On the cusp of a New Year...

"Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man." Benjamin Franklin

I'm not a New Year's Resolution-making type of person. Never have been. Let's be real, no one really keeps them. Well, most don't. My sister once made a resolution not to drink the whole year (back when we weren't exactly walking with the Lord) and she kept it. I was pretty proud of her for it... I think those times were the beginnings of us starting to little by little hear the Lord's calling for us to come back to Him.

Anyway, this year, I have changed things up a little and made a resolution for myself: Put God first, then others, then myself.

I was doing okay this year with my relationship with the Lord and being positive--I was really growing. Then, all of a sudden, I fell right back into self-pity, lack of trust in the Lord, loss of joy, etc. Not cool. All of that has it's roots in SELFISHNESS. I know this. Hence, my resolution.

So, Lord, help me to remember You above all things and then to put others before myself... not for show, not for praise, but because it's right and good in Your sight. Help me to re-discover my need and want for YOUR will and not my own. Light a bright, burning flame in my heart for You and Your ways. May this new year be filled with hope, joy, and blessings that come from a deeper relationship with You. In Jesus' mighty name, Amen!

Why don't you grow a pair, Mr. President?

Say what you will about our last President (I for one had a lot to say about the man at times), he definitely did a better job at keeping us safe and calling a Terrorist a Terrorist.

On Christmas, a man tried to blow up a plane that was about to land in Detroit--as in OUR SOIL. He tried to commit a terrorist attack on us, but failed only because his equipment malfunctioned.

When are our President and all his loving followers going to get it through their thick skulls that no matter how much you bend over and kiss the butts of our enemies they are going to STILL continue to hate us. We are the Devil to them. We deserve to die simply because we have different beliefs, are richer than them, etc. Basically, for no good reason.

Cal Thomas says it best in his article today:

This latest incident [the Christmas Day attempt] and the killings at Fort Hood, Texas, by a Muslim Army officer ought to be a verdict on the Obama administration's strategy of apologizing for America and reaching out to Muslim nations. None of it has mollified terrorist states or terrorists operating within those states, or for that matter potential terrorists operating within the U.S.

Administration officials have acknowledged the strong likelihood of terrorist cells in the United States. The question should not be how to make terrorists like us, but how to find them, eliminate them and, most important of all, keep them from entering the country in the first place.

The Obama administration, like the Clinton administration, continues to view terrorists as criminals who ought to be subject to the American judicial system. In fact, they are soldiers in a war unlike any this country has ever faced. Until we start treating these people as soldiers and not criminals, there will be more incidents like this, as there have been previous ones. Without a serious approach to domestic terrorism, the next attempted attack on an airliner might succeed, as did the ones during another less serious time which gave us 9-11.

Get it together, Obama. You can cater to these people all you want, but when you open the door to them and they come rushing in, they aren't going to give you a hug and say Thanks... they are going to pull out a saber and cut your head off with it.

Baby K's never gonna live this down...

I forgot to mention, in my Christmas Wrap-up post, something funny that happened while the kids were opening presents Christmas morning. Kaylin was going at it and got to a present that had a card. She lifted it up and we were like, "What does it say, Kaylin?"

She lifts up the card and proudly yells, "Happy Chappy Birthday!"

We all immediately burst into laughter. It was hilarious. Baby K of course stopped and looked at us like, "How dare you laugh at me."

We all started to cheer and repeat what she said. It was hysterical. She's so never gonna live that one down.

Happy Chappy Birthday, Jesus! =)

Christmas Wrap-up (pun intended)

LOL. I make myself laugh.

Anyway..... MERRY (belated) Christmas!

It was very nice this year (after all that whining and crying about stuff, right?). I really enjoyed the time spent with family.

Christmas Eve was spent with Kim's in-laws. That was nice, but I left a little early because I was beat. I just wanted to hit the hay.

Christmas morning was amazing. We met up at Sandy's this year and her future in-laws and her blood sister, Vicki, were there. Dad and I made breakfast and Juan's mom made pozole. Everyone pigged out. We even had mimosas (sorry, Jesus. lol). The kids opened their presents first. Then Katie read from the Word, we all prayed together, and then we opened our Secret Santa gifts. Everyone seemed to be pleased with what they got.

