Irritants...

I went to church yesterday on a mission to join some sort of group and get plugged-in as they say. Now anyone who knows me, knows that I'm a chicken and that it's hard for me to put myself out there like that. I took a lot of courage, but at the end of the service, I walked up to the Information booth and asked about joining a small woman's group. Of course, after all that psyching up, I find out that the women's groups are ending and won't be starting up until September. SEPTEMBER?!

I said, "I know this is going to sound funny, but I don't know if I can wait until September. Is there anything else?" She asks me if I'm a new believer. Nope. Then she tells me that there is a class for people re-dedicating their lives to Christ... a Sure Foundation. That's great and all, but I don't want to be a part of a class. I want to be a part of a small group Bible study where we are engaging each other and where I will be more comfortable meeting and getting to know people. I know myself--if I go to a class, I will end up sitting there until it's over and then getting up and going home. I'm not the type to stay after and ask questions and stuff. Therefore, a class is not the ideal setting for me to make connections with other people... unless by some fluke someone approaches me, which almost never happens.

Needless to say, I left a little disappointed. I did grab the information on the class and I will try my best to go... That will be another thing that I will have to psych myself up for...

In other retarded news, I have a doctor's appointment this Wednesday...

[WARNING: If you are the type that doesn't like to read about women's girlie issues, than don't bother reading on.]

A couple of weeks ago, after it had already been a week since my period ended, I was having really bad cramping in my abdomen and then discovered I was spotting. Now this wasn't normal spotting... this was straight up blood. Like I-cut-myself-and-now-I'm-bleeding blood. So, I made an appointment to see the doctor, and then for about a week afterward I continued to have the cramping, but no more spotting.

Now I'm worried. For one because who know what's going on down there... it could be anything from ovarian cysts to straight up cancer. Eek! The other major reason I'm worried is because I don't want to end up being told that they have to do a pelvic exam. Being a virgin, I made the personal choice not to see an Ob-gyn until after I'm married and have done "the deed." People tell me I'm stupid because you never know, but it's my body and I don't want anyone messing around down there until my husband has... plus, literally, no one has messed around there at all yet, so I don't believe that I am at risk for STDs at the very least.

So, when I go I am going to insist that they do everything but a pelvic exam. I know there are other ways of checking me out, but I also know Kaiser. A pelvic exam costs nothing when you compare it to an ultrasound or something like that. Nevertheless, I am going to insist on the most non-invasive procedure possible. I'm bringing my mother with me, and although she doesn't necessarily agree with me not seeing an Ob-gyn until I lose my virginity, I know she'll back me up.

I just hope this is as uncomfortable as possible. Pray for me people. This could be nothing, but then it could be something too...

Other stuff...

Gonna give a little rundown of what's been going on...

Not going to Arizona. The job market is too bad right now and I don't want to risk it. So, for now, it's a no-go. =( We'll see later on in the future. I still have my connections out there and I'm not ruling it out.

Despite the dude at Audi telling me that it would be free-of-charge due to a recall, the catalytic converter on my car is going to cost me about $1600 ($1000 for labor; $550 for the part... RIP OFF!). Needless to say, I'm PISSED. They are such liars and swindlers! I've said it before and I'll say it again: DON'T EVER PURCHASE AN AUDI!!!! (Google "Audi Consumer Complaints" and see what you find.... mountains of complaints against Audi and it's employees. MOUNTAINS.)

Took the test for Senior Admin. Assistant for the City of W. Covina. Got in Band 1, which means I got one of the highest scores (did you doubt me?). The funny thing is that they said they would get a hold of us right away for interviews because they want to fill the position ASAP, yet I haven't heard from them. Starting to get worried.

Have an interview this Saturday with the Department of Mental Health (no, it's not to be committed... lol) for Secretary III. They have an opening in facilities in Pomona, Covina, etc.--all near home, so I'm going for it. What do I got to lose? Plus, I would be saving so much time and gas. It would be a major blessing. I want to get it before this County budget crisis takes it away.

While I sat in church on Easter, aside from figuring out how to get rid of homeboy (see my previous 2 blogs), I also decided that I MUST get more involved. I'm going to go next Sunday and force myself to find out what groups I can join or how I can help out. Wish me luck. I know it seems like a simple thing, but it's so hard for me to put myself out there like that. It will literally probably take prayer.... mine and yours. =)

Having another BBQ for Dad's birthday. Sent out invites yesterday. I'm hoping that at least all the co-workers I invited will come, since they all live close by. I know my dad is excited. He loves to cook and entertain. Last year's BBQ was pretty successful. Hopefully this year's will be even more so. We'll see...

Okay... that's all I can think of or care to divulge for now. Tah-tah...

She's just not all that into you... The Update

So, I bit the bullet and emailed homeboy a couple days ago to tell him it wasn't happening:

Hey. I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed the church and thanks for coming with me. Hopefully it will motivate you to come back or find a church near you that is similar.

