Stuck in the mud...

Psalm 40:1-3

 

“I waited patiently for the Lord, and He inclined to me, and heard my cry.  He brought me out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay; and he set my foot upon a rock making my footsteps firm.  And he put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; many will see and fear, and will trust in the Lord.”

 

I feel like this is a promise of how things will turn out eventually for me.  Eventually.

 

Right now, I’m in the miry clay, the slimy pit, crying out to the Lord…. But I HAVE to believe that he hears me and will soon pull me out and set me on firm ground.  I will have a new song of praise to God.

 

I just need to wait patiently. 

 

I’m going to be honest right now:  I HATE that word… “wait.”   Wait! Wait! Wait! 

 

It feels like the story of my life is a story about waiting.  What it really has been, though, is a story about God waiting for me… waiting on me to “get it.”  To understand how much more important He is than anything else I desire.  Nothing else matters. 

 

*sigh*

 

Lord, please align what I know is true in my mind with how my heart feels.  I want them to be in one accord, seeking you and your will first.  I’m tired of waiting, but I’m even more tired of this inner battle between trust and fear.  Help me.  I’m crying out for you to help me right now!

I’m going back to the start…

Why does Coldplay have perfect lyrics for every situation? Just saying… =)

Anyway, at the beginning of this last summer I was riding high. I had already lost a good amount of weight and was feeling a lot better about myself. I turned 30 and was enjoying my new body, still-young looks (yes, I did just write that… lol), and most of all my singleness. I even had made a commitment to God and myself that I would not be making any romantic commitments to anyone for 6 months. I was dating and having a good time… especially in July when I was lavished with all kinds of birthday fun and attention.

Then mister man comes along and changes the game. I though, “man, what they say is really true… it comes when you aren’t looking for it.”

Yeah…

What came was a distraction—from God and from life. I had all these plans, including getting a house, which were sidetracked (although not directly due to him). I did get this amazing job, however, which really was a blessing, but I lost my focus.

Now that things are up in the air with this dude, I’m getting a chance to look back and I’m like "wait a minute!” I was on an awesome adventure and it has been interrupted by someone who was trying to make it look like he wanted in on it too, but now he seems to be doing his own thing. It’s time to get back on my safari jeep like Indian Jones and keep this adventure going. He and other distractions need to be returned to the back seat where they belong and God needs to be put back in the driver’s seat where He belongs.

So…. Mister man has been relegated to just “an option” among a few options for now and I’m focusing on getting back on the trail I set out on. I’m doing my best to focus on serving the Lord with my life and my actions, dating/getting to know other people, and on moving forward with my future. I’m looking forward to moving out to my own apartment next month and starting fresh… a new, independent, attractive, self-reliant, secure woman who is relying on God to work things out.

I’m going back to where I started and staying on the trail…


Psalm 37:3-5, 7, 34

Trust in the Lord and do good; seek your happiness in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desire. Give yourself to the Lord; trust in him, and he will help you; Be patient and wait for the Lord to act; don’t be worried about those who succeed in their evil plans. Put your hope in the Lord and obey his commands.

Stepping back...

Things are never not complicated in Kristinaland.  Lol.

I am very blessed.  The Lord loves me and truly has poured His favor out upon me.  I believe its in response to areas in my life where I have chosen to be more obediant, but even that can be attributed to Him.  The things He has healed me of have helped facilitate my ability to be obediant.  So it all comes back to Him. :)

Go God! 

There is still that one area that I struggle with, however.  Guess which one...

*dun dun dun*

Yes, the double L word... Love life.

Blah!

It feels like I'll never get that one right.  And I dont mean that I can't make it happen, but that I can't let it happen.  I cant just allow things to happen. 

The guy in my life is a good guy.  He is very special.  I have never met anyone like him.  He loves the Lord. He is kindhearted, generous,  handsome, smart, etc.... and I feel like I can be myself with him. I really like him and I know he cares for me.

The problem with us girls is that when we find someone we want and are hopeful about, we go into "try to control the situation" mode.  We want to make things happen.  We want to help things along.  However, because that is not our job, but his, that puts him in "I dont know about this anymore" mode and things go south from there. :(

I dont know if that is happening right now.  It feels like it, and although I think there are things I do need to see him step up on, for the most part I feel that I am the problem here.

I think God agrees.

This is why I'm taking a step back.  I need to re-group and remember Who is number one here... Who gives me everything and fulfills my life. 

I also need to step back and let my "friend" come to me.

The Word says that Husbands need to love their wives the way Christ loves the church.  The church is the bride, but before we can be His bride, He pursues us.  He knocks on the door of our hearts and never gives up until we say yes.

I want to (and frankly need to) be pursued in the same way. 

So, right now I feel that the Lord is telling me that He has things under control, but that what He needs from me is to back off and stop making things so easy for Mister Man.  I'm going to comply... Even if I habe to force myself.  Even if I risk losing this guy.  I must be obedient.  I know it will be worth it.

Lord, thank You for being real with me.  I know you want nothing but the best things for me.  Strengthen me, guide me, and equip me.  Fix my eyes on you.  I surrender this ship to You, trusting that You are its most skilled and experienced captain.  In Jesus' name, AMEN!

He can do all things...

“Then Job replied to the Lord, ‘I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.’” Job 42:1-2

Amen!

Sometimes I find myself in and out of trust in the Lord. One minute I’m secure in the truth that God is working things out for my good… no matter what! Then other times, I’m in panic mode thinking that things are spiraling out of control and even God isn’t able to set things right. Total nonsense, I know. I think it’s human though. Even the Apostle Paul said that the “spirit is willing, but the body is weak” (Matthew 26:41), meaning our spirit wants to do what’s right (in this case, trusting completely in the Lord), but our flesh falls prey to weakness and sin (in this case, not trusting the Lord with our whole heart).

What we have to do is work on KNOWING that God CAN do all things and that His plans can NOT be hindered or obstructed.

That goes along with seeking his will and plan. It’s a must. There is no if, ands, or buts about it. We MUST seek His will and trust in His plan because it will be carried out whether we are on-board or not.

Thank you, Lord. Keep this reminder daily in my mind and heart. Don't let me forget it! Amen!

A glimpse of hell...

My sister let me borrow a book she recently purchased called “23 Minutes in Hell” by Bill Wiese. It is the account of his 23-minute trip to Hell. I think it’s a must-read for everyone. Reading it, you get the sense that this man is telling the truth and he has scripture to back it up.

Check out this video:


There was one thing in his account that really stuck out to me. At one point he is in a cavern full of creatures of all types that hate him and want to harm him. He specifically states that this includes giant spiders, around 3 feet tall.

Everyone knows that I am deathly afraid of spiders—no seriously—but that’s not why it stood out to me.

Years ago, when I was not walking with the Lord (in fact I now know that I really never KNEW the Lord intimately until a few years ago), I had a wake-up-call kind of dream from the Lord. For some reason the Lord loves to speak to me through dreams actually. But anyway…

In the dream, something was happening in the world and my Dad (who was also not living a right life before God) and I walk out of my house and see the world is dark and there is chaos around us. It’s like it’s the end of the world. We both look at each other and, without speaking a word, we both know that Jesus came and we where not taken. Then I looked up in the sky and saw seven stars. The stars move into a circle. Then I look away and see the sky raining fire and giant spiders surrounding us. Yes, spiders just as described in this man’s book.

Not long after that dream I read about the seven stars in the first book of Revelation. So that explained a lot, but I always remembered the spiders. In my mind they were probably there as a manifestation of something I truly fear. Especially since it seemed full of other things I feared, including (at that time) being left behind.

Then last night I read of these spiders and wham! The dream comes to my mind.

Now I know God was giving me a glimpse… a glimpse of things to come and what I could have faced if I did not come to Him. It literally brings me to tears.

God is real. Hell is real. We don’t have much time. Now is the time to share the Good News, because eventually it will be too late. I don’t want anyone I know to go to Hell…. ESPECIALLY after reading this man’s account. Hell was not meant for us humans and it hurts the Lord beyond description to see any of us lost to that horrible place.

My prayers of salvation for those around me are taking a whole new light now.

If you want more information on this book and its author, go to http://www.soulchoiceministries.org/.

Stick to the plan!

“God’s Plan for You”

What does that mean? People tell you that God has a plan for your life. I’ve told people the same. The Bible talks about God’s plan and purpose. It’s a real thing. It exists, but I don’t think we really think about how important it is and how imperative it is that we stay inside of that plan.

Last night the Lord showed me a picture of what His plan looks like.

