Give the kids a break....

Even though I don’t have children of my own, I have devoted a lot of my adult life to studying parenting… probably because it’s what I want to be most in this world. I know I will never be a perfect parent (we all jack our kids up). No one but God is. I do think, however, that I have a good idea (just an idea) of what it’s like, what to do, what not to do, etc. We’ll see for sure though when I finally have my own children. Then you all can wag your fingers at me. =)

For now though, I feel like sharing something the Lord put on my heart about parenting. It’s more of a reminder actually.

It seems like it’s very easy to become frustrated with your kids (I admit some of ya’ll’s kids can frustrate me a little too sometimes… lol). It doesn’t matter how much you love them, they, one way or another, manage to tick you off at one point. Sometimes it’s on purpose (as in, they just want to see how far they can push you or they just generally have a defiant nature), but most of the time it’s not intentional. Most of the time it’s because they are fairly new to this world, compared to us adults, and still don’t have much common sense. They are still learning that actions have consequences and to think before they do things (I’m still learning that one myself).

So, what’s the reminder? YOU/WE are not perfect. We have to remember that when we foul up God does not reject us, push us away, yell at us, humiliate us, or ask us why we didn’t think or use common sense. No. He disciplines us (consequences), He's patient with us, and He immediately opens up His arms to enfold us and forgives us. Point blank. There is no walking away from us or reminding us again and again later on about how we messed up. No. It’s over and forgotten.

Remember that, parents. Remember that when you get so heated up over something that in reality is so minor. Remember that when you see the look of rejection in your child's face. Remember that you are setting the tone for how this child is going to treat his/her children. Remember that you yourself are also a child of God who is still learning and growing and constantly screwing up.

MOST OF ALL: Remember just how awesome grace and forgiveness is…

Revolving door of friends..

I don't know if everyone experiences this or if it's just me, but I sure do constantly have friends coming in and out of my life.

I had a falling out with a friend about two years ago. Misty was my best friend, in fact. We started the County together and we grew close very fast. We had similar humor and we both just meshed together very well. I think we taught each other a lot. I loved her, but we had a major misunderstanding that exploded into something that was so out of control. It led us to break away from each other in not the most amicable of ways.

Well, here and there recently she has been dropping me a line via email and we've begun to catch up a little and share what's going on in each other's lives. I'm not gonna lie and say I haven't missed Misty these last couple of years and I can tell she has missed me too. It's so heartbreaking to lose someone that you cared about that much.... especially because they become like family to you.

Well, I have a feeling we will probably get together one of these days to catch up. In one way I really want to, but in another way I'm apprehensive. I forgave her a long time ago and I'm sure she did the same, but things change. We'll see what happens. I had another close friend who turned on me once (accusing me of messing around with her boy friend). We are back to being friends again and she even apologized and admitted that she was wrong and I was the best friend she ever had, but things are just not the same. We rarely see or speak with each other. It's just what happens...

So yeah, my life is a revolving door of friends. In and out. In and out. Thankfully, I have had one friend on this planet who has been a long-term friend to me and that's Mandy. Mandy is like family: we love each other even when we don't agree with each other.

Even better than Mandy though, I've had a constant and life-long friend in Jesus. He has always stood behind me, even when I've offended Him, mistreated Him, ignored Him, took Him for granted... and he always will. He had His own special door into my life and that one doesn't revolve or have an exit...

July 26th....

Is the day I was born. Yippee. No biggie, right? There are people born on every day of the year. Yes, it's the day I was born, but other than that, it's just another day. Until now...

This July 26th--July 26, 2009--will become a great day in my life. Why? I'm getting baptized! I'm getting baptized at my church, Calvary Chapel of the Chino Valley--the church that I have grown to love--in front of my family and my God. Crazy! This is long overdue.

Want to know something else even crazier and which makes me know that the Lord has His had in everything? My birthday, July 26, 1981, is also the EXACT birthday of my church. =)

July 26th is going to be one of the best days of the year for me forever....

I love you, Lord, and I'm not afraid to let the whole world know!!

The Father's Gift: My Earthly Father

Yesterday was Father's day and I have to say one of the best ones this family has ever had. We had so much to celebrate. Not only do we have a great dad, but he has truly started on a new path in life where Jesus is the leader. The Lord is doing a great work in our father.