Well, I'm just going to cut to the chase. I have been thinking really hard since I left church yesterday and I decided there is no need to keep you hanging or waste your time. I want to be completely honest with you. You are a really nice guy and I am glad that I met you, however, I didn't feel any connection to you, even though I really wanted to because we want similar things. I know we really didn't get to talk and get to know each other very well, but I think you just know when someone is for you and when not and I didn't feel it. (I usually rely on the Lord to let me know and I just wasn't hearing anything from Him either.) I hope you understand. I really have to think about my future and I don't want to waste your or my time.

So, I'm going to have to turn down the offer to grab a bite to eat with you. I am
really sorry and I sincerely wish you all the luck in the world in love and I wish you God's blessings. I'm sorry if I wasted your time, I really am. I also apologize for telling you this through an email, but I'm sure you know how hard it is to tell people this kind of stuff, so I hope you don't hold that against me. AND I meant what I said about Church and I hope this does not turn you away from finding a good church that is right for you. If you want to keep in touch, I am fine with that because you can never have too many brothers and sisters in Christ and a good support system. If not, I understand that too... I completely understand.

Okay. Well, take care of yourself and God bless you.

-Kristina

Wow. It was much easier than I thought it would be. That's not to say that I don't feel horrible, but it was nice to get it out of the way immediately instead of letting it linger before I was finally forced to do it, which then would have been much more painful for both of us.

Of course, I never heard back from him, which is totally understandable. I'm sure it didn't make him happy to read the above.... especially since I'm pretty positive that he was liking me. Poor guy. It just sucks when you like someone, but they don't feel the same way. I know how that feels and I feel for him. I know that sounds funny since I was the rejector, but I am human.

So, I guess it's back to the drawing board. I won't be trying anymore sites though (sorry, mom). I'm going to do it the old-fashioned way from now on. At least you meet people at face value and you don't have to wonder if they really look like they do in their photos or really act the way they portray themselves when you meet them in real life.... If I'm being real and showing you the good, the bad, and the ugly, the least you can do is look like your pictures! lol

She's just not all that into you...

Ugh!

Okay, this is embarrassing, but I signed up a few weeks ago with a Christian dating site (not eHarmony). Sure enough, I got a few hits and one of them caught my attention. So we've been emailing back and forth and he seemed like a cool guy. He wanted to meet up and suggested that he visit my church. So, we made plans to go to church together on Easter (yesterday).

I was excited to get to know this guy because he seems like he wants all the same things I do. From his pictures he looked like a cutie. He said he was 5'9 and "large, but muscular." He was in the Army. I can work with all that. Cool. So, I go ahead and make the plans to meet up and give him my number. He calls me and we talk a little bit.

From the moment I heard his voice, however, something told me that this guy was not on the caliber of guys I usually like. To be quite frank, he sounded like a straight homeboy from East L.A. or something (anyone who knows me, knows I am not into the thuggish guys... at least I haven't been since I was like 14), and he is real adament that we go to a Dodger game next week (we don't even know if we like each other yet, son). Well, I'm a little apprehensive, but I still try to remind myself of the good things about him and keep going back to look at them pictures (lol).

Finally, Easter comes and I am just having this sinking feeling that I'm going to be disappointed. Sure enough, I meet the guy and he is nothing like his pictures. He is about my height (which is NOT 5'9... more like 5'7) and he's really "fluffy"--to put it nicely. Uh-uh. Now I really hate to sound superficial, I really do because I am not perfect myself by any means, but this is nothing like the guy I was expecting. I realized right then and there that what I saw was the Army him, 7 years ago, when he was fit and looking good. On top of that he was wearing a giant T-shirt and a giant pair of jeans... So not cleancut like I like my boys. He was just so not my style at all.

In a way I felt kind of mad like he lied to me. He never said that he didn't look like the guy in the pictures, but still. By posting up those pics of himself when he looked much different then he does now is really deceiving. This is a Christian website.... aren't we supposed to be as honest as possible? (Seriously, I posted pictures of me that were not so hot because I wanted to keep it real.) Again, I know this is coming off very superficial, but I'm not going to front like it isn't important that I am attracted to the guy I want to date and possibly marry someday. This guy is in no way attractive to me and I could not see myself with him. I'm just being real here.

(See, this is why I didn't want to have to turn to one of these sites in the first place! You never really know what you are going to get.... not to mention the loser factor when you have to resort to these sites to find love.)

Now, he's emailing me asking me if I want to go to dinner sometime. I don't know what to say. Obviously the answer is no, but how do I tell him that without coming off as a horrible person. At the same time, I do NOT want to lie or lead this guy on or waste his and my time. I know it's going to suck, but I think I'm just going to have to flat out tell him. I'm such a chicken though, so it may have to be via email. Does that make me an awful person? I know I should probably tell him to his face or at least call, but I just don't have the courage for that. At least I'm being honest now and not waiting until later....

