Still here... barely

I'm still here, blog.  Sorry I've neglected you.  So much has been happening.  Busy at work, which I love.  Have an offer in on a condo (short sale).  Started going to the young adult (26-35 year olds) ministry at church and it's been a big blessing.  Started journaling my thoughts and prayers in a notebook instead of here (sorry!).  =)

Oh and there's that other thing...  The thing where I'm still trying to get over the boy (I know... stupid).  It's been a LOT better than it was a month ago, but I still wonder and ruminate over everything.  If I could have things my way, we would reconcile and be friends again, and part of me thinks that could happen one day, but I know it won't be after a lot of time has passed. 

My sister has a boyfriend now.  She met him a month ago.  A MONTH and it already seems like this one is the One for her.

Now don't get me wrong.  I'm over the moon for my sister and I actually prayed for this, but I admit, it feels like a slap in the face.  I can't help but feel frustrated and wonder what in the name of all that is just and right I'm doing wrong.  My sister JUST decided to start dating again and WHAM!, prayers answered.  I've been trying to put myself out there for over a year and all I've gotten is one situation that was a bust.  *sigh*

Lord, please.  Please.  I need your reassurance right now.  I need some hope.  I need to know that I'm not going to be alone forever.  *tear* 

Forgive my weakness...

Acts 14:22

Acts 14:22  "...'We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God,' they said."

It's been about a month since my last post.  Have I gotten over homeboy yet?  Of course not.  That would mean that the devil decided to leave me alone for once.  Not happening.  lol

I still pray for him and think about him, and I've even sent him a couple of devotionals, but I know now that it's pointless and I need to just move on.  Well, prayer is not pointless, but holding on is. 

This man is over it and is showing it by being very rude and un-Christianlike toward my friend who sits next to him.  The day before yesterday was the last straw for me.  She emailed me and told me that he came into work being overly friendly with everyone in the room and completely ignoring her.  I can't help but feel that his behavior toward her directly reflects his feelings toward me.  His message is being read loud and clear. 

I just have lost so much respect for this man and am still in shock that he's acting like this, but I am starting to become mad.  I know he feels guilty over 1) the lack of respect he showed me and our friendship; and 2) the way he's walked away from the Lord.  My friend is a reminder of both, but that in no way means she deserves this type of treatment... especially because she has been nothing but gracious toward him despite the way he treated me.

It's just sad that someone could treat his sisters in the Lord in this way.  I used to think he was a good man, and I know somewhere in there he still is, but maybe these are his true colors.   Well, I suppose these are all of our true colors when we aren't walking with the Lord.  *sigh*

Needless to say, I am definitely moving on at this point.  I don't even see being friends with him anymore.  He has shown himself to be unreliable, selfish, and full of pride.  I know the Lord will bring this man back to a right relationship with him (He did it with me).  I just pray it's sooner rather than later. 

Anyway...

I do have some good news:  I had put a backup offer in on a condo I really liked.  I didn't really think it would happen because its in a highly sought-after complex, but I guess the Lord has His own plans, right?  I got word from my realtor last week that the orginal buyer walked away and they wanted to submit my offer.  To say I was excited was an understatement.  Although, I try not to get too excited because, just like in my love life (lol), the minute I get attached, shazaam!  It's gone.  For now, I'm hopeful and feeling like this is going to be my house.   Please, Lord, let this be my house. 


Lord, I thank you for loving me so much.  Even when certain areas of my life feel like unrepairable mush, there are still other things that I can continue to rejoice over.  You are way too good to me and I know that the blessings will always outway the heartbreaks, though they continue.   Continue to make me better in You.  You are all that matters. 

Answers...

I wish I could say that I always get answers to my questions, but this is reality.  Sometimes we don't get to know.  Then sometimes we get answers, but they aren't exactly the answers we wanted. 

Today I got an answer.  It wasn't something I would have wanted, but it was necessary...

Let me backtrack.  As I mentioned in my first post of the year, things went in a not-so-good direction with the special person in my life.  It's been about a month since we last communicated and I was doing well with not being upset and letting it get to me.  I was trying to move on and focus on what matters... God's plan for my life. 

I shared what was going on with people around me and started getting the same reaction from a few people:  "He's going to realize the mistake he's made and come back."   To me that sounded far-fetched, but then again,  I believe in a God who can do things like that.  So I guess I started allowing myself to hope because afterall, "hope comes from the Lord."  There is nothing really wrong with hoping, but the problem is that for me to hope opens the door for me to become consumed with something that may not even happen. 

