Last day or last days?

No.  This is not a post about the end times.... lol

So I THOUGHT today was going to be my last day at this department, but it appears I was never actually given an official release date (long story), so it may be pushed back a week. 

*sigh*

On one hand I'm sort of happy because I just didn't feel like it was quite over and didn't even have one goodbye lunch the entire week.  Most people know I don't like all the hoopla and attention, but that doesn't mean I didn't want to have one last lunch date with a few people I've grown to love, so I'm glad I may just get that opportunity afterall. 

On the other hand, I need to get out of here already.  There has been something special in the works, but it cannot get to the next level until I leave that place.  So I'm antsy to get my butt out of there so that this special something can get truly started already. 

Ay ay ay.... life is funny.   Oh well.  I'm just gonna roll with it.  One more week is not going to kill me... in both cases.

P.S.  3 more days and I'm eating pastrami and washing it down with pizza.  I love New York!!

Now I'm found...

Darn you, Jon Acuff.  It's like you know everything about me.  lol.    His latest SCL post hit home for me.  Especially this part:

I don’t care if you’re Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Mormon, Atheist or Agnostic. I think deep down inside, we all want to be found. We all want someone to come looking for us. We want people to be glad when they are with us. As Radiohead once said, “I want you to notice when I’m not around.”


That’s how I was in college. I was really insecure and was dating a girl that didn’t seem that concerned if I was around. So when we went to parties, I would get a little drunk and then hide. By “hide,” I really wish I meant “go outside and sit on a curb forlornly like a singer/songwriter waiting for inspiration.”

Alas, that is not what I meant. I used to go hide in closets. I would stand there in the dark of the closet, awkwardly shoved amidst coasts and shoes waiting for her to look for me. Wanting, more than anything those stupid nights, for her to notice I was missing. For her to come find me. For me to be found.

That was so me and admittedly, on a bad day, it might still be me some times.  The first memory I have of feeling this way and being sorely disappointed was when I was around six years old.  For some reason I became upset with my mom and I told her I was going to run away.  I took off down the street and ended up down at the pool (we lived in a gated community) on a bench.  I sat there and watched the street hoping to see my mom come frantically running down it, worried to death about me. 

She never came. 

I think that hurt more than anything.  My own mom didn't want to find me.   (She later told me that she saw where I ran off to and wasn't worried.  Thanks, Mom.  lol)

When I got older I would pull the same sort of dramatics, but I would take off in my car knowing full well that I had a cell phone so she could call me and "find" me.  There were times she would come out and try to talk to me or stop me or whatever, but in my mind I think I was still holding on to how she never came looking for me that one time.  So to me it was "too little, too late, lady!"

(Man, I'm glad the Lord has changed me because looking back at how I used to behave makes me want to jump into a time machine to go back and beat young, ridiculous self up. lol)

Anyway, reading this post makes me feel a little better about my past feelings... however ridiculous they were.  I guess I wasn't the only one who was looking to be found.  Everyone wants to be found, to be important, relevant, missed.

The great thing, though, is I can now look back and know that I was never alone.   God was with me through the whole thing.  He was waiting for me to get found.... by Him. 

Thank you, Lord.  There is no one like You.

Countdown 1 and Countdown 2

Countdown 1:  3 days

My last day with this department will be in 3 days.  After this Thursday I'm done, son.  SCARY!   In 3 days I have to wrap things up and say adios to people who sometimes knew more about what's going on in my life than my own family members. 

I'm a little nervous.  Change is scary.   I'm a lot excited though, so that's good.  Time to say good bye to the only LA County dept. I've ever known.   Who knows, though... I may be back.   For now, it's on to new horizons

Countdown 2:  6 days

YES!!! In less than one week, my booty will be on a plane to the GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD!   Woop woop!!   It's almost here.

I heart you NYC.   I will see you in no time.

For now, gotta do a mental check of my entire wardrobe.  Gotta make sure all my bases are covered.  You can't wear just ANYTHING to New York City.   It has to be casual, but chic.  Comfortable, but classy.   I also need to make sure I leave room in my luggage to bring stuff back.  Garment district, here I come!  lol.

Oh yay!!! 

=)

Can't wait!

More than enough...