Phooey! Never doing that again!

Poor baby...

Last night I had a strange dream. (What's new?)

I dreamt that Michelle Williams (ex-girlfriend of the late Heath Ledger) had hired me to be her daughter's nanny. Yes, her daughter, Matilda, with Heath Ledger.

Don't ask me why I dreamt this.

In the dream, I'm watching the little girl, Matilda (who just so happens to look just like the real Matilda... it was scary), when all of a sudden she runs down a hallway and I hear her crying, "my daddy... my daddy." I'm confused, so I run down to see what she's looking at and they are showing Heath Ledger on TV. She starts crying because she can't understand why her daddy's on TV, but not with her. I grab her away and try to comfort her and then either think or say (don't know which) that she should not be allowed to watch TV for awhile because it's too confusing.

Again, I have no idea why I dreamt this, but when I woke up from the dream I wanted to cry. It was so horrible. That poor baby. It's such a tragedy that she will never know her daddy. I really have no idea why this affects me so much. It's weird. I have no connection with these people whatsoever, yet I feel for them like I do have a connection to them. I don't know. Maybe I empathize with people just a little too much sometimes...

Is it really do-able?

This whole Arizona thing I mean.

I don't know if I'm just psyching myself out or what, but I'm looking at my finances and I'm thinking that I don't know how feasible it really would be for me to go over there and have to pay rent... even if it's only like $500. I really do have a large amount of debt (thank you Audi!), and I don't know how I can manage to pay it down, pay rent to someone, and still be able to have a little extra money for myself each month (like I'm used to having now) without a job that pays a lot more than what I make now. I can't totally blame my car problems though. I didn't have to buy all those clothes.

Ay ay ay! What have I gotten myself into?

Now I have my heart set on leaving, but I know that if I stay here and continue to not have to pay rent, I would be able to pay my debt down much easier and a lot faster. Plus, I could take the $2500 I have saved up for Arizona already and pay down a chunk with that. Eek! I don't know what to do! I am just not that good of a risk-taker. I know I would be able to survive if I went to Arizona, but it wouldn't be too comfortably... To me that's risky alone. I'm used to a certain lifestyle and freedom with money.

Maybe that's my problem. I need to learn to suck it up. That is the whole point of paying off debt: To learn to live responsibly with your money. I do want to get to a point where I don't owe anyone anything and I am buying practicially everything with my own money! Hmmm.... Maybe doing this will force me to have to make those changes so that I am more fiscally responsible to myself and to God (since at the end of the day, it's His money, not mine).

Okay... I think I just psyched myself back into going to Arizona... A little at least. =)

Adios to the Snake...

Yesterday, I found out that one of the ladies at work who was trying to get me in trouble a while back and who always gives me a hard time, is leaving our section. Woohoo! Getting rid of her will be like cutting the head off of the snake. She is pretty much the ringleader of the group of people who always give not only me, but my boss, a hard time. They are so full of themselves, despite the fact that they are not all that intelligent, have little to know common sense, and are totally unproductive. They make twice the amount of money that I do, yet I have twice the knowledge and common sense that they will ever have at half the age! (lol)

So, yeah. Her leaving gives me a teensy weensy little kernal... speck... of incentive to actually stay in California. Not much though. Things have the potential to keep staying retarded in the section even with her not there. So, we'll see...

Getting out of Dodge...

It's been a while. Oops. I guess--even though I'm not blogging there and it's quite on the down-low--ever since I returned to MySpace, I haven't felt the urge to blog as much. I think I've been a little busy too.

Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that I can no longer stand working for the County or living in California and have made the decision to move to Arizona within the next few months. I have a test for Senior Administrative Assistant with the City of West Covina next Thursday. Depending on how well I do on it and what they offer me, I may or may not stay here much longer. Whatever they offer me, if they do, better be freakin awesome, because I pretty much have my heart set on going to Arizona at this point.

There are actually other reasons I want to go, other than my hate for the County and the State of California:

• I just need a change. I want an adventure.
• I don't seem to be finding the type of men that I want to date here or, actually, who deserve to date me. CA is just too liberal for me and consequently, there is hardly anyone here who is willing to love me enough to "wait until marriage."
• Everyone in my family has their own thing going on and it's time for me to really make a life for myself. I've been saying this, but now I'm actually making an active move towards this.
• I have quite a few different opportunities out there. I know I can find work as a Secretary EASILY. I'm not worried about that. I also want to help my friend, Miguel, who now lives out there, build up his business... an Allstate insurance office. I love and trust Miguel and I don't mind living with him until I can find and afford a place of my own.

So, yeah. For the first time in my life the idea of doing such a bold, adventurous thing is not completely terrifying to me. I know that at the end of the day, whether I am successful over there or whether I have to come home because it's just not working out, I'll be okay. I won't be a failure. I have people to come back to who won't look at me like I'm a failure. I'll be proud of myself...