On top of this smidgen of hope, I've also felt that the Lord is calling me to pray for this man.  There have even been times where I tried to "forget" to pray for him and then the Lord sort of says, "hey... you forgot someone."  I don't mind praying for my "friend," but it's hard to forget someone when you have to think of him at least once a day in prayer. 

Anyway, all this to say that I've had a hard time letting go and moving on because this guy is in my thoughts, and even my dreams, all the time.

Well, this morning, I broke down and asked the Lord to help me move on.  Whether or not this man will ever be a part of my life, right now, in this moment of my life, I need to forget him and move on.  I cried out to God to help me to forget and move on, even if I'm still called to pray for him.

God was listening.

A few hours later, I'm at my desk and my friend (who happens to sit in the cubicle right next to him) texts me to see how I'm doing.  I confess to her that I've had Mr. Man on my mind constantly and its been driving me crazy.  She first started telling me that she doesn't like him anymore and that he was wrong for not being genuine with me after I laid out all my feelings.  I knew she was going somewhere with this and asked her to tell me what's up.  That's when she told me that he announced at work that he had gone on a date Saturday night.

Wham!  How's that for a reason to move on and let go?  lol.

It stung, but by God's grace it didn't devastate me.   I told her that he has every right to date and that I was glad she told me.  She, like a good friend, reinforced how disappointed in him she is.  I appreciated it, but I told her that I still am not angry with him.  (For the record, despite those baby hopes that someday God would fix everything and we would be together [which He could still do if He wanted to], I truly forgave him a while ago and have wanted at the very least to reconcile our friendship.) 

I left it alone, but then something dawned on me at lunch.  I had asked God this very morning to help me move on and through that text conversation with my dear friend, He answered my prayers.  He is showing me that I do indeed need to move on. 

So now not only have I had the clear and straighforward messages from God that I need to trust Him and wait on Him, but He has also made it clear that I need to move on and move forward.

I hear you, Lord.  You are coming in loud and clear.  I am listening.  Please help me now to obey...

As for my friend, Lord, be with him.  Keep Your hands on him and continue to bless him.  Draw him close to You and fix his eyes upon You.  Reveal your plan for him and show him that You are all that matters.  Lord, convict his heart of those things that hinder his relationship with You.  Refine both of us.  Sift us Lord.  Make us both better in you. 

You know why this has happened the way it has and I trust that You will never do anything to harm me.  Everything You allow to happen is for our good and Your glory.  Thank you, Lord.   "You give and take away... my heart will choose to say, 'Lord, Blessed be Your Name.'"

It's a new year. Let's make it a good one...

"A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all..." Psalm 34:19


I've been missing in action, blog.  Sorry.  A lot has happened.   Actually, things took a turn only hours after my last blog post was published.  Long story, but the gist is that the special person in my life is no more. 

Things were awkward and very much up in the air.  I was confused and sad.  I finally asked him if something had changed.  No answer.  3 weeks later, still no answer.  

They say that sometimes no answer IS your answer, but I think part of me knew that I wouldn't get an aswer even though he is otherwise a good and honorable man.  Let's be real though, it doesn't matter what kind of man he is, a man is a man and all men are afraid of what they perceive as an emotional outburst waiting to happen.  Too bad he didn't give me the opportunity to show him that I could be understanding. 

*sigh*

Anyway, I was depressed and hurt for about a week and then I pulled myself together.  I'm much better now and moving on.  What helps is that I know I really tried to handle things in the best way possible with this man and I don't feel that I did anything wrong in this situation.  This is the first time I feel that it's more about his issues than my own.  Not that I'm blaming anyone, but this is the first time I've dated a man where I was not insecure or waiting for him to figure out that he was too good for me.  lol.  (That is hilarious when I go back and read it, but true.)   This was the first time that I felt like myself with a man and that we were a good match for each other.

So, yeah, I don't think it was about me this time....

Well, reflecting back on all this, I can see that the Lord is telling me to just keep waiting patiently on Him.  I also feel like He's showing me that He had me on a specific path, including purchasing my own home, and I let it get sidetracked because I was wrapped up in hoping that this man was the one. 

So now, I'm re-focusing my efforts on getting back on the plan that I was originally focusing on.  My love life is on the backburner and I'm kinda okay with that.  It exhausted me and I don't even want to bother with it right now, which is amusing since there are a few options out there.  Sorry guys.  lol.

