The enemy is cray cray...

It never fails when you set out to do something for the Lord, the enemy flips out and tries to mess things up.   We are starting this new ministry on Sunday Nights and we are all on board.  We want to serve the Lord, reach more people in our age group (late twenties/thirties), and grow this little family we have into a community.  We had a our final night of the Vine last Friday and we were already making plans as to how we were going to maintain fellowship and the closeness we have.  

Yeah, well the enemy doesn’t like us doing anything for the kingdom of God, nor does he want us to be close and unified.  So he tries to cause division.  Jerk.

I won’t get into the details, but I’m seeing how he is stirring the pot amongst the group.   Today it dawned on me, after being pulled into two different situations of potential drama, that He is trying to turn us against each other.   That would be a good way to mess things up, wouldn’t it?   Except for one thing:  WE DON’T HAVE TO FALL FOR IT!   We don’t have to take part in it.  We need to see it for what it is… attacks. 

The Bible says to put on the full armor of God because we will have to stand against this type of stuff:

Ephesians 6:10-18

10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.  18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

I think God saved the best part for last:  KEEP ON PRAYING FOR ALL THE LORD’S PEOPLE!  We need to be in constant prayer over each other and over this ministry.  With prayer and all the other parts of the armor, we should be alright.  Greater is He who is in us, than he who is in the world! 

He will not win.

Look around and be encouraged...

It’s so very hard for me to be discouraged right about now…. What with all the work I see God doing.  =)

Aside from the work God is doing in me right now, I’m seeing Him do work in the lives of other people I really care about.  It’s seriously astonishing, but at the same time, not surprising.  I serve THE mighty and powerful God of the universe after all. 

Two years ago this month I started working for the Department of Mental Health and became fast friends with a co-worker, Wendy.  She was a sweetheart and we both had very similar views on life.  She did not know Jesus though.   God crossed our paths for a purpose.  For me, she was a shoulder to lean on during a difficult time with someone who broke my heart.   In the midst of that situation, even though I’m sure I wasn’t always the greatest representative of Christ, I was able to show her what it is to have faith and lean on God during a trial.  Where God really used me to impact her, though, was when she was going through a trial of her own.  I was able to minister to her with the truth of God’s word.  When everyone else was telling her to give up and turn her back on the person who was hurting her, I encouraged her to forgive and pray for that person and to believe that God can redeem and change ANYONE.  I did my best to tell and show her that there is a God out there who loves her and wants the best for her.  I encouraged her to focus on her own relationship with God.  Well, God is so good and he uses even imperfect Christians like me to do His work. 

This last Easter she gave her life to Jesus.   This last August, the person with whom she was going through a major trial gave their life to Jesus.  Now they are both in love with Jesus.   All this because God put us in each other lives.  Today, she expressed gratitude for me in her life.   It wasn’t me.  It was Jesus.  I am the one who is thankful… thankful to be used by God in a small way to His glory and for His kingdom.  I am also thankful that our friendship does not have to end in this life.  Praise God!

Yesterday, I woke up discouraged about the situation with the Ex.  I was feeling fearful about what the future holds EVEN THOUGH God keeps showing me that things are going to be okay.   Well, I went to service and when I walked in, there he was.  I was shocked to see that standing next to him was his father.   This is a man who has struggled with alcohol.  This is a man who doesn’t (or didn’t?) know the Lord.  This is a man whose children have been praying for and ministering to him for a while now.  This is a man who almost died a month ago while on vacation in Mexico, but by the grace of God his family was able to fly down and get him home and is still with us.    To see him at church, let alone looking somewhat healthy, blessed me so much!

I immediately walked up to them, said hi to the Ex and then to his dad. I told his dad that I was so glad to see him there and that I had been praying for him.  He thanked me and then I sat down in the pew behind them.  All I could do the whole worship time was praise God for bringing this man to church.  The message was so perfect also.  There were elements for the Ex, his Dad, and me.   God was really present there. 

