Blech...

Man, I was feeling so good and upbeat yesterday and then I had to go and see pics taken of me at the Wedding. I looked horrible. I was shocked. I mean, I know I had been putting on a little bit of weight, but I had been excercising regularly for the last few months, but I guess it didn't work. I looked like sh**. It didn't help either that all of the other bridesmaids were like size 2s. =(

The sad thing was that I was feeling pretty cute that day and thinking I didn't look too bad. Plus, the photographer was totally trying to flirt with me and he wasn't too bad looking... probably 40-years-old, but nevertheless not bad. So, I got a little ego boost there. Yes, I was the chubbiest, but I didn't think I was that much larger than the other girls... I was literally twice the size and, as I predicted, these Morales broad shoulders made me look like a white Incredible Hulk. =*( This is so depressing. I hate myself right now. It's so disheartening when you've been trying to eat better and excercise practically everyday and nothing. NOTHING!

I was looking at myself in these pictures and thinking, "Seriously, if I was a guy, I wouldn't be attracted to myself. I would pass me up in a heartbeat." I do hear from people that I'm pretty, but I just don't see it. Honestly and truly. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and my eye is not seeing anything beautiful when it looks in the mirror or in photographs. Rarely do I think I am attractive (especially when my hair is pulled back). Sometimes I think I look okay, but never spectacular. I hate that about myself. I wish just for one day I could know what it was like to be a "hot chick." Just one day.

I guess that just wasn't in the cards for me... No matter how much weight I lose, how small my arms are, how long my hair is, how much make-up I put on, how much black I wear, I will never ever look good enough in my own eyes... let alone the world's.

These are the times when I just want to give up, hole myself up in the house, and just eat whatever I want all day until I get so fat that I just die... alone and surrounded by cats...