Defrauding each other....

I just read this in the Women Praying Boldly blog and it totally describes what happened between me and a friend of mine a few years ago, who I was in love with and spent all my time with and who let me think that our relationship was more than it was:

It's bad when guys spend time with you in a way that makes you think they're interested in more than a friendship. Bad because it misleads you and risks putting wear and tear on your heart. Bad because it's defrauding.

She then goes on to ask if girls do the same thing and if it's wrong. YES and YES! I've seen it and it is wrong for anyone to lead anyone else on. None of us has the right to waste anyone else's time like that and play with anyone's feelings. It's wrong to be selfish!!! When are we going to understand that in this "ME. ME. ME" era?

Anyway, I've read another article in the past by Candace, the author of this blog. It talked about being in the "buddy zone" where you are not quite sure if you are dating the person and how it's no good for you. The person is getting everything from you that you would get in a dating relationship (companionship, a shoulder to cry on, devotion, etc.), but without the commitment or intimacy. It leaves you confused and hurt. This totally happened to me. Not only did it hurt my feelings, but I wasted months (almost a year) of my life on this guy when I could have been out in the world being exposed to people who WERE interested in and deserving of me.

This is why I'm being so cautious about being anything beyond just friends with any guys in my life right now (see previous blog post). That situation happened to me soooo long ago, but I learned a big lesson from it. I am guarding my heart as closely as possible because I know that one day that man who is sure and true will come and I don't want to have all this emotional baggage to dump on him because I let other guys dupe me into thinking it was more than it was...

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:23

Friendship, marriage, etc...

So a few blogs back I wrote about a guy that I've been emailing. I had mentioned that I wanted to be extremely cautious with this guy because of the fact that, although he is a Christian, he is not walking with the Lord right now. So far, I've kept up with it. We are still ONLY emailing.

He recently gave me his number so we could text each other, but I told him that I would like to stick to emailing him. Now, 2 weeks or so down the line, I started considering giving him my number so we could text each other and maybe even talk, but I decided I need to make one thing very clear beforehand. I told him that I am ONLY looking for a friend right now.

I explained to him that at this point in my life I am trying to honor the Lord and His will for my life. I don't want to jump into anything that is not pleasing and honoring to Him. I explained the situation with my last dating relationship (as brief as it was... lol) and how disappointing it was, and told him that I don't plan to go through that again. I completely believe that the next person I date/hang out with exlusively and even kiss is going to be my future husband, and as a result I want to be as thoroughly cautious as possible.

He agreed and understands from a Christian perspective. We are on the same page. It's all good. We are friends right now. I'm happy.

One thing he said to me though that really struck me was that he believed that the Lord used this stupid dating service to 1) introduce us to one another and 2) to show him how much the Lord loves him more than he ever could imagine (or something like that... lol). I thought that was sweet.

I definitely have to say that something is in the making here. I don't know if it's romantic or just that the Lord is drawing this guy back to Him, but whatever it is, I feel good about it. My instincts are usually right too....


Speaking of marriage....

There is a lady in my Women's Bible Study who was asking for prayer a while back because her marriage appears to be falling apart. She started to tell us that her stepson is a big part of the problem. She harbors a lot of ill-will towards this kid. Almost immediately the Lord put it on my heart to tell this lady to start praying for her stepson. She replied that she does pray that the Lord would remove these bad feelings towards him. I then clarified that she needed to pray FOR HIM. She needed to pray for his salvation. She needed to pray for him like he was one of her children. I explained to her that once she started to do that the Lord would change her heart towards him. I also told her that she needed to stop blaming him and look at the real culprit here, which is the Devil, who loves to come in to divide and conquer.

Man, the Holy Spirit was using me to give a message to her that night, I tell you. All of that came from Him. He didn't stop there though...

When study was over, Diana and I approached her and re-inforced what we had previously told her. I then went on (well, it was the Holy Spirit, not me) to explain to her that the Devil absolutely HATES marriage and will use anything in his power to destroy it. He hates it because it is a picture of Christ and his bride, the church. Christ sacrificed himself and died for us so that we migh have life. Marriage is all about dying to yourself for the person you love. Plus, the enemy knows that if he can destroy marriage he'll have everything else in the bag too, which is evidenced in the prevalence of child abuse, homosexuality, etc. since the breakdown of marriage.