I envisioned a table full of guests. Each one of us is a guest at God’s table. We all are invited to eat and partake, BUT only from the menu that he has pre-selected for us. (Literally picture a menu laid out in front of you with your name at the top: “Kristina’s Menu. By God.”)

Your menu has food that God knows will taste the best on your tongue, smell the best to your nose, look the best to your eyes, and most importantly nourish your body in the best way for it. Nothing on that menu is bad for you. It’s all stuff that He knows you will enjoy… better than you even know for yourself.

That menu is tailor-made for you by the most perfect and high being in existence. You look happily at your menu, excited to taste and see what’s in store. Why would you want anything other than that menu?

Yet, you can’t help it. You put your menu down and start trying to get a peek at the menu belonging to the person next to you.

“What a minute. Why does she get cheesecake?”   Even though you know you are lactose intolerant!  lol.

You start to want what’s on your neighbor’s menu, but that’s not your menu. The things on that menu are for that person and that person alone… especially made for that person. They may even have a couple of the same items you have on your menu, but not everything is the same. There are things on their menu that look ‘better” to you and you think you want more than what’s on your menu. Suddenly, it doesn’t seem fair.

Pretty soon, you forget about how happy you were with your menu. Pretty soon you aren’t happy. So you start insisting on ordering the things on the other person’s menu. When God doesn’t give them to you, you yell, scream, cry... whatever you think will make Him cave in to your demands.  Or He might allow you to try those things you think you so desperately need just so you can see for yourself that they aren’t so tasty on your tongue and don’t do the best things for your body. He allows you learn the hard way.

Pretty soon you are wishing you would have stuck to your own menu.

God’s plan is like the menu. He’s already tailor-made it for you. It IS perfect. It IS exactly what is right for you and you alone.

When we deviate from that plan or look at other people’s lives with envy, it’s like we are trying to taste from our neighbor’s menu the things that are not on our menu. It’s not for you and you are going to find out the hard way that it’s not as tasty as you had hoped.   You should have stuck with your menu because it was not going to dissappoint.

Thank God that He always lets us come back to our menu and try again. Even better He provides us with a glass of living water to cleanse our palette from the bad taste of the things we should have stayed away from to begin with.

God really is so good to us.


Lord, forgive me for not always trusting in your plan for me. You know what’s best for my life. Strengthen my faith in you, Lord, and keep me always focused on your perfect will for my life. Thank you for always bringing me back to Your table.

Self-defeat...

I've always thought I was ready for the responsibility of relationship, marriage, children, etc.  THOUGHT.

What you think and what is aren't always the same.  What you think about yourself in your conscious mind and what you think about yourself in your subconscious can also be two different things. 

Now that I re-examine my life, I can see that while I though I was ready, I was not.  While I tried to convince myself that I "deserved" these things, inside I really felt unworthy and scared of these things.  For the first time in my life I feel like I am almost ready.

Yes, I said ALMOST.

God has put someone special into my life and every ounce of my conscious self feels completely ready for what could come, but I think the subconscious is still not there. 

How do I know?  Because I find myself drifting into insecurity (with not good reason) and self-sabatoge, without wanting to.  I really don't want this to not work.  I really don't want to be the one to ruin it, but it's almost like I can't help myself.  I hate this about myself right now. 

I posted this to my Facebook wall yesterday, which pretty much sums up everything:

"I'm sick and tired of my own foolishness.  We don't deserve anything God gives us and maybe somewhere deep down we want to ruin our own chances because we feel unworthy.  May it stop today!"

Lord, please make it stop.   It is true that I am not unworthy, but that does not take away from the fact that you are my Father and You want to bless me and see me succeed.  Help me to have the courage to get out my own way, but more importantly out of Your way and let You do what You do best.  I love You.  Thank you for loving me more...

Thank-fully...

Things are good and there is so much to be thankful for.  I'm thankful that in less than a week I get to eat some turkey and other good stuff.  lol.

Things have made such a turnaround in the last couple of weeks in so many way.  I've gotten to see first-hand what God can do if you just let Him handle things.  He puts everything in the most perfect order and things happen in an even better way than you could have imagined them happening.   This is the beginning of a whole new trust and belief in the Lord... a deeper trust and belief.  I know He is real and is really working things out for me in a way that is the most beneficial for me and those around me.

I won't get into details on what exactly is happening with my love life (for now).  I'll share when I feel the time is right.   I can say, however, that I'm seeing God moving in my sister's and brother-in-law's lives.  I've been going to church with them every weekend.  And speaking of church, my goddaughter has been coming too, which is a miracle.  I've been praying for her mom to know the Lord.  Then out of know where, her mom approached me about taking her child to church with me and has even mentioned coming along one of these days.  Talk about the Lord opening a door.  It's so incredible!

You are amazing, Lord.  There is none like You.  =)

I think this is going to be the best Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years (hey and maybe even Valentine's Day *wink wink*) I've ever had. 

=D

Lord, I'm the most thankful for You and my salvation.  YOU are the gift that keeps on giving.

Love stories...

Moving on from the drama...

I just read Bryan Allain's guest post titled, "7 Tips for Finding Your Soul Mate Like I Did."   

It's cute and re-assuring.   God can make anything happen and will use any kind of situation to make it happen, we just gotta let Him.

=)

The familiar shock.. of confusion and chaos...

Ok. Now just when you think it's over, it's not.

Yesterday, I wrote a sincere blog post about moving on and letting go.  I hit "Publish Post" and was at peace, knowing that I meant every word (and still do).  Then I hear from him... and guess what?  Aparently, nothing was wrong.

What the heck?

But I'm still left with confusing feelings.  Technically, nothing was wrong, yet now I feel like I can't trust him fully with my heart just yet.  Like I want to pull away now and let him come to me.  Like I know now that I cannot accept NOT being pursued and won.  Like I need to see this man step up to the plate or I'm out.  Like I'm pretty much sure that I'll be dating other people until (if ever) he steps up.

Why?  Why does that always happen?  The minute you let go, it's like they just know...

Lord, Your will be done in this and always.   Whatever happens, don't let me take my focus off of You.  I don't want to have to be sifted like this again.  I want the lesson to be learned...

Outlook changed...

Today I woke up and something had changed.  I'm moving on from the situation that has been hurting me and worrying me for the last nearly 2 weeks.  I'm letting it go.  I'm letting him go.  Moving on.

I don't know what happened or why and I'm getting the idea that I'm not going to know.  I'm not in control.

Oh well. 

Get over it...

I'm over it.

Moving on.

God loves me and knows the bigger picture.  Never in my life--not once--has He removed someone who didn't need to be removed.... Even if that person seemed like a good person.  Even if that person had never done anything harmful to me (until now).  Even if that person seemed like they were in my life by some divine plan. 

Again, He knows everything I don't know and He has the perfect reasoning: MY GOOD.

He is looking out for me.   Greater things have yet to come.  I know it.  I believe it.  It's what's helping me to let go and move on.

Thank you, Lord.  Thank you for loving me so much!  Thank you for blessing me beyond what I can imagine for myself always.   Thank you for the good things you have in store for those who wait on you... even if not always patiently.  =)

This is not the end of my story; God wants to write a new chapter.  Amen!

Rest in Peace, Nessa

Speaking of being in the deep, scary valley...

This morning I got news from my sister that her old best friend, Vanessa, passed in a horrible car accident yesterday morning.   I don't know the details, but I'm sure she was probably on her way home from a Halloween party.  

It is so tragic.  She was so young and full of life.  This was a girl with a giant smile and a laugh for everything.  This was also a girl who had a very tight relationship with her siblings and right now my heart hurts so much for her family. 

From what I saw, Katie and Vanessa drifted apart when Katie decided she didn't want to party anymore, but wanted to walk more closely with God.  Friendships change when that happens.  Some people would rather continue on the dead-end road that is life lived in the world.  I hope and pray that somewhere along the line, Nessa was able to connect with the Lord and be saved, but there is no way of knowing.  God knows and that's all that matters.

Lord, be with this family.  Pour your comfort and peace onto them right now.  Use this tragedy for your glory, Lord.  May this be a wakeup call to those around Vanessa who have been ignoring your call upon their lives.  May we all grow closer to you, Lord, for our days our short and our lives are but a vapor.... here today and gone tomorrow. 

I love you, Lord, and thank you for abundant life through your salvation!  Hallelujah!

******************************************

UPDATE (11/3/11):  Here is an article on Nessa's accident.  Lord, God, be with her family.  May you continue to use this for your glory.  Amen!

