Shipwrecks...

Had to share this blog post from Stuff Christian's Like.... The video he shares is strangely profound.  Raw, but touching.  Yeah....  Have a look.

Fearless trust...

Someone special sent me this passage from Psalm 27 this morning and I thought I would share.

Psalm 27

A Psalm of Fearless Trust in God.
A Psalm of David.

1 The LORD is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the defense of my life;
Whom shall I dread?

2 When evildoers came upon me to devour my flesh,
My adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell.

3 Though a host encamp against me,
My heart will not fear;
Though war arise against me,
In spite of this I shall be confident.

Wow.  What a beautiful reminder that no matter what, God is with us and therefore we can trust him and have absolutely nothing to fear.   Thank you, Lord!

I think this special person is a keeper.  =)

Operation Scare-the-Living-Daylights-Outta-Kristina

So, in my previous post I mentioned that I was surprised with a party for my 30th birthday. Well, what had happened was....

A couple of months ago, my sister Katie started asking me what I wanted to do for my 30th birthday. Every year I have to plan my own thing and every year it doesn't work out as planned, for various reasons. This year, I decided I wasn't going to do a thing. I knew Katie and I were already planning our big trip to New York City (48 days and counting!!!! Yay!!!), so I was okay with just that right there. I also kind of just figured this is an important birthday and if people don't feel the need to give me a break from planning duties and do something for me, than forget it. It's not worth all the fuss ([Pity party start] and apparently neither am I! [Pity party end]). Well, Katie started throwing around the idea of a small family dinner. I was okay with that because little by little people were making plans to do things. I knew that I was going to have a great birthday, even without a huge fuss, so the fact that nobody was throwing around huge ideas for what we could do really didn't bother or offend me.

I was just going with the flow. Really never expecting that for once these people were actually planning something huge (that's usually MY job) and planning for months at that. Apparently, there were many occasions were I almost blew my own surprise (like the time I wanted to plan a trip to go wine tasting the same weekend.... that was how I found out about the "family dinner" at a restaurant that my sister had to "pull strings" to get us a "reservation" at.... all a cover, of course.). I can honestly say I was completely oblivious. lol.

Well, they got me. They really got me good.

In the days leading up to the "family dinner," I decided I was going to buy myself a cute and short dress and get all dolled up for my night. "I'm gonna look hot on my birthday night... I don't care where we go." So when the night arrived, I put my dress and make up on and got all cute, thinking I'm going to some fancy restaurant in LA or Hollywood or even Bevery Hills (Ooooo.... aaaaaahhhhhh....). Maybe we would even see a celebrity and I was going to be prepared with my cute outfit. ;)

Or not.... Hahaha! (And I should have known when I saw my sister in a somewhat casual outfit and had to ask her a few times if she was sure that I wasn't over-dressed.)

As we are leaving the house, my sister tells me she forgot to pay the rent and hands me the envelope to drop it off (another time I should have known something was fishy because it was not time to pay rent yet! lol). I look at her like she's crazy, since I have like 3- or 4-inch heels on and hand it back. We get to the front of where we live... where there is obviously a party going on in the clubhouse (once again, oblivious). Then my sister hands me the envelope again and tells me she forgot the directions and that she's going to drop me off while she runs back to the house. I'm like, "Seriously!? You're gonna make me go up these stairs in these heels and this dress in front of the security guard?" Needless to say, I was a little annoyed... especially because this is a new security guard who happens to be cute. =) Also, because I can see that there is a party going on and I don't want these people thinking that I'm coming to their party.

So I get out of the car and sneak my way up the stairs. I think to myself, "I'm just going to slip this in the slot and then sit on this bench so these people don't think I'm trying to come in." I walk right up to the slot and then hear rustling by the door. I immediately think someone is opening the door because they think I'm trying to come in. Crap! Next thing you know the door is open and there is a loud, echoing "SURPRISE!!!!" My first reaction? First, I thought, "these people are confusing me with the person they are trying to surprise," (yes, still clueless) and simultaneously, as I'm thinking this, I'm putting my hand up to protect myself and letting out every cuss word I can think of. (Shameful, I know..... and in front of children! lol)

This is the thing.... I can sit on YouTube all day and watch people getting the crap scared out of them and think it's the funniest thing ever, but if you roll up on me making a loud noise or scare me in general, the ghetto comes out in me and I'm either cussing or punching (or both) you out. It's just a fact. Thankfully, I only cussed. Hahaha! (Sorry, Lord.... and my nieces who were standing right in front of me. Oops! It was pretty much involuntary.)

