Let it go...

I am in the foulest mood today. I'm just in a funk. For once I can't blame it on Valentine's day. I thought I sailed through last weekend just fine. I didn't get sad about Valentine's and I had a fun girl day with Mandy. But this week has been horrible.

On Monday, Katie and I went to this store at the Northridge mall that is Christian-owned and sells Christian merchandise. We are walking through the store looking at stuff when something made me think of Henry, which is a daily occurance anyway (I literally see 10 Nissan Titans [his truck] on the road everyday). As soon as I say his name, Katie grabs this shirt that says "Let it go..." on the front and puts it up for me to see. I paused, but all I could say was, "I know." I knew right then and there that God was using Katie and that shirt to let me know that it's time to move on. Basically, there is no hope for anything... not even a friendship. I know I needed to hear it, but it was like rejection ALL OVER AGAIN.

I haven't been able to recover since, and my dad acting like a jerk has just made things worse. It's everything for me not to go on a "I hate men!" rampage right now.

What scares me is that I'm now in this fog where I don't even feel the presence of the Lord. It's like I'm truly numb. I'm right back to feeling angry and bitter like I did right after the whole situation with Henry kicked off. I can't even open up the Bible and concentrate on what I'm reading. I can't even talk myself into feeling better by reassuring myself that the Lord is with me... in fact I'm not even trying to do so.

I guess I'm just depressed. There, I said it! I'm depressed.

Depression is the enemy's number one tool against me and he knows how to use it. The Devil is like Doc Holiday: He's good with his guns. One of those guns is depression and he takes me out with it every time. One shot right to the heart.

I know God is my bulletproof vest ("put on the full armor of God"), but it's like I can't even bring myself to pick the vest up and strap it on.

It's like, "Shoot away. I don't even care anymore."

Lord, help me. Make this go away...