I have had that song "Enough" by Chris Tomlin stuck in my head today.   I just now stopped and thought about what I've been murmuring/singing to myself all day:

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

Why is it so hard for me to actually live these words and mean them?   I want to--I really do.   I try and some days I'm actually successful in feeling totally at peace and satisfied and like God is sufficient.   But a lot of days I do not feel this.  I hate it.  I wish I could just tell God, "I trust you wholly and completely from this day forward because you ARE enough to satisfy my EVERY need," and SHAZAAM, full trust in the Lord... no doubts, no fears, no anxiety.   Complete peace.

But no.  I keep hoping for that earthly relationship.   Keep hoping for that "something" that will make me feel that much better about myself and life.   But for what?  It's only to satisfy what I think other people around me are expecting of me. 

It's stupid.   God is enough.   If I die tomorrow I will have had a full, complete, and fulfilled life solely because I knew Jesus.

Accept it, self.   Believe it.   Be at peace.

But waaaaaaait!

They called for my release date today.  As in my release day to go to my new position.   Normally, that would be just fine, but that means that because I am going to be off the week after next that I only have all of next week to tie up loose ends, pack my things, and say goodbye to these people.  

It's. Not. Enough. Time.    Aaaaaa!

I'm not ready!

Man, this is so bittersweet.   I'm exciting for my new gig, but it's going to hurt so much to say goodbye to many people.  People I have grown to love.  People who I spend most of my week with.  People who have prayed for me, rooted for me, encouraged me, believed in me.  Good people... who far outnumbered the bad.   And one very special person who I hope grows to become a very important part of my life...
*tear*

Well, I guess all I can say is, "here we go!"

12... and very blessed!

Yeah, my stupid fears yesterday are gone today.  God is good at reassuring me and making sure I know everything is okay.  Not that he owes it to me.  In fact, I deserve to sit in my paranoia and stupidity sometimes, but thankfully I don't get what I always deserve.  =)

Thank you, Lord!

I'm back to being excited.  12 days until New York.  Woop woop!

Also, back to being blessed, today I go for my fingerprinting for the new position.  Once that is cleared, they will be calling for my release date and I'm off.  It's very bittersweet.  I'm sad to leave these amazing friends and women of God, who the Lord sent to me so graciously, but I'm happy to start my new adventure....  I should say adventures.  I know that with this new job and movement another life adventure will also be starting.   Hopefully soon I will be able to start sharing more, but for now it remains under wraps.

Thank you, Lord, that I am so very blessed!

13... and unlucky?

13 days until I leave for New York City.   You would think I would be completely stoked today, but I'm not.  Other stuff in my personal life has got me anxious.

I hate it when things seem to be going so well and you are super happy and then all of a sudden the butterflies come.   These aren't the good butterflies though.   They are those butterflies that come when your mind starts wanting to tell you something is wrong... even though you really have no good evidence that something is in fact wrong. 

*sigh*

Blah!

I'm trying to remember the message that God gave me not too long ago about trusting in Him and not leaning on my own understanding.   I don't know all the facts and I don't know that anything is truly wrong.  I have to trust that God's got it under control.

Why is that so much easier to say than to do?

Double blah!

Dear18Me

Through Bryan Alain's site I found Dear18Me.   So good.  If only we could all go back and give our 18-year-old selves some solid advice (or maybe just some slaps in the face... lol).  Unfortunately, would any of us even have listened?  Probably not.  I can tell you I wouldn't.  I think every 18-year-old on the planet has their head stuck in their butt and thinks they know EVERYTHING because they are "an adult now" (hey, in England they can even drink).   Guess what 18-year-olds... you are SO not even close to being adults yet.

There is a lot 30-year-old me would say to my 18-year-old self, but if I could only say one thing it would be this:

Dear 18-year-old Me:

I'm not telling you anything about your future, because everything you are about to go through is completely necessary and I wouldn't want to change any of it.   Some of it's gonna be pretty cool, but most of it is going to be ROUGH... really rough... but you are going to get through it because even when you don't feel like it's the truth and you feel like you are going through this thing called life completely alone, God is with you and you are stronger with him than without him.  It's gonna be okay.  Hang in there...

Exciting times....