It was amazing to see this woman listen to what I had to say. Me! A 28-year-old kid who has never been married or even been in a real relationship--who's never had children--was sitting there counseling a grown woman on what to do to fix her marriage and how we need to fight for our marriages as Christians. I left that night feeling a mix of sorrow for her turmoil and joy for how the Spirit used me, the most unlikely person.

Well, this last Thursday, the same lady approached me after study. She was so excited. She thanked me for what I had told her (to which I replied that the thanking should go to the Lord who put the words in my mouth), and that what I told her had clicked that night. She told me that she has been praying for her stepson every day since that night and that the Lord has blessed her so much. She had also revealed to the group that her husband finally admitted to her that his heart had hardened and he needed prayer--a great first step to healing in all of our opinions.

I know that this situation is going to be healed by the Lord because He hates divorce. I know that He is faithful if we call out to Him and for His will. It's just an honor to have been given a small part in it. Thank you for using me, Lord. I can't wait to see what happens through all of our prayers and Your work...

So things have been getting better when they were getting bad. I have a renewed outlook and I know something amazing is about to happen. I feel pretty. I feel good. I feel blessed!

And just for the heck of it, here's a scripture I learned at Church that I will being trying to keep in my heart for those times when I catch myself being sensitive:

Great peace have they who love thy Law: And nothing shall offend them. Psalms 119:165

"Can you go away?"

... is not an appropriate thing to say to someone in your office... ever. I'm sorry.

I was told this by someone in authority over me as I was in his office--twice yesterday and once just now. It pisses me off (for lack of a better phrase). It's rude.

I don't care who you are. You could be the President of the United States. No one deserves to be spoken to in such a way. How about, "I apologize, but I need to be alone," or "If you don't mind, I need you to step out and close the door behind you because I have....." It's really not that hard to be nice while being authoritative. We all know you are the head honcho.

All I can say is this person's secretary is literally an angel because she has put up with this type of treatment from this individual for over 10 years. 10 years! You are better than me, my friend. You are better than me.

Lord, help me to have patience with this person because I don't know how long You would have me work under him. I don't want to hate coming to work. I just got out of that mindset... I thought I was in a better place, but now I don't know.... Regardless, I know I am in Your hands and You have me exactly where You need me....

Fireworks is right...

Some cell phone shots:

Yesterday, Mandy and I went to Disneyland in the late afternoon so we could catch the new Halloween fireworks show featuring Jack Skellington, Zero, and a plethora of Disney Villains. It was pretty awesome and we got a great view. We were almost right in the front--right in front of the castle--probably 5 people deep. I'll post up more pics later, if and when I have a chance. =)

That show was amazing, but I have to say not as amazing as how rude the people were that were waiting for the show. It pretty much was almost ruined because of the rudeness. Seriously. Since when does Disney + Fireworks = Hostility? Sheesh!!!!

The worst bout of rudeness came when some of us in the crowd were encouraging this little 5-year-old kid, who's mother was too small to lift him up and who couldn't see anything, to move up to the front so he could see better. There was a gap where no one was standing and we figured it wasn't a big deal to make a way for him to go up there... by himself, mind you--not with a giant group of people who were gonna follow behind. Well, this lady up there went off and actually physically pushed this child back. When people started to try to explain to her that we were just trying to help him see better, she turns around and starts screaming that she's "been there since 5PM saving her seat" and blah blah blah! (Really? Because at 5PM you would have been run over by a trolly or horse-drawn carriage sitting in that exact location.)

Wow, lady. Wow. You seriously put your hands on someone else's child all for a 20-minute fireworks show, which you apparently had already seen since you were describing it to the people around you in such great detail a few moments earlier. You are a grown adult, lady. This is a child... Isn't Disneyland really supposed to be for the kids anyway? But no, you have your "rights," which means everyone needs to stay out of your way... even the kids.