From the top of the mountain to the bottom of the valley...

We are to rejoice in the Lord when times are good (top of the mountain) AND when times are bad (bottom of the valley).   Right now I'm in the low, deep pit of the valley, but I'm going to rejoice in the Lord anyway.

Right now I am going through a painful and confusing time in my life that has come seemingly out of no where.  I was on the top of the mountain, singing "the hills are alive..." (lol).  Then it was like I suddenly lost my footing and slid rapidly down into the scary unknown below. 

Why does God allow that to happen?  There are so many reasons.  For me, I believe one reason is that the Lord wants... no requires... that I turn my focus on Him, and although He is not a cruel God, He will use any means to make that happen, even allowing "bad" things to "happen."

His ultimate aim is to bring us back to a place where we rely fully on Him... not ourselves, not anyone else. 

Lord, thanks for taking desperate measures to get me back into a right standing with You... even if it hurt.  I know You love me.   I rejoice in that and I look forward to returning to the top of the mountain soon.  

Amen!

Important reminder to self...

God is so good at giving us the right message at the right time.  Amen!

This devotional from a couple of days ago was one of many messages from the Lord I needed to hear and I want to post it hear as a reminder to myself:

God Is Giving You Another Chance

“God has appointed another [future] for me.” Ge 4:25 NKJV

Satan’s plan was to infect Adam with the virus of sin before his first son was born; that way he could get all the rest of us. And it almost worked. Cain, Adam’s first son, murdered his brother Abel. But God wasn’t finished. “Adam knew his wife again, and she bore a son and named him Seth, ‘For God has appointed another seed for me instead of Abel.’” For everything you’ve loved or lost, God has something else. For everything that’s been stolen from you, God has something else. Your “seed” is your future, and God has another one in mind for you. The situation you are in right now is not the end of the story; God wants to write a new chapter. The Devil knew God had a plan for you; that’s why he tried so hard to wipe you out. He doesn’t want you to live long enough to fulfill it. But the fact that you’re still here and able to read this says he failed, and that God’s not through with you! Notice the word “appointed.” There’s an appointment on God’s calendar with your name on it. “God has appointed another [future] for me.” There’s something good just over the horizon—something for your life, your marriage, your family, your career, your ministry. God has an appointed task for you to accomplish, and appointed blessings for you to enjoy. He has called you with an “eternal purpose” and He will bring it to pass.

Just when you think...

Just when you think things are going well, then they appear to be not.  *sigh*

I don't understand, but maybe I'm not supposed to.  I've learned that the Lord will sometimes let me go through a moment of uncertainty, confusion, and even a litte bit of despair so that I can re-focus my attention on Him... where it belongs. 

I'm trying my best to hope that this is one of those times and not anything I really need to worry about.

Everytime it feels things are unraveling in my life, I keep coming back to the same verse from Proverbs:  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and he will make your paths straight."

That last part is a promise from the Word.  I need to acknowledge Him and His importance in my life (above ALL other things and people) and He will take care of the rest.

For now, I am grateful for godly women from whom I can seek godly counsel and even the kick in the pants I need.  Right now I'm hearing the Lord say, "Be still and know that I am God." 

Okay Lord.  Settle my heart.  I'm ready to be still.

New York, new position, new possiblities...

NEW YORK

Uh, New York was amazing!

We did so much yet we didn't get to do enough.  You realy need a good month just to make a dent in that city.  Nevertheless, we left satisfied with all we were able to get done.  Even 3 days in the city would have left me giddy.  =)

Here's what we saw:

-Most importantly, the 9/11 Memorial.  It was something I will never forget and I feel honored to have been there.  It was so moving to me that Katie and I ended up sitting on a bench and saying a prayer for New York, the country, and the world.   The tears were flowing (people probably thought we had lost someone there.)

-The entire island of Manhattan via the Gray Line siteseeing tour and then later via the Empire State Building.... at night, all lit up.  It's a sight to see.

-The Statue of Liberty and Brooklyn Bridge via a water taxi.

-The underground and Coney Island via the subway.  =)

-Time Square EVERY DAY thanks to our hotel, the Algonquin, being situated literally a block and a half away.

-Macy's, Bloomingdales, Saks 5th Avenue, FAO Schwartz, Century 21, etc.  Yay shopping!

-Half of Central Park, including the zoo, on foot in one day (you can't REALLY do the whole thing in one day without some sort of transportation).

And so much more!!

I can't describe what an amazing trip it was.  I am so grateful to have been able to go... especially with my sister Katie.  It was a trip I will always cherish and never forget.   (How can I anyway?  I took about 500 pictures.  lol)

NEW POSITION

I started the new job yesterday.  I am so grateful.  It already seems that I am working with some awesome people, but only time will tell for sure.  For now, I am happy to be there and starting something new with new people. 

Thank you, Lord, for this amazing opportunity!  Please equip me to do my best.

NEW POSSIBILITIES

Months ago, someone reappeared in my life.  I met him once before very briefly about 2 years ago.  Never did I think that I would come into any kind of close contact with him again, nor did I think he would be anything other than an aquaintance if I did.

But alas, God always has other plans, doesn't He?

Now he has become someone very special to me.  Actually, I think that I can safely say the feeling is mutual.  I believe in my heart that he will continue to be a part of my life.  It's all up to God though, because after all He directs our steps and has a plan already worked out for each one of us.

Right now I'm just enjoying this new friendship and trusting that the Lord has everything under control.  =)

Thank you, Lord, for all of my News... =)

9 hours...

... and I'm on a plane to New York.  Finally!  :) 

This has been a year in the making.  I can't believe how quickly the year passed by, and it's been a blessed one at that.  Thank you, Lord. Please keep it coming.

Lord, please bless this trip and the time together with my sister.  Keep us safe.  Keep our flights safe.  Keep our travel safe.  Please also keep our family, friends, co-workers, and other special people in our lives safe while we are away.  May we behave in a way that honors you and may we serve you if and when the need arises. 

In Jesus' name, amen.

Here I come, Big Apple. :D

Last day or last days?

No.  This is not a post about the end times.... lol

So I THOUGHT today was going to be my last day at this department, but it appears I was never actually given an official release date (long story), so it may be pushed back a week. 

*sigh*

On one hand I'm sort of happy because I just didn't feel like it was quite over and didn't even have one goodbye lunch the entire week.  Most people know I don't like all the hoopla and attention, but that doesn't mean I didn't want to have one last lunch date with a few people I've grown to love, so I'm glad I may just get that opportunity afterall. 

On the other hand, I need to get out of here already.  There has been something special in the works, but it cannot get to the next level until I leave that place.  So I'm antsy to get my butt out of there so that this special something can get truly started already. 

Ay ay ay.... life is funny.   Oh well.  I'm just gonna roll with it.  One more week is not going to kill me... in both cases.

P.S.  3 more days and I'm eating pastrami and washing it down with pizza.  I love New York!!

Now I'm found...

Darn you, Jon Acuff.  It's like you know everything about me.  lol.    His latest SCL post hit home for me.  Especially this part:

I don’t care if you’re Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Mormon, Atheist or Agnostic. I think deep down inside, we all want to be found. We all want someone to come looking for us. We want people to be glad when they are with us. As Radiohead once said, “I want you to notice when I’m not around.”


That’s how I was in college. I was really insecure and was dating a girl that didn’t seem that concerned if I was around. So when we went to parties, I would get a little drunk and then hide. By “hide,” I really wish I meant “go outside and sit on a curb forlornly like a singer/songwriter waiting for inspiration.”

Alas, that is not what I meant. I used to go hide in closets. I would stand there in the dark of the closet, awkwardly shoved amidst coasts and shoes waiting for her to look for me. Wanting, more than anything those stupid nights, for her to notice I was missing. For her to come find me. For me to be found.

That was so me and admittedly, on a bad day, it might still be me some times.  The first memory I have of feeling this way and being sorely disappointed was when I was around six years old.  For some reason I became upset with my mom and I told her I was going to run away.  I took off down the street and ended up down at the pool (we lived in a gated community) on a bench.  I sat there and watched the street hoping to see my mom come frantically running down it, worried to death about me. 

She never came. 

I think that hurt more than anything.  My own mom didn't want to find me.   (She later told me that she saw where I ran off to and wasn't worried.  Thanks, Mom.  lol)

When I got older I would pull the same sort of dramatics, but I would take off in my car knowing full well that I had a cell phone so she could call me and "find" me.  There were times she would come out and try to talk to me or stop me or whatever, but in my mind I think I was still holding on to how she never came looking for me that one time.  So to me it was "too little, too late, lady!"