Anyway, once I put my protective shield (my hand) down, I look over and just see people. When I finally focus I see my friend Suzy and think, "I know her." That's when I realize that this is for me. I walk in and just start telling them that they all suck and they really got me. I had to keep telling myself, "don't be angry... be happy... smile." The instant anger subsided however when people started saying things like, "oh my gosh! You look so great!" and "Oh my gosh, I've never seen you in a dress," and "You look so skinny." Yeah, that's the type of stuff that will make anyone's anger go away. Hahaha!

One thing I have to admit to: I was a little disappointed that I didn't get to go to a facy restaurant. LMBO! Oh well, this was even better!!!!

All I can say from that moment and for about an hour was that everything felt so surreal. They did an amazing job. The food was great. The theme was awesome!!!! 80s!!! The room was covered in movie posters from some of my favorite movies (Goonies, Pretty in Pink, Back to the Future, The Breakfast Club, etc.)! They had a candy table, which included wax lips (I LOVED wax lips when I was little and had just told them about how I insisted on having them at my 6th birthday). They thought of EVERY detail.... down to the big pink cake that was a replica of the cake from Sixteen Candles. You know, the one on the table at the end when Samantha and Jake Ryan kiss. It was so cool!

So many people showed up too... there was even a friend from High School and other people I've worked with over the year. Most of my aunts and uncles were there, including my uncle who came all the way from Poway, which is near San Diego. It really was very special. I felt SO SPECIAL.
All jokes aside, it was AMAZING.

At the end of the day, I don't deserve so much attention. God knows I have my issues. I know I'm not always the easiest person to be around. Sometimes I need to watch my mouth and think before I react. I'm a sinner and I mess up... and sometimes I act like I'm entitled, but the fact is, I'm unworthy. When people do things like this for me, or when God shows any kind of favor towards me, I begin to remember just how unworthy and undeserving I am. Even more importantly, I get a giant snapshot of how blessed I REALLY am.

Thank you, Lord.

I couldn't have asked for better....

Life happens...

First of all, sorry Blog (and my one follower) for not checking in for awhile. As you can see, I am alive. =)

I have been uber busy lately. The entire month of July was one giant celebration. I was so spoiled. I even got a giant surprise party where I was..... SUPRISED. Big time. They scared the living daylights out of me and there was definitely some cussing involved. (Oops!) Hey, I'm not good with being surprised or scared. They are lucky no one got punched. It was great though and I can definitely say I am super blessed and felt very loved.

Happy 30th Birthday to me!!! It definitely was happy... I will post a more detailed blog about what went down very soon. Promise.

Moving on....

I'm going to be upfront with you, Blog. I haven't been around much because I was way too wrapped up in Facebook (FB). The thing is, I could easily access my FB account via my phone, but it wasn't so easy to access you since I don't like to use the Internet at work too much. Don't want to get into trouble. So yeah.... I went with the easy choice. Sorry.

Well, as of this past Thursday, FB went bub-bye. I deactivated my account. There was one incident that occured the day before that was the tipping point, but in all actuality, there were many incidences and I have just decided that FB's cons far outweigh it's pros. It's too bad, because I was so glad to be in contact with long lost people from the past. I just couldn't deal with the drama, misinterpretations, back-stabbing, being stalked by weirdos, etc. I'm done. Sayonara sucka!

I actually felt an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders once I did it. No more being tied to my phone 24/7 wanting to know all the latest. The whole day was quite relaxing actually. Ultimately, even without the drama, FB should not be something that takes up so much of my time. That's what Reality TV is for anyway.... LOL. Just kidding. No, seriously though. All the time spent on FB could have been used somewhere else.... like praising/serving/communicating with God maybe? Yeah....

In other, better, amazingly awesome news....

I have been offered a very significant promotion to another Department. How significant? I'm skipping right through 4 secretary levels above what I currently hold. That is AMAZING and only from God. To Him be the glory because I know if it was purely on what I "deserve" I wouldn't be getting a darn thing.

Thank you, Lord, for your favor, even when I'm not doing as well as I can be in my relationship with you. You are TOO GOOD to me!

This promotion will enable me to pay my mortgage (STILL waiting for approval on the condo by the way) AND be able to live comfortably and maybe even get a better car with better gas mileage (and I'll definitely need it because I'll be driving far once I do move!). It is such a major blessing, I can't even explain to you.

Also good news:  I officially made my goal on Weight Watchers.  30 lbs lost!  Woop woop!!!!  I can't believe it.  It still feels too good to be true, but I'll still take it.  In fact, I decided to extend the goal to 40 lbs.  I'm going to try it out and see what happens.  I also ordered a brand new elliptical and I'm going to start getting back on the exercise wagon.  I definitely, if anything, want to start toning up now.  Who knows.... maybe by this time next year, I'll be able to rock a bikini.....  Okay, wishful thinking, I know.  lol

Sobre el amor...