Now if she had been waiting there since 5PM because someone was gonna come around passing out $100 bills, I would understand why she might lose her head (shoot, I need that money too... lol), but come on! We all--a bunch of strangers who didn't even know each other--were trying to do a nice thing for this kid, which was not going to affect this lady in any way. Just like Mandy said, I'm sorry your knees were going to be blocked from seeing the fireworks by this not-even-4 ft. child. What on earth? Talk about un-called-for and rude!

Thankfully, it turned out well for the kid. Despite being man-handled and then frightened and subequently caused to cry by this witch (guess it's fitting for Halloween), he got to enjoy the show how every kid should. Another nice elderly couple made room and both he and his mom were able to move to the front. Thank goodness there are SOME nice people in this world. I hope that lady's heart was burning with guilt and shame for how she behaved, but I doubt it. Then again she was still running her mouth at the end in defense of herself, which tells me she probably did feel guilty and didn't like it. Ha!

The sad thing is... Well, actually there are a few sad things:

1) After posting up my frustrations on Facebook, I find out that this is a regular thing during the fireworks show. People!!! It's Disneyland. We are all there to have fun... not fight each other.

2) The way in which society has become so obsessed with personal rights and self-centeredness, has caused us to become absolutely disgusting people. We have no self-control and can't even bite out tongues anymore--sadly, myself included at times. Any little thing that makes us mad and we will verbally assault a stranger.

3) People think it is okay to cuss each other out and be rude to each other in front of children. This goes back to point two, but I think it needed it's own category. What makes us think that a) it is appropriate to use foul language in front of kids (which I admit I have been guilty of in the past... shameful) and b) it is okay to completely forget that there are children around who don't understand what's going on and can become scared, all because we are offended. Wow, and then we can't understand why our kids act up and show no respect.

4) Disney himself was a man of morals and good, old-fashioned American values. I don't think he would have stood for this type of behavior in his park. He made Disneyland a place for ALL of us to enjoy and as a way to, for one day, forget about the stresses in our life. He did NOT intend for it become a battle zone!

Come on, people. We can do better than this!

Welcome to a Godless country...

This morning I heard about a 15-year-old kid in Florida who was set on fire by 5 other kids because he went to the police after they stole his bike. They doused him with rubbing alcohol and lit him on fire. He is now in intensive care and struggling for his life... he probably won't make it.

You can read about him at the Miami Herald.

They played a soundbite from these kids' miscreant of a lawyer. She talked about how what they did to this kid was heart wrenching to her as a mother and former teacher. She called it a tragedy. BUT then, in the same breath, she said that they were pleading "not guilty." NOT GUILTY? What the crap?! What part of what they did deems them not guilty, lady? Only one of these kids--ONE--is even remorseful.

What the heck is wrong with these children? Why are they hating, killing, raping, and maiming each other? What is wrong with us!?! What has happened to us?

What has happened is the removal of God--first from schools and now slowly but surely from society all together (thanks, ACLU... you guys are gems). Without God there is no rule of law and no accountability.

There have been studies that explicitly show that since prayer was removed from school in the 60's, violence, teen pregnancy, and a whole other plethora of horrible things has skyrocketed amongst our kids and in society. How do people not see the correlation? How can you not admit that without God we are horrible, disgusting, lost creatures?

There is no guilt or shame anymore because our kids are being programmed to believe that there is no God who lovingly gave us laws and direction for our own good and protection. So why should they care? On top of that, all kids get nowadays is slaps on the wrist anyway because they are "just kids and don't really know what they are doing." My butt they don't know what they are doing! Because of this mentality they are given free passes left and right instead of facing real consequences. What do they have to be afraid of that would make them think twice about committing atrocities against each other? Nothing.

Lord, forgive us for our stupidity and self-centeredness. In our selfishness we have removed You, thinking we can do things on our own, and with that the gates of Hell have been opened wide. Please help us. We need You. Please do not turn a deaf ears to the cries of those of us who still serve You...