(Man, I'm glad the Lord has changed me because looking back at how I used to behave makes me want to jump into a time machine to go back and beat young, ridiculous self up. lol)

Anyway, reading this post makes me feel a little better about my past feelings... however ridiculous they were.  I guess I wasn't the only one who was looking to be found.  Everyone wants to be found, to be important, relevant, missed.

The great thing, though, is I can now look back and know that I was never alone.   God was with me through the whole thing.  He was waiting for me to get found.... by Him. 

Thank you, Lord.  There is no one like You.

Countdown 1 and Countdown 2

Countdown 1:  3 days

My last day with this department will be in 3 days.  After this Thursday I'm done, son.  SCARY!   In 3 days I have to wrap things up and say adios to people who sometimes knew more about what's going on in my life than my own family members. 

I'm a little nervous.  Change is scary.   I'm a lot excited though, so that's good.  Time to say good bye to the only LA County dept. I've ever known.   Who knows, though... I may be back.   For now, it's on to new horizons

Countdown 2:  6 days

YES!!! In less than one week, my booty will be on a plane to the GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD!   Woop woop!!   It's almost here.

I heart you NYC.   I will see you in no time.

For now, gotta do a mental check of my entire wardrobe.  Gotta make sure all my bases are covered.  You can't wear just ANYTHING to New York City.   It has to be casual, but chic.  Comfortable, but classy.   I also need to make sure I leave room in my luggage to bring stuff back.  Garment district, here I come!  lol.

Oh yay!!! 

=)

Can't wait!

More than enough...

I have had that song "Enough" by Chris Tomlin stuck in my head today.   I just now stopped and thought about what I've been murmuring/singing to myself all day:

All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough

Why is it so hard for me to actually live these words and mean them?   I want to--I really do.   I try and some days I'm actually successful in feeling totally at peace and satisfied and like God is sufficient.   But a lot of days I do not feel this.  I hate it.  I wish I could just tell God, "I trust you wholly and completely from this day forward because you ARE enough to satisfy my EVERY need," and SHAZAAM, full trust in the Lord... no doubts, no fears, no anxiety.   Complete peace.

But no.  I keep hoping for that earthly relationship.   Keep hoping for that "something" that will make me feel that much better about myself and life.   But for what?  It's only to satisfy what I think other people around me are expecting of me. 

It's stupid.   God is enough.   If I die tomorrow I will have had a full, complete, and fulfilled life solely because I knew Jesus.

Accept it, self.   Believe it.   Be at peace.

But waaaaaaait!

They called for my release date today.  As in my release day to go to my new position.   Normally, that would be just fine, but that means that because I am going to be off the week after next that I only have all of next week to tie up loose ends, pack my things, and say goodbye to these people.  

It's. Not. Enough. Time.    Aaaaaa!

I'm not ready!

Man, this is so bittersweet.   I'm exciting for my new gig, but it's going to hurt so much to say goodbye to many people.  People I have grown to love.  People who I spend most of my week with.  People who have prayed for me, rooted for me, encouraged me, believed in me.  Good people... who far outnumbered the bad.   And one very special person who I hope grows to become a very important part of my life...
*tear*

Well, I guess all I can say is, "here we go!"

12... and very blessed!

Yeah, my stupid fears yesterday are gone today.  God is good at reassuring me and making sure I know everything is okay.  Not that he owes it to me.  In fact, I deserve to sit in my paranoia and stupidity sometimes, but thankfully I don't get what I always deserve.  =)

Thank you, Lord!

I'm back to being excited.  12 days until New York.  Woop woop!

Also, back to being blessed, today I go for my fingerprinting for the new position.  Once that is cleared, they will be calling for my release date and I'm off.  It's very bittersweet.  I'm sad to leave these amazing friends and women of God, who the Lord sent to me so graciously, but I'm happy to start my new adventure....  I should say adventures.  I know that with this new job and movement another life adventure will also be starting.   Hopefully soon I will be able to start sharing more, but for now it remains under wraps.

Thank you, Lord, that I am so very blessed!

13... and unlucky?

13 days until I leave for New York City.   You would think I would be completely stoked today, but I'm not.  Other stuff in my personal life has got me anxious.

I hate it when things seem to be going so well and you are super happy and then all of a sudden the butterflies come.   These aren't the good butterflies though.   They are those butterflies that come when your mind starts wanting to tell you something is wrong... even though you really have no good evidence that something is in fact wrong. 

*sigh*

Blah!

I'm trying to remember the message that God gave me not too long ago about trusting in Him and not leaning on my own understanding.   I don't know all the facts and I don't know that anything is truly wrong.  I have to trust that God's got it under control.

Why is that so much easier to say than to do?

Double blah!

Dear18Me

Through Bryan Alain's site I found Dear18Me.   So good.  If only we could all go back and give our 18-year-old selves some solid advice (or maybe just some slaps in the face... lol).  Unfortunately, would any of us even have listened?  Probably not.  I can tell you I wouldn't.  I think every 18-year-old on the planet has their head stuck in their butt and thinks they know EVERYTHING because they are "an adult now" (hey, in England they can even drink).   Guess what 18-year-olds... you are SO not even close to being adults yet.

There is a lot 30-year-old me would say to my 18-year-old self, but if I could only say one thing it would be this:

Dear 18-year-old Me:

I'm not telling you anything about your future, because everything you are about to go through is completely necessary and I wouldn't want to change any of it.   Some of it's gonna be pretty cool, but most of it is going to be ROUGH... really rough... but you are going to get through it because even when you don't feel like it's the truth and you feel like you are going through this thing called life completely alone, God is with you and you are stronger with him than without him.  It's gonna be okay.  Hang in there...

Exciting times....

Wow.  In a little less than 3 weeks I will be in New York City... 19 days and counting.   My excitement level is building.  I. Can't. Wait.  =D

The thing I am now most looking forward to--aside from pigging out--is visiting the 9/11 memorial.  We have our reservations already and everything.  (Yes, you have to make reservations.)  I just feel so honored to be able to visit the memorial right after it has opened.  It's something I will be able to tell my children about. 

On the job front, I'm excited to share that I got a call from my future boss yesterday.  She informed me that the CEO has approved my promotion.  The paperwork is now at my new department's HR for final approval processing, which should be complete by the end of this week.  Then I get fingerprinted and when that comes back they call my current boss for a release date.  All this should occur within the next 3 weeks or so.   I think I'll end up starting the new job just as I'm returning from NYC.   I'm sure it will work out just fine. 

I'm super excited to start this new chapter in my life.  In my nearly 7 years with the County, I've only ever worked at one department.  It will be interesting to learn how other departments do things.  I'm sure I'll have my bumps along the way as the new kid, just like I did at my current department, but I have faith that God has me, so I'm more excited than anything to jump into something new and to meet new people.

Exciting times.  Exciting times.

P.S.  Finally going to lunch with someone very special today.  =)

A good wife...

An excellant wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is as rotteness in his bones.  Proverbs 12:4

He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord.  Proverbs 18:22

An excellant wife, who can find?  For her worth is far above jewels.  The heart of her husband trust in her, and he will have no lack of gain.  She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.  Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.  Proverbs 31: 10-12, 30

So apparently, a man is considered blessed when he finds a good wife.  =)  I want my husband to be blessed and therefore I want to be a good wife. 

In this world where everyone's favorite tune is "me me meeeeee," we've lost sight of what makes relationships work:  putting the other person's needs before our own.  Part of doing that is finding out what we can do to be a better partner to our spouses.  The answers are in the Word.

Looking at the above verses specificially, I hope and pray that I can someday (hopefully soon), be the kind of "excellant" wife described above.  Based off of the above I gather that an excellant wife:

• Brings no shame to her husband.  She's moral and upstanding, with a good reputation
• Is trustworthy and discreet.
• Thinks about her husband's best interest first.  She respects and honors him. 
• Fears and loves the Lord. 

I don't think those things are too much to ask of a wife--not at all--because you know, I would hope he would do the same also.


Lord in Heaven, while I wait patiently for my husband, please help me to be more like the "excellant" wife of your Word.  I definitely want to be a blessing to my husband and not a curse.  Thank you, Lord, for always preparing me for the blessings I know you have in store for me.  Amen.

Let's try this again...

Yesterday I went down to the Kia dealership with my beat-up, old Camry and came home with a brand new Forte.  Yay!  I'm so excited.  My first brand new car! 