I was very happy with what I got because it was all stuff I asked for:

-Sarah Palin's book Going Rogue. Yes!!! She really is one of my heroes. We are very much alike--we both believe in standing up for what you believe, no matter how much people might hate you for it. Ahem... media. lol

-A large-barrel curling iron. Yeeeeesssss! I have been wanting one so badly so that I can flip my hair out and so that I can be lazy on those days were I don't feel like blow-drying my hair. I'm a woman and I like my hair to be pretty... what can I say...

-An iPod adapter for the car stereo. The car's older (2001) and doesn't have MP3 player capabilities, so I needed a cassette tape adapter so I can finally hear my music in the car when I want to. Yay!

In addition to what my Secret Santa got me, my mom gave me a Victoria Secret body spray, lotion, and body wash combo that someone gave her and didn't want. Thanks! She also gave me a $75 Nordstrom's gift card that someone gave her that she knows she's not going to use. I'm going to use it to buy a purse and to surprise her with a little something, since it WAS supposed to go to her anyway. She deserves something special also.

Back to Christmas day: After Sandy's, I spent the remainder of the day with Mandy and the family. I gave her her gift (a mug I had made with all the pictures of her kids and grandkids on it), which made her cry. Victory! lol. Then we ate Christmas dinner and went to see the Chipmunks: The Squeaquel. It wasn't the greatest, but Baby loved it, so that's all that matters.

So yeah, like I said, Christmas was amazing this year. It really ended up being a very joyful occasion.

Thank you, Lord. Help me to remember Your most special gift the whole year round! It's all about YOU, Jesus.

Just an itty bitty reminder about Christmas...

Come to Bethlehem and see
Him whose birth the angels sing;
Come, adore on bended knee
Christ, the Lord,
The new-born King.

Gloria in excelsis Deo,
Gloria in excelsis Deo.

With all my whining and complaining, I have hardly stopped to remember what this time is about: JESUS! Not me. Not my problems.

It’s about a loving and just God, who made a way for us to be saved. He left the most amazing place ever to exist, where He was surrounded by glory and being worshiped, and became a lowly man who would give His life so that we wouldn’t lose ours. He walked this earth and felt the pains that we’ve felt, including loneliness, hurt, and rejection. He knew what He was in for and did it anyway He was born and voluntarily died because He loves us beyond description and words. All He wants in return is our full dedication to Him, which is not too much to ask.

Christmas is about CHRIST! Bottom line. Period.

Thank you, Lord… for what You did, for loving us, for Your forgiveness and patience with me. You are all that matters. Amen!

Gloria in exelsis Deo – Glory to God in the Highest

My new Holiday tradition: Christmas Pretzels

This year, since I'm broke with a capital "B," I decided to make a yummy treat as a gift for my co-workers--thoughtful AND cheap. lol. I immediately thought of chocolate-covered pretzels. They are great because they are both sweet and salty in one scrumptious little package.

Well, I hit up Michael's and got almost everything I needed: Melting chocolates (in Blue [for my Jewish boss], White, and Red), wax paper, and Christmas sprinkles. The pretzels I got at Big Lots of all places. I was able to find a large 36 oz. container of pretzel sticks for 5 bucks. With all those supplies I made around 60+ pretzels. Not bad at all. All for around $30. NOT BAD AT ALL!

Well, everyone enjoyed them.... A LOT. So much so that I was getting requests for more. So last weekend, I got all the fixins (including regular-style pretzels--see picture) and made another batch for my co-workers and for my mom's family, since we were having my Mom's family's Christmas dinner. Again, they were a hit.

I have a feeling these will end up being my yearly gift. Fine with me. I got way more for my money with this gift. Plus, I have a feeling I'll be getting requests. =)

Trying to see hope through Christmas blues...

