Acts 14:22

Acts 14:22  "...'We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God,' they said."

It's been about a month since my last post.  Have I gotten over homeboy yet?  Of course not.  That would mean that the devil decided to leave me alone for once.  Not happening.  lol

I still pray for him and think about him, and I've even sent him a couple of devotionals, but I know now that it's pointless and I need to just move on.  Well, prayer is not pointless, but holding on is. 

This man is over it and is showing it by being very rude and un-Christianlike toward my friend who sits next to him.  The day before yesterday was the last straw for me.  She emailed me and told me that he came into work being overly friendly with everyone in the room and completely ignoring her.  I can't help but feel that his behavior toward her directly reflects his feelings toward me.  His message is being read loud and clear. 

I just have lost so much respect for this man and am still in shock that he's acting like this, but I am starting to become mad.  I know he feels guilty over 1) the lack of respect he showed me and our friendship; and 2) the way he's walked away from the Lord.  My friend is a reminder of both, but that in no way means she deserves this type of treatment... especially because she has been nothing but gracious toward him despite the way he treated me.

It's just sad that someone could treat his sisters in the Lord in this way.  I used to think he was a good man, and I know somewhere in there he still is, but maybe these are his true colors.   Well, I suppose these are all of our true colors when we aren't walking with the Lord.  *sigh*

Needless to say, I am definitely moving on at this point.  I don't even see being friends with him anymore.  He has shown himself to be unreliable, selfish, and full of pride.  I know the Lord will bring this man back to a right relationship with him (He did it with me).  I just pray it's sooner rather than later. 

Anyway...

I do have some good news:  I had put a backup offer in on a condo I really liked.  I didn't really think it would happen because its in a highly sought-after complex, but I guess the Lord has His own plans, right?  I got word from my realtor last week that the orginal buyer walked away and they wanted to submit my offer.  To say I was excited was an understatement.  Although, I try not to get too excited because, just like in my love life (lol), the minute I get attached, shazaam!  It's gone.  For now, I'm hopeful and feeling like this is going to be my house.   Please, Lord, let this be my house. 


Lord, I thank you for loving me so much.  Even when certain areas of my life feel like unrepairable mush, there are still other things that I can continue to rejoice over.  You are way too good to me and I know that the blessings will always outway the heartbreaks, though they continue.   Continue to make me better in You.  You are all that matters. 

#AdultProblems

So the year is still off to a bumpy start. I got kicked out by my sister on Tuesday.

What?! I know… I’m not the type who gets kicked out of anywhere.

My sister Katie and I have the best relationship out of the three sisters, but that doesn’t mean it’s perfect. For the last nearly 2 years I’ve been living with her and her best friend in a mobile home that belonged to my mother. Very recently, my Mom signed the house over to my sister because where we live the owner has to live in the house, and frankly Katie was the only one of us who would gladly take that dump. LOL.

The entire time I’ve lived there has been full of on-and-off tension. People are people and they will get on each other’s nerves from time to time. Nothing abnormal. Yeah, well, I think things are worse when you live with family. People take liberties with their own family that they wouldn’t take with other people. Liberties in this case include using my face wash, expensive hair products, body washes, and (WORST OF ALL IN MY BOOK) makeup… among other things.

I am not any more selfish than your average nice person, but I have a problem with someone using my stuff without asking, on the down-low, and knowing they are not going to replace it. Not only has my sister taken liberties with my things, but she has also depended way too much on her best friend and I to keep the house clean, make sure the water jugs are full, fold her laundry, attend to house issues/emergencies, all the while reminding us just how much it is HER house.

There is only so much a person can take… especially when we know that we are doing my sister a big favor by helping her with rent to begin with.

Well, yesterday she got upset with me because I told her I didn’t want to share my make-up with her. Her reaction was to say that she didn’t like sharing her house. To which I replied that I don’t NEED to be there. Then she stormed off.

Later on that morning, I get an email apologizing about her attitude toward me and blaming it on lack of sleep due to the deaf guy living in the house now who snores like a Rhino and how she feels uncomfortable and put out in her own home. (You brought the guy here, dude. Really?)

At that point, I decided I would just lay all my frustrations out and call her out on her crap. I did. She of course got defensive, by saying she wasn’t getting defensive and then proceeding to list all the bad things I supposedly do to make her upset, including not depositing my own rent check or folding her laundry. Yes, she really did. LOL. She also, as usual, blamed her lack of pulling her own weight on the fact that she works AND goes to school and doesn’t make as much money as we do.