I hadn't mentioned this before because for some reason it wasn't that big of a deal to me (even though it really is a big deal). My father told me a couple weeks ago that there is a 30% chance that he may have Prostate Cancer. Usually people hear something like that and flip out, but I felt and still feel at peace about it. If he does have cancer, it is very likely the beginning stages and is treatable. I'm not worried.

My dad finally told my mom and sisters. My sisters freaked out a little, but I'm trying to remind them that 1) our days are numbered and we all will go when the Lord pleases, 2) the Lord is in control of all things, and 3) if this is what it took to get my dad to come back to the Lord, than it's a blessing, not a curse.

Yes, the idea of my father not walking me down the aisle or knowing my kids terrifies and hurts me, but if I had to trade that for his eternity in Heaven with his Creator, I wouldn't. I would rather he miss all those things and have a guarentee of us being together again with the Lord, then him being here for all those earthly things and then burning in hell. Truly. There is no room for selfishness here. This is his eternity we are talking about.

Anyway, we gathered together yesterday for Father's day and had a good meal, and then we held hands and prayed over my father. We prayed for protection from the enemy and we prayed for healing. I know the Lord was there and He heard our prayer. I know it. Now it's up to Him and His will.

All I know is that whatever the Lord's will, I love Him and I bless His name for giving us an awesome Dad who loves us and was always been there for us, even when he wasn't at his best. We have been luckier than most....

The rest of the story....

Okay, so I didn't finish my story last time, but it's been a while since it all went down (and I'm just drained from it already) that now all I even want to get into is an abbreviated version of the story. So here it is....

Well, I was supposed to discuss everything that was happening with Liz that following Monday, but I ended up having to call in because the refriderator repair guy was supposed to come (which he never did, causing me to lose a whole day of work). So, I emailed Liz to try to explain myself even more, but to mostly apologize. She answered me back and basically said that she really cares about me, but is unsure anymore because she feels that:

- I am always criticizing both her religious and political beliefs.
- I think my beliefs are superior to hers.
- My heart is full of anger and hate (because I use the word hate a lot), to the point where she swears that I once said that I hate Obama and wish someone would kill him (I NEVER said anything of the sort, I can assure you)

My response in a nutshell was that I don't believe I am full of anger and hate, but that I am a very expressive person when I speak and tend to use the word hate a lot (i.e., "I HATE it when people do XXXX!"), but that I don't truly hate anyone in my heart. I don't believe that my beliefs are superior to hers, but I do believe that they are the truth--just like she probably believes the same about hers. I then told her that I believe that Catholics are also Christians, as in followers of Christ. I also told her that I was sorry that I gave her these impressions, but that she was justified in being angry with me.

Then I addressed the whole wanting Obama dead thing. I told her that I don't EVER recall making such a statement and that it's never even crossed my mind. I went on to say that I wouldn't even say such a thing in private.... even to people who I know would agree with that crap. I would never wish death upon anyone and would not want his wife or children to suffer like that.

I then went into how I know I have issues, but there are reasons behind them,not that they are excuses, and that I still have a long ways to go. I asked for forgiveness once again and for prayer, and I reiterated that I hoped that our frienship could move past this. I didn't get a response.

I went in on Tuesday. She invited me to lunch and I felt so much better, thinking that she was starting to forgive me, but then when we got to lunch she wouldn't even look at me. I figured she only asked if I wanted to go to be the "better person," but probably didn't think I would actually accept. Or maybe she just didn't realize that once I was in front of her face it wasn't going to be that easy to be around me. Who knows.

I could tell it was tense, but I just came praying and asking God to soften up her heart.

Then I overhear her (which I think was intentional) making plans for what I think is a 4th of July BBQ at her house. We've been planning a 4th of July BBQ at her house together with our other friend Nadia for the last few years. Well, this year, I'm not included apparently.

So, I don't know where we stand, but I do know that whether Liz wants to admit it to herself or not, she's angry with me.

I'm just going to keep praying.... for the Lord to keep refining me and for Him to soften up her heart and remind her (and me for that matter) that He has already forgiven us for far worse offenses....

When it feels like the whole world hates me...

I try to remember that the Lord still loves me. It's hard though when it seems like you are always upsetting, offending, and/or unintentionally pushing people away.