Six years ago, I went to the Nissan dealership trying to find myself a brand new Maxima.  I went home with a used Audi that I really couldn't afford and wasn't even sure I wanted, and boy did it end up costing me.  I learned big lessons about when and how to spend the money that God has been so kind to let me have. 

This time I came into the car-buying experience a lot more humbly.  =)  (If someone would have told me I'd ever buy a Kia I would have laughed in their face.  Then I would have stopped for a second, and then started laughing again.  lol.

This time around, I am elated.  No feelings of regret.  No feelings of uncertainty. 

Thank you, Lord, for my new car.  I promise to take very good care of it.  =)

P.S.  God bless the families who lost loved ones on 9/11.  Yesterday might have been a happy day for me, but I will never forget, nor will I stop mourning, the loss we experienced that horrible day 10 years ago.  I can't wait to visit the memorial in 3 weeks so that I can pay my respects.  I feel so blessed to be able to do so.

GOD BLESS AMERICA!

Harvest

I'm at the first ever Harvest Crusade Los Angeles at Dodger Stadium.  The Spirit is moving.  AMEN!!

No quiero...

I don't want to...

... stay in this house much longer.  I hate to sound like I'm complaining, but.... I'm tired of doing 100 dishes daily that I didn't even dirty.  I'm tired of no air conditioning or heat.  I'm tired of someone using my makeup, shampoo, body spray, lotions, feminine products, etc.  What is no bueno is that I don't know how much longer the house-hunting thing is going to take.  Maybe until I do find something decent, I should start looking at apartments again.  I just need my own space.  *sigh*

... worry any more.   I know I worry too much and it's SINFUL.  Literally.  It shows a lack of full faith in the Lord.  I wish I didn't worry so much.  I wish "casting all my cares" on the Lord was as easy as taking the garbage out, dumping it, and walking away.  It's not. 

... be alone anymore.  Not even just romantically, but physically.  I'm ready for a partner with whom I can spend my free time and enjoy life.  The fact is, the older you get, the less people you find who are alone.  Everyone is paired up and they don't have time for those who aren't.  Me, myself, and I isn't cutting it anymore.

... wait, but I have to.  If I push things or try to make things happen myself, they will just get fouled up.  It happens EVERY time.   I have to leave things in God's hands and trust that he's working it out and knows things I don't know.  He can see the whole picture.

... feel sorry for myself, despite all of the above.  This life is not a waste, but it can feel like I'm wasting it sometimes. 

I gotta get myself out there.  Lord, put opportunities to serve you in front of me.  Help me to be grateful for the blessings I have.  Send me where you need me.  Do with me what you will...

UPDATE:

How convenient that this is today's scripture:

Psalm 143:10 - “Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.”

Our evil. God's glory.

"You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good." Genesis 50:20

Sometimes horrible things happen that seem to be pointless, but God takes these things and uses them for his glory.  In the 1950s, five missionaries went into the territory of one of the most deadly tribes of the Amazon, even though it was likely they would lose their lives, because they loved these people enough to share God's love with them.  They did die at the hands of these murderous people, but what God did with their deaths was amazing and unbelievable... almost impossible. 

Good thing with God, NOTHING is impossible...

Warning:  Prepare to bawls your eyes out on this one and the goodness of God.   =)

34

Pounds!

Yeah, as of today, I've lost 34 lbs.  I don't even know how to process that.  6 more and I'm down 40 lbs. 

Honestly, I don't think I really ever could have believed I would be capable of such a feat, but I'll take it!

Excuse me while I go do a little happy dance...

Don't Worry!

Lord, you always know what I need to hear the most!

Today's devotional from Word for You Today was exactly... I mean EXACTLY.... what I needed:

Don’t Worry About It

“Casting all your care upon Him, for he cares for you.” 1Pe 5:7 NKJV

Jesus said, “Do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For [non-believers] run after all these things” (Mt 6:31-32 NIV). One author writes: “The other day I was worrying about something when I heard a minister say, ‘Worry is a lack of trust in God.’ So then I began to worry over the fact that I was worrying. Then someone else said, ‘Just don’t worry about it.’ Sounds simple enough, but I come from a line of people who speak faith, but act out of fear. Then a friend came up with this novel idea: ‘Why don’t you try this worry coupon. It entitles you to worry as much as you like, but only if: (a) it will feed and clothe you; (b) it will add to your life instead of taking from it; (c) it will make tomorrow better; (d) you don’t mind acting like a non-believer!’ Then he said, ‘If that doesn’t work make a list of all the things you’re worrying about, place it in a box and put it up on a shelf where you can’t see it. If God is either unwilling or unable to take care of it, you can always go get the box and start worrying again—but at least give Him a chance. And while you are waiting for Him to answer, pray, stand on His Word and don’t give your worries a voice.’” The Amplified Bible says: “Casting the whole of your care [all your anxieties, all your worries, all your concerns, once and for all] on Him, for He cares for you.”

Hold me, Thrill me, Kiss me

There is nothing like the oldies when it comes to love songs....  =) 

*sigh*

Hold me, Thrill me, Kiss me
Mel Carter

Hold me, hold me
Never let me go until you've told me, told me
What I want to know and then just hold me, hold me
Make me tell you I'm in love with you

Thrill me (thrill me), thrill me (thrill me)
Walk me down the lane where shadows will be (will be) will be (will be)
Hiding lovers just the same as we'll be, we'll be
When you make me tell you I love you

They told me "Be sensible with your new love"
"Don't be fooled, thinking this is the last you'll find"
But they never stood in the dark with you, love
When you take me in your arms and drive me slowly out of my mind

Kiss me (kiss me), kiss me (kiss me)
And when you do, I'll know that you will miss me (miss me), miss me (miss me)
If we ever say "Adieu", so kiss me, kiss me
Make me tell you I'm in love with you

Second thoughts... the Update

So after all my fear and fretting (which by now I should know better than to do), everything with me pulling out of the Condo went fine. I called the Realtor up and she was totally understandable. She even said that if I was her daughter she would advise me against getting the place too because of the driving distance.

Phew!

So now the hunt is back on. I'm hoping I can find something just as great (or even better?), but a lot closer to where I'll be hopefully working very soon. The good thing is that if for some crazy reason this promotion is not approved, I'm looking in a place where I will be minutes from where I work now.... so it will work out either way.

I'm kinda excited to get out and look again. I'm not gonna lie.... it's fun. =)

Hope I can find my very own place very soon... and for real this time. lol.

Second thoughts...

So I was recently offered an amazing promotion and I jumped all over it, even though I know that the drive from where I'm trying to purchase my condo to work will be horrendously long. I couldn't pass up the opportunity, but now I'm having buyer's remorse... for the Condo.

Thankfully, it's not bought... yet.

When I agreed to commit to this particular place I really didn't foresee getting any kind of promotion in the near future and was fine with the location and how far it is from my current workplace. Well now that I know I will have to drive AT LEAST an hour and a half (one way) every day, I'm really not so sure about the location.

I've been waiting for a good 3 months now to hear back from the bank (it's a short sale). I still haven't gotten any news. I've also been sort of checking out condos a little closer to Downtown LA and the prices are really going down (a few months ago, the areas I was looking at were way out of my price range). I'm starting to think I might want to pull out of this one and start looking elsewhere.

The problem? My conscience. When my realtor put my offer in, she asked me if I was sure I wanted to commit because they had already had someone else walk away from the property in the middle of the process. I assured her that yes I was ready to commit.

Yeah, well that was before I got offered a job a million miles away.

I am a woman of my word and I don't make promises I don't intend to keep, but I also had no way of knowing that God had a huge blessing in store for me... So.... now I'm completely torn. I really don't want the house anymore. I really do want to look closer to work. I really don't want to let these people or my realtor down and definitely don't want anyone upset with me.

*sigh*

The other problem? Although I'm confident this job is mine, there is no guarantee until the paperwork is signed and approved. There is also no guarantee that the bank will approve the short sale.

Right now I don't know if I should call the realtor and tell her I want out so I don't waste anyone's time any more than I need to, or wait and see what happens. I have no idea.

I've been praying like crazy asking the Lord to tell me what to do, and so far I still don't know.

If it were up to me, I would just pull out, to be honest, but I want to make sure that what I want is exactly what the Lord wants for me also...

=(

Praying for enemies...

There is someone in my life right now who is…. well… shady. She is trying to play games. She thinks she is sneaky. She’s trying to mess with my life and my future.

Do I think she has the power to significantly affect me in a negative way? Heck no! I have God on my side. And that’s the thing… I have God, but does she?