After service we walked out together along with my Ex’s brother.  It was nice because it’s been a while since the Ex and I have been able to talk and not be awkward with each other.  We chit-chatted a little and then that was when his father interjected.   He reiterated his thanks for all the prayers and expressed the belief that they were what kept him alive.  I told him that not only did I pray, but I had my whole family praying for him.  I could see the sheer gratitude on his face.  Then he told me something that made me tear up:  He was so scared to die alone in Mexico.  Oh man.   We talked some more and then he told me that this was the second time in his life that he almost died.  

Now this is when God did something. 

I looked this man straight in the eye and I said, “So what is God telling you?”   He paused and I could see his mind working.   Then I went on:  “He’s saying, ‘I love you…. I want you.  I want you.’” 

What happen next surprised not only me, but his sons who were standing there.  This macho Mexican man broke down crying.   Of course, I then started crying.  It was way too much emotion going on in front of the doors of our church.  LOL!   His sons hugged him and all I could say was, “look how lucky you are to have a family who loves you so much.”   It really was a beautiful moment.   It was a God moment and, again, I was so thankful to be used by God in such a small way to impact a life for His kingdom.  I know… I KNOW… God is calling this man.  He is calling the whole family.  I feel so blessed to witness it happen.

On top of the blessing of seeing God touch a man’s heart, it was so encouraging to know that no matter what happens with the Ex and I, there is so much love between this family and I.  I was happy to show my Ex just how much he and his family mean to me.  God just continues to show me that He has this situation in His hands and He WILL honor our obedience and redeem the time that has been lost. 

How can I not be encouraged right now?  Praise Jesus!!!

Get onboard...

Wowsers!  This last weekend was crazy! 

For a while now I have felt something stirring in my spirit.  The breakup left me feeling this overwhelming need and hunger for God to just refine me and change me.  I spoke to a dear sister, Angelina, not too long ago about it and we talked about what God was doing in our lives.  We both shared a sense that he was working in us and our group of friends, all of whom serve and/or regularly attend a young adult group at our church called The Vine.  I told her that I felt like God was preparing all of us for something big.   I described it like this:  We are all on this train headed for the same destination, but God has assigned each of us a different seat with a  different view.  He is doing a work in each of us on an individual basis to prepare us for the same destination.

Well, cut to this last Friday—the night of The Vine—where we all got some somewhat unexpected news.   The Vine is no more.  It’s shutting down.  What?!!! 

Robert, our leader at The Vine (mini-pastor, if you will), explained that our Pastor, David Rosales, asked him to take over Sunday night chapel.  That is huge.  As a result though, he asked that the Vine be shut down.  Pastor David and Robert have a vision of a Sunday night study that is geared toward the young adult crowd, but not necessarily limited to only the young crowd.   They want us to come along for the ride and step up to serve at this new ministry. 

Despite how willing we all were to support Robert in this, I can’t tell you the number of expressions of disappointments from so many of us.  I literally said, “I’m not okay with this!”  lol.    To say The Vine ministry has blessed us is an understatement of epic proportions.  I know what it has done in my life alone.  For some it’s been the place they go to avoid trouble—the bars, the clubs, etc.  For all of us, it’s been a place of growth.  We have built a family there.   We were all completely side-swiped by this news.    We were none too happy. 

But….. Then we settled ourselves down.   Angelina and I left that night talking about everything that was to come.  As we discussed it, God brought our prior conversation to my remembrance.   Wait a minute!  We had sensed that something big was coming for this group.  We had sensed that God was working in us toward the same destination.  This is that destination.  This is a new opportunity.   It’s a new adventure.   God is calling us for more.  He is calling us to step outside of our safety bubble.  He’s shaking things up.  It’s not the end, but a new beginning. 

God does not call us to comfort zones.  He calls us to discomfort zones.  He calls us to keep moving forward, onward, upward toward that higher calling.  He calls us to sacrifice, die to ourselves, be fishers of men.  We have to be ready and willing.   This is all for Him.  It belongs to Him.  It’s His ministry.  It’s His church.   Time to get down to the nitty gritty. 