I had a rough weekend. I've had a rough last couple of weeks actually. I keep going through--and putting myself in--situations where I am not sure whether a friendship will last. The Devil is having a field day with me right now.

A few weeks ago, I couldn't find Diana. We were supposed to hang out one night and when the day arrived I didn't hear from her and I couldn't get a hold of her. For some reason, I allowed myself to freak out about it; partly, because she has health problems and I previously had a vision (from God? from the enemy? ??) of being at her funeral. So, I totally jumped to conclusions that something wasn't right.

Well, after tracking her down at church, I found out that she had lost her phone and it was no big deal. Everything should have been okay after that, right? No. I then proceeded to start getting paranoid that she was somehow angry with me for worrying about her (makes no sense, right?). So I sat here suffering wondering if I had lost my friend until I finally went looking for her at Church. Everything was fine and now I know it was stupid. *long sigh*

Yay! Everything is back to normal. NOT!

This last weekend Liz and I were supposed to go to a Quinceanera. On Friday I was not having a great day. I was running around trying to find stuff I needed for the party and couldn't find anything. I was frustrated. Well, Liz calls me up as I'm at Target to tell me she's not feeling well and may not go to the party. Already being irritated, the prospect of not going after all didn't help because I REALLY wanted to go to this party. Liz then proposes that we skip the Mass and just go to the party, depending on how she feels.

What is my response? Instead of just saying "okay. That sounds good to me," I stick my foot in my mouth and say something that I later realized was totally AWFUL and offensive. I was like, "Well, you know what, I hate Mass anyway, so that's fine with me." Then I went on to further shove my foot in my mouth by explaining all the reasons why I don't like it (too long, people stare at me like I'm going to hell because I don't know the prayers and don't kneel down to pray with everyone). Don't ask me why I allowed all this stupidity to come flowing out of my mouth. I don't know what I was thinking.

So I hang up with her not really sensing that she's upset or anything and thinking everything is fine. I walk out of Target and immediately the Lord starts convicting my heart. I literally could feel Him telling me, "why don't you review what you just said to your friend right now." I immediately replay the conversation in my head and realize that what I said was so out-of-line and offensive. I know that if someone were to tell me something like that I would be a little offended myself. He then instructs me to apologize.

First I apologized to Him because most of all He is the one I have offended. Then I sent a text message to Liz telling her that I really didn't mean any offense and that don't really HATE Mass; I am just not used to it and I'm so sorry for what I said. She didn't respond and I though that she knows I'm a dummy sometimes and probably didn't take it the wrong way. So I move on, still feeling guilty and ashamed of myself, but a little relieved that she doesn't seem to be holding it against me.

Wrong!

The next day I text her because it turns out I can't go to the Quince (yeah, not only did I offend her, but I ended up being the flake). She then responsds. I'm thinking it's a reply to me not attending the Quince. Nope. She tells me that 1) it's not the first time I've said something offensive about the Catholic church and 2) she doesn't know how to respond to the comment nor the apology. Ouch. I've really done it now.....

(Continued next time.)

Learning to trust...

I'm reading Dr. James Dobson's book, When God Doesn't Make Sense. I'm not really going through any kind of crisis right now, but I still figured there would be some good information in this book for dealing with hard times that will inevitably come. I'm only into Chapter 2, but I wanted to share an excerpt from the book that I thought was pretty insightful:

I heard a story many years ago about a man who was driving his truck on a narrow mountain road. To his right was a cliff that dropped precipitously nearly 500 feet to a canyon below. As the driver rounded the curve, he suddenly lost control of the vehicle. It plunged over the side and bounced down the mountain, bursting into flames at the bottom. Although the terrified man was ejected as his truck went over the edge, he managed to grab a bush that grew near the top. There he was, frantically holding the small limb and dangling precariously over the abyss. After trying to pull himself up for several minutes, he called out in desperation, "Is anybody there?"

In a few seconds, the thundering voice of the Lord echoed across the mountain. "Yes, I am here," He said. "What do you want?"

The man pleaded, "Please save me! I can't hold on much longer!"

After another agonizing pause, the voice said, "All right. I will save you. But first you must turn loose of the limb and trust Me to catch you. Just release your grip now. My hands will be under you."

The dangling man looked over his shoulder at the burning truck in the valley below, and then he called out, "Is anybody else there?"