Wow.  In a little less than 3 weeks I will be in New York City... 19 days and counting.   My excitement level is building.  I. Can't. Wait.  =D

The thing I am now most looking forward to--aside from pigging out--is visiting the 9/11 memorial.  We have our reservations already and everything.  (Yes, you have to make reservations.)  I just feel so honored to be able to visit the memorial right after it has opened.  It's something I will be able to tell my children about. 

On the job front, I'm excited to share that I got a call from my future boss yesterday.  She informed me that the CEO has approved my promotion.  The paperwork is now at my new department's HR for final approval processing, which should be complete by the end of this week.  Then I get fingerprinted and when that comes back they call my current boss for a release date.  All this should occur within the next 3 weeks or so.   I think I'll end up starting the new job just as I'm returning from NYC.   I'm sure it will work out just fine. 

I'm super excited to start this new chapter in my life.  In my nearly 7 years with the County, I've only ever worked at one department.  It will be interesting to learn how other departments do things.  I'm sure I'll have my bumps along the way as the new kid, just like I did at my current department, but I have faith that God has me, so I'm more excited than anything to jump into something new and to meet new people.

Exciting times.  Exciting times.

P.S.  Finally going to lunch with someone very special today.  =)

A good wife...

An excellant wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is as rotteness in his bones.  Proverbs 12:4

He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord.  Proverbs 18:22

An excellant wife, who can find?  For her worth is far above jewels.  The heart of her husband trust in her, and he will have no lack of gain.  She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.  Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.  Proverbs 31: 10-12, 30

So apparently, a man is considered blessed when he finds a good wife.  =)  I want my husband to be blessed and therefore I want to be a good wife. 

In this world where everyone's favorite tune is "me me meeeeee," we've lost sight of what makes relationships work:  putting the other person's needs before our own.  Part of doing that is finding out what we can do to be a better partner to our spouses.  The answers are in the Word.

Looking at the above verses specificially, I hope and pray that I can someday (hopefully soon), be the kind of "excellant" wife described above.  Based off of the above I gather that an excellant wife:

• Brings no shame to her husband.  She's moral and upstanding, with a good reputation
• Is trustworthy and discreet.
• Thinks about her husband's best interest first.  She respects and honors him. 
• Fears and loves the Lord. 

I don't think those things are too much to ask of a wife--not at all--because you know, I would hope he would do the same also.


Lord in Heaven, while I wait patiently for my husband, please help me to be more like the "excellant" wife of your Word.  I definitely want to be a blessing to my husband and not a curse.  Thank you, Lord, for always preparing me for the blessings I know you have in store for me.  Amen.

Let's try this again...

Yesterday I went down to the Kia dealership with my beat-up, old Camry and came home with a brand new Forte.  Yay!  I'm so excited.  My first brand new car! 

Six years ago, I went to the Nissan dealership trying to find myself a brand new Maxima.  I went home with a used Audi that I really couldn't afford and wasn't even sure I wanted, and boy did it end up costing me.  I learned big lessons about when and how to spend the money that God has been so kind to let me have. 

This time I came into the car-buying experience a lot more humbly.  =)  (If someone would have told me I'd ever buy a Kia I would have laughed in their face.  Then I would have stopped for a second, and then started laughing again.  lol.

This time around, I am elated.  No feelings of regret.  No feelings of uncertainty. 

Thank you, Lord, for my new car.  I promise to take very good care of it.  =)

P.S.  God bless the families who lost loved ones on 9/11.  Yesterday might have been a happy day for me, but I will never forget, nor will I stop mourning, the loss we experienced that horrible day 10 years ago.  I can't wait to visit the memorial in 3 weeks so that I can pay my respects.  I feel so blessed to be able to do so.

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Harvest

I'm at the first ever Harvest Crusade Los Angeles at Dodger Stadium.  The Spirit is moving.  AMEN!!

No quiero...

I don't want to...

... stay in this house much longer.  I hate to sound like I'm complaining, but.... I'm tired of doing 100 dishes daily that I didn't even dirty.  I'm tired of no air conditioning or heat.  I'm tired of someone using my makeup, shampoo, body spray, lotions, feminine products, etc.  What is no bueno is that I don't know how much longer the house-hunting thing is going to take.  Maybe until I do find something decent, I should start looking at apartments again.  I just need my own space.  *sigh*

... worry any more.   I know I worry too much and it's SINFUL.  Literally.  It shows a lack of full faith in the Lord.  I wish I didn't worry so much.  I wish "casting all my cares" on the Lord was as easy as taking the garbage out, dumping it, and walking away.  It's not. 