Just read this Boundless article by Suzanne. She's my favorite Boundless writer. Although she was just married recently, she has gone through practically the same exact struggles with singleness and trusting in God that I have. She is the proof that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Anyway, she writes about lonliness in Christmas:

It's so much worse being single at Christmas. For the past decade I've wistfully listened to the Mariah Carey song "All I Want For Christmas is You," longing for someone to want. At times I've even manufactured someone, just to dull the nagging impression that no one wants me.

When we're bereft of romantic possibilities, we believe things like that — that nobody wants us. And it's easy to take it a step farther to nobody ever will. Sure, I would never have said that out loud or even believed it on a conscious level. But when you're lonely, there's something sinister underneath that whispers, "Nobody wants you. You are not the kind to be desired."

Though friends and moms and friends' moms assure you that you are "a catch," the proof is in the Christmas pudding, as they say, and you wonder why — if it's true that you're so loveable — no viable suitors seem to have gotten the memo.

SERIOUSLY! I couldn't have put it better myself. You can't help but feel like you must be so undesireable simply for the seemingly obvious fact that you can't seem to find someone. It's hard not to feel like it's never going to happen:

You can convince yourself for short, sparkly moments that you are indeed fabulous and confidence is bolstered. Dress-up Christmas parties and holiday events provide those hope-moments of meeting someone Hollywood-style. But when nothing ultimately materializes you crash down to reality: "So it's really true. I knew it. I'm alone."

But alas, she gets to a fact that only puts a wrench in your pity party, and which forces you to stop thinking about YOURSELF:

The thing is, that ugly feeling that I am unwanted and unloved couldn't be farther from the truth. Christmas is a reminder of that. God loved me so incredibly that He became a man so that He could experience what it's like to be human. He experienced rejection and loneliness. And ultimately, He gave His life so that I could have a relationship with Him. He chose me to be his daughter, so I never have to be alone.

*sigh*

Like Suzanne says, though, "having faith for what you cannot see feels unbearable at times." I guess it's up to me to choose not to let it get me down. There is a reason to hope and have faith. Suzanne herself ended up being given the gift she wanted so badly soon thereafter, so I know there is hope for me:

As I snuggled up on the couch with a blanket and watched my nephews tear into their gifts, I had no idea that my future husband was experiencing his own melancholy Christmas back in Colorado. That we would meet for coffee three short weeks later.

Though my attempts at holiday happiness had been futile, God knew what I needed. Though I was weary of spending Christmases alone, God knew that it was the last one. And though I glimpsed the promise dimly, He was already fulfilling it.

Lord, please don't give up on me and help me not to give up on You.

I wonder how many married people read my blog...

... and say to themselves, "Thank GOD, I'm not single anymore!" LOL

Just a thought.... I would if I were you....

Bah Humbug!

I can’t wait until Christmas is over. I’m way too stressed and I’ve been eating way too much crap (thanks a lot co-workers and your “Eight Days of Treats)! I wouldn’t be surprised if I have put back on 5 lbs. Gah!

I also, despite all my efforts to the contrary, cannot stop feeling like a lonely loser. I hate it. Christmas is not for 28-year-old, single chicks. It’s for kids and families and husbands and wives and girlfriends and boyfriends. Get the picture? Just like Valentine’s, I can’t help but feel like all the hype is designed to make the single person feel like crap. It should be about Jesus, just like Valentine’s should be about love for all, not just romantic love. Gah!

On top of that stupid crap, I am also stressed about money. I did VERY well with my shopping, but I still dropped almost $300, which is A LOT of money for me right now. That could have paid off the rest of a credit card. I think next year I’m just going to say, “Sorry, everyone. The only ones who are getting gifts from me are the kids.” But even that costs me a fortune because I have to renew my goddaughter’s Disneyland Season Pass every Christmas. I may have to stop doing that too. I love Baby and I want her to be able to do Disneyland regularly, but I also would like to get married WITHOUT debt.

I’m just not doing well right now and the sooner this is all over the better.

At least I have one thing to look forward to: Moving back to my Mom’s after the New Year. With that comes a new routine, decorating (cause that house needs it and with my Mom out I’ll have control… muahaha!), and getting involved at my new church, which will hopefully lead to meeting new people of the male persuasion.