Have you ever found yourself in a similar fix? Have you ever pleaded for God's help in a distressful situation and had Him ask you to trust Him with your life? Have you ever weighed his reply and then wanted to ask, "Is anybody else there?" As we have indicated, that is not an uncommon experience in this Christian walk. We think we know what we need in a moment of crisis, but God often has other ideas.

Amen! Wow. That is so true, and not just in crises. I find myself trying to dictate to God exactly how He should be doing things for me instead of letting Him work out HIS perfect plan for me. Little by little though I'm learning to trust in Him. His way is ALWAYS better than mine. It's been proven to me time and time again.

Thank you, Lord, for being that hand that wants to catch me if I just let go and trust You...

Press Play

So last weekend turned out pretty darn good, except for one bump. Here are the highlights:

Friday, I didn't go to Disneyland with Sandy and Baby K because of the rain, but we did go see Up (the new Disney/Pixar movie). It was Kaylin's first time going to the movies and she did so good. She had me cracking up. She kept hitting me and then pointing at the movie as if to say, "did you see that, tia?!" Then on one sort of scary/dramatic part, she clasped her hands over her mouth and started screaming, as if to say, "Oh no!!" It was too funny. That kid should be an actress.

After that we went to eat at Oggi's, which is one of my favorite places to eat in Santa Clarita. They have a yummy Buffallo Chicken salad and Fried Zucchini. Mmmmm. Then we went to the mall real quick and then back to their house and watched a movie. Fun times.

Saturday, I took my mom with me to the mall to look around. We ended up buying a ton of books, which I was happy to get home and start reading later on. Then we headed over to this Deli that I used to go to back when I worked at the District. I totally cheated and had a Reuben sandwich, which was so worth it. Mmmmmm, again! After that, I dropped Mom off and headed to Mandy's house where we watched movies and pigged out on crap (yeah, I totally was not good with the food that weekend... bad me!).

Sunday, I came home, but didn't make it in time for church so I dropped in on the kids to say Hi to Diana, since I knew it was her week. I ended up staying to help with the kids, and she and her husband invited me over to hang out and have dinner. We talked for a bit and then watched the Laker game and ate. I left early and finished watching the game at home, which ended up being such a good game! They went into overtime and the Lakers ended up winning. Go Lakers!

So, yeah, overall the weekend went great! I really enjoyed myself and it didn't seem like it passed by in a flash.

Now to the one bump in my weekend....

I needed a haircut like yesterday. My bangs were waaaaaay too long. My girl wasn't answering her phone or calling me back so I decided to go to someone out there in Santa Clarita to a salon I found online and which had a million good reviews. Sounds trustworthy, right? Ha! Big mistake....

I asked for my layers to be trimmed and for my bangs to be cut in a side sweep. This heifer choped my bangs off and I now look like Shannon Doherty in 90210 (ew!):

Then on the rest of my hair she gave me super short layers at the top and long layers on the bottom leaving me looking like a flippin mushroom or something. On top of that she made them choppy layers. So yeah, basically she tried to give me some kind of crazy emo hairstyle. NOT GOOD.

I am not EMO! I am clean, simple, and classic. I like my hair with long layers and my bangs side-swept. This girl left me looking ridiculous! Anyone who knows me knows that my best asset is pretty much my hair and I don't play games with it. EVER! I don't "try new things" or "experiment." I like my hair the way I like it.

So needless to say, I was pretty angry. I was so angry and upset that I cried for like 3o minutes when I got home. I literally have to pull my hair back with a clip everyday because I hate the way it looks down. One side of layers is literally shorter than the other. The thing that really makes me mad is that this girl did exactly what I told her not to do.

I told her that I wanted the bangs side-swept, not straight across. I also told her that I didn't want anything crazy with the layers, but to trim them. I specifically said I don't want them to be choppy. She did exactly what I asked her NOT to do.

Yes, this salon seemed like one of those ultra-hip, modern type of salons that's "on the cutting edge," but they still should be able to do simple haircuts... especially for $50! A good stylist should be able to do any kind of hair, right? What the heck? How hard is it to cut a simple layered cut? Seriously?

If you ever want to get your hair cut in Santa Clarita. Do not--I repeat--DO NOT go to Beyond the Fringe Hair Salon in Newhall. Worst decision of my life!