I tend to think that people who play games and are underhanded, are people who are unhappy with life and with themselves and probably don’t truly have a real and close relationship with Jesus Christ. Those of us who love God may not always be so secure in ourselves and sometimes maybe even find ourselves jealous of others over blessings and situations that maybe we wish we were in (we are still human afterall), but because we love the Lord, we aren’t going to go out of our ways to make the lives of others more difficult because of that envy. I would hope not at least. I know I don’t behave that way.

In the end, no matter how weak in the Lord I might be for a moment, it’s still about honoring God and doing what Jesus told us, which is to treat others the way we want to be treated.

With that said, I know I need to pray for this girl. She needs the Lord. She needs him because “who can eat and who can have enjoyment without Him?” (Ecclesiastes 2:25) She needs him so that she can stop worrying about other people’s lives and start living her own.

Lord, help me to pray for this girl and to forgive her… and even to love her. Help her, Lord. She really needs you. Please also, Lord, don’t allow her to prevail against me or anyone else. Thank you, Jesus, that I know you have me always and there are 10 million verses in your word to back that up!

Prayer: All the difference in the world...

Lately I'm so thankful for prayer. Not just for my prayers and communications with the Lord, but for the prayer that people have covered me with. It really does make all the difference. When people are praying for you, you feel it. There is assurance and peace.

Thank you, Lord.

Right now I have a group of various women of God who are praying over me and another person. Normally in the type of situation they are praying for, I'm restless and unsure, but right now I feel totally at peace and like I know I can trust that the Lord has it. I know He does. I can now look back on my life and see that He has been with me and protective of me the whole time.

Thank you, Lord!

If you're a praying person, please keep me in your prayers. God knows what about. I just want His will and His will alone. Amen!

P.S. Off topic: I've now surpassed my original goal of 30 lbs lost and am at 32 lbs lost. Woohoo!! Exciting. =)

Oh and 35 days til NYC! =D

RIP Baby Girl...

There is so much hoopla going on right now in anticipation of the 10-year anniversary of 9/11. There is another 10-year anniversary that I know rocked my world. 10 years ago today, the singer/budding actress Aaliyah passed away in a plane crash.

Just like 9/11, I can remember exactly where I was when I found out that pretty much my favorite R&B singer of the time was dead. My friend Suzy and I were waiting to be called for a table at the Hard Rock Cafe at Citywalk (pretty fitting actually) when I got a call from my sister, "Aaliyah is dead. She died in a plane crash."

WHAT?!

It was surreal at first. I went on with dinner and kind of didn't think too much about it. When I got home though, it really hit me. My sisters and I were really devastated. What didn't help was the following couple of days working at the Tollgate at Six Flags. EVERY SINGLE car that pulled up to pay for parking was bumping some radio stations all-day tribute to Aaliyah. I literally had to go home early one day because I couldn't take it. That's how much I loved her.

Looking back, it's still so sad. She was really on the rise and she was so talented. Who knows what would have become of her if she would have lived. Just like Selena and others gone before their times, we'll never know. The great thing is that she left behind some great music: Four Page Letter, Are You that Somebody, One in a Million, etc.

Aw. Sad day. =( RIP "Baby Girl"

God's formula....

Oh man, I needed this:

The perfect formula for God. | Stuff Christians Like – Jon Acuff

Darn you, Jon Acuff, and your tear-jerking posts.... =)


Oh, and my favorite comment from a reader:
"If my God is small enough to predict...He isn't big enough to worship."

Amen!

Think happy thoughts...

The following blog post is designed to take my mind off of my current troubles and help me think happy thoughts. Here goes nothin...

40 Days.

40 days til Time Square, Central Park, Brooklyn, pizza, boots & scarves, Broadway, taxis, Grand Central Station, delis and pastrami sandwiches, World Trade Center, Serendipity, Harlem, etc.

=)

Seems like forever ago that my sister and I started planning this trip to New York City and in just a little over one month, we will finally be there. To say I'm excited is an understatement. I. Cannot. Wait.

I know it's going to be AMAZING! Oh, NYC, I love you so very much! You are my most favorite city in the whole wide world! I'm coming, baby.

$990

$990 is how much it is estimated that I will now be paying in mortgage payment (if this short sale is ever approved) now that the interest rates have gone down. That is like the going rate for a studio apartment right now. Crazy! Man, the Lord is so good to me. That was pretty much the ideal amount of money I wanted to have to pay every month, and if the rates still continue to go down before the bank approves the short sale, I'll be even more blessed.

Man, thank you, Lord. You always give me so much more than I even deserve. Wow! And with this new promotion, if it too is approved, I will be able to save up some money and hopefully give back to Your kingdom.

Oh Lord God Almighty, please continue to shower me with your favor, even though I don't deserve anything wonderful. You are amazing!

Forgive me also for not trusting in you enough. You know my circumstances and I know that you are protecting me and looking out for my best interests. Thank you, Lord. Thank you that I have nothing to fear because you are on my side. Thank you that you are my advocate and my defender. Thank you that no harm can come to me because of you.

Amen!

Sometimes, looking at the good things that are going on helps you to see how unimportant the bad things are. This blog was a good idea. =)

Encouragement...

Why are you discouraged, my soul?
Why are you so restless?
Put your hope in God,
because I will still praise him.
He is my saviour and my God.

Psalm 42:5

AMEN!

When your instincts are telling you the truth...

I just got back from a turnaround trip from LA to stateline (the border of California and Nevada).  It was a work charitable giving thing.  I knew I shouldn't have gone, but I went anyway.

I'll say it again.  I knew I shouldn't have gone.

My instincts told me that the person who invited me was not someone I could trust, but I went anyway, despite warnings from a trusted person, because I like to give people the benefit of the doubt... even though everything in me wanted to pull out and not go.  I should have listened to my inner voice.

Have I mentioned that I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE GONE?  lol

Well, now it's confirmed that I can't trust this person and she's out to get me, and never again will I let my guard down with her.  I won't get into what happened or why I can't trust her... all I'll say is that I don't trust women for a reason and I think this trip for her was a case of "keep your enemies close," not her trying to be my actual friend.

From now on, she will be kept at arms length.  She has no power to do anything significant to me because I have God on my side, but she's definitely now someone I have to watch out for.  Pretty sad.

I guess the only thing I can do is pray for her, since afterall we are called to love our enemies and pray for them.  Help me with this one, Lord.

All of a sudden the verses from this previous post are extremely relevant...

My own understanding...

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

I read this passage in a whole new way. Whenever I've read it, I understood it to say, "Trust in the Lord completely and don't trust in the things you know/learned through life." Today I read it as, "Trust in the Lord completely, and don't trust in what you THINK you know in a situation."

I do that a lot. I think I know about a situation, even when I don't have all the facts, and I jump to conclusions.

Then WHAM! Guess what, Kristina? You had no idea what you were talking about. Stop trying to be in control and let God handle it. That is what he's saying to me  in this verse.

The next one (verse 6) says, "In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."  The only thing you need to do is acknowledge he's in control and he'll figure out the rest.

It's so dang simple. Simple information for simple people. Yet we still don't get it.

Man, Lord, You are so awesome. You really are patient with us. I'm so glad I am not You because I'm not as patient and gracious. I would have gotten fed up with me and given up a long time ago. I might have even laid the smackdown on me. lol

Love you, Lord. Thanks for your little truths...

Shipwrecks...

Had to share this blog post from Stuff Christian's Like.... The video he shares is strangely profound.  Raw, but touching.  Yeah....  Have a look.

Fearless trust...

Someone special sent me this passage from Psalm 27 this morning and I thought I would share.

Psalm 27

A Psalm of Fearless Trust in God.
A Psalm of David.

1 The LORD is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the defense of my life;
Whom shall I dread?

2 When evildoers came upon me to devour my flesh,
My adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell.

3 Though a host encamp against me,
My heart will not fear;
Though war arise against me,
In spite of this I shall be confident.

Wow.  What a beautiful reminder that no matter what, God is with us and therefore we can trust him and have absolutely nothing to fear.   Thank you, Lord!

I think this special person is a keeper.  =)

Operation Scare-the-Living-Daylights-Outta-Kristina

So, in my previous post I mentioned that I was surprised with a party for my 30th birthday. Well, what had happened was....

