I'm not okay...

Have 't written much lately. I suppose it's because its been nothing but the same stupid stuff. I've been feeling pretty depressed and borderline resentful towards God. I've lost all hope and joy. I know its my fault, but I also feel like its been attacks from the enemy.

One minute I feel like everyone around me is an idiot and then next minute I feel like it's not them, it's me. I'm the fool.

For example, this last Thursday my bureau put on a Retreat for our staff. The planning for this Retreat has consumed the last 2 or 3 weeks of my work life as I've helped my boss come up with everything from the food choices to the design for the table centerpieces. Although I've had a big part in everything, at the end of the day, I knew it was my boss who was in charge of the whole thing. Yet, the day of the Retreat I somehow got saddled with much of the responsibility of orchestrating registration of and food service to nearly 200 staff, which meant I also had to deal with the big boss breathing down my neck because it was not well-ordered (something I thought my boss would have taken care of before the show began--apparently, she had no plan for either how we were going to go about registering or serving food). It was chaos.

I was not happy. I felt like on one hand I was expected to have had all this planned out, but on the other hand when I tried to present plans on-the-spot for executing these tasks (good plans, might I add), they were almost all immediately shot down. I was beyond frustrated. I was beyond stressed. I was a little on the angry side. Not only was I trying to handle the big jobs on my own, but I also had the big boss breathing down my neck about hurrying things up and publicly criticizing the job I was doing.

Now the selfish part of me would love to say that I was put in a bad situation and that you should feel sorry for me, but the Holy Spirit won't allow that. I was not completely innocent that day. In the middle of my stress, I let all censorship of myself go out the door. The entire day, I could not stop running my mouth about what was pissing me off. I could not keep my mouth shut about how the big boss created chaos and made things worse than they needed to be. I knew what I was saying wasn't really appropriate (just by the awkward silence alone lol), but I just couldn't tame my tongue. I was even talking crap in front of people that could quite possibly run and tell him what I was saying, but I was so annoyed and upset that in the moment I didn't care.

Well, now I'm torn between being upset with my boss and her boss and being upset with myself for not being in control and letting this mess roll off my back like an adult. *sigh*

I'm telling you, the enemy is doing a number on my life right now.

So, now I'm going into work tomorrow expecting some sort of confrontation. It may not even happen, but I want to be prepared nevertheless. The funny part is that I have an evaluation due in less than a month. Let's see if it's affected by this crap. I seriously think my boss probably thinks I'm mentally unstable at this point. Maybe she's right. Or maybe its just that I'm surrounded by people with no common sense and it drives me crazy.

Or maybe she's right...

Maybe I'm not cut out for this anymore and I need to transfer to a district...

Lord help me. I'm about ready to transfer out of life.