I know that sounds horrible. I know it’s stupid, but it’s how I FEEL right now, whether it’s the truth or not. In reality, I know that God is not letting me down. He’s after my best interest and whatever will bring glory to His name, but that doesn’t change my FEELINGS right now.
God doesn’t owe me anything. I owe Him. I know this. BUT He also said, “Ask and it shall be given to you.” He also put certain desires in us. Right now I feel like I’ve asked and asked and asked for the one thing that He gave me the desire for: Marriage. Yet over and over and over I am denied it.
I just wish for one day I could know exactly what His plan is for me so that I can accept it and move on with my life. If I’m to be single forever, let me know now so that I can move on and focus my attention and desire somewhere else.
Okay okay, I know I just answered my own question. My desire and focus should be on Him. Yes, but why then does He give me this immense desire for family?
I’m just confused and tired of worrying about it. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of being alone. I’M TIRED OF BEING ALONE!
The holidays are here. New Years is next. Then my oh-so-favorite holiday (yes, that’s sarcasm), Valentine’s day. All times where people hate to be alone the most, including me.
I repeat: I’M TIRED OF BEING ALONE!
Anyway, I feel so down about all this crap and kind of unremorseful for being upset with God. So I did a Yahoo Search of “angry towards God.” What I got was an interesting piece on how anger with God actually shows that we have a relationship with Him:
“…anger implies a perceived relationship, regardless of real or imaginary. Therefore, it is crucial to recognize that when a person becomes angry with another it confirms that there is a perceived relationship. Generally, we are angered most by the actions of those who are close to us. We are not as angered when someone along the freeway or the street makes an obscene gesture at us. But if our loved one does not use what we consider the ‘proper’ tone of voice when asking for a cup of coffee, then we are hurt for hours or perhaps even days. Thus, the closer we perceive a person to be to us, the more we sense anger when that person does something which we consider
inappropriate.”
[…]
“No matter how directly or indirectly we blame God for our troubles, suddenly we are awakened with an unpleasant reality: The attributes, responsibilities and expectations that we set upon God are not fulfilled! As a result, we become angry with God!!! This moment can be a moment of greater understanding and intimacy with God, or it can be a moment of further distancing between God and us. The choice is often ours. However, regardless of the outcome, it confirms that we have a relationship with God, even though we may not have articulated and expressed it clearly in the past. This is an exciting moment for the person seeking a deeper and more fulfilling understanding of life through spirituality, that is, our relationship
with God.”
I do believe God is there and has control over my life. I guess I just need to let go and get over myself, but it’s hard. It’s hard not to feel like, “when am I gonna get mine?” I suppose if I was really going to get mine, I would be getting a fast trip to hell, because that’s what I really deserve. *sigh*
I’m sorry, Lord. Help me out here. I don’t want to be angry with You, but please bear with me while I am… It will go away soon enough…
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