Bi-racial bitterness...

I was reading an article about Barack Obama, which calls him "the first black (bi-racial) President..." I was glad to see that the author inserted a very important fact (even if it was in parenthesis): Barack Obama, like me, is BI-RACIAL. He really is NOT the first black President. He is the first Bi-Racial President.

What does that mean? I have more in common with him than black Americans do. I know what it's like to simultaneously be living in two worlds. I know what it's like to be able to fully understand two different cultures. I know what it's like to not to be accepted fully by either of those cultures.

I wonder if it bothers him that, like me and so many other bi-racial folks I've talked to, growing up people probably constantly reminded him that he wasn't fully black or fully white.

Now, all of a sudden, when it's important, the black community wants to embrace him as black. And he seems to be okay with that, even going so far as to practically reject his white side (which is evidenced in the way he, in his biography, portrays his white grandmotheras subconsciously racist--like she just couldn't help herself).

I grew up hearing (mostly from the Mexican side) that I was not fully Mexican or white. People would ask me what race I was (because honestly most people can't tell by looking at me... lol). I would reply that I was Mexican American, because that was what I embraced as my culture at the time, to which they would reply, "but aren't you half white?" Basically, they were implying that I was not a real Mexican. I didn't belong 100% to their group. I could never relate to them.

Talk about rejection.

I can tell you right now that I would be royally ticked off if I were to run for and be elected as president right now and then magically have the Mexican American community embrace me as the postergirl for all Mexicans, when in the past I barely was accepted as one. If I were to see little brown kids walking around wearing T-shirts with my face next to Cesar Chavez' face, talking about "the hope for the future," I would feel compelled to turn around and say, "Oh, now I'm one of you, huh?"

I can't believe that Barack didn't do that, because I would put money on the fact that his blackness was questioned growing up by at least a few blacks (and maybe whites) along the way (unless he was able to conceal his bi-raciality [isn't that a word? lol] growing up, which I doubt). If I were him, I would be mad.

BUT, then again, I'm not a politician like he is. And it seems to me that politicians will let you think whatever you want, as long as they get your vote. Who cares that--I guarantee you--these were the same people that at one point just couldn't help reminding him that he wasn't fully one of them. Now they are embracing him as their long lost son, here to save the day for all blacks in this country, and around the world for that matter.

Hmm... I could be wrong. Maybe nobody questioned who he was along the way, but I'm pretty sure that's not the case. Race is always a topic, ESPECIALLY when you are bi-racial. Maybe I can find someone who has a copy of The Audacity of Hope that I can borrow to prove myself right, because you know Obama wasn't going to leave out the part where people were questioning his blackness, that might take away from his sympathy vote and hero status.

My great epiphany

An epiphany is a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something. Or, as some like to say, it's a "light bulb moment" or an "ah-ha! moment."

Yeah, I had one of those yesterday.

I was listening to a sermon on the radio on my way to Bible study. I can't even tell you exactly what it was about--although I remember the guy saying something about turning to a loaded gun instead of God--but I do know that it triggered (no pun intended) something in my mind. Way back when I used to struggle my hardest with depression and I was in the depths of despair, I used to cry out to the Lord and ask Him why it was that He even put me on this planet. I would cry about how nothing went right and the world hated me. In my mind, if I was just here to suffer than there was no reason for me to even be here.

Now, I never contemplated suicide, mind you. I want to make that clear... I was too selfish to send myself to Hell. lol. I did plead with Him to just remove me from this earth, however. "Take me home, Lord. Get me out of here," is what I would say.

So what was my epiphany last night? I thought about what the difference is in me between then and now and I realized that I was totally and completely wrong. There was a reason for Him to have me on this earth and it was to bring Glory to His name. That is everyone's purpose for being here.

I was just so absolutely, terribly, disgustingly wrapped up in myself and what I wanted and thought I needed. So when I didn't get things my way, I blamed it on God and the world. I never wanted His will, which is perfect and is for my own good, but I wanted my will. I've realized that when we want things our own way we will almost always be disappointed. It's no wonder I was depressed. Things weren't going my way ever and when you think they should be going your way and they don't, you are bound to think life sucks.