The bad thing I have to look forward to after this is all over: losing the weight that I am sure to gain after all these stinking "holiday treats" I’ve been eating… Gah!

Loud and Clear

So the Lord is now pounding it into my head that I need to "be still and know that [He] is God." Everywhere I turn there are articles and stories on being content and making use of my singleness to serve the Lord. This article, In the Meantime: What to Do While Waiting on God, was Today's Boundless featured article and was particularly personal and timely. Here is an excerpt:

"No one knows how long their Meantime will last. Could be a few months, or a lifetime. But one thing's always certain: If our priority is finding another person, we'll never be satisfied [emphasis mine]..."

Yeah, that was so for me. I needed to read this. I needed to be reminded that nothing--including marriage or even God's promises--should be coming before my relationship with God. He needs to be #1 because at the end of the day He is the only one who can fulfill me. If He's not #1 when I do finally "find" my husband, things are going to go terribly awry. Why? Because I will learn the hard way that my husband can't fill the hole in my heart the way the Lord does. That's a recipe for trouble, in life and in my marriage.

Lord, help me to seek after You. Take away this desire for marriage, Lord, because it's getting in the way of You and me. =(

You know you need to stop complaining when...

... some guy who isn't even walking with the Lord is telling you to trust in His plan for you and quoting scripture like, "Be still and know that I am God." (Psalms 46:10) Yikes!

Okay okay.... I get it....

And yes, that was Internet guy putting me in my place. He's a good guy and I'm glad to have him as a friend. I appreciated his forthrightness and his admonishment. You know someone is your friend when they tell you what you need to hear, even when you don't want to hear it... ESPECIALLY when it's godly counsel.

Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. Proverbs 27:6

Just got a little better...

HAHAHA... okay this is funny: http://yourstatusisannoying.com/

The sad part is that I wouldn't be surprised if one of my status updates on FB ended up on this site. I'm such a loser. LOL!

Yes, I'm angry...

I admit it. Right now I am a little miffed with God. I’m trying my best not to be, but I am. I’m going to be extremely honest right now: I feel like He’s letting me down.

I know that sounds horrible. I know it’s stupid, but it’s how I FEEL right now, whether it’s the truth or not. In reality, I know that God is not letting me down. He’s after my best interest and whatever will bring glory to His name, but that doesn’t change my FEELINGS right now.

God doesn’t owe me anything. I owe Him. I know this. BUT He also said, “Ask and it shall be given to you.” He also put certain desires in us. Right now I feel like I’ve asked and asked and asked for the one thing that He gave me the desire for: Marriage. Yet over and over and over I am denied it.

I just wish for one day I could know exactly what His plan is for me so that I can accept it and move on with my life. If I’m to be single forever, let me know now so that I can move on and focus my attention and desire somewhere else.

Okay okay, I know I just answered my own question. My desire and focus should be on Him. Yes, but why then does He give me this immense desire for family?

I’m just confused and tired of worrying about it. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of being alone. I’M TIRED OF BEING ALONE!

The holidays are here. New Years is next. Then my oh-so-favorite holiday (yes, that’s sarcasm), Valentine’s day. All times where people hate to be alone the most, including me.

I repeat: I’M TIRED OF BEING ALONE!

Anyway, I feel so down about all this crap and kind of unremorseful for being upset with God. So I did a Yahoo Search of “angry towards God.” What I got was an interesting piece on how anger with God actually shows that we have a relationship with Him:

“…anger implies a perceived relationship, regardless of real or imaginary. Therefore, it is crucial to recognize that when a person becomes angry with another it confirms that there is a perceived relationship. Generally, we are angered most by the actions of those who are close to us. We are not as angered when someone along the freeway or the street makes an obscene gesture at us. But if our loved one does not use what we consider the ‘proper’ tone of voice when asking for a cup of coffee, then we are hurt for hours or perhaps even days. Thus, the closer we perceive a person to be to us, the more we sense anger when that person does something which we consider
inappropriate.”