Still no main squeeze, but it's okay.  I have been meeting people and getting out there and have discovered that maybe God's glad I'm doing that, but that doesn't mean that he's necessarily going to produce anyone right away.  There is one surprisingly one person at work, of all places, that might be a possibility, but only God knows exactly who it will be.  My job right now is to believe and have faith that "someone" is in the works at all and that God has my back.  In any case, hopefully my house will be approved soon and I can get back to my church, cause with all the guys there, if God doesn't have my sweetie waiting for me there, then I might have to come to grips with the idea that he (my sweetie) doesn't exist.....

NAH!   I'll never give up on the idea that he's out there waiting for God to help us find each other.  ;)

Okay, well that's all I got for now.  Tootles...

Oh, and P.S.  Happy birthday to my Mom!!  Crazy broad... lol

Sharing some pics of Quinn and his big sis....

I still haven't been by to see Quinn, but I've been texted a bunch of great pics.  I'm a proud tia!!!

Alexis LOVES her brother.   I'm glad, cuz I wasn't so nice.  From what I hear, I tried to flush my sister down the toilet and tried to put her through a cycle in the dryer.  Hahaha!  I must have known she was going to give me problems down the line.   LOL.   Just kidding.... ;)

It's heeeeeeeere... and so is my nephew...

*shudder*

July is here.  My 30th birthday is in T-minus 17 days.  Aaaaaaaaa!!!

LOL.  Just kidding.  I'm not freaking out.... yet.

I have so much going on right now to really freak out. 

QUINN

My nephew Quinn was born 4 days ago on July 5.  He was 8 lbs, 9 oz.   (Now that's more like it!  Alexis was only like 7 lbs, which is tiny for my family.)  Because of all the drama with my sister and brother-in-law, I am waiting a little before I go see him.  I don't really want to have to come into too much contact with my sister's husband, if I can avoid it.  I just don't feel it's necessary.

ANYWAY, we are thanking God for our new addition to the family.  Babies are always a blessing and becoming an aunt never gets old.  =)

HOUSE

Still waiting on the bank to approve my offer. Hopefully soon and then we can go into Escrow, which hopefully won't take too much longer after that. I hope this happens sooner rather than later, because I'm ready. I'M SO READY.

WEIGHT LOSS

I'm officially down 26 lbs and holding (because I've been having a little too much fun lately... lol).  After my birthday, I'm going to hunker down again so that I can get down to my goal of 30 lbs.  If I lose that much I'll be happy.  If I lose more than that, I'll take it!  =)    Either way, I'm feeling great and enjoying feeling comfortable in my own skin and the seemingly neverending compliments I get.  Trying not to grow a ginormous head though.... ;)

REST OF LIFE

Things are weird lately.  I think I've just come to a few realizations:

• I need to get back to my church.  Life sucks without God's constant presence.  It's just not working without Him.  (Hurry, bank!)

• I can't have the type of relationship with my other sister that I've always wanted.  She will forever view me as the mentally jacked-up, fragile person I USED TO BE.  She will never respect me as a woman.  It doesn't matter how much I change.  It's partly my fault because of the YEARS of crap I put these people through when I was struggling with depression, but nevertheless, sometimes I just want to scream, "can't you see I've changed already!?!?!?!?!?!?!"   But it's just not going to happen.   I hate to say it, but I just need to live a separate life and not share so much with my family members anymore... well, at least not vulnerable stuff.  ANY moment of vulnerability immediately gets construed as weakness and me reverting back to who I used to be, instead of what it is:  a momentary emotional reaction to a negative situations that has occured.   Key word:  MOMENTARY.   The ones who haven't changed here are my family members.

• Playing off this last point.... I know it sounds mean, but I am ready to move on from everyone in my life.  Just want to start over with people who don't know me and don't have pre-formed judgements of who THEY think I am.  I'm getting tired of drama and finding out that I can't tell anyone anything without it getting out.  The sad thing is that this includes my own family members.  Sometimes I feel like I just can't trust anyone's word or that they truly have MY best interests at heart.   There is maybe one person in my life right now that I actually feel comfortable coming to with things without the whole world finding out or without judgement, and that's probably because this is someone who doesn't know my family or other friends.  Funny, but true.

• Dating around is okay, but I really just need to stick with believers and believers only.  Don't want to play with fire. 

• Overall, I need to get my stuff together and re-focus back on the Lord.  (See first point above. lol)

That's my update.  In the words of the Terminator, "I'll be back...."

