Insensitivity where you need it the least...

Man have I been going through a rough time. Who do I tend to turn to when life is not on my side? My sisters. Especially Katie. She may be the youngest, but she sure has a lot of insight about a lot of things and seems to be the most level-headed of us all, which makes her one of the best people to get advice from and to tell you the truth when you needed the most. She has done this for me a lot.

But there is another side to the coin...

I've had a lot of crying and venting to do in the last 2 weeks. Katie has been there for me and given me a lot of good advice. The problem is that days later she will literally make fun of how I was crying about this or how I was venting about that. Not only is it hurtful to me, but it's also embarassing and discouraging.

I so desperately want to show the world that I'm not the same person I used to be--a person who was overly sensitive, emotionally damaged, and prone to self-pity and depression. I have improved and grown so much (by the grace and love of God), but that doesn't mean that when I'm going through a rough patch that I'm not going to be emotional and sad. I am still a human being.

I feel like I'm getting nowhere, however, when I go to my sister for advice, comfort, venting, etc., and she turns around and mocks me in public and makes me seem like the insanely, overdramatic person that I used to be. That is not helping me to show the world that I've changed.

It is so hurtful and frustrating for me. It makes me feel like I don't really want to share these things with my sister anymore, even if it means losing that great insight and advice. It's not worth feeling embarrased and like crap when a couple of days (or even hours) later she is making fun of my emotions to the first person she sees or a group of people. =(

I guess in the end I already know the solution: Turn to the Lord. He will NEVER mock me or make me feel like I'm overreacting or being too emotional. He doesn't role His eyes as if to say, "here we go again." He just holds me in His arms and reminds me that He's there for me. He won't share my "business" with the world and make me look like a fool... Even if I was crying way more than I maybe needed to at the end of Marley & Me....

Kablooie! Part 2

Okay, so back to the story. (Sorry, I'm at work and I had to go to lunch.)

So, like I said, a calmness came over me and I was okay. In fact, I felt a sense of relief. No, it wasn't the reaction I wanted from him, but at least I didn't have to sit there and rack my brain worrying about whether he really liked me or not. It was an answer. So, that same night, despite the fact that I'm still pretty sick, I go to Bible study so that I can talk to Diana about it... plus, I need the Lord big time at that moment. I'm thinking she knows since they work together. Nope--she's downright shocked when I break the news to her.

CONFUSING!

She tells me that she can't believe it because he was so excited about going hiking and he really likes me and yada yada yada. She tells me that he had come up to her at work wanting to talk to her about something, but she was taking a call and told him she would go find him later. We both come to the conclusion that he probably wanted to talk to her about what was going on between him and me.

Of course, after a while I start crying. I tell her that I'm not crying because he wants to be friends--I'm crying because he just didn't give me the chance to show him that I could open up and relate to him. He just gave up on me. Plus, I couldn't understand why me being worried about him would set him off like that. We were both pretty darn confused. She started getting into how he would light up talking about me and how he had prayed for a girl like me. The only issue he had was that I wasn't opening up enough, but, again, he didn't give me the chance to remedy that. We both also came to the conclusion that maybe for some crazy reason he thought that I was rejecting him, so to protect his own heart he just started shutting me out before I could do it to him.... ?????

I finally just told her that I was over it and basically said that I want to move on, but she kept essentially asking me to hold on to hope. She wanted to talk to him first. I didn't have the heart to tell her that part of me really doesn't want to hold onto hope because all it does is play with my emotion and my heart and I don't know how much more I can take. The other part of me does want to hope that at least he'll let me be his friend and then be able to see the real me and fall in love with that. I'm not holding my breath though.

As of Sunday, she still had not spoken to him, and as of today I still have not heard from her. In one way I can't want to hear what she has to say about their conversation, but in another I am terrified that the news is gonna just get worse (he doesn't even want to be friends; there's some other chick; etc...). I can't take this crap!

I hate dating!!!!!!!!!

Lord, I know you have a plan for my life and that if Henry isn't the one it's because someone 10 times better is about to come along, but this still sucks! And so close to Valentine's Day!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!

Kablooie!

This has been one of the worst couple of weeks ever.