[…]

“No matter how directly or indirectly we blame God for our troubles, suddenly we are awakened with an unpleasant reality: The attributes, responsibilities and expectations that we set upon God are not fulfilled! As a result, we become angry with God!!! This moment can be a moment of greater understanding and intimacy with God, or it can be a moment of further distancing between God and us. The choice is often ours. However, regardless of the outcome, it confirms that we have a relationship with God, even though we may not have articulated and expressed it clearly in the past. This is an exciting moment for the person seeking a deeper and more fulfilling understanding of life through spirituality, that is, our relationship
with God.”

I do believe God is there and has control over my life. I guess I just need to let go and get over myself, but it’s hard. It’s hard not to feel like, “when am I gonna get mine?” I suppose if I was really going to get mine, I would be getting a fast trip to hell, because that’s what I really deserve. *sigh*

I’m sorry, Lord. Help me out here. I don’t want to be angry with You, but please bear with me while I am… It will go away soon enough…

WHY?!?!

Why does everything have to always become so uncertain in my life? It's like I'm not even allowed to get excited about anything or make any kinds of plans. I know the Bible says that we shouldn't say, "tomorrow I'll be doing such and such," because we don't know if we'll have tomorrow. I get the concept, but it's like I'm not even allowed to look forward to anything.

The minute I get excited about something or someone, the rug gets pulled right out from under me. It's beyond frustrating! Everytime something potentially special comes along, I can't even dare excited an ounce because then this crap happens.

This weekend I was supposed to see Francisco. The whole week leading up to yesterday I was happy and feeling good. Finally! Finally, I was going to have my chance to get to know a great guy that for all intents and purposes would be great for me: godly, kind, responsible, handsome, etc.

Then I woke up yesterday morning with a bad feeling. Out of no where I got the sense that I may not see him afterall. I said, "Lord, if I don't end up seeing him tonight, is that Your way of telling me this is not going to happen?" I immediately thought, "no, don't think like that."

Well, as usual my 6th sense was right. Later on in the afternoon I got a phone call from my dad and before he could even say it, I knew what was coming: "Francisco's not going to make it."

Wow. WOW!!!! WOOOOOOOWWWW!!!!!!!

What did I do so wrong in my life? What? Whaaaaattttt??????

In one way, I appreciate the way the Lord lets me know these things right away, but in another I feel like what the heck!!!! Why is not one single one of these guys a YES? Why??? Why, Lord?

When is it going to be a YES?

Well, now all of a sudden, I'm back to square one and feeling like I have no idea where my future is going. I can't take this anymore...

Even worse, is right before this post I wrote about God's promises. I know what I wrote is the truth, but this very second, it doesn't feel like it. Sorry, God, but you know me better than anyone so you already know that this is how I feel....

Abraham and God’s Promises

I just finished reading Hebrews 11:8-19 and Romans 4:18-21, which detail Abraham's faith in obeying God and offering his own son's life as a sacrifice. I've always known why God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son Isaac (he was testing Abraham's faith in Him), but for the first time I understand why it is that Abraham obeyed.

Before Isaac was even conceived, the Lord made a promise to Abraham. He told Abraham to look into the sky and count the stars, if that was even possible (Genesis 15:5). Then He told Abraham that he would have a son and his descendants would be as numerous as the stars. This was God’s promise to Abraham: You ARE going to have at least one child and from that child you ARE going to have more descendants than you can even count.

So when Abraham marched his son up that hill he in a way knew that his son wasn’t going to die. He had so much faith in God’s promise about his future that he literally believed that if God did end up allowing him to kill his son, God—being the almighty and powerful creator of the earth—would turn around and bring that boy back to life. He truly BELIEVED in the promise of God that his son would bring him many descendents. He trusted in God’s promise and he was RIGHT! God stopped Abraham before he could do it and considered him righteous for his faith. (We are, after all, saved by FAITH and not works, right?)

WOW! What an example.

I get it now. God does not go back on his promises and the more that we have faith and trust in Him and His promises the more we are blessed. Look at Abraham. He is now known as the father of a nation, all because he trusted in God’s word to him.