The business of going bonkers while biding my time for something better...

Today has to be one of the most boring and unproductive days this year. I could so be doing this at home, but no. I have to make that “paper”, as they say… cash money, son. I will have a mortgage soon and that mortgage must be paid… ‘cause I sure don’t have a rich hubby or sugar daddy who’s going to pay it. Lol.

I just really don’t like not having anything to do. I always feel like my job isn’t up to par with my skill and efficiency levels. I should be at a much higher level than I am at the moment.

There’s just one problem: my face.

No, I don’t have a giant mole on the center of my nose. I know it’s not my teeth, or I’ve wasted 2 years of my life and $6,000 on Invisalign. I’m pretty sure I’m not hideous to look at. No, none of these things. What’s the problem? I have the face of a girl 8 years younger and therefore, in the minds of those with whom I have interviewed, I’m not ready for, nor can I handle, a higher level secretarial position.

REVERSE AGISM!!! I tell you!

It’s funny, but it’s not. I know people are like, “Really? You’re complaining that you look years younger than you are?” Well, now that I’m about to be a single, childless 30-year-old, heck no! I’m loving it.

I just don’t love people making assumptions about someone who LOOKS young, when all you have to do is look at my resume and performance evaluations (I’ve gotten Outstanding on my last 2 years of evals… thank you very much!).

*sigh*

I know at the end of the day, it’s God who is in control and maybe HE just doesn’t think I’m ready, but at the same time I can’t possibly believe that it’s His will that I sit around on my butt being completely unproductive. That’s no way to serve Him. Maybe I just need to take more initiative???? How? There is only so much filing someone can do…..

Somebody tell me how before I go cuckoo……

Going back up again...

I know I am blessed.  I know this is MY year.  For the first time, the good things that happen to me far outweigh the bad.  I love it!   I love that I can see it!   God is good to me, despite myself.   =)

I was down for just a moment last week about the job and guy thing, but I'm over it. 

I stopped communicating with him and then, through different educational resources (both Christian and secular), realized that my problem was that I was trying to do the take-action, guy thing instead of letting him do that.  He's the guy... that's his job and guys like that jobm and when we let them do it, it helps them to like us even more. 

Oops.  Won't be doing that again.  ;)

Well, I stopped communicating and sure enough he got curious.  It was nice that the theory was proved, but he still didn't poke his head around enough and take action, so I'm pretty much no longer very interested and leaving that one alone.  I am chocking it up to a learning experience on what NOT to do. 

I love learning things and changing, so I'm actually happy for this experience.  I'm starting to see what works and what doesn't.  It's nice to feel like you have a game plan (for lack of a better term--it's definitely not about playing games).    I want to be the girl who is easygoing, not controlling, and can communicate her feelings in a way that makes a man respond positively instead of negatively (freaking out and running.... lol). 

We'll see what happens.  I have promised myself that I will not be committing to anyone for 6 months because of all I have going on.  So for now it's practice, practice, practice!


I heard some promising news about my house.  We are still waiting for bank approval, but they think it looks good.  I am excited, but not letting myself get too excited.   I almost bought some candlesticks for the house the other day, but stopped myself.  I know it's silly, but I feel like if I buy anything I will jinx everything.  =)


My sister is about to give birth and we still haven't seen each other since St. Patrick's day.   It's kinda strange, but at the same time, it really doesn't illicit any strong feelings on my part.  I just miss my niece, Alexis. 

The other day, the Lord impressed it upon my heart to have a spirit of reconciliation, so I texted my sister.  I basically apologized for hurting her in anyway and told her that I don't want to have problems because the Lord commands us to forgive. I also told her that our relationship will never be what it was, but I still love her and my niece and nephew. 

She responded saying that she forgave me and knows that much of what happened was her doing.  She also added that she loves me no matter what. 

That was that.  I don't think it will and frankly don't want it to lead to us going back to speaking and sharing our lives with each other, but at least I know I can be around my sister and not have a large amount of animosity toward her.  My brother-in-law on the other hand.... lol.  

Seriously, though, I love my sister and the kids, but I really don't want anything to do with that man anymore.  I don't NEED to have him in my life and I don't WANT to have him in my life.  I think I have to forgive him because that's what Jesus commanded us to do, but there is nowhere I know of in the Bible that says I need to have him in my life or ever even be in his presence, so yeah.

Anyway, things are good.  Hopefully very soon I will be able to anounce a new house and a new member of the family.  =)

Thank you, Lord, for your abundant and undeserved blessings.  I know I don't deserve them AT ALL, but by all means, keep them coming.  =)