A couple of months ago, my sister Katie started asking me what I wanted to do for my 30th birthday. Every year I have to plan my own thing and every year it doesn't work out as planned, for various reasons. This year, I decided I wasn't going to do a thing. I knew Katie and I were already planning our big trip to New York City (48 days and counting!!!! Yay!!!), so I was okay with just that right there. I also kind of just figured this is an important birthday and if people don't feel the need to give me a break from planning duties and do something for me, than forget it. It's not worth all the fuss ([Pity party start] and apparently neither am I! [Pity party end]). Well, Katie started throwing around the idea of a small family dinner. I was okay with that because little by little people were making plans to do things. I knew that I was going to have a great birthday, even without a huge fuss, so the fact that nobody was throwing around huge ideas for what we could do really didn't bother or offend me.

I was just going with the flow. Really never expecting that for once these people were actually planning something huge (that's usually MY job) and planning for months at that. Apparently, there were many occasions were I almost blew my own surprise (like the time I wanted to plan a trip to go wine tasting the same weekend.... that was how I found out about the "family dinner" at a restaurant that my sister had to "pull strings" to get us a "reservation" at.... all a cover, of course.). I can honestly say I was completely oblivious. lol.

Well, they got me. They really got me good.

In the days leading up to the "family dinner," I decided I was going to buy myself a cute and short dress and get all dolled up for my night. "I'm gonna look hot on my birthday night... I don't care where we go." So when the night arrived, I put my dress and make up on and got all cute, thinking I'm going to some fancy restaurant in LA or Hollywood or even Bevery Hills (Ooooo.... aaaaaahhhhhh....). Maybe we would even see a celebrity and I was going to be prepared with my cute outfit. ;)

Or not.... Hahaha! (And I should have known when I saw my sister in a somewhat casual outfit and had to ask her a few times if she was sure that I wasn't over-dressed.)

As we are leaving the house, my sister tells me she forgot to pay the rent and hands me the envelope to drop it off (another time I should have known something was fishy because it was not time to pay rent yet! lol). I look at her like she's crazy, since I have like 3- or 4-inch heels on and hand it back. We get to the front of where we live... where there is obviously a party going on in the clubhouse (once again, oblivious). Then my sister hands me the envelope again and tells me she forgot the directions and that she's going to drop me off while she runs back to the house. I'm like, "Seriously!? You're gonna make me go up these stairs in these heels and this dress in front of the security guard?" Needless to say, I was a little annoyed... especially because this is a new security guard who happens to be cute. =) Also, because I can see that there is a party going on and I don't want these people thinking that I'm coming to their party.

So I get out of the car and sneak my way up the stairs. I think to myself, "I'm just going to slip this in the slot and then sit on this bench so these people don't think I'm trying to come in." I walk right up to the slot and then hear rustling by the door. I immediately think someone is opening the door because they think I'm trying to come in. Crap! Next thing you know the door is open and there is a loud, echoing "SURPRISE!!!!" My first reaction? First, I thought, "these people are confusing me with the person they are trying to surprise," (yes, still clueless) and simultaneously, as I'm thinking this, I'm putting my hand up to protect myself and letting out every cuss word I can think of. (Shameful, I know..... and in front of children! lol)

This is the thing.... I can sit on YouTube all day and watch people getting the crap scared out of them and think it's the funniest thing ever, but if you roll up on me making a loud noise or scare me in general, the ghetto comes out in me and I'm either cussing or punching (or both) you out. It's just a fact. Thankfully, I only cussed. Hahaha! (Sorry, Lord.... and my nieces who were standing right in front of me. Oops! It was pretty much involuntary.)

Anyway, once I put my protective shield (my hand) down, I look over and just see people. When I finally focus I see my friend Suzy and think, "I know her." That's when I realize that this is for me. I walk in and just start telling them that they all suck and they really got me. I had to keep telling myself, "don't be angry... be happy... smile." The instant anger subsided however when people started saying things like, "oh my gosh! You look so great!" and "Oh my gosh, I've never seen you in a dress," and "You look so skinny." Yeah, that's the type of stuff that will make anyone's anger go away. Hahaha!

One thing I have to admit to: I was a little disappointed that I didn't get to go to a facy restaurant. LMBO! Oh well, this was even better!!!!

All I can say from that moment and for about an hour was that everything felt so surreal. They did an amazing job. The food was great. The theme was awesome!!!! 80s!!! The room was covered in movie posters from some of my favorite movies (Goonies, Pretty in Pink, Back to the Future, The Breakfast Club, etc.)! They had a candy table, which included wax lips (I LOVED wax lips when I was little and had just told them about how I insisted on having them at my 6th birthday). They thought of EVERY detail.... down to the big pink cake that was a replica of the cake from Sixteen Candles. You know, the one on the table at the end when Samantha and Jake Ryan kiss. It was so cool!

So many people showed up too... there was even a friend from High School and other people I've worked with over the year. Most of my aunts and uncles were there, including my uncle who came all the way from Poway, which is near San Diego. It really was very special. I felt SO SPECIAL.
All jokes aside, it was AMAZING.

At the end of the day, I don't deserve so much attention. God knows I have my issues. I know I'm not always the easiest person to be around. Sometimes I need to watch my mouth and think before I react. I'm a sinner and I mess up... and sometimes I act like I'm entitled, but the fact is, I'm unworthy. When people do things like this for me, or when God shows any kind of favor towards me, I begin to remember just how unworthy and undeserving I am. Even more importantly, I get a giant snapshot of how blessed I REALLY am.

Thank you, Lord.

I couldn't have asked for better....

Life happens...

First of all, sorry Blog (and my one follower) for not checking in for awhile. As you can see, I am alive. =)

I have been uber busy lately. The entire month of July was one giant celebration. I was so spoiled. I even got a giant surprise party where I was..... SUPRISED. Big time. They scared the living daylights out of me and there was definitely some cussing involved. (Oops!) Hey, I'm not good with being surprised or scared. They are lucky no one got punched. It was great though and I can definitely say I am super blessed and felt very loved.

Happy 30th Birthday to me!!! It definitely was happy... I will post a more detailed blog about what went down very soon. Promise.

Moving on....

I'm going to be upfront with you, Blog. I haven't been around much because I was way too wrapped up in Facebook (FB). The thing is, I could easily access my FB account via my phone, but it wasn't so easy to access you since I don't like to use the Internet at work too much. Don't want to get into trouble. So yeah.... I went with the easy choice. Sorry.

Well, as of this past Thursday, FB went bub-bye. I deactivated my account. There was one incident that occured the day before that was the tipping point, but in all actuality, there were many incidences and I have just decided that FB's cons far outweigh it's pros. It's too bad, because I was so glad to be in contact with long lost people from the past. I just couldn't deal with the drama, misinterpretations, back-stabbing, being stalked by weirdos, etc. I'm done. Sayonara sucka!

I actually felt an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders once I did it. No more being tied to my phone 24/7 wanting to know all the latest. The whole day was quite relaxing actually. Ultimately, even without the drama, FB should not be something that takes up so much of my time. That's what Reality TV is for anyway.... LOL. Just kidding. No, seriously though. All the time spent on FB could have been used somewhere else.... like praising/serving/communicating with God maybe? Yeah....

In other, better, amazingly awesome news....

I have been offered a very significant promotion to another Department. How significant? I'm skipping right through 4 secretary levels above what I currently hold. That is AMAZING and only from God. To Him be the glory because I know if it was purely on what I "deserve" I wouldn't be getting a darn thing.

Thank you, Lord, for your favor, even when I'm not doing as well as I can be in my relationship with you. You are TOO GOOD to me!

This promotion will enable me to pay my mortgage (STILL waiting for approval on the condo by the way) AND be able to live comfortably and maybe even get a better car with better gas mileage (and I'll definitely need it because I'll be driving far once I do move!). It is such a major blessing, I can't even explain to you.

Also good news:  I officially made my goal on Weight Watchers.  30 lbs lost!  Woop woop!!!!  I can't believe it.  It still feels too good to be true, but I'll still take it.  In fact, I decided to extend the goal to 40 lbs.  I'm going to try it out and see what happens.  I also ordered a brand new elliptical and I'm going to start getting back on the exercise wagon.  I definitely, if anything, want to start toning up now.  Who knows.... maybe by this time next year, I'll be able to rock a bikini.....  Okay, wishful thinking, I know.  lol

Sobre el amor...

Still no main squeeze, but it's okay.  I have been meeting people and getting out there and have discovered that maybe God's glad I'm doing that, but that doesn't mean that he's necessarily going to produce anyone right away.  There is one surprisingly one person at work, of all places, that might be a possibility, but only God knows exactly who it will be.  My job right now is to believe and have faith that "someone" is in the works at all and that God has my back.  In any case, hopefully my house will be approved soon and I can get back to my church, cause with all the guys there, if God doesn't have my sweetie waiting for me there, then I might have to come to grips with the idea that he (my sweetie) doesn't exist.....