I guess the take-away from all this is:
1. I need to trust in the Lord completely and focus on Him; He's all that matters.
2. Stick to the plan!
3. Despite what happened with this man, I've learned that I can be myself and someone will like me just the way I am. 
4. There are good men out there that Love the Lord, I just need to let Him bring me the right one.
5. Even when bad things like this happen, I can still look back and see all the amazing things too.  2011 was NOT a bust.  It was more amazing than sad.  I can rejoice in the Lord over it.  =)

Lord, please keep me focused on you.  You are everything and I am nothing.  Thank you for getting me through this hard time and for restoring my peace and joy so quickly.  Your power is made perfect in my weakness.  I love you, Lord.  Please bless this new year even more than you did the last.  In Jesus' name, amen!

I’m going back to the start…

Why does Coldplay have perfect lyrics for every situation? Just saying… =)

Anyway, at the beginning of this last summer I was riding high. I had already lost a good amount of weight and was feeling a lot better about myself. I turned 30 and was enjoying my new body, still-young looks (yes, I did just write that… lol), and most of all my singleness. I even had made a commitment to God and myself that I would not be making any romantic commitments to anyone for 6 months. I was dating and having a good time… especially in July when I was lavished with all kinds of birthday fun and attention.

Then mister man comes along and changes the game. I though, “man, what they say is really true… it comes when you aren’t looking for it.”

Yeah…

What came was a distraction—from God and from life. I had all these plans, including getting a house, which were sidetracked (although not directly due to him). I did get this amazing job, however, which really was a blessing, but I lost my focus.

Now that things are up in the air with this dude, I’m getting a chance to look back and I’m like "wait a minute!” I was on an awesome adventure and it has been interrupted by someone who was trying to make it look like he wanted in on it too, but now he seems to be doing his own thing. It’s time to get back on my safari jeep like Indian Jones and keep this adventure going. He and other distractions need to be returned to the back seat where they belong and God needs to be put back in the driver’s seat where He belongs.

So…. Mister man has been relegated to just “an option” among a few options for now and I’m focusing on getting back on the trail I set out on. I’m doing my best to focus on serving the Lord with my life and my actions, dating/getting to know other people, and on moving forward with my future. I’m looking forward to moving out to my own apartment next month and starting fresh… a new, independent, attractive, self-reliant, secure woman who is relying on God to work things out.

I’m going back to where I started and staying on the trail…


Psalm 37:3-5, 7, 34

Trust in the Lord and do good; seek your happiness in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desire. Give yourself to the Lord; trust in him, and he will help you; Be patient and wait for the Lord to act; don’t be worried about those who succeed in their evil plans. Put your hope in the Lord and obey his commands.

Stepping back...

Things are never not complicated in Kristinaland.  Lol.

I am very blessed.  The Lord loves me and truly has poured His favor out upon me.  I believe its in response to areas in my life where I have chosen to be more obediant, but even that can be attributed to Him.  The things He has healed me of have helped facilitate my ability to be obediant.  So it all comes back to Him. :)

Go God! 

There is still that one area that I struggle with, however.  Guess which one...

*dun dun dun*

Yes, the double L word... Love life.

Blah!

It feels like I'll never get that one right.  And I dont mean that I can't make it happen, but that I can't let it happen.  I cant just allow things to happen. 

The guy in my life is a good guy.  He is very special.  I have never met anyone like him.  He loves the Lord. He is kindhearted, generous,  handsome, smart, etc.... and I feel like I can be myself with him. I really like him and I know he cares for me.

The problem with us girls is that when we find someone we want and are hopeful about, we go into "try to control the situation" mode.  We want to make things happen.  We want to help things along.  However, because that is not our job, but his, that puts him in "I dont know about this anymore" mode and things go south from there. :(

I dont know if that is happening right now.  It feels like it, and although I think there are things I do need to see him step up on, for the most part I feel that I am the problem here.

I think God agrees.

This is why I'm taking a step back.  I need to re-group and remember Who is number one here... Who gives me everything and fulfills my life. 

I also need to step back and let my "friend" come to me.

The Word says that Husbands need to love their wives the way Christ loves the church.  The church is the bride, but before we can be His bride, He pursues us.  He knocks on the door of our hearts and never gives up until we say yes.

I want to (and frankly need to) be pursued in the same way. 

So, right now I feel that the Lord is telling me that He has things under control, but that what He needs from me is to back off and stop making things so easy for Mister Man.  I'm going to comply... Even if I habe to force myself.  Even if I risk losing this guy.  I must be obedient.  I know it will be worth it.

Lord, thank You for being real with me.  I know you want nothing but the best things for me.  Strengthen me, guide me, and equip me.  Fix my eyes on you.  I surrender this ship to You, trusting that You are its most skilled and experienced captain.  In Jesus' name, AMEN!