Why then should I—little old Kristina—not trust in the promises God has made to me. There is no reason. I have no excuse. I see that now. I see that God’s promises are real and true. I believe and trust in His promises.


Thank you, Lord, for showing this to me, and forgive me for only JUST getting it. You are amazing. Your love is amazing. Your power is amazing. Your promises are amazing. Hallelujah! Amen!

"And she will be loved..."

When it comes to my love life, it’s always either feast or famine. I go through these cycles where absolutely nobody is interested in me and then all of a sudden I got options. Well, at the risk of sounding conceited, I have to say that, right now, I have options… a few options.

I really don’t know what the difference is between me now and me a few months ago (other than about 11 lbs. lol), but all of a sudden I’m desirable to some people. Maybe it’s the holidays. Maybe they put people in the mood to be around someone special. I don’t know. All I know is that I literally have about 3 guys who are interested in me right now (Francisco and Internet guy being two of them).

I have no idea what to do with 1 guy, let alone 3! Yikes.

Obviously, Francisco is the guy I am hoping for. He is the most ideal as far as his beliefs and who he is as a person (at least, according to my dad). However, I keep thinking, “If Francisco doesn’t turn out to be as special as I think he is, should I keep these other guys on standby?” But then I think, “No. That sucks. I wouldn’t want to be somebody’s standby. I have no right to waste these guys’ time.” So yeah. What to do… what to do…

So, I guess it’s just friends… with all three guys. I think it’s important for whoever it is that I end up with that we be good friends first. I think developing a friendship above romance and all that is the most important.

I kind of want to hang out with each one, as a friend, and see how it goes with each one, but I’m not sure if that’s messed up or what? I’m telling you, I’ve never been in this kind of situation before. You think you want someONE special and then all of a sudden you got a line up. Double-yikes!

Either way, for the first time in a long time, I feel—dare I say it—desirable, and I DO appreciate it. As a former fat/not-so-hot girl, it’s always nice to get an ego boost here and there. =)

Moving back to move forward...

My sister Katie and her best friend Tirsa currently live with my Mom, but once my Mom moves in with my Dad and me in the very near future, they will be left at that house… on their own. Thankfully, the house is paid off, so all they have to worry about are rent and bills. They were thinking of getting a roommate, but Katie had one idea first: She asked me to move back home to 1) help pay rent/bills and 2) to leave my parents alone. Lol

I think I might do it.

I still have to think about it, but I do think it may be a good idea. For one, I do want to help my sister out and it would be nice to finally not live under the same roof as one or both of my parents… since I AM 28 years old! Two, my parents do need their alone time. They need to be given the opportunity to re-build their relationship—unhindered and with no distractions.

It’s just hard.

#1: I LOVE MY CHURCH. I love Pastor David and his wife Marie. I love the people. I love the sense of community. I love the Women’s Ministry. I love the Children’s Ministry. I was baptized there! My church and I have the same exact birthday… that’s gotta mean something! Lol. I don’t want to leave it. Truly.

#2: I love Pomona/the I.E. I’m surrounded by everything I need in all directions. The people seem way less superficial. I’m 20 minutes away from Disneyland. My hairdresser is out here and she is the only person I trust to cut my hair and at that price. My commute is only 30 minutes, whereas it will be 45-60 minutes from my Mom’s. Did I mention I love my church?!

It’s a hard decision for me to make. But then again…

- I miss being close to my sisters, nieces, goddaughter, and friends.
- If things work out with Francisco, it would be nice to be close to him since he practically lives in the same neighborhood as my Mom anyway.
- I DO need to grow up and be out on my own, paying rent and all.
- It’s not like I don’t have a church to go to out there—the one I used to go to: Shepherd of the Hills. I can always get involved with their Children’s Ministry too.
- I kind of like the idea of getting rid of my Mom’s old stuff and totally re-decorating. =)

So there are pros and cons to both sides, but I’m sure at the end of it all I will go ahead and move back—especially if things work out with Francisco. =) I can’t not help my sister out and I do need to grow up. Plus, so many people will be so happy to have me back.