The "V" word

I just came across this old Boundless article on Virginity. It's good. This stood out to me:

The last time I remember seeing one of our kind positively portrayed on television was, I believe, back in the late 80s. I'm not saying there haven't been others since then. In fact, I recently learned there is just such a character (a young, male Christian cop) on the hour-long drama The District. So, two in 20 years — not exactly record-breaking. However, the last one I personally remember was more than a decade ago. It was the bend-the-rules drama L.A. Law, and they introduced a beautiful, committed Christian woman who unashamedly admitted she was still a virgin. The show got a lot of press as a result, but it certainly didn't lead to a spin-off series about just such a character.

Ellen comes out of the closet and she's hailed as a bold spokesperson for her, as they say, sexual orientation. One of ours makes a statement supporting abstinence and she gets scrunched up noses and confused glares. The Miss America organization told the 2002 winner, Erika Harold, to shut up about her message of chastity. "I will not be bullied," was Harold's reply and, to her credit, pageant officials quickly backed down from their narrow-minded restrictions. Still, it's clearly not politically correct to preach abstinence.

Nope, let's face it. Either we proudly proclaim that our lifestyle choice of abstinence is good and honorable and holy, and accept the consequences, come what may, or we become just like the world — indulging in a sexual free-for-all that can only lead to pain, disappointment and self-esteem decimated by the knowledge (even if it's only an undefined feeling deep down) that we've cheapened something that was meant to be so much better.

Man, does this speak to me. I'm tired of being treated like some kind of freak because I'm a 28-year-old Virgin. AND? They act like something is "wrong" with me and that's why I'm still a virgin. Trust me, folks, if I wanted to get some, I could get some. It's not about that!

And the author is right. You can come out to the world with any kind of alternative sexual lifestyle or confess to sleeping with your co-workers on national television (David Letterman), and no one bats an eye. You say you are a virgin, and all of a sudden defenses run high and you are being attacked by people who barely know you. Why do you care so much about MY sex life, or lack thereof?

Why? Guilt. Period.

Life isn't all that fulfilling and drama-fee afterall with free sex in it, is it? Who wants to admit they made a mistake though? Not too many. It's better to go after the person who's doing what you secretly wish you would have done... You know all too well that you gave away your gift and can't get it back.

Well, don't shame me for your mistakes! Accept them, ask for forgiveness, forgive yourself, and change. Every mistake can be righted with the love and mercy of God... Giving ME a hard time about it isn't going to fix anything, especially because I'm not the perfect goody-goody you think that I think I am... I've got my own guilt and sins to worry about.

Recognizing the light in me...

I just remembered something that happened a couple weeks ago.

The night before Baby K's birthday party, Sandy, Baby K and I walked from her house to the Dollar Tree down the street to pick up some last-minute stuff for the party. We had dinner at KFC and then walked across the parking lot to the Dollar Tree. As we were nearing the door a young man who was talking to himself as if angry or frustrated approached us. I figured he must suffer from schizophrenia and just acted like I didn't notice him. We proceeded to walk past us and straight to the entrance of the store. Suddenly, he stopped, looked straight at me, mumbled something, paused, and then said, "you're no fun." I was not scared at all and just watched as he went into the store.

Sandy told me she was scared and I could tell she was hesitant about going in. I told her not to be scared and that we would be okay. Why? I knew the Lord was protecting us and didn't feel one hint of nervousness. We went in and did our shopping, never seeing him in the store. I literally kept a lookout for him and it was like he disappeared. We went on with our shopping and I didn't think twice about it until I got to Kim's house.

I tell Kim the story and her response brought me chills. She made an observation that I didn't even think of. She said something about how he saw Jesus in me and knew he couldn't get to me. Hmm... I didn't even think about it that way. I thought back to the kid and how he looked straight at me and said, "you're no fun."

I really believe that poor kid is plagued with one or more demons and those demons wanted to scare me. They were disappointed when they had no power over me. The devil has no power over the children of God.

What an amazing thing to witness... I really know that the Lord is protecting me and the enemy has no power here! Hallelujah. There is nothing to fear.

Lord, put your hand on that poor boy. Heal him, Lord, and bring him into your light. Bind the enemy against him in the name of Jesus. Amen!

My Love Interest = God First

Even when I was fat, ugly, and depressed, I was always picky.