Self-defeat...

I've always thought I was ready for the responsibility of relationship, marriage, children, etc.  THOUGHT.

What you think and what is aren't always the same.  What you think about yourself in your conscious mind and what you think about yourself in your subconscious can also be two different things. 

Now that I re-examine my life, I can see that while I though I was ready, I was not.  While I tried to convince myself that I "deserved" these things, inside I really felt unworthy and scared of these things.  For the first time in my life I feel like I am almost ready.

Yes, I said ALMOST.

God has put someone special into my life and every ounce of my conscious self feels completely ready for what could come, but I think the subconscious is still not there. 

How do I know?  Because I find myself drifting into insecurity (with not good reason) and self-sabatoge, without wanting to.  I really don't want this to not work.  I really don't want to be the one to ruin it, but it's almost like I can't help myself.  I hate this about myself right now. 

I posted this to my Facebook wall yesterday, which pretty much sums up everything:

"I'm sick and tired of my own foolishness.  We don't deserve anything God gives us and maybe somewhere deep down we want to ruin our own chances because we feel unworthy.  May it stop today!"

Lord, please make it stop.   It is true that I am not unworthy, but that does not take away from the fact that you are my Father and You want to bless me and see me succeed.  Help me to have the courage to get out my own way, but more importantly out of Your way and let You do what You do best.  I love You.  Thank you for loving me more...

Thank-fully...

Things are good and there is so much to be thankful for.  I'm thankful that in less than a week I get to eat some turkey and other good stuff.  lol.

Things have made such a turnaround in the last couple of weeks in so many way.  I've gotten to see first-hand what God can do if you just let Him handle things.  He puts everything in the most perfect order and things happen in an even better way than you could have imagined them happening.   This is the beginning of a whole new trust and belief in the Lord... a deeper trust and belief.  I know He is real and is really working things out for me in a way that is the most beneficial for me and those around me.

I won't get into details on what exactly is happening with my love life (for now).  I'll share when I feel the time is right.   I can say, however, that I'm seeing God moving in my sister's and brother-in-law's lives.  I've been going to church with them every weekend.  And speaking of church, my goddaughter has been coming too, which is a miracle.  I've been praying for her mom to know the Lord.  Then out of know where, her mom approached me about taking her child to church with me and has even mentioned coming along one of these days.  Talk about the Lord opening a door.  It's so incredible!

You are amazing, Lord.  There is none like You.  =)

I think this is going to be the best Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years (hey and maybe even Valentine's Day *wink wink*) I've ever had. 

=D

Lord, I'm the most thankful for You and my salvation.  YOU are the gift that keeps on giving.

Love stories...

Moving on from the drama...

I just read Bryan Allain's guest post titled, "7 Tips for Finding Your Soul Mate Like I Did."   

It's cute and re-assuring.   God can make anything happen and will use any kind of situation to make it happen, we just gotta let Him.

=)

The familiar shock.. of confusion and chaos...

Ok. Now just when you think it's over, it's not.

Yesterday, I wrote a sincere blog post about moving on and letting go.  I hit "Publish Post" and was at peace, knowing that I meant every word (and still do).  Then I hear from him... and guess what?  Aparently, nothing was wrong.

What the heck?

But I'm still left with confusing feelings.  Technically, nothing was wrong, yet now I feel like I can't trust him fully with my heart just yet.  Like I want to pull away now and let him come to me.  Like I know now that I cannot accept NOT being pursued and won.  Like I need to see this man step up to the plate or I'm out.  Like I'm pretty much sure that I'll be dating other people until (if ever) he steps up.

Why?  Why does that always happen?  The minute you let go, it's like they just know...

Lord, Your will be done in this and always.   Whatever happens, don't let me take my focus off of You.  I don't want to have to be sifted like this again.  I want the lesson to be learned...

Outlook changed...

Today I woke up and something had changed.  I'm moving on from the situation that has been hurting me and worrying me for the last nearly 2 weeks.  I'm letting it go.  I'm letting him go.  Moving on.

I don't know what happened or why and I'm getting the idea that I'm not going to know.  I'm not in control.

Oh well. 

Get over it...

I'm over it.

Moving on.

God loves me and knows the bigger picture.  Never in my life--not once--has He removed someone who didn't need to be removed.... Even if that person seemed like a good person.  Even if that person had never done anything harmful to me (until now).  Even if that person seemed like they were in my life by some divine plan. 

