a LOT better than it was a month ago, but I still wonder and ruminate over everything.  If I could have things my way, we would reconcile and be friends again, and part of me thinks that could happen one day, but I know it won't be after a lot of time has passed. 

My sister has a boyfriend now.  She met him a month ago.  A MONTH and it already seems like this one is the One for her.

Now don't get me wrong.  I'm over the moon for my sister and I actually prayed for this, but I admit, it feels like a slap in the face.  I can't help but feel frustrated and wonder what in the name of all that is just and right I'm doing wrong.  My sister JUST decided to start dating again and WHAM!, prayers answered.  I've been trying to put myself out there for over a year and all I've gotten is one situation that was a bust.  *sigh*

Lord, please.  Please.  I need your reassurance right now.  I need some hope.  I need to know that I'm not going to be alone forever.  *tear* 

Forgive my weakness...