NAH!   I'll never give up on the idea that he's out there waiting for God to help us find each other.  ;)

Okay, well that's all I got for now.  Tootles...

Oh, and P.S.  Happy birthday to my Mom!!  Crazy broad... lol

Sharing some pics of Quinn and his big sis....

I still haven't been by to see Quinn, but I've been texted a bunch of great pics.  I'm a proud tia!!!

Alexis LOVES her brother.   I'm glad, cuz I wasn't so nice.  From what I hear, I tried to flush my sister down the toilet and tried to put her through a cycle in the dryer.  Hahaha!  I must have known she was going to give me problems down the line.   LOL.   Just kidding.... ;)

It's heeeeeeeere... and so is my nephew...

*shudder*

July is here.  My 30th birthday is in T-minus 17 days.  Aaaaaaaaa!!!

LOL.  Just kidding.  I'm not freaking out.... yet.

I have so much going on right now to really freak out. 

QUINN

My nephew Quinn was born 4 days ago on July 5.  He was 8 lbs, 9 oz.   (Now that's more like it!  Alexis was only like 7 lbs, which is tiny for my family.)  Because of all the drama with my sister and brother-in-law, I am waiting a little before I go see him.  I don't really want to have to come into too much contact with my sister's husband, if I can avoid it.  I just don't feel it's necessary.

ANYWAY, we are thanking God for our new addition to the family.  Babies are always a blessing and becoming an aunt never gets old.  =)

HOUSE

Still waiting on the bank to approve my offer. Hopefully soon and then we can go into Escrow, which hopefully won't take too much longer after that. I hope this happens sooner rather than later, because I'm ready. I'M SO READY.

WEIGHT LOSS

I'm officially down 26 lbs and holding (because I've been having a little too much fun lately... lol).  After my birthday, I'm going to hunker down again so that I can get down to my goal of 30 lbs.  If I lose that much I'll be happy.  If I lose more than that, I'll take it!  =)    Either way, I'm feeling great and enjoying feeling comfortable in my own skin and the seemingly neverending compliments I get.  Trying not to grow a ginormous head though.... ;)

REST OF LIFE

Things are weird lately.  I think I've just come to a few realizations:

• I need to get back to my church.  Life sucks without God's constant presence.  It's just not working without Him.  (Hurry, bank!)

• I can't have the type of relationship with my other sister that I've always wanted.  She will forever view me as the mentally jacked-up, fragile person I USED TO BE.  She will never respect me as a woman.  It doesn't matter how much I change.  It's partly my fault because of the YEARS of crap I put these people through when I was struggling with depression, but nevertheless, sometimes I just want to scream, "can't you see I've changed already!?!?!?!?!?!?!"   But it's just not going to happen.   I hate to say it, but I just need to live a separate life and not share so much with my family members anymore... well, at least not vulnerable stuff.  ANY moment of vulnerability immediately gets construed as weakness and me reverting back to who I used to be, instead of what it is:  a momentary emotional reaction to a negative situations that has occured.   Key word:  MOMENTARY.   The ones who haven't changed here are my family members.

• Playing off this last point.... I know it sounds mean, but I am ready to move on from everyone in my life.  Just want to start over with people who don't know me and don't have pre-formed judgements of who THEY think I am.  I'm getting tired of drama and finding out that I can't tell anyone anything without it getting out.  The sad thing is that this includes my own family members.  Sometimes I feel like I just can't trust anyone's word or that they truly have MY best interests at heart.   There is maybe one person in my life right now that I actually feel comfortable coming to with things without the whole world finding out or without judgement, and that's probably because this is someone who doesn't know my family or other friends.  Funny, but true.

• Dating around is okay, but I really just need to stick with believers and believers only.  Don't want to play with fire. 

• Overall, I need to get my stuff together and re-focus back on the Lord.  (See first point above. lol)

That's my update.  In the words of the Terminator, "I'll be back...."

The business of going bonkers while biding my time for something better...

Today has to be one of the most boring and unproductive days this year. I could so be doing this at home, but no. I have to make that “paper”, as they say… cash money, son. I will have a mortgage soon and that mortgage must be paid… ‘cause I sure don’t have a rich hubby or sugar daddy who’s going to pay it. Lol.

I just really don’t like not having anything to do. I always feel like my job isn’t up to par with my skill and efficiency levels. I should be at a much higher level than I am at the moment.

There’s just one problem: my face.

No, I don’t have a giant mole on the center of my nose. I know it’s not my teeth, or I’ve wasted 2 years of my life and $6,000 on Invisalign. I’m pretty sure I’m not hideous to look at. No, none of these things. What’s the problem? I have the face of a girl 8 years younger and therefore, in the minds of those with whom I have interviewed, I’m not ready for, nor can I handle, a higher level secretarial position.

REVERSE AGISM!!! I tell you!

It’s funny, but it’s not. I know people are like, “Really? You’re complaining that you look years younger than you are?” Well, now that I’m about to be a single, childless 30-year-old, heck no! I’m loving it.

I just don’t love people making assumptions about someone who LOOKS young, when all you have to do is look at my resume and performance evaluations (I’ve gotten Outstanding on my last 2 years of evals… thank you very much!).

*sigh*

I know at the end of the day, it’s God who is in control and maybe HE just doesn’t think I’m ready, but at the same time I can’t possibly believe that it’s His will that I sit around on my butt being completely unproductive. That’s no way to serve Him. Maybe I just need to take more initiative???? How? There is only so much filing someone can do…..

Somebody tell me how before I go cuckoo……

Going back up again...

I know I am blessed.  I know this is MY year.  For the first time, the good things that happen to me far outweigh the bad.  I love it!   I love that I can see it!   God is good to me, despite myself.   =)

I was down for just a moment last week about the job and guy thing, but I'm over it. 

I stopped communicating with him and then, through different educational resources (both Christian and secular), realized that my problem was that I was trying to do the take-action, guy thing instead of letting him do that.  He's the guy... that's his job and guys like that jobm and when we let them do it, it helps them to like us even more. 

Oops.  Won't be doing that again.  ;)

Well, I stopped communicating and sure enough he got curious.  It was nice that the theory was proved, but he still didn't poke his head around enough and take action, so I'm pretty much no longer very interested and leaving that one alone.  I am chocking it up to a learning experience on what NOT to do. 

I love learning things and changing, so I'm actually happy for this experience.  I'm starting to see what works and what doesn't.  It's nice to feel like you have a game plan (for lack of a better term--it's definitely not about playing games).    I want to be the girl who is easygoing, not controlling, and can communicate her feelings in a way that makes a man respond positively instead of negatively (freaking out and running.... lol). 

We'll see what happens.  I have promised myself that I will not be committing to anyone for 6 months because of all I have going on.  So for now it's practice, practice, practice!


I heard some promising news about my house.  We are still waiting for bank approval, but they think it looks good.  I am excited, but not letting myself get too excited.   I almost bought some candlesticks for the house the other day, but stopped myself.  I know it's silly, but I feel like if I buy anything I will jinx everything.  =)


My sister is about to give birth and we still haven't seen each other since St. Patrick's day.   It's kinda strange, but at the same time, it really doesn't illicit any strong feelings on my part.  I just miss my niece, Alexis. 

The other day, the Lord impressed it upon my heart to have a spirit of reconciliation, so I texted my sister.  I basically apologized for hurting her in anyway and told her that I don't want to have problems because the Lord commands us to forgive. I also told her that our relationship will never be what it was, but I still love her and my niece and nephew. 

She responded saying that she forgave me and knows that much of what happened was her doing.  She also added that she loves me no matter what. 

That was that.  I don't think it will and frankly don't want it to lead to us going back to speaking and sharing our lives with each other, but at least I know I can be around my sister and not have a large amount of animosity toward her.  My brother-in-law on the other hand.... lol.  

Seriously, though, I love my sister and the kids, but I really don't want anything to do with that man anymore.  I don't NEED to have him in my life and I don't WANT to have him in my life.  I think I have to forgive him because that's what Jesus commanded us to do, but there is nowhere I know of in the Bible that says I need to have him in my life or ever even be in his presence, so yeah.

Anyway, things are good.  Hopefully very soon I will be able to anounce a new house and a new member of the family.  =)

Thank you, Lord, for your abundant and undeserved blessings.  I know I don't deserve them AT ALL, but by all means, keep them coming.  =)