One thing I know for sure right now: I can’t go until a lot more of my debt has been paid off, so I’m looking at around March or April 2010. By then I will only have about 5 or 6 of my 8 debts paid off. That will make it much easier for me to be able to pay rent and bills.

*sigh*

Lord I know you are in control regardless.

“Many are the plans in a man’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails” -Proverbs 19:21

Ups and downs...

This weekend was interesting. I was very busy--I literally saw three movies over the three days this weekend:

Friday: Saw The Princess and the Frog at Walt Disney Studios. Experience was cool, but the movie itself wasn't up to par for Disney in my opinion. It wasn't horrible, but wasn't their best either.

Saturday: Saw New Moon. I have never read the books and I'm not a teeny bopper who is obsessed with either of the young male actors from the movies, but after seeing this movie (and I never in a million years would have ever thought I was going to say this) I have to say I am on Team Jacob. The girl does him dirty... you can't help but root for the guy. (You have to see the movie to know what I'm talking about.)

Sunday: Saw Precious. Talk about a depressing movie. The acting was excellant, but I can't help wanting a HAPPY ending. The girl is triumphant at the end, but you still walk away feeling like it wasn't a very uplifting story. The even worse part is that you know this type of abuse and horrible circumstances is not unheard of in this world (my own adopted sister went through some of this stuff). So sad.

Aside from all the movie watching, I got to hang out with my friend Mike and I got to see both of my nieces. That was cool, but the weekend wasn't totally great.

I ended up having a conversation with my dad, which involved me telling him that sometimes I feel like he doesn't care all that much about my life and what happens to me, and specifically about helping me to marry well. I felt like he wasn't doing enough to make this thing with Francisco happen. Of course, as he does when he feels upset or guilty, he got mad at ME and acted like I want him to do everything for me. I don't want him to do everything for me at all. I just wanted him to do what was in his power to get this thing started so that God and I could handle the rest.

I don't know. I guess we are just on two different pages on what is biblically correct when it comes to parental involvement and how much there should be.

Anyway..... Yesterday, my dad sends me a text message:

"Francisco wants to see you next Saturday. Today is his father's birthday."

Well, I guess he did feel guilty because he had turned around and went through his friend Anthony to get ahold of Francisco. Anthony was going to have some people over to eat Paella at his house, so my dad asked him to invite Francisco. He couldn't make it because of his father's birthday, but they set up a movie night at Anthony's house the following weekend so that we could see each other. (I'm assuming they told him that I wanted to see him... I'll find out more later.)

So, now it's set up and I'm excited, but of course I feel bad that I practically had to twist my dad's arm to get him to do something. I plan on apologizing to my dad soon. I know he cares about me, but I don't want him to think that I think he doesn't care about me at all, whatsoever. I want him to know that I felt bad about our conversation before he ever sent me that text message.

Well, I guess it's time to start getting more happy about this situation. God has once again shown me that He is looking out for me. So, why do I feel all guilty now like I pushed everyone into something? *sigh*

Stop it, self! I'm sure things will start to look up very soon...

Christmas Cake Wrecks....

First of all, I have to say that I love love LOVE the website Cake Wrecks. It has to be one of the funniest things I've ever come across (it's subtitle literally states, "When professional cakes go horribly, hilariously wrong"). It never fails to make me laugh out loud. Some of these cakes are just mind-bogglingly hysterical and then you add on the clever captions by the blog's authors and you can't help but practically pee your pants every time you visit this page.

Anyway, this particular post had me busting up and I had to share in the spirit of Christmas tomfoolery: "Be good... or Else"

"Don't stop believin'..."

Man, I'm trying to keep the dream alive for my love life, but it's hard. I really do need to learn patience. At least I have hope. But even that seems like it comes and goes. I found this quote this morning:

"When our hopes break, let our patience hold." -Thomas Fuller

So true and so applicable right now.

This morning I asked my dad how his friend and ex-girlfriend (I only recently found that out btw) Carmen is doing? He said that she hasn't come back to work and will most likely be out until the new year. Great. So how am I supposed to get into contact with Francisco? *sigh*

I've been praying for Carmen because I know how much it hurts to think you have someone and then suddenly lose them. My dad broke up with Carmen to try to work things out with my mom. Ouch.

