The business of going bonkers while biding my time for something better...

Today has to be one of the most boring and unproductive days this year. I could so be doing this at home, but no. I have to make that “paper”, as they say… cash money, son. I will have a mortgage soon and that mortgage must be paid… ‘cause I sure don’t have a rich hubby or sugar daddy who’s going to pay it. Lol.

I just really don’t like not having anything to do. I always feel like my job isn’t up to par with my skill and efficiency levels. I should be at a much higher level than I am at the moment.

There’s just one problem: my face.

No, I don’t have a giant mole on the center of my nose. I know it’s not my teeth, or I’ve wasted 2 years of my life and $6,000 on Invisalign. I’m pretty sure I’m not hideous to look at. No, none of these things. What’s the problem? I have the face of a girl 8 years younger and therefore, in the minds of those with whom I have interviewed, I’m not ready for, nor can I handle, a higher level secretarial position.

REVERSE AGISM!!! I tell you!

It’s funny, but it’s not. I know people are like, “Really? You’re complaining that you look years younger than you are?” Well, now that I’m about to be a single, childless 30-year-old, heck no! I’m loving it.

I just don’t love people making assumptions about someone who LOOKS young, when all you have to do is look at my resume and performance evaluations (I’ve gotten Outstanding on my last 2 years of evals… thank you very much!).

*sigh*

I know at the end of the day, it’s God who is in control and maybe HE just doesn’t think I’m ready, but at the same time I can’t possibly believe that it’s His will that I sit around on my butt being completely unproductive. That’s no way to serve Him. Maybe I just need to take more initiative???? How? There is only so much filing someone can do…..

Somebody tell me how before I go cuckoo……

Going back up again...

I know I am blessed.  I know this is MY year.  For the first time, the good things that happen to me far outweigh the bad.  I love it!   I love that I can see it!   God is good to me, despite myself.   =)

I was down for just a moment last week about the job and guy thing, but I'm over it. 

I stopped communicating with him and then, through different educational resources (both Christian and secular), realized that my problem was that I was trying to do the take-action, guy thing instead of letting him do that.  He's the guy... that's his job and guys like that jobm and when we let them do it, it helps them to like us even more. 

Oops.  Won't be doing that again.  ;)

Well, I stopped communicating and sure enough he got curious.  It was nice that the theory was proved, but he still didn't poke his head around enough and take action, so I'm pretty much no longer very interested and leaving that one alone.  I am chocking it up to a learning experience on what NOT to do. 

I love learning things and changing, so I'm actually happy for this experience.  I'm starting to see what works and what doesn't.  It's nice to feel like you have a game plan (for lack of a better term--it's definitely not about playing games).    I want to be the girl who is easygoing, not controlling, and can communicate her feelings in a way that makes a man respond positively instead of negatively (freaking out and running.... lol). 

We'll see what happens.  I have promised myself that I will not be committing to anyone for 6 months because of all I have going on.  So for now it's practice, practice, practice!


I heard some promising news about my house.  We are still waiting for bank approval, but they think it looks good.  I am excited, but not letting myself get too excited.   I almost bought some candlesticks for the house the other day, but stopped myself.  I know it's silly, but I feel like if I buy anything I will jinx everything.  =)


My sister is about to give birth and we still haven't seen each other since St. Patrick's day.   It's kinda strange, but at the same time, it really doesn't illicit any strong feelings on my part.  I just miss my niece, Alexis. 

The other day, the Lord impressed it upon my heart to have a spirit of reconciliation, so I texted my sister.  I basically apologized for hurting her in anyway and told her that I don't want to have problems because the Lord commands us to forgive. I also told her that our relationship will never be what it was, but I still love her and my niece and nephew. 

She responded saying that she forgave me and knows that much of what happened was her doing.  She also added that she loves me no matter what. 

That was that.  I don't think it will and frankly don't want it to lead to us going back to speaking and sharing our lives with each other, but at least I know I can be around my sister and not have a large amount of animosity toward her.  My brother-in-law on the other hand.... lol.  

Seriously, though, I love my sister and the kids, but I really don't want anything to do with that man anymore.  I don't NEED to have him in my life and I don't WANT to have him in my life.  I think I have to forgive him because that's what Jesus commanded us to do, but there is nowhere I know of in the Bible that says I need to have him in my life or ever even be in his presence, so yeah.

Anyway, things are good.  Hopefully very soon I will be able to anounce a new house and a new member of the family.  =)

Thank you, Lord, for your abundant and undeserved blessings.  I know I don't deserve them AT ALL, but by all means, keep them coming.  =)

What goes up...

... must come down, as they say.

Everything has been going great. I'm on track to be in my very own first home soon. I've gone on some decent interviews. I'm now down a total of 22 lbs. Etc., etc., etc.

But now--today--I feel like it could all implode.

Well, first let me add one more seemingly good thing to the list: I met a nice guy in Vegas over the weekend.

So nice, he hiked all the way from the Luxor to my hotel, Ceaser's Palace, at 2:30 in the morning just to hang out with me... no funny business. Do you know how far that is? (Google it. Its far. ) He was nothing but a gentleman. A tall, handsome PE teacher, likes kids gentleman who seemed to like me, of all people. He was too good to be true.

So now I'm back to reality.

What happens in my reality? You get word that you weren't chosen for the position you REALLY wanted. Rejection. You don't hear from the guy you REALLY wanted a chance to get to know. Rejection.

(Please don't let the house be next, Lord.)

Now, even though I'm trying very hard not to be, I'm slipping into a funk. What am I doing wrong? No, what am I doing right? That way I can continue doing it and make this disappointing feeling go away.

Lord, I know I need to keep focusing my attention on You. You're all that matters. Help me...

Things were going so well...