... be alone anymore.  Not even just romantically, but physically.  I'm ready for a partner with whom I can spend my free time and enjoy life.  The fact is, the older you get, the less people you find who are alone.  Everyone is paired up and they don't have time for those who aren't.  Me, myself, and I isn't cutting it anymore.

... wait, but I have to.  If I push things or try to make things happen myself, they will just get fouled up.  It happens EVERY time.   I have to leave things in God's hands and trust that he's working it out and knows things I don't know.  He can see the whole picture.

... feel sorry for myself, despite all of the above.  This life is not a waste, but it can feel like I'm wasting it sometimes. 

I gotta get myself out there.  Lord, put opportunities to serve you in front of me.  Help me to be grateful for the blessings I have.  Send me where you need me.  Do with me what you will...

UPDATE:

How convenient that this is today's scripture:

Psalm 143:10 - “Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.”

Our evil. God's glory.

"You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good." Genesis 50:20

Sometimes horrible things happen that seem to be pointless, but God takes these things and uses them for his glory.  In the 1950s, five missionaries went into the territory of one of the most deadly tribes of the Amazon, even though it was likely they would lose their lives, because they loved these people enough to share God's love with them.  They did die at the hands of these murderous people, but what God did with their deaths was amazing and unbelievable... almost impossible. 

Good thing with God, NOTHING is impossible...

Warning:  Prepare to bawls your eyes out on this one and the goodness of God.   =)

34

Pounds!

Yeah, as of today, I've lost 34 lbs.  I don't even know how to process that.  6 more and I'm down 40 lbs. 

Honestly, I don't think I really ever could have believed I would be capable of such a feat, but I'll take it!

Excuse me while I go do a little happy dance...

Don't Worry!

Lord, you always know what I need to hear the most!

Today's devotional from Word for You Today was exactly... I mean EXACTLY.... what I needed:

Don’t Worry About It

“Casting all your care upon Him, for he cares for you.” 1Pe 5:7 NKJV

Jesus said, “Do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For [non-believers] run after all these things” (Mt 6:31-32 NIV). One author writes: “The other day I was worrying about something when I heard a minister say, ‘Worry is a lack of trust in God.’ So then I began to worry over the fact that I was worrying. Then someone else said, ‘Just don’t worry about it.’ Sounds simple enough, but I come from a line of people who speak faith, but act out of fear. Then a friend came up with this novel idea: ‘Why don’t you try this worry coupon. It entitles you to worry as much as you like, but only if: (a) it will feed and clothe you; (b) it will add to your life instead of taking from it; (c) it will make tomorrow better; (d) you don’t mind acting like a non-believer!’ Then he said, ‘If that doesn’t work make a list of all the things you’re worrying about, place it in a box and put it up on a shelf where you can’t see it. If God is either unwilling or unable to take care of it, you can always go get the box and start worrying again—but at least give Him a chance. And while you are waiting for Him to answer, pray, stand on His Word and don’t give your worries a voice.’” The Amplified Bible says: “Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you.”

Hold me, Thrill me, Kiss me

There is nothing like the oldies when it comes to love songs....  =) 

*sigh*

Hold me, Thrill me, Kiss me
Mel Carter

Hold me, hold me
Never let me go until you've told me, told me
What I want to know and then just hold me, hold me
Make me tell you I'm in love with you

Thrill me (thrill me), thrill me (thrill me)
Walk me down the lane where shadows will be (will be) will be (will be)
Hiding lovers just the same as we'll be, we'll be
When you make me tell you I love you

They told me "Be sensible with your new love"
"Don't be fooled, thinking this is the last you'll find"
But they never stood in the dark with you, love
When you take me in your arms and drive me slowly out of my mind

Kiss me (kiss me), kiss me (kiss me)
And when you do, I'll know that you will miss me (miss me), miss me (miss me)
If we ever say "Adieu", so kiss me, kiss me
Make me tell you I'm in love with you