Hahaha! That sounds hilarious when I go back and read it.... It's true though. Even when this beggar had no right to be choosy, she was.

Anyway, as a first child, I've always had my list of requirements. With age though (and possibly desperation) that list of deal-breakers had started to dwindle significantly. Now that I have a deeper relationship with the Lord though, my list has come down to one important thing: HE MUST LOVE THE LORD AND LOVE HIM FIRST--ABOVE ALL THINGS AND ALL PEOPLE.

There are no ifs, ands or buts about it. He has to be a believer, devoted to the Lord, or it ain't gonna happen. I know that God has the same requirement for me, so I am, in other words, seeking His will.

So, as previously mentioned, I'm on Facebook. Well, there are little advertisements here and there when I'm playing games (Farm Town, Roller Coaster Kingdom, Bejewelled Blitz--yes, I have a lot of time on my hands, okay... lol). Last week, I noticed an ad for Zoosk.com. It's another of those dating sites. What caught my eye was that it said something about finding like-minded people. Hmmm...

Don't ask me why, but I decided to check it out. I think I was mostly bored, but I also liked that this thing was free (not all of us can afford eHarmony). I created my profile and made it VERY clear that I love the Lord and I'm serving Him. I figured that would weed most every idiot out, plus, I am proud of my love for God, so I might as well show it.

So, of course I get hits from questionable guys pretty much immediately. Every time I check out there profiles though, and even though they have themselves down as Christian in the religion category, there is no indication that they are living for the Lord. So.... Next!

Then a few days ago, I get a hit from this guy. The first thing he writes is that he basically admires my devotion to the Lord and he would like "this to be the impetus of a godly friendship." Okay, you've caught my attention. Seems intelligent enough at least. I look at the pics: attractive guy. Profile: just like the others he is not repping God anywhere, but his descriptions are thorough and seem genuine. Okay, I'll talk to you.

So, this guy and I have been chatting and I've gathered that he is wanting to come back to the Lord, but is not ready to let go of the control. I share my testimony and encourage him to go to church and get involved. He sounds like he's almost at that point of surrender, but I really don't know this guy so who am I to make conjectures. I did tell him that the fact that he has listened to my testimony and arguments seems to be a step in the right direction. =)

We move away from the topic of God and start to talk about ourselves. I hate to say it, but I'm starting to become interested in this guy. That is so not good. I know better than this!

Like I said in the beginning, I want God's will for my love life (well, my whole life actually), and I knwo His will includes a man/husband who loves and serves Him. This guy is not at that point right now.

I know this, but it's hard. Recently, I have been feeling overwhelmingly lonely and love sick. I'm praying and asking God for forgiveness for having a longing for something other than Him, but nevertheless it's there. So this guy, and his conversation, and his attention are messing me up right now. I don't want to turn around and stop talking to this guy, but maybe I have to. This may sound like an excuse, but I also don't want to turn him away from the Lord by rejecting him.

For now, all I can do is be extremely cautious and keep it on a friend level. Maybe he can come to church with me. Maybe he'll give his life back to the Lord. Maybe none of those things. I guess I have to pray and wait to see what the Lord will have me do.

Ay ay ay....

I need some friends...

I can't remember whether I've mentioned this before or not and I don't feel like going back to check, but I am really longing for some Christian girlfriends that are my age! I need people I can relate to.

What do I relate to? Singleness. Being a young Christian. Being a young girl in Los Angeles. Trying to stay pure. Trying to prepare one's self for a future husband. Lonliness.

These are all thing that other young Christian girls would be able to relate to me on. Currently, my friends are all either single, but not Christian, or they are Christian, but not single. The only people that I can relate to right now are my sister, Katie, and my cousin, Kristi. The problemo is that Katie lives far away and Kristi is uber busy these days. I need someone HERE and NOW!

What's my other problemo? I am way shy, folks. I am. I can go to countless young adult studies and never once talk to a soul. I am not the approacher. I'm the approachee. lol. This is why I need a more intimate setting in which to get to know people.