I came back and basically told her enough was enough with the excuses. It is not our fault that she doesn’t make as much money, goes to school, and has debt. It’s time to stop acting like everyone is obligated to help her because in the real world, renters would never be asked to deposit their own rent checks, maintain the rented property, fold their landlord’s laundry, etc. I told her that it’s time to grow up and stop depending on others.

This is where things turned….

She then called me to tell me that I was right about her needing to grow up and that’s why I needed to leave/see if I could stay with my parents, so that she could start being more independent. (Except, she still has two other people in her house helping to pay rent, so yeah…) I told her that was fine (I could see what she was doing here). Then I told her that I had no where to take my stuff. She then turned petty on me and told me that I needed to be an adult and put it in storage (even though there will be an empty, un-used room in the house once I’m gone). I saw what her smart-butt was doing, so all I said was “okay.” I’m a big girl and I CAN handle my own business.

Ultimately, I’m not too upset about the situation. I was so fed-up and ready to go anyway. I was at my breaking point, which was why I laid out my frustrations to begin with. The good news is that I do have somewhere to go while I search for my house.

Yes, you read that correctly. My house. I am back on the Condo search, and it couldn’t have worked out more perfectly. My parents will not charge me rent, which will allow me to put even MORE money into savings while I wait through the process. The drive to work is gonna be no fun, but it will only be for a little while.

Before you think my sister are never going to speak again, I did end up telling her last night that I wasn’t upset and that I think this is probably best for all of us. I just truly pray that my sister starts to really reflect on herself and truly grow up and change. I don’t want her to depend on other people. I want her to spread her wings and fly on her own (as corny as that sounds), like I had to do. She will be better off for it… I know I am. 

No quiero...

I don't want to...

... stay in this house much longer.  I hate to sound like I'm complaining, but.... I'm tired of doing 100 dishes daily that I didn't even dirty.  I'm tired of no air conditioning or heat.  I'm tired of someone using my makeup, shampoo, body spray, lotions, feminine products, etc.  What is no bueno is that I don't know how much longer the house-hunting thing is going to take.  Maybe until I do find something decent, I should start looking at apartments again.  I just need my own space.  *sigh*

... worry any more.   I know I worry too much and it's SINFUL.  Literally.  It shows a lack of full faith in the Lord.  I wish I didn't worry so much.  I wish "casting all my cares" on the Lord was as easy as taking the garbage out, dumping it, and walking away.  It's not. 

... be alone anymore.  Not even just romantically, but physically.  I'm ready for a partner with whom I can spend my free time and enjoy life.  The fact is, the older you get, the less people you find who are alone.  Everyone is paired up and they don't have time for those who aren't.  Me, myself, and I isn't cutting it anymore.

... wait, but I have to.  If I push things or try to make things happen myself, they will just get fouled up.  It happens EVERY time.   I have to leave things in God's hands and trust that he's working it out and knows things I don't know.  He can see the whole picture.

... feel sorry for myself, despite all of the above.  This life is not a waste, but it can feel like I'm wasting it sometimes. 

I gotta get myself out there.  Lord, put opportunities to serve you in front of me.  Help me to be grateful for the blessings I have.  Send me where you need me.  Do with me what you will...

UPDATE:

How convenient that this is today's scripture:

Psalm 143:10 - “Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.”

Second thoughts... the Update

So after all my fear and fretting (which by now I should know better than to do), everything with me pulling out of the Condo went fine. I called the Realtor up and she was totally understandable. She even said that if I was her daughter she would advise me against getting the place too because of the driving distance.

Phew!

So now the hunt is back on. I'm hoping I can find something just as great (or even better?), but a lot closer to where I'll be hopefully working very soon. The good thing is that if for some crazy reason this promotion is not approved, I'm looking in a place where I will be minutes from where I work now.... so it will work out either way.

I'm kinda excited to get out and look again. I'm not gonna lie.... it's fun. =)

Hope I can find my very own place very soon... and for real this time. lol.

Second thoughts...

So I was recently offered an amazing promotion and I jumped all over it, even though I know that the drive from where I'm trying to purchase my condo to work will be horrendously long. I couldn't pass up the opportunity, but now I'm having buyer's remorse... for the Condo.

Thankfully, it's not bought... yet.