Rewind. Try again...

Last weekend I went to my mom's house in a great mood. Life couldn't be better. I even sat there and told my mom, with tears of joy, just how good life is.... how the Lord is so good that when you put your trust in Him, He gives you far beyond what you could ever have asked for (specifically refering to my promotion). I was just feeling that joy that comes from the Holy Spirit.

(By the way, ONLY the Holy Spirit can bring that kind of joy--not people or things of this world.)

Anyway, then I got to hang out with Sandy and Baby K, which is always good times for me. Baby K can make any day a great day. Especially right now as she's learning how to use the potty. Exciting! lol.

So, yeah. My weekend started out great. Of course, as always though, good things don't last forever, and by Saturday night I was ready to bounce and go back home ASAP. As usual, I left feeling like there is no point of coming down to visit my family because I leave feeling unwanted and unwelcome. It never fails.

When my sisters or mom come to visit me, I go out of my way to make sure they are comfortable and that there is something to do. I don't just sit around all day watching TV, unless that's what they want to do. I want them to enjoy themselves. That is not what I get when I go to my Mom's. They treat me like they see me everyday, instead of like they haven't seen me for weeks.

Now I know it's not their intention to necessarily hurt my feelings, but I still get them hurt anyway. It's like I told my mom: I have been on this continuous journey to improve myself and to try to be a more easygoing person that is more pleasant to be around, but I feel like they've done nothing on their part. They will never change. And I guess their uncanny ability to hurt my feelings won't change either, which is partly my fault, since I'm giving them that power, huh.

*sigh* Guess I just need to accept it.

Well, this weekend I'm going back down again, but this time I have a plan. I--me, myself, and I--am going to make sure I have stuff to do. Not going to rely on them to keep me occupied and feeling wanted. I'm going to spend time with people who show me that they are happy to see me.
First, Sandy and I are going to try to go to Disneyland on Friday, IF this rain and thunderstorms don't continue like they are forcasting that they will. Crossing my fingers! If we cancel due to rain, we are still going to the movies or something. It will be Sandy, Baby K, and Tia Kristina day, part II.

Then Saturday, I'll be hanging with Mandy and the family. I'm always welcomed there, especially with what is going on right now with Ruben (I'll elaborate more in another blog very soon). They need all the support they can get right now. Sunday, I'll either go to church with Katie and Tirsa or just go home and go to my church. Since I don't have Children's Ministry this weekend I can take my pick.

So hopefully this weekend will be a lot better than last weekend. In the meantime, I'm gonna start praying for the Lord to help me to be less sensitive, be more understanding, and not have such high expecatations of everyone... ESPECIALLY my family.

Fragmented...

Things feel strained lately.

Sometimes I'm not sure if people are still my friends. Not in the way that you think. No one has done anything shady to me to make me question whether they are true friends. No. It's more that I feel like people don't want to be my friend.

I've always struggled to maintain friendships with people my whole life. I think its partly because of whom I was choosing as a friend and partly just me and who I am. I know that I can be a difficult person to be friends with sometimes. I'm extremely opinionated and I tend to have high expectations of people. I know it's not a good thing and I'm truly working on it and have even come a long way, but every once in a while those monsters come out. I am very blunt also. Although I'm really working on that too, when my emotions get the best of me, I am a little too honest and it clearly can bother people.

Lately, I feel like everything I say bothers people. I also notice that I'm reverting back to being overly sensitive.

I think the enemy doesn't like that I'm trying to live my life for the Lord and he's stepping up his game.

I keep feeling paranoid that people are talking about me behind my back or that when I don't hear back from someone right away (whether by text message, phone call, or email) that they MUST be mad at me.

I really don't like to live like this. I would rather not give a crap who wants to be my friend and who doesn't, but the fact is I do. Probably because I haven't been able to keep friends around long-term and I just want to find a group of people who love me for me... no matter what.

The only one, aside from God, that I never have to worry will turn on me is Mandy. She's really been my only long-term friendship and she definitely loves me for me. The funny thing is that of all my friends she is least likely to have a relationship with God. That seems funny to me.

I would like to have at least one believing friend who I don't manage to push away. Even my believing friends seem to be growing tired of me.

Wait. Is that reality or is that the paranoia/insecurity talking?

See, it's neverending....