Now, that I am living my life in such a way that I am doing my best to look for God's will instead of mine, I can't be disappointed because His will is best and can't be stopped. Nothing we do can mess up God's plans and I know that He has great plans for me. His plans are far better than any plan you, me, or anyone else could ever come up with. When I look forward to His plans, there is no way I can be depressed.

I hope that makes sense. It sure makes sense to me now. DUH, Kristina!

Obla-di... Obla-da... Life goes on...

God is good.

He has healed the hurt that came with the whole Henry situation and I'm back to the way I was before I even met him, except better in a way. I can't say I wasn't depressed, because I was for about a week, but it's completely gone now. Why is that so amazing? Because two or three years ago, maybe even a year ago, that wouldn't be the case. I would be in a deep pit of self-hate and self-pity, no matter how unrealistic the thoughts were, and it would have lasted for months.

What's the difference between then and now? HOPE. Hope that comes from the Lord. Hope and a promise that God has started a work in me and He will finish it. Hope that he has a PERFECT plan for my life. Hope that whomever God has planned for me is going to be awesome and perfectly made just for me and me just for him. That is a lot to hope for. How can you be sad with that kind of info?

Speaking of Henry, Diana told me he was asking about me. She told him, "She's your friend too. Why don't you call her?" To which he replied, "Do you think that it's okay?" Duh, dude. I told you that I am okay with being friends. The only thing stopping you from reaching out to me and being my friend is your fear. The same fear that all men have of women's emotions. I guarantee that he is terrified that I'm mad or that I'm so devastated that all I'll be able to do upon hearing his voice is break down into a flood of tears. Oh please!

Needless to say, I haven't heard from him just yet, but I'm not giving up hope that we will be friends.... that we ARE friends. Guys are silly!

ANYWAY, right now I'm sumultaneously hating and looking forward to Valentine's day. I don't have a real date, but I am going to spend the day with Kaylin. Yay!

I love my Baby K so much! She literally lights up my life. She is one of the greatest gifts from God ever! She and Sandy went with us to Church over the weekend and I tell you that kid was so well-behaved. She had us cracking up too. When we closed our eyes to pray, she was like, "Hi!" She kept saying it until we opened out eyes. lol. She's so funny!

By the way, after months and months of prayer and fasting (by Katie... you know I gotta eat with my eating disorder past), Sandy is literally on the verge, on the cusp, on the brink of receiving the Lord. Woohoo! It's so close. I'm so hopeful, that I would put money on it. lol. Soon, she'll be my sister in a whole other way--she'll be my sister in Christ. Then she will start to receive all the blessings He has in store. =)

God is good!

Insensitivity where you need it the least...

Man have I been going through a rough time. Who do I tend to turn to when life is not on my side? My sisters. Especially Katie. She may be the youngest, but she sure has a lot of insight about a lot of things and seems to be the most level-headed of us all, which makes her one of the best people to get advice from and to tell you the truth when you needed the most. She has done this for me a lot.

But there is another side to the coin...

I've had a lot of crying and venting to do in the last 2 weeks. Katie has been there for me and given me a lot of good advice. The problem is that days later she will literally make fun of how I was crying about this or how I was venting about that. Not only is it hurtful to me, but it's also embarassing and discouraging.

I so desperately want to show the world that I'm not the same person I used to be--a person who was overly sensitive, emotionally damaged, and prone to self-pity and depression. I have improved and grown so much (by the grace and love of God), but that doesn't mean that when I'm going through a rough patch that I'm not going to be emotional and sad. I am still a human being.

I feel like I'm getting nowhere, however, when I go to my sister for advice, comfort, venting, etc., and she turns around and mocks me in public and makes me seem like the insanely, overdramatic person that I used to be. That is not helping me to show the world that I've changed.