Again, He knows everything I don't know and He has the perfect reasoning: MY GOOD.

He is looking out for me.   Greater things have yet to come.  I know it.  I believe it.  It's what's helping me to let go and move on.

Thank you, Lord.  Thank you for loving me so much!  Thank you for blessing me beyond what I can imagine for myself always.   Thank you for the good things you have in store for those who wait on you... even if not always patiently.  =)

This is not the end of my story; God wants to write a new chapter.  Amen!

From the top of the mountain to the bottom of the valley...

We are to rejoice in the Lord when times are good (top of the mountain) AND when times are bad (bottom of the valley).   Right now I'm in the low, deep pit of the valley, but I'm going to rejoice in the Lord anyway.

Right now I am going through a painful and confusing time in my life that has come seemingly out of no where.  I was on the top of the mountain, singing "the hills are alive..." (lol).  Then it was like I suddenly lost my footing and slid rapidly down into the scary unknown below. 

Why does God allow that to happen?  There are so many reasons.  For me, I believe one reason is that the Lord wants... no requires... that I turn my focus on Him, and although He is not a cruel God, He will use any means to make that happen, even allowing "bad" things to "happen."

His ultimate aim is to bring us back to a place where we rely fully on Him... not ourselves, not anyone else. 

Lord, thanks for taking desperate measures to get me back into a right standing with You... even if it hurt.  I know You love me.   I rejoice in that and I look forward to returning to the top of the mountain soon.  

Amen!

Just when you think...

Just when you think things are going well, then they appear to be not.  *sigh*

I don't understand, but maybe I'm not supposed to.  I've learned that the Lord will sometimes let me go through a moment of uncertainty, confusion, and even a litte bit of despair so that I can re-focus my attention on Him... where it belongs. 

I'm trying my best to hope that this is one of those times and not anything I really need to worry about.

Everytime it feels things are unraveling in my life, I keep coming back to the same verse from Proverbs:  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and he will make your paths straight."

That last part is a promise from the Word.  I need to acknowledge Him and His importance in my life (above ALL other things and people) and He will take care of the rest.

For now, I am grateful for godly women from whom I can seek godly counsel and even the kick in the pants I need.  Right now I'm hearing the Lord say, "Be still and know that I am God." 

Okay Lord.  Settle my heart.  I'm ready to be still.

New York, new position, new possiblities...

NEW YORK

Uh, New York was amazing!

We did so much yet we didn't get to do enough.  You realy need a good month just to make a dent in that city.  Nevertheless, we left satisfied with all we were able to get done.  Even 3 days in the city would have left me giddy.  =)

Here's what we saw:

-Most importantly, the 9/11 Memorial.  It was something I will never forget and I feel honored to have been there.  It was so moving to me that Katie and I ended up sitting on a bench and saying a prayer for New York, the country, and the world.   The tears were flowing (people probably thought we had lost someone there.)

-The entire island of Manhattan via the Gray Line siteseeing tour and then later via the Empire State Building.... at night, all lit up.  It's a sight to see.

-The Statue of Liberty and Brooklyn Bridge via a water taxi.

-The underground and Coney Island via the subway.  =)

-Time Square EVERY DAY thanks to our hotel, the Algonquin, being situated literally a block and a half away.

-Macy's, Bloomingdales, Saks 5th Avenue, FAO Schwartz, Century 21, etc.  Yay shopping!

-Half of Central Park, including the zoo, on foot in one day (you can't REALLY do the whole thing in one day without some sort of transportation).

And so much more!!

I can't describe what an amazing trip it was.  I am so grateful to have been able to go... especially with my sister Katie.  It was a trip I will always cherish and never forget.   (How can I anyway?  I took about 500 pictures.  lol)

NEW POSITION

I started the new job yesterday.  I am so grateful.  It already seems that I am working with some awesome people, but only time will tell for sure.  For now, I am happy to be there and starting something new with new people. 

Thank you, Lord, for this amazing opportunity!  Please equip me to do my best.

NEW POSSIBILITIES

Months ago, someone reappeared in my life.  I met him once before very briefly about 2 years ago.  Never did I think that I would come into any kind of close contact with him again, nor did I think he would be anything other than an aquaintance if I did.

But alas, God always has other plans, doesn't He?

Now he has become someone very special to me.  Actually, I think that I can safely say the feeling is mutual.  I believe in my heart that he will continue to be a part of my life.  It's all up to God though, because after all He directs our steps and has a plan already worked out for each one of us.

Right now I'm just enjoying this new friendship and trusting that the Lord has everything under control.  =)

Thank you, Lord, for all of my News... =)

13... and unlucky?

