Now I'm found...

Darn you, Jon Acuff.  It's like you know everything about me.  lol.    His latest SCL post hit home for me.  Especially this part:

I don’t care if you’re Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Mormon, Atheist or Agnostic. I think deep down inside, we all want to be found. We all want someone to come looking for us. We want people to be glad when they are with us. As Radiohead once said, “I want you to notice when I’m not around.”


That’s how I was in college. I was really insecure and was dating a girl that didn’t seem that concerned if I was around. So when we went to parties, I would get a little drunk and then hide. By “hide,” I really wish I meant “go outside and sit on a curb forlornly like a singer/songwriter waiting for inspiration.”

Alas, that is not what I meant. I used to go hide in closets. I would stand there in the dark of the closet, awkwardly shoved amidst coasts and shoes waiting for her to look for me. Wanting, more than anything those stupid nights, for her to notice I was missing. For her to come find me. For me to be found.

That was so me and admittedly, on a bad day, it might still be me some times.  The first memory I have of feeling this way and being sorely disappointed was when I was around six years old.  For some reason I became upset with my mom and I told her I was going to run away.  I took off down the street and ended up down at the pool (we lived in a gated community) on a bench.  I sat there and watched the street hoping to see my mom come frantically running down it, worried to death about me. 

She never came. 

I think that hurt more than anything.  My own mom didn't want to find me.   (She later told me that she saw where I ran off to and wasn't worried.  Thanks, Mom.  lol)

When I got older I would pull the same sort of dramatics, but I would take off in my car knowing full well that I had a cell phone so she could call me and "find" me.  There were times she would come out and try to talk to me or stop me or whatever, but in my mind I think I was still holding on to how she never came looking for me that one time.  So to me it was "too little, too late, lady!"

(Man, I'm glad the Lord has changed me because looking back at how I used to behave makes me want to jump into a time machine to go back and beat young, ridiculous self up. lol)

Anyway, reading this post makes me feel a little better about my past feelings... however ridiculous they were.  I guess I wasn't the only one who was looking to be found.  Everyone wants to be found, to be important, relevant, missed.

The great thing, though, is I can now look back and know that I was never alone.   God was with me through the whole thing.  He was waiting for me to get found.... by Him. 

Thank you, Lord.  There is no one like You.