So, I've been praying and trying to be more approachable and friendly. But it's not working. I work with a young girl in Children's Ministry. I try to talk to her and be friendly, but she seems to want nothing to do with me... since day one. The only friends I've made are slightly older ladies who are married. Can't really do much or relate much with them. It's nice to have these ladies in my life, but it's not the same.

Well, now I have my new year of Bible Study and there are tons of young girls in my group. I'm hopeful, but then I'm not. I really want to do my best to make friends with at least a couple of these girls. I am insecure though... me and girls my age don't usually mix well for some reason. I hope that changes!


Lord, help me to be what You want and need me to be. Help me to have boldness to step outside of myself to befriend these girls. Some of them are new believers and I have a lot of knowledge that I know could help them in their new walks, but I need the courage to put myself out there first. Help me to be a good witness and testimony to them. Please also give them the understanding and patience that I know it sometimes takes to have me as a friend. =) Amen!

Kaylin's Country Fair Round-up

Phew! It's over. We did it. We pulled off one AWESOME birthday party for Kaylin's 2nd Birthday. (See pics in my previous post.) Everyone loved it, but most importantly, Kaylin seemed to have the time of her life. I never once saw her cry or get angry or anything. She was living it up!

The day started out kinda weird. I got to the ranch and it seemed like everyone (but me) was in a bad mood or something. We got it together though and started setting up. Everything came together perfectly. The food was set up (including our cool Hot Dog rotisserie!), the decorations were posted up, and the games were arranged in plenty of time. We did everything pretty efficiently to where we had plenty of time to put it all together and go pick up the cake and get ready well before anyone arrived. It all worked out.

The kids were loving getting their own tickets to "pay" for their games and treats. They were loving the face painting and the bounce house (which I think is a hit with every kid wherever you go. lol). I think the most popular thing by far was the Balloon Twister guy. He had a line down the block. Hahaha... Seriously. We couldn't get hardly anyone to play any games for the whole hour he was there. He was AMAZING though... I have to say. The balloons I saw him make were incredible (Tinkerbell!! Wow!). On one hand I wish we coulda had him longer, but on the other I was glad he left cuz he was stealing the customers from the games. =)

All in all the party turned out great. There were almost no complaints or crying from any kid that I noticed. They ALL, including the parents, seemed to love it. We've been getting nothing but compliments since it ended ("You should start a busines!"). It makes me proud, but most of all it warms my heart that people really appreciated it and that we could give them an almost free (since they did buy gifts for Kaylin) day of fun for them and their families in a time when it's not in the budget to go out to an amusement park or fair.

People are suggesting we do this every year. Maybe we will. We'll see.... At least we know it would be a big hit and Kaylin would love it!

Thanks, Lord, for giving us that creative and ingenious gene. All the praise, honor, and glory goes to YOU. We would not be able to do these things without Your gifts. =)

Pics from Kaylin's Country Fair

Baby K taking a bite out of her cake. Mmmm!

All the Fair Goers. =)

Kaylin and Kassidy in the bounce house.

Some of the Helpers. Couldn't have done it without 'em.

Baby K and me

Baby K as the Trainer and Tia Katie as the Lion. =)

Baby K playing the Can Toss game

Baby K playing the Bean Bag Toss

In line for the balloon guy. He was amazing!

Face Painting

Dear Kaylin...

Dear Kaylin,

Happy Day-Before-Your-Birthday!! Tomorrow you will turn 2 years old!!! Wow! My precious Baby K is not going to be a baby much longer. Didn't you like just show up yesterday? =)

Then again....I can't believe you have been around for only two years! Seems like you've existed forever... in my heart. (Corny, I know, but true. lol.) I love you so so so so so SO much! I thank God for you everyday. You will always be my very first niece, which makes you very special. I'm already so proud of you and don't know what I would do without you in my life!

I don't know if you will ever see this, but I just want you to know how much I love you and how much I pray that you will grow to be a God-fearing, kind, gentle, loving, wonderful lady. I pray that God blesses you with a long and happy life; a loving husband and obediant children; and His grace, peace and joy.

I LOVE YOU, BABY K!!!

Love, Tia/Nina Kristina