Trapped... by me

*long sigh*

Life.

I truly believe that some people were born with more burdens than others. God’s will for some people’s lives involves a little more suffering than others. It’s not fair, but then it is because His will is always fair and right… we just don’t always get to understand it.

I think I was one of those who have a little more burden than others. God saw fit to allow me to be born with a melancholy disposition. I’m prone to depression. I’m a classic self-pitier. I don’t have really cool things “happen” to me very often. I’m usually disappointed with life.

I believe that part of this is just my destiny. But a lot of it is me.

Right now, I hate work. I go through cycles of this. I will be at a position and start to hate it, wishing that I could go somewhere “better.” Then magically I’m given the option to move on. I get excited, thinking that this next place will solve my problems. Then I go right back to hating work again. For a long time I thought it was the County. The County is not perfect and most certainly could use some improvement in the area of personal relations amongst staff, but I’m starting to see that it’s not just the County. It’s me.

I don’t know for sure why I can’t be happy being anywhere too long, but I can’t help thinking it has to do with my wanting to married so badly.

I feel like I was created to be a mom and a wife. Everything else is just a hobby until that happens. I will never love “doing” anything as much as I will love the job of wife and mom. At least this is how I feel. It’s like wanting to be a lawyer from a very young age and not being able to get a job in a law firm right away. You keep looking for that job that you REALLY want, but in the meantime you still gotta make ends meet, so you settle for jobs that you are actually really good at, but deep down you could care less about. You can’t be content at those jobs because they are not in the law firm. Does that make sense?

The sad part is that for all you know you may not like the law firm either… once you have it. I really hope that doesn’t happen to me. IF God even sees fit to make me a wife and mother.

Lord, help me to be content wherever it is You put me. Help me to be content in any situation. Help me to be content in YOU. Help me to get over myself. I don’t know what else to do then to wish and hope that I could be married someday, but at the same time I don’t trust that it’s going to happen. I don’t want to feel like a little rock floating around in space with no direction and no hope of coming to rest, unless it’s via a flaming wreck on some distant planet.

Haha… okay did that even make sense? Ay ay ay… I’m crazy.