When I agreed to commit to this particular place I really didn't foresee getting any kind of promotion in the near future and was fine with the location and how far it is from my current workplace. Well now that I know I will have to drive AT LEAST an hour and a half (one way) every day, I'm really not so sure about the location.

I've been waiting for a good 3 months now to hear back from the bank (it's a short sale). I still haven't gotten any news. I've also been sort of checking out condos a little closer to Downtown LA and the prices are really going down (a few months ago, the areas I was looking at were way out of my price range). I'm starting to think I might want to pull out of this one and start looking elsewhere.

The problem? My conscience. When my realtor put my offer in, she asked me if I was sure I wanted to commit because they had already had someone else walk away from the property in the middle of the process. I assured her that yes I was ready to commit.

Yeah, well that was before I got offered a job a million miles away.

I am a woman of my word and I don't make promises I don't intend to keep, but I also had no way of knowing that God had a huge blessing in store for me... So.... now I'm completely torn. I really don't want the house anymore. I really do want to look closer to work. I really don't want to let these people or my realtor down and definitely don't want anyone upset with me.

*sigh*

The other problem? Although I'm confident this job is mine, there is no guarantee until the paperwork is signed and approved. There is also no guarantee that the bank will approve the short sale.

Right now I don't know if I should call the realtor and tell her I want out so I don't waste anyone's time any more than I need to, or wait and see what happens. I have no idea.

I've been praying like crazy asking the Lord to tell me what to do, and so far I still don't know.

If it were up to me, I would just pull out, to be honest, but I want to make sure that what I want is exactly what the Lord wants for me also...

=(

Think happy thoughts...

The following blog post is designed to take my mind off of my current troubles and help me think happy thoughts. Here goes nothin...

40 Days.

40 days til Time Square, Central Park, Brooklyn, pizza, boots & scarves, Broadway, taxis, Grand Central Station, delis and pastrami sandwiches, World Trade Center, Serendipity, Harlem, etc.

=)

Seems like forever ago that my sister and I started planning this trip to New York City and in just a little over one month, we will finally be there. To say I'm excited is an understatement. I. Cannot. Wait.

I know it's going to be AMAZING! Oh, NYC, I love you so very much! You are my most favorite city in the whole wide world! I'm coming, baby.

$990

$990 is how much it is estimated that I will now be paying in mortgage payment (if this short sale is ever approved) now that the interest rates have gone down. That is like the going rate for a studio apartment right now. Crazy! Man, the Lord is so good to me. That was pretty much the ideal amount of money I wanted to have to pay every month, and if the rates still continue to go down before the bank approves the short sale, I'll be even more blessed.

Man, thank you, Lord. You always give me so much more than I even deserve. Wow! And with this new promotion, if it too is approved, I will be able to save up some money and hopefully give back to Your kingdom.

Oh Lord God Almighty, please continue to shower me with your favor, even though I don't deserve anything wonderful. You are amazing!

Forgive me also for not trusting in you enough. You know my circumstances and I know that you are protecting me and looking out for my best interests. Thank you, Lord. Thank you that I have nothing to fear because you are on my side. Thank you that you are my advocate and my defender. Thank you that no harm can come to me because of you.

Amen!

Sometimes, looking at the good things that are going on helps you to see how unimportant the bad things are. This blog was a good idea. =)

Life happens...

First of all, sorry Blog (and my one follower) for not checking in for awhile. As you can see, I am alive. =)

I have been uber busy lately. The entire month of July was one giant celebration. I was so spoiled. I even got a giant surprise party where I was..... SUPRISED. Big time. They scared the living daylights out of me and there was definitely some cussing involved. (Oops!) Hey, I'm not good with being surprised or scared. They are lucky no one got punched. It was great though and I can definitely say I am super blessed and felt very loved.

Happy 30th Birthday to me!!! It definitely was happy... I will post a more detailed blog about what went down very soon. Promise.

Moving on....

I'm going to be upfront with you, Blog. I haven't been around much because I was way too wrapped up in Facebook (FB). The thing is, I could easily access my FB account via my phone, but it wasn't so easy to access you since I don't like to use the Internet at work too much. Don't want to get into trouble. So yeah.... I went with the easy choice. Sorry.

Well, as of this past Thursday, FB went bub-bye. I deactivated my account. There was one incident that occured the day before that was the tipping point, but in all actuality, there were many incidences and I have just decided that FB's cons far outweigh it's pros. It's too bad, because I was so glad to be in contact with long lost people from the past. I just couldn't deal with the drama, misinterpretations, back-stabbing, being stalked by weirdos, etc. I'm done. Sayonara sucka!