Lord, use me.  Do what you want with me.  Thank You for shaking things up.  Thank You for this awakening in my heart.  I do want more.  I want change.  I want to bring glory to Your Name and Your Kingdom.   

Mentorship...

I started the journey of returning to a right relationship with the Lord about 7 or so years ago.  During that time God placed women in my life as mentors.  They poured into me, they prayed for me, they told me the truth about things that weren’t right.  God used them to grow and mature me so much and I am so grateful for that.  Those women are still in my life, but not as strongly as before.  I am surrounded by godly ladies now, but I’ve realized that I need one-on-one mentorship still. 

This morning, I listened to a program on Focus on the Family about a couple who have been married 30 years.  Their story really touched a nerve with me.  Although they were believers and wanted to honor God, their relationship started out in a not-so-great way, as they stumbled into pre-marital sex.  They  eventually got married, both with their own expectations of how things should be, and quickly found themselves in trouble…. For the first 10 years of their relationship, there was a lot of sin, hurt, and pain.  I thought to myself, “that is exactly what I’m trying to avoid.”  

Thankfully, we serve a God who restores and redeems.   He did that in this couple’s relationship through mentorship.   First she reached out to some godly ladies, who came alongside her, spoke truth into her life, showed her that she could only change herself and with the help of God, and encouraged her as she did.  God started making big changes in her, but things got so bad still that she asked her husband to leave.  That was the catalyst for him them seeking godly help.  He was mentored by a godly married couple and he changed drastically too.  Through mentorship, God was able to transform them and their marriage.  Now, 20 years later, they have a successful, not-always-easy, but godly relationship. 

This story spoke to me on so many levels, but the biggest message I received is that I NEED MENTORSHIP.  I need a trusted sister or two (or three or four) who will love me enough to look me in the eye and say, “this is what I’m seeing that needs to change, sis.”  I think you forget, as you mature in the Lord, that God is not done working on you.   I really have grown and changed so much (by the grace of God—to HIM be the glory!), but there is still so much to be done.   I think somewhere inside I thought that God would work on the big things that need to change and then work out the little things, but I’m starting to see that He starts with the little things and then when those are worked out, He moves onto the bigger things, and then when those are worked out, He moves onto the whoppers.  Yikes!

The best way for me to get on-board with God working out the huge problems in me is through the loving guidance of a godly woman.   Mentorship has worked in the past, so I know if I submit to God and the counsel of a mentor, it will work again.   Lord, I want to be the best version of me I can be and that is only through you.  Do you work in me, Jesus! But first, point me in the direction of a mentor...

Dear Ex-Boyfriend...

I miss you so much.  I think about you every day and pray God is with you—I know He is.  I know this is hard for both of us and you are the person I was used to talking to when things were hard.  I would call you and let it all out and you would pray for me and see the positive side of it.  I can’t call you now and it sucks.    

Thank you for loving me the way that I am—the good, the bad, and the ugly.  For a while there, I thought only God was capable of that.  You showed me that I don’t have to do anything to make someone love me.  God also used you to show me that I am good at giving love, but I’m not good at receiving it.  I guess that goes back to thinking only God was capable of loving the real me.  Thank you for showing me I was wrong.

I am so worried and scared.  I know I should not be.  I don’t know what the future holds and God has already shown me time and time again that He is faithful and will never leave me or forsake me.  It’s hard to remember that, though, when thoughts of you or I finding someone else pop into my mind.  I can’t count how many people are optimistic that we will come back together eventually and who even declare it confidently.  Part of me is hopeful too, but I’ve been hopeful in the past about other things, and I was WRONG.  The fact is we don’t know all of God’s plans for us.  I want to believe this is only a temporary separation, but I’m scared to hope.  I’m terrified. 

