Last night, in my praying, I asked for something I've never asked for before and frankly it terrified me to ask. I asked God to take away my desire for marriage.
I know that my desire for marriage is the wall between God and I. Sometimes the wall is intact and I can't see God through it at all. Sometimes the wall has holes in it and I can see Him on the other side, waving at me to come on over already. It's hard because that wall is so pretty and magical... that wall represents all MY hopes and dreams and that's why I keep putting myself behind it, but that's MY side of the wall. The other side of the wall, the one that God can see, is not so pretty. It's sticky and ugly and full of sadness and lonliness--a place where I will never be fulfilled. That's why God is trying to get me out from behind it.
No matter how shiny and pretty my dream of marriage is, it's never going to make me as happy as being in God's presence. Yet I just can't seem to let go... This is why I have asked Him to take away all desire for marriage from me--as scary as it is. It's scary because it means I have to accept the idea that putting the Lord first could very well mean NEVER being married. *shudder*
I know it's what I have to do... I have to put God first because otherwise all of this is for nothing.
Hebrews 6:10
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“God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have
shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them.”
8 hours ago
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