Best Christmas. Worst Christmas.

The enemy attacks at the most opportune times, doesn’t he…

Christmas Eve I went to Disneyland with my co-worker (and dear friend) Connie and her 3 younger kids. She is a single Mom of 5 and to say she struggles is an understatement. She LOVES the Lord and is a picture of true trust and reliance upon Him. She is one of my heroes and a big example to me.

This year, I decided to do something special for her, so I paid for her three young ones to go to Disneyland. She would not have been able to take all of them together as a family without that help. (She literally wasn’t even able to afford a Christmas tree and more than one Christmas gift for the kids this year.)

I was happy to do it.

We had a GREAT time. We really did. These kids were pretty well-behaved and were very humble--it was nothing like my last visit to Disneyland with my goddaughter. Lol. They truly had a fun time and they totally deserved it.

I left Disneyland on a total high from not just the fun day, but the satisfaction of knowing that I helped bless a deserving family. It was truly going to be a great Christmas.

Or not.

The next morning, Christmas morning, I got up, got dressed, and headed to my sister’s house for breakfast and presents. Everything was going great. We were hysterically laughing at National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, which has to be in my top 5 Christmas movies. We had breakfast and talked, as usual. It was our typical family Christmas. The kids started opening their presents (we didn’t exchange anything amongst ourselves this year), and out of no where I just started feeling very frustrated.

Then the batteries died on my camera, so I got up to change them. That’s when I felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness. I headed for the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and burst out in tears.

“I can’t do this alone anymore. I want my own family.”

I was upset for a few minutes and then pulled myself together and walked out.

Here’s where it got bad. Here’s where the devil really started in with the mind games.

I went out to the couch in the living room while they all did presents in the dining room. Then I started thinking, “Wow. They don’t even notice I’m gone. They don’t even care if I’m here or not. They aren’t even concerned for me at all.”

Yes, I know this is ridiculous, but at the moment I was not in my right mind. I sat there getting increasingly upset and to make matters worse, my sister decided to sit down on the other couch and start sarcastically telling me, “That’s not a Christmas face.”

She was right, but what I really needed to hear was, “Is everything ok?”

I should know better than to expect sympathy in this family, but it upset me. I couldn’t take anymore of being around all this family fun that I can't relate to anymore and am not included in because I don't have a family of my own, so I left, saying that I didn't feel well.

Of course, I didn’t receive one call or text of concern, which made me even more upset and down on myself.

I stopped off at my friend Mandy’s house to give her a Christmas gift and to vent and then went home--totally depressed and defeated. My parents were there. I asked my Mom if the family was upset that I left and she said that they weren’t and that she had told them that this time of year is hard on people who are single.

Dang. I guess they saw right through the sick act. Lol.

Yeah, it is hard. I think the anxiety and realization that I’m turning 30 soon, with no prospects in sight, just came knocking at the door of my psyche all at once and I wasn’t prepared for it. I do believe that the enemy used that to attack me and I totally let him. I allowed myself to be invaded with the most defeatist, angry, hopeless thoughts. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t care if I lived anymore for a minute there.

Thankfully, I snapped out of it. One good day of feeling sorry for myself was enough. It just sucked that it had to be Christmas day.

Well, now I’m trying to put this horrible day behind me and turn to the Lord. It’s hard. Lately, I’ve felt the urge to be angry with Him. I’ve wanted to say, “You really have forgotten about me, haven’t You.”

All ridiculous, I know. But like I said, the devil attacks at the most opportune times… and right where he knows how to get you. Even more ridiculous is how I can go from the high of seeing the Lord bless others through me to the low of allowing myself to nearly self-destruct.

*sigh* I have issues.

If you are reading this, keep me in your prayers. I’m in a valley right now and I need all the help I can get to climb out and reach that peak again…