Sometimes I ask God to fix everything right now.  I’m so impatient.  You told me once, “be patient with God.”  I know you were right.  You were so much more insightful and wise than I think you gave yourself credit for.  I can’t wait for the day when the light bulb goes off and you are able to clearly see the gifts God has given you.  The selfish person in me wants to see that happen first-hand and not from a distance, but I guess all that matters is that it happens, whether I’m there or not.  I know God has great plans for both of us.  I just wish I could see the end result sometimes. 

I love you.  I wish I didn’t, but I do. 

I’m asking God to help me now.  I need to move past this and keep loving Him more.   I do love Him more and that’s why what happened to us had to happen.  I know you know that, but sometimes I’m scared you don’t and you hate me and think I wanted out of the relationship.  Maybe that’s the enemy’s way of condemning me for being obedient.  Please know that I did love you and I do love you and I wanted to be with you.  This was God’s choice.  I didn’t want this for us, but I did want God’s will and I know you want His will too.  We need to cling to that. 

I pray that God will grow us—that we will stay focused on Him and let him do the perfecting work in us that He wants to do.  I pray that we continue to seek His will in all things. I pray that one day, no matter the outcome, we look back and give God the glory for the amazing work He did in our lives through all this pain and heartache. 

Good bye for now...

Get over it...

One thing I love and hate about how God made me is that I'm a big-time feeler.  It's good because I am able to feel empathy and sympathy on deep levels.  It's bad because it's hard for me to get past stuff.  I tend to hurt a lot longer than others.

I am having a difficult time getting through this breakup.  It's driving me crazy.  If it were up to me, I would just shut all the feelings off like a light switch, but I don't work that way.  For me it always takes time.

The old me was ok with taking all the time I needed.  A sick part of me relished in the misery of it all, but that is not me anymore.  I hate it.  I HATE IT! 

What's worse is I want to talk about it all the time.  I know it doesn't help.  I know people are probably over it already, but it's hard not to talk about something that is always in your thoughts.  Get out of my thoughts!

I'm sure God doesn't appreciate it either. The only one who should be in my thoughts at all times is Jesus and His Word.  Period.  The whole point of the breakup was to fix our eyes back on Jesus.  I don't know about the Ex, but I sure am battling between Jesus and the situation.  I'm tired of this whole scenario!

I seriously want to punch myself in the face...

Lord, help me.  I got out of the boat like You asked, now help me to fix my gaze on You so I can walk on water.

Mind my business...

We live in a society that values privacy.  I agree with that, to a certain degree.  As a Christian though, I think the more of my business my brothers and sisters know the better for me (within appropriate boundaries, of course).  It's called accountability. 

Before this last relationship, all I knew was dating in the world.  Dating in the world usually means little to no accountability.  We meet total strangers and try to get to know them based mostly on how they present themselves to us.  You may or may not get to meet their friends and family. Hopefully, they are genuine, but most of the time they are initially only putting their best foot forward and you have to take a chance that they are who they say they are.  If there is something sketchy about them, 9 times out of 10 the people they know aren't going to warn you about it for fear of appearing to meddle or be disloyal.

In the church it's a very different and I would say a lot better for everyone involved.  First off, you know you are dealing with people who love Jesus, for the most part (there are always those wolves in sheep's clothing, but they inevitably show their true colors or people warn you to be careful).  If you get involved at church you get to know people and they can usually vouch for your character to the other person and vice versa.  People usually do things in groups, so there's safety in numbers.  Everyone is looking out for you.

Even though it was hard to adjust to having so many people involved in my life, I definitely like and appreciate this system a lot better than the world's system.  It's for my benefit.  It's for everyone's benefit. 

However good the system though, it's flawed because it still involves imperfect human beings.

I recently found out that there were people who were worried about my relationship before we broke up.  They discussed it amongst themselves.  They talked about how we needed help.  Problem is they never talked about it with us.  They never confronted us with it.  They could have helped, or maybe not, but they didn't even try.

