Dear Ex-Boyfriend...

I miss you so much.  I think about you every day and pray God is with you—I know He is.  I know this is hard for both of us and you are the person I was used to talking to when things were hard.  I would call you and let it all out and you would pray for me and see the positive side of it.  I can’t call you now and it sucks.    

Thank you for loving me the way that I am—the good, the bad, and the ugly.  For a while there, I thought only God was capable of that.  You showed me that I don’t have to do anything to make someone love me.  God also used you to show me that I am good at giving love, but I’m not good at receiving it.  I guess that goes back to thinking only God was capable of loving the real me.  Thank you for showing me I was wrong.

I am so worried and scared.  I know I should not be.  I don’t know what the future holds and God has already shown me time and time again that He is faithful and will never leave me or forsake me.  It’s hard to remember that, though, when thoughts of you or I finding someone else pop into my mind.  I can’t count how many people are optimistic that we will come back together eventually and who even declare it confidently.  Part of me is hopeful too, but I’ve been hopeful in the past about other things, and I was WRONG.  The fact is we don’t know all of God’s plans for us.  I want to believe this is only a temporary separation, but I’m scared to hope.  I’m terrified. 

Sometimes I ask God to fix everything right now.  I’m so impatient.  You told me once, “be patient with God.”  I know you were right.  You were so much more insightful and wise than I think you gave yourself credit for.  I can’t wait for the day when the light bulb goes off and you are able to clearly see the gifts God has given you.  The selfish person in me wants to see that happen first-hand and not from a distance, but I guess all that matters is that it happens, whether I’m there or not.  I know God has great plans for both of us.  I just wish I could see the end result sometimes. 

I love you.  I wish I didn’t, but I do. 

I’m asking God to help me now.  I need to move past this and keep loving Him more.   I do love Him more and that’s why what happened to us had to happen.  I know you know that, but sometimes I’m scared you don’t and you hate me and think I wanted out of the relationship.  Maybe that’s the enemy’s way of condemning me for being obedient.  Please know that I did love you and I do love you and I wanted to be with you.  This was God’s choice.  I didn’t want this for us, but I did want God’s will and I know you want His will too.  We need to cling to that. 

I pray that God will grow us—that we will stay focused on Him and let him do the perfecting work in us that He wants to do.  I pray that we continue to seek His will in all things. I pray that one day, no matter the outcome, we look back and give God the glory for the amazing work He did in our lives through all this pain and heartache. 

Good bye for now...