I actually felt an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders once I did it. No more being tied to my phone 24/7 wanting to know all the latest. The whole day was quite relaxing actually. Ultimately, even without the drama, FB should not be something that takes up so much of my time. That's what Reality TV is for anyway.... LOL. Just kidding. No, seriously though. All the time spent on FB could have been used somewhere else.... like praising/serving/communicating with God maybe? Yeah....

In other, better, amazingly awesome news....

I have been offered a very significant promotion to another Department. How significant? I'm skipping right through 4 secretary levels above what I currently hold. That is AMAZING and only from God. To Him be the glory because I know if it was purely on what I "deserve" I wouldn't be getting a darn thing.

Thank you, Lord, for your favor, even when I'm not doing as well as I can be in my relationship with you. You are TOO GOOD to me!

This promotion will enable me to pay my mortgage (STILL waiting for approval on the condo by the way) AND be able to live comfortably and maybe even get a better car with better gas mileage (and I'll definitely need it because I'll be driving far once I do move!). It is such a major blessing, I can't even explain to you.

Also good news:  I officially made my goal on Weight Watchers.  30 lbs lost!  Woop woop!!!!  I can't believe it.  It still feels too good to be true, but I'll still take it.  In fact, I decided to extend the goal to 40 lbs.  I'm going to try it out and see what happens.  I also ordered a brand new elliptical and I'm going to start getting back on the exercise wagon.  I definitely, if anything, want to start toning up now.  Who knows.... maybe by this time next year, I'll be able to rock a bikini.....  Okay, wishful thinking, I know.  lol

Sobre el amor...

Still no main squeeze, but it's okay.  I have been meeting people and getting out there and have discovered that maybe God's glad I'm doing that, but that doesn't mean that he's necessarily going to produce anyone right away.  There is one surprisingly one person at work, of all places, that might be a possibility, but only God knows exactly who it will be.  My job right now is to believe and have faith that "someone" is in the works at all and that God has my back.  In any case, hopefully my house will be approved soon and I can get back to my church, cause with all the guys there, if God doesn't have my sweetie waiting for me there, then I might have to come to grips with the idea that he (my sweetie) doesn't exist.....

NAH!   I'll never give up on the idea that he's out there waiting for God to help us find each other.  ;)

Okay, well that's all I got for now.  Tootles...

Oh, and P.S.  Happy birthday to my Mom!!  Crazy broad... lol

It's heeeeeeeere... and so is my nephew...

*shudder*

July is here.  My 30th birthday is in T-minus 17 days.  Aaaaaaaaa!!!

LOL.  Just kidding.  I'm not freaking out.... yet.

I have so much going on right now to really freak out. 

QUINN

My nephew Quinn was born 4 days ago on July 5.  He was 8 lbs, 9 oz.   (Now that's more like it!  Alexis was only like 7 lbs, which is tiny for my family.)  Because of all the drama with my sister and brother-in-law, I am waiting a little before I go see him.  I don't really want to have to come into too much contact with my sister's husband, if I can avoid it.  I just don't feel it's necessary.

ANYWAY, we are thanking God for our new addition to the family.  Babies are always a blessing and becoming an aunt never gets old.  =)

HOUSE

Still waiting on the bank to approve my offer. Hopefully soon and then we can go into Escrow, which hopefully won't take too much longer after that. I hope this happens sooner rather than later, because I'm ready. I'M SO READY.

WEIGHT LOSS

I'm officially down 26 lbs and holding (because I've been having a little too much fun lately... lol).  After my birthday, I'm going to hunker down again so that I can get down to my goal of 30 lbs.  If I lose that much I'll be happy.  If I lose more than that, I'll take it!  =)    Either way, I'm feeling great and enjoying feeling comfortable in my own skin and the seemingly neverending compliments I get.  Trying not to grow a ginormous head though.... ;)

REST OF LIFE

Things are weird lately.  I think I've just come to a few realizations:

• I need to get back to my church.  Life sucks without God's constant presence.  It's just not working without Him.  (Hurry, bank!)