It is so hurtful and frustrating for me. It makes me feel like I don't really want to share these things with my sister anymore, even if it means losing that great insight and advice. It's not worth feeling embarrased and like crap when a couple of days (or even hours) later she is making fun of my emotions to the first person she sees or a group of people. =(

I guess in the end I already know the solution: Turn to the Lord. He will NEVER mock me or make me feel like I'm overreacting or being too emotional. He doesn't role His eyes as if to say, "here we go again." He just holds me in His arms and reminds me that He's there for me. He won't share my "business" with the world and make me look like a fool... Even if I was crying way more than I maybe needed to at the end of Marley & Me....

Kablooie! Part 2

Okay, so back to the story. (Sorry, I'm at work and I had to go to lunch.)

So, like I said, a calmness came over me and I was okay. In fact, I felt a sense of relief. No, it wasn't the reaction I wanted from him, but at least I didn't have to sit there and rack my brain worrying about whether he really liked me or not. It was an answer. So, that same night, despite the fact that I'm still pretty sick, I go to Bible study so that I can talk to Diana about it... plus, I need the Lord big time at that moment. I'm thinking she knows since they work together. Nope--she's downright shocked when I break the news to her.

CONFUSING!

She tells me that she can't believe it because he was so excited about going hiking and he really likes me and yada yada yada. She tells me that he had come up to her at work wanting to talk to her about something, but she was taking a call and told him she would go find him later. We both come to the conclusion that he probably wanted to talk to her about what was going on between him and me.

Of course, after a while I start crying. I tell her that I'm not crying because he wants to be friends--I'm crying because he just didn't give me the chance to show him that I could open up and relate to him. He just gave up on me. Plus, I couldn't understand why me being worried about him would set him off like that. We were both pretty darn confused. She started getting into how he would light up talking about me and how he had prayed for a girl like me. The only issue he had was that I wasn't opening up enough, but, again, he didn't give me the chance to remedy that. We both also came to the conclusion that maybe for some crazy reason he thought that I was rejecting him, so to protect his own heart he just started shutting me out before I could do it to him.... ?????

I finally just told her that I was over it and basically said that I want to move on, but she kept essentially asking me to hold on to hope. She wanted to talk to him first. I didn't have the heart to tell her that part of me really doesn't want to hold onto hope because all it does is play with my emotion and my heart and I don't know how much more I can take. The other part of me does want to hope that at least he'll let me be his friend and then be able to see the real me and fall in love with that. I'm not holding my breath though.

As of Sunday, she still had not spoken to him, and as of today I still have not heard from her. In one way I can't want to hear what she has to say about their conversation, but in another I am terrified that the news is gonna just get worse (he doesn't even want to be friends; there's some other chick; etc...). I can't take this crap!

I hate dating!!!!!!!!!

Lord, I know you have a plan for my life and that if Henry isn't the one it's because someone 10 times better is about to come along, but this still sucks! And so close to Valentine's Day!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!

Kablooie!

This has been one of the worst couple of weeks ever.

I woke up last Monday with a chest that felt like it was on fire. Went to work. Started coughing. Went home. Took a nap. Woke up worse. Ended up being out the entire week with what I think was walking pneumonia, but which was diagnosed as an upper respiratory infection. Yay. I still have a cough, but thankfully it's not nearly as bad. Some days I was waking up feeling like someone jump kicked me in the chest. lol.

Then I got a little gem half-way through the week.

I hadn't heard from Henry at all since he cancelled on hiking. I was planning to let it go and let him contact me if he was still interested, but then (like the impatient genius that I am) decided that maybe he might think I was mad at him and was waiting for me to contact him. So I sent him a text message basically asking him if he was still alive. He doesn't answe me back to the following day. By that time I was a little miffed that he keeps not answering me back and because my emotions are getting toyed with, however unintentionally. My sister advises me to be honest with him, so in reply to his asking how I've been I tell him that I honestly had been worried about him since I didn't hear from him for a few days. Then I threw in a little joke about not wanting to take it personally...