I woke up last Monday with a chest that felt like it was on fire. Went to work. Started coughing. Went home. Took a nap. Woke up worse. Ended up being out the entire week with what I think was walking pneumonia, but which was diagnosed as an upper respiratory infection. Yay. I still have a cough, but thankfully it's not nearly as bad. Some days I was waking up feeling like someone jump kicked me in the chest. lol.

Then I got a little gem half-way through the week.

I hadn't heard from Henry at all since he cancelled on hiking. I was planning to let it go and let him contact me if he was still interested, but then (like the impatient genius that I am) decided that maybe he might think I was mad at him and was waiting for me to contact him. So I sent him a text message basically asking him if he was still alive. He doesn't answe me back to the following day. By that time I was a little miffed that he keeps not answering me back and because my emotions are getting toyed with, however unintentionally. My sister advises me to be honest with him, so in reply to his asking how I've been I tell him that I honestly had been worried about him since I didn't hear from him for a few days. Then I threw in a little joke about not wanting to take it personally...

Well, apparently, he didn't think that was funny. I get a reply from him that is so short and dismissive. It said something like, "Well I've been busy with my family, but I'm doing great. Nice talking to you. Take care."

I literally started tearing up on that one, but had to pull it together. Then I sent him something like this, "Hey, it's okay. I know you've been busy with your family. I was just worried. Sorry. You know, I really like you, but I feel like maybe you don't feel the same way or somewhere along the line you stopped feeling that way. I told you already that I'm okay with just being friends. You can be honest with me."

What was his reply? "I appreciate your honestly. I c u as a friend. We can still be friends and keep in touch."

WOW! I couldn't even stop the waterworks at that point, but thankfully they only last a few minutes before the Lord put a calm and peace over my heart about it. Okay. I was fine with him just wanting to be friends, but I wasn't fine with the idea that I he just never gave me a chance to show him that I could be what he wanted. Plus, wow, what a way to let me know, man. It was just confusing because he had been telling Diana about how "great" he supposedly thought I was only a few days earlier. How could me being worried about you not contacting me make you snap like that and decide that you don't want anything to do with me romantically. I was and am still floored....

TO BE CONTINUED...

Happy New Year?

Goodness, it's been awhile since I blogged.

Since the last time I did, Obama was voted in as our next president. Yay. (I'm totally rolling my eyes right now.) There was no big surprise there. In fact, he practically won in a landslide. All I can say is this country is full of blind, following, fools.

Also, since last I blogged, I was introduced to a guy by one of the ladies in my Bible study, Diana. His name is Henry and he turned out to be pretty much everything I've ever asked for: tall, handsome, Mexican, and best of all a believer. Things were going great. We were hanging out every weekend, I went to his church, and freakishly he actually liked me too. What's the problem then? Wish I knew.

Things were going extremely slow... he didn't even hold my hand. I knew he liked me though because guys don't text you practically everyday and want to hang out all the time if they are not interested. So things were going good--slow, but good. But then I started worrying a little when I thought he would invite me to spend New Year's eve with him, but he didn't. That really surprised me and made me doubt myself. I asked Diana to pray for us because I was unsure. Turns out he was unsure too. I wasn't "opening up enough." I'm shy, man! lol I admitted that I was holding back a little because honestly, I've never been past 2 dates with a person that I didn't know. I was in uncharted territory.

So, I decided I would do the work and be myself more. We made plans, and at the last minute he cancelled. We made plans again and at the last minute he cancelled again. Now I haven't heard from him in almost a week. He's never flaked on me or not communicated with me before. Everyone, including Diana, is telling me to hang in there and not give up on him, but I just get the sense that this isn't going to happen, which really sucks because I truly like this guy. I know guys can act weird and don't think the way females do, but I can't help feeling like he just gave up on me. I have no control over that, but it still sucks.

For now I'm trying to put my trust in the Lord, who has created a perfect work in me and will finish it. My consolation right now is that I know that the Lord knows the desires of my heart (in this case to be married and have children) and He wants to give me them. I just need to trust in Him and His perfect timing. Whether Henry is included in that or not, I really don't know yet, but I do know that the Lord has someone for me... I just need to be patient. For now, I have been motivated to get involved more at church and maybe the man God has for me will come out of the woodwork...