13 days until I leave for New York City.   You would think I would be completely stoked today, but I'm not.  Other stuff in my personal life has got me anxious.

I hate it when things seem to be going so well and you are super happy and then all of a sudden the butterflies come.   These aren't the good butterflies though.   They are those butterflies that come when your mind starts wanting to tell you something is wrong... even though you really have no good evidence that something is in fact wrong. 

*sigh*

Blah!

I'm trying to remember the message that God gave me not too long ago about trusting in Him and not leaning on my own understanding.   I don't know all the facts and I don't know that anything is truly wrong.  I have to trust that God's got it under control.

Why is that so much easier to say than to do?

Double blah!

A good wife...

An excellant wife is the crown of her husband, but she who shames him is as rotteness in his bones.  Proverbs 12:4

He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord.  Proverbs 18:22

An excellant wife, who can find?  For her worth is far above jewels.  The heart of her husband trust in her, and he will have no lack of gain.  She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.  Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.  Proverbs 31: 10-12, 30

So apparently, a man is considered blessed when he finds a good wife.  =)  I want my husband to be blessed and therefore I want to be a good wife. 

In this world where everyone's favorite tune is "me me meeeeee," we've lost sight of what makes relationships work:  putting the other person's needs before our own.  Part of doing that is finding out what we can do to be a better partner to our spouses.  The answers are in the Word.

Looking at the above verses specificially, I hope and pray that I can someday (hopefully soon), be the kind of "excellant" wife described above.  Based off of the above I gather that an excellant wife:

• Brings no shame to her husband.  She's moral and upstanding, with a good reputation
• Is trustworthy and discreet.
• Thinks about her husband's best interest first.  She respects and honors him. 
• Fears and loves the Lord. 

I don't think those things are too much to ask of a wife--not at all--because you know, I would hope he would do the same also.


Lord in Heaven, while I wait patiently for my husband, please help me to be more like the "excellant" wife of your Word.  I definitely want to be a blessing to my husband and not a curse.  Thank you, Lord, for always preparing me for the blessings I know you have in store for me.  Amen.

No quiero...

I don't want to...

... stay in this house much longer.  I hate to sound like I'm complaining, but.... I'm tired of doing 100 dishes daily that I didn't even dirty.  I'm tired of no air conditioning or heat.  I'm tired of someone using my makeup, shampoo, body spray, lotions, feminine products, etc.  What is no bueno is that I don't know how much longer the house-hunting thing is going to take.  Maybe until I do find something decent, I should start looking at apartments again.  I just need my own space.  *sigh*

... worry any more.   I know I worry too much and it's SINFUL.  Literally.  It shows a lack of full faith in the Lord.  I wish I didn't worry so much.  I wish "casting all my cares" on the Lord was as easy as taking the garbage out, dumping it, and walking away.  It's not. 

... be alone anymore.  Not even just romantically, but physically.  I'm ready for a partner with whom I can spend my free time and enjoy life.  The fact is, the older you get, the less people you find who are alone.  Everyone is paired up and they don't have time for those who aren't.  Me, myself, and I isn't cutting it anymore.

... wait, but I have to.  If I push things or try to make things happen myself, they will just get fouled up.  It happens EVERY time.   I have to leave things in God's hands and trust that he's working it out and knows things I don't know.  He can see the whole picture.

... feel sorry for myself, despite all of the above.  This life is not a waste, but it can feel like I'm wasting it sometimes. 

I gotta get myself out there.  Lord, put opportunities to serve you in front of me.  Help me to be grateful for the blessings I have.  Send me where you need me.  Do with me what you will...

UPDATE:

How convenient that this is today's scripture:

Psalm 143:10 - “Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.”

Life happens...

First of all, sorry Blog (and my one follower) for not checking in for awhile. As you can see, I am alive. =)

I have been uber busy lately. The entire month of July was one giant celebration. I was so spoiled. I even got a giant surprise party where I was..... SUPRISED. Big time. They scared the living daylights out of me and there was definitely some cussing involved. (Oops!) Hey, I'm not good with being surprised or scared. They are lucky no one got punched. It was great though and I can definitely say I am super blessed and felt very loved.

Happy 30th Birthday to me!!! It definitely was happy... I will post a more detailed blog about what went down very soon. Promise.

Moving on....

I'm going to be upfront with you, Blog. I haven't been around much because I was way too wrapped up in Facebook (FB). The thing is, I could easily access my FB account via my phone, but it wasn't so easy to access you since I don't like to use the Internet at work too much. Don't want to get into trouble. So yeah.... I went with the easy choice. Sorry.