I don't necessarily think these people were intentionally gossiping because I believe there was genuine concern for us, but they didn't love us enough to correct us or come alongside us and point us in the right direction.  They did the worldly thing and stayed out of it.  They kind of let us down.

Before you think I'm mad, I'm not. I love my brothers and sisters and I know they love me.  I don't think they realized it would get to the point that it did.  I'm sure they figured we would get through it and grow.  I can't be mad at them because I don't know if I would have intervened either if I was in their shoes.  I fail too.  

So lesson learned I guess.  For them and for me... When you see someone heading in the wrong direction, tell them!  Don't talk to others about it and then stand back and hope the person gets help.  That's like watching a boat head straight for an iceberg and instead of warning the captain, you just stand back and say to the person next to you, "What a shame. Hope they notice before it's too late." 

There is no love in minding our business.  

2 Timothy 4:2

Preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching.

1 Thessalonians 5:14

And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.

Where He takes us...

Years ago, when I first lived In the Pomona valley and got plugged into my church, I would jokingly tell the rest of my family how much I wished they lived out here too. "It's so much better out here," I would say. 

They just laughed at me.   I totally understand why.  Back then it was an impossibility.  My parents were separated.  My sister Kim was married to my brother-in-law Mike and they had their own home in the Santa Clarita area, near his family. Katie just scoffed at the idea--her friends, school, work and life were all out in San Fernando.  It's not something I really thought would happen and it's not something they even wanted for themselves.

Well, God had His own agenda.  He is a God who likes to prove us wrong and knock our socks off doing it.

It all started with Him bringing my parents back together.  Then He gave me my own place out here. Then He took Mike home. Everything changed.

Now here we are.  Kim and her kids are purchasing a home in the area.  Katie is planning to come out next year when she graduates.  By this time next year my silly little dream of our whole family living in this area, together again, will be a reality.

It's crazy.  Never did I think things would turn out this way.  Never did I think my family would experience the things we've experienced.  

God's ways are not our ways and His thoughts really are above our thoughts.  He makes no sense, but man is He awesome.

Walking in Obedience...

One of the hardest things I've done is be in a relationship.  It was not easy.  Two selfish sinners trying to think of the needs of the other, honor God, not stumble each other, etc.  It really brings out who you really are and confronts you with it.

As hard as it was, harder still was walking away from it.  We love each other.  We wanted to be together, but God said no.

I told myself I would never date another "baby Christian."  He was different.  He was growing so quickly and God showed me things in him I had asked for.  I took a leap and let God lead.  Where I went wrong was that when Jesus and I were almost to our destination, I looked ahead at what was approaching and instead of letting Him continue to lead, I ran ahead to get there faster.  We (the Ex and I) both did.

What resulted was us rushing into a relationship before we were both fully equipped.  It was me never quite feeling right or at peace.  It was neither of us growing in our relationship with Christ.  It was him losing his desire to learn and grow in the knowledge of the word.  It was him not fellowshiping with his brothers and having accountability.  It was me becoming his mommy with the "you should be" and "why aren't you" statements and pleading with God to make him into the leader I needed him to be.  It was us arguing and disrespecting.  And then it became us trying to put a bandaid on a broken leg.

Finally, God told me what I needed to hear:  you have taken My place in his heart; get out of the way; mind your business; I need to work on you too.  I knew He was right and I obeyed.  It's killing me, but I'm obeying.  I did what God told me and I walked away.

Some say, "life is short.  If you love each other work it out together."  That's right.  Life IS short and I have wasted too much of mine being disobedient to God and paying harsher consequences than I needed to.  I learned, though.  Nothing in this world is worth disobeying God. Nothing. 

I don't know what the future holds.  He could grow into a mighty man of God and I will hopefully learn to have a better attitude, be more patient and grow into the godly woman God is calling me to be and then the Lord could bring us back together.  Or not.  As much as it hurts and will continue to hurt, I will never regret being obedient to God.  He is faithful.  He will honor my obedience...

If you think of me, say a little prayer for strength. :)