After finding out that my dad had been dating Carmen, I jokingly told him to ask her to get in touch with Francisco before he told her that he and my mom were going to move back in with each other so that she wouldn't change her mind about trying to help me get to know him better. That was a JOKE, but he told her I said it and now I feel bad. I didn't want to hurt her feelings and I definitely didn't want to put the idea into her head. She doesn't strike me as the vengeful type, but women are women.... especially when they don't know the Lord. *sigh*

Maybe the Lord is trying to tell me that this is not going to happen. *sigh* The thought makes me want to cry. To quote another wise man, Al Green (lol), "I'm so tired of being alone..."


Lord, pleeeeeeease. Please help me to put my full trust, faith, and HOPE in You. I KNOW You have my best interests at heart and I KNOW that You have made a promise to me. Help me to BELIEVE it and to feel it in my core. I'm tired of worrying about it. I want to enjoy life and live in peace. Thank You for loving me, even when I'm crazy and impatient. Amen!

Because you deserve it...

So I've been trying to think of something special to do for my step-niece, Maddie, as her Christmas gift. God put it on my heart to pay her some special attention this year. And she really needs it, I think.

Maddie has Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD). She can be hard to handle sometimes. It takes a lot of patience. On top of that, she is a pre-teen girl, stuck in between two families, and I would bet money that she doesn't feel like she completely belongs in either one. Her dad (my brother-in-law) and her mom divorced when she was still a baby. They both almost instantly remarried and both have a child with their new spouses. Maddie has a brother via her mother and a new baby sister via her father.

Needless to say, Maddie is not the center of attention in either of her families. In fact, just by the frequent loss of patience by her parents, I wouldn't blame Maddie for feeling like they don't even want her around sometimes, even if it's NOT the truth. (It literally brings me to tears thinking about it.)

This child is so happy and friendly. She's one of the most encouraging and kind little girls I have ever met. I don't know why she has this disorder--God only knows--but I wish people would stop and remember that 1) she isn't choosing to be this way and 2) she is a good girl despite her disorder.

All this to say, this is why my other sister and I want to do something special for this kid. We want her to shine and to feel important for the first time in a long time. We want her to feel wanted and accepted. We want her to feel like she belongs.

So, I think we are going to take her to see the Broadway musical, Mary Poppins. I'm excited. I've been wanting to see it. I'm more excited for Maddie though. She's going to get to dress up and be important.... because she deserves it!

The older I get...

... the less drama I want in and around my life! I think that comes also from growing closer to the Lord. No drama!

Some of my friends are wrapped up in some mad drama right now and it's starting to get on my nerves. Of course, much of it is being facilitated by Facebook. It's one of those reasons why people say they hate social networking sites. I get that, I really do, but I don't blame Facebook. I blame us for putting our business (ahem... drama) all over the Internet and then acting shocked when some crazy crap kicks off (I am big time guilty of this myself, embarrasingly).

All I know is that I don't want any part of it anymore. I especially don't want to be dragged into other people's issues. I have enough drama of my own to worry about.

Right now I'm making a promise not to passive-aggresively use Facebook to send indirect angry messages to people, not to air my dirty laundry, not to jump in and comment on something that has nothing to do with me, and to only say things that are positive and funny.... well, unless it's political. That's different. Politics is fair game in my book. =)

This week at my church, and churches across California, is the week of prayer and fasting. I considered fasting off of Facebook and I think I should have done it. Actually, I think I should only use Facebook to catch up and not to daily know all the chisme (English translation: gossip, juice, drama, etc.). This is getting to be too much. Even though the drama doesn't directly involve me, it and Facebook are truly taking away from productive time I could be giving to the Lord.


Forgive me, Lord. Help me to be more like You and to use Your time wisely. For that matter, forgive me for any pain and hurt I've ever caused in the past due to not minding my business or keeping my mouth shut. Help me to stay positive and to worry about Your business only. Amen!