Well, as of this past Thursday, FB went bub-bye. I deactivated my account. There was one incident that occured the day before that was the tipping point, but in all actuality, there were many incidences and I have just decided that FB's cons far outweigh it's pros. It's too bad, because I was so glad to be in contact with long lost people from the past. I just couldn't deal with the drama, misinterpretations, back-stabbing, being stalked by weirdos, etc. I'm done. Sayonara sucka!

I actually felt an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders once I did it. No more being tied to my phone 24/7 wanting to know all the latest. The whole day was quite relaxing actually. Ultimately, even without the drama, FB should not be something that takes up so much of my time. That's what Reality TV is for anyway.... LOL. Just kidding. No, seriously though. All the time spent on FB could have been used somewhere else.... like praising/serving/communicating with God maybe? Yeah....

In other, better, amazingly awesome news....

I have been offered a very significant promotion to another Department. How significant? I'm skipping right through 4 secretary levels above what I currently hold. That is AMAZING and only from God. To Him be the glory because I know if it was purely on what I "deserve" I wouldn't be getting a darn thing.

Thank you, Lord, for your favor, even when I'm not doing as well as I can be in my relationship with you. You are TOO GOOD to me!

This promotion will enable me to pay my mortgage (STILL waiting for approval on the condo by the way) AND be able to live comfortably and maybe even get a better car with better gas mileage (and I'll definitely need it because I'll be driving far once I do move!). It is such a major blessing, I can't even explain to you.

Also good news:  I officially made my goal on Weight Watchers.  30 lbs lost!  Woop woop!!!!  I can't believe it.  It still feels too good to be true, but I'll still take it.  In fact, I decided to extend the goal to 40 lbs.  I'm going to try it out and see what happens.  I also ordered a brand new elliptical and I'm going to start getting back on the exercise wagon.  I definitely, if anything, want to start toning up now.  Who knows.... maybe by this time next year, I'll be able to rock a bikini.....  Okay, wishful thinking, I know.  lol

Sobre el amor...

Still no main squeeze, but it's okay.  I have been meeting people and getting out there and have discovered that maybe God's glad I'm doing that, but that doesn't mean that he's necessarily going to produce anyone right away.  There is one surprisingly one person at work, of all places, that might be a possibility, but only God knows exactly who it will be.  My job right now is to believe and have faith that "someone" is in the works at all and that God has my back.  In any case, hopefully my house will be approved soon and I can get back to my church, cause with all the guys there, if God doesn't have my sweetie waiting for me there, then I might have to come to grips with the idea that he (my sweetie) doesn't exist.....

NAH!   I'll never give up on the idea that he's out there waiting for God to help us find each other.  ;)

Okay, well that's all I got for now.  Tootles...

Oh, and P.S.  Happy birthday to my Mom!!  Crazy broad... lol

It's heeeeeeeere... and so is my nephew...

*shudder*

July is here.  My 30th birthday is in T-minus 17 days.  Aaaaaaaaa!!!

LOL.  Just kidding.  I'm not freaking out.... yet.

I have so much going on right now to really freak out. 

QUINN

My nephew Quinn was born 4 days ago on July 5.  He was 8 lbs, 9 oz.   (Now that's more like it!  Alexis was only like 7 lbs, which is tiny for my family.)  Because of all the drama with my sister and brother-in-law, I am waiting a little before I go see him.  I don't really want to have to come into too much contact with my sister's husband, if I can avoid it.  I just don't feel it's necessary.

ANYWAY, we are thanking God for our new addition to the family.  Babies are always a blessing and becoming an aunt never gets old.  =)

HOUSE

Still waiting on the bank to approve my offer. Hopefully soon and then we can go into Escrow, which hopefully won't take too much longer after that. I hope this happens sooner rather than later, because I'm ready. I'M SO READY.

WEIGHT LOSS

I'm officially down 26 lbs and holding (because I've been having a little too much fun lately... lol).  After my birthday, I'm going to hunker down again so that I can get down to my goal of 30 lbs.  If I lose that much I'll be happy.  If I lose more than that, I'll take it!  =)    Either way, I'm feeling great and enjoying feeling comfortable in my own skin and the seemingly neverending compliments I get.  Trying not to grow a ginormous head though.... ;)

REST OF LIFE

Things are weird lately.  I think I've just come to a few realizations:

• I need to get back to my church.  Life sucks without God's constant presence.  It's just not working without Him.  (Hurry, bank!)

