This will make you fall asleep...

"I don't want to go through the motions. I don't want to go one more day... Without Your all consuming passion inside of me. I don't want to spend my whole life asking, 'what if I had given everything, instead of going through the motions.'"

Meh.

I feel just like that--like I am just going through the motions. Wake up. Go to work. Go home. Sometimes go to church. Repeat. There is no passion and no fire. There is nothing to look forward to. I come home to a cat and some parents. I don't say much. Eat, watch TV, go to bed. It's dull and lifeless. It's mundane. It's BORING. I need the Lord to bring a revival into my heart. Set my heart ablaze, God. Otherwise, I'm just a robot right now.

The days are slow, yet flyby. I'll be 30 soon. Yikes.

This weekend was strange, but it had it's good points. It started early when I went home early on Thursday because I was practically having a mental breakdown. For some reason, my monthly friend literally made me CRAZY this time around. After some snafus and just general frustration with pre-existing issues, I finally just went home. It was the best thing for me at the moment. I really believe that I may have walked out for good if I didn't make the decision to semi-calmly leave for the day.

On Saturday, Katie and I took Maddie to see Mary Poppins at the Ahmanson Theatre. Then afterward we had to take her home because her mom was upset about something that happened at school. Yay. Thanks for cutting our fun day short, lady. We didn't even get to take her to dinner.

After that drama, Katie and I had some Denny's and then went to Sandy's for a last-minute birthday BBQ for Miguel's birthday.

Miguel is hitting the big time. Opening business after business. Miguel and I are cut from the same cloth. Good, productive people (we both happen to still be virgins too) who just can't seem to catch a break with love. I told Miguel that we should marry each other if we hit 40 and are still alone. =) For now I'll take just being his personal assistant so I can get out of this stinkin job and work for someone I actually respect.

Speaking of love, I sort of admitted out loud to my sister that I don't believe that God will bless me with marriage and kids. I don't believe I have lost faith in God in general. I do believe that He loves me and will continue to bless me, despite not deserving it, but I've pretty much lost all hope in ever being married or having kids. Maybe I am just selfish... I don't know. I will admit that I'm impatient. I can't lie and say that I have hope right now that I will still be blessed in this way. Sometimes I think it was coming, but somewhere along the way, like everything else important to me, I fouled it up.

Sunday, I didn't make it to church because we ended up heading down to LA to buy an almost-new dining set that we found on Craigslist. My friend Mike's pregnant wife, Alycia, came with so we could use her truck to transport our new purchase. We treated her (and baby) to some Shakey's. It was nice to spend some time with her.

Afterwards we went to Big Lots to check out some other potential buys. We left with a really nice dark wood shelf unit (yes, I was surprised that they even had "nice" stuff). I put the thing together at the house pretty much by myself and we all definitely agreed that it fit in with our vision for the house. I have to say that after we've purchased everything we want to get, the place is going to be looking pretty nice. Can't wait.

I can't wait for a change. Can't wait to have my own say in things.

For now, back to the real world and feeling trapped....