Well, apparently, he didn't think that was funny. I get a reply from him that is so short and dismissive. It said something like, "Well I've been busy with my family, but I'm doing great. Nice talking to you. Take care."

I literally started tearing up on that one, but had to pull it together. Then I sent him something like this, "Hey, it's okay. I know you've been busy with your family. I was just worried. Sorry. You know, I really like you, but I feel like maybe you don't feel the same way or somewhere along the line you stopped feeling that way. I told you already that I'm okay with just being friends. You can be honest with me."

What was his reply? "I appreciate your honestly. I c u as a friend. We can still be friends and keep in touch."

WOW! I couldn't even stop the waterworks at that point, but thankfully they only last a few minutes before the Lord put a calm and peace over my heart about it. Okay. I was fine with him just wanting to be friends, but I wasn't fine with the idea that I he just never gave me a chance to show him that I could be what he wanted. Plus, wow, what a way to let me know, man. It was just confusing because he had been telling Diana about how "great" he supposedly thought I was only a few days earlier. How could me being worried about you not contacting me make you snap like that and decide that you don't want anything to do with me romantically. I was and am still floored....

TO BE CONTINUED...

Happy New Year?

Goodness, it's been awhile since I blogged.

Since the last time I did, Obama was voted in as our next president. Yay. (I'm totally rolling my eyes right now.) There was no big surprise there. In fact, he practically won in a landslide. All I can say is this country is full of blind, following, fools.

Also, since last I blogged, I was introduced to a guy by one of the ladies in my Bible study, Diana. His name is Henry and he turned out to be pretty much everything I've ever asked for: tall, handsome, Mexican, and best of all a believer. Things were going great. We were hanging out every weekend, I went to his church, and freakishly he actually liked me too. What's the problem then? Wish I knew.

Things were going extremely slow... he didn't even hold my hand. I knew he liked me though because guys don't text you practically everyday and want to hang out all the time if they are not interested. So things were going good--slow, but good. But then I started worrying a little when I thought he would invite me to spend New Year's eve with him, but he didn't. That really surprised me and made me doubt myself. I asked Diana to pray for us because I was unsure. Turns out he was unsure too. I wasn't "opening up enough." I'm shy, man! lol I admitted that I was holding back a little because honestly, I've never been past 2 dates with a person that I didn't know. I was in uncharted territory.

So, I decided I would do the work and be myself more. We made plans, and at the last minute he cancelled. We made plans again and at the last minute he cancelled again. Now I haven't heard from him in almost a week. He's never flaked on me or not communicated with me before. Everyone, including Diana, is telling me to hang in there and not give up on him, but I just get the sense that this isn't going to happen, which really sucks because I truly like this guy. I know guys can act weird and don't think the way females do, but I can't help feeling like he just gave up on me. I have no control over that, but it still sucks.

For now I'm trying to put my trust in the Lord, who has created a perfect work in me and will finish it. My consolation right now is that I know that the Lord knows the desires of my heart (in this case to be married and have children) and He wants to give me them. I just need to trust in Him and His perfect timing. Whether Henry is included in that or not, I really don't know yet, but I do know that the Lord has someone for me... I just need to be patient. For now, I have been motivated to get involved more at church and maybe the man God has for me will come out of the woodwork...

Introducing Alexis Lynn Joller

My niece is finally here. She was born on November 25, 2008, at 5:30 a.m. after a looong labor and two days before Thanksgiving. She was 8 lbs., 3 oz. and 21 inches long. =)

We are so happy to finally see this kid and she was worth the wait. She is such a cutie. Thank goodness she seems to have gotten the best of both of her parents. lol.

Now, hopefully, we are in for some big changes to my sister. I'm praying that she gains patience and understanding--that she becomes selfless and learns to put others before herself. Being a mother is supposed to change you in these ways. I hope this happens for Kim. It could only make her a better person.

God bless you, baby Alexis!