• I can't have the type of relationship with my other sister that I've always wanted.  She will forever view me as the mentally jacked-up, fragile person I USED TO BE.  She will never respect me as a woman.  It doesn't matter how much I change.  It's partly my fault because of the YEARS of crap I put these people through when I was struggling with depression, but nevertheless, sometimes I just want to scream, "can't you see I've changed already!?!?!?!?!?!?!"   But it's just not going to happen.   I hate to say it, but I just need to live a separate life and not share so much with my family members anymore... well, at least not vulnerable stuff.  ANY moment of vulnerability immediately gets construed as weakness and me reverting back to who I used to be, instead of what it is:  a momentary emotional reaction to a negative situations that has occured.   Key word:  MOMENTARY.   The ones who haven't changed here are my family members.

• Playing off this last point.... I know it sounds mean, but I am ready to move on from everyone in my life.  Just want to start over with people who don't know me and don't have pre-formed judgements of who THEY think I am.  I'm getting tired of drama and finding out that I can't tell anyone anything without it getting out.  The sad thing is that this includes my own family members.  Sometimes I feel like I just can't trust anyone's word or that they truly have MY best interests at heart.   There is maybe one person in my life right now that I actually feel comfortable coming to with things without the whole world finding out or without judgement, and that's probably because this is someone who doesn't know my family or other friends.  Funny, but true.

• Dating around is okay, but I really just need to stick with believers and believers only.  Don't want to play with fire. 

• Overall, I need to get my stuff together and re-focus back on the Lord.  (See first point above. lol)

That's my update.  In the words of the Terminator, "I'll be back...."

Going back up again...

I know I am blessed.  I know this is MY year.  For the first time, the good things that happen to me far outweigh the bad.  I love it!   I love that I can see it!   God is good to me, despite myself.   =)

I was down for just a moment last week about the job and guy thing, but I'm over it. 

I stopped communicating with him and then, through different educational resources (both Christian and secular), realized that my problem was that I was trying to do the take-action, guy thing instead of letting him do that.  He's the guy... that's his job and guys like that jobm and when we let them do it, it helps them to like us even more. 

Oops.  Won't be doing that again.  ;)

Well, I stopped communicating and sure enough he got curious.  It was nice that the theory was proved, but he still didn't poke his head around enough and take action, so I'm pretty much no longer very interested and leaving that one alone.  I am chocking it up to a learning experience on what NOT to do. 

I love learning things and changing, so I'm actually happy for this experience.  I'm starting to see what works and what doesn't.  It's nice to feel like you have a game plan (for lack of a better term--it's definitely not about playing games).    I want to be the girl who is easygoing, not controlling, and can communicate her feelings in a way that makes a man respond positively instead of negatively (freaking out and running.... lol). 

We'll see what happens.  I have promised myself that I will not be committing to anyone for 6 months because of all I have going on.  So for now it's practice, practice, practice!


I heard some promising news about my house.  We are still waiting for bank approval, but they think it looks good.  I am excited, but not letting myself get too excited.   I almost bought some candlesticks for the house the other day, but stopped myself.  I know it's silly, but I feel like if I buy anything I will jinx everything.  =)


My sister is about to give birth and we still haven't seen each other since St. Patrick's day.   It's kinda strange, but at the same time, it really doesn't illicit any strong feelings on my part.  I just miss my niece, Alexis. 

The other day, the Lord impressed it upon my heart to have a spirit of reconciliation, so I texted my sister.  I basically apologized for hurting her in anyway and told her that I don't want to have problems because the Lord commands us to forgive. I also told her that our relationship will never be what it was, but I still love her and my niece and nephew. 

She responded saying that she forgave me and knows that much of what happened was her doing.  She also added that she loves me no matter what. 

That was that.  I don't think it will and frankly don't want it to lead to us going back to speaking and sharing our lives with each other, but at least I know I can be around my sister and not have a large amount of animosity toward her.  My brother-in-law on the other hand.... lol.  

Seriously, though, I love my sister and the kids, but I really don't want anything to do with that man anymore.  I don't NEED to have him in my life and I don't WANT to have him in my life.  I think I have to forgive him because that's what Jesus commanded us to do, but there is nowhere I know of in the Bible that says I need to have him in my life or ever even be in his presence, so yeah.

Anyway, things are good.  Hopefully very soon I will be able to anounce a new house and a new member of the family.  =)

Thank you, Lord, for your abundant and undeserved blessings.  I know I don't deserve them AT ALL, but by all means, keep them coming.  =)