• I can't have the type of relationship with my other sister that I've always wanted.  She will forever view me as the mentally jacked-up, fragile person I USED TO BE.  She will never respect me as a woman.  It doesn't matter how much I change.  It's partly my fault because of the YEARS of crap I put these people through when I was struggling with depression, but nevertheless, sometimes I just want to scream, "can't you see I've changed already!?!?!?!?!?!?!"   But it's just not going to happen.   I hate to say it, but I just need to live a separate life and not share so much with my family members anymore... well, at least not vulnerable stuff.  ANY moment of vulnerability immediately gets construed as weakness and me reverting back to who I used to be, instead of what it is:  a momentary emotional reaction to a negative situations that has occured.   Key word:  MOMENTARY.   The ones who haven't changed here are my family members.

• Playing off this last point.... I know it sounds mean, but I am ready to move on from everyone in my life.  Just want to start over with people who don't know me and don't have pre-formed judgements of who THEY think I am.  I'm getting tired of drama and finding out that I can't tell anyone anything without it getting out.  The sad thing is that this includes my own family members.  Sometimes I feel like I just can't trust anyone's word or that they truly have MY best interests at heart.   There is maybe one person in my life right now that I actually feel comfortable coming to with things without the whole world finding out or without judgement, and that's probably because this is someone who doesn't know my family or other friends.  Funny, but true.

• Dating around is okay, but I really just need to stick with believers and believers only.  Don't want to play with fire. 

• Overall, I need to get my stuff together and re-focus back on the Lord.  (See first point above. lol)

That's my update.  In the words of the Terminator, "I'll be back...."

Going back up again...

I know I am blessed.  I know this is MY year.  For the first time, the good things that happen to me far outweigh the bad.  I love it!   I love that I can see it!   God is good to me, despite myself.   =)

I was down for just a moment last week about the job and guy thing, but I'm over it. 

I stopped communicating with him and then, through different educational resources (both Christian and secular), realized that my problem was that I was trying to do the take-action, guy thing instead of letting him do that.  He's the guy... that's his job and guys like that jobm and when we let them do it, it helps them to like us even more. 

Oops.  Won't be doing that again.  ;)

Well, I stopped communicating and sure enough he got curious.  It was nice that the theory was proved, but he still didn't poke his head around enough and take action, so I'm pretty much no longer very interested and leaving that one alone.  I am chocking it up to a learning experience on what NOT to do. 

I love learning things and changing, so I'm actually happy for this experience.  I'm starting to see what works and what doesn't.  It's nice to feel like you have a game plan (for lack of a better term--it's definitely not about playing games).    I want to be the girl who is easygoing, not controlling, and can communicate her feelings in a way that makes a man respond positively instead of negatively (freaking out and running.... lol). 

We'll see what happens.  I have promised myself that I will not be committing to anyone for 6 months because of all I have going on.  So for now it's practice, practice, practice!


I heard some promising news about my house.  We are still waiting for bank approval, but they think it looks good.  I am excited, but not letting myself get too excited.   I almost bought some candlesticks for the house the other day, but stopped myself.  I know it's silly, but I feel like if I buy anything I will jinx everything.  =)


My sister is about to give birth and we still haven't seen each other since St. Patrick's day.   It's kinda strange, but at the same time, it really doesn't illicit any strong feelings on my part.  I just miss my niece, Alexis. 

The other day, the Lord impressed it upon my heart to have a spirit of reconciliation, so I texted my sister.  I basically apologized for hurting her in anyway and told her that I don't want to have problems because the Lord commands us to forgive. I also told her that our relationship will never be what it was, but I still love her and my niece and nephew. 

She responded saying that she forgave me and knows that much of what happened was her doing.  She also added that she loves me no matter what. 

That was that.  I don't think it will and frankly don't want it to lead to us going back to speaking and sharing our lives with each other, but at least I know I can be around my sister and not have a large amount of animosity toward her.  My brother-in-law on the other hand.... lol.  

Seriously, though, I love my sister and the kids, but I really don't want anything to do with that man anymore.  I don't NEED to have him in my life and I don't WANT to have him in my life.  I think I have to forgive him because that's what Jesus commanded us to do, but there is nowhere I know of in the Bible that says I need to have him in my life or ever even be in his presence, so yeah.

Anyway, things are good.  Hopefully very soon I will be able to anounce a new house and a new member of the family.  =)

Thank you, Lord, for your abundant and undeserved blessings.  I know I don't deserve them AT ALL, but by all means, keep them coming.  =)

Condo: The Update

So last weekend I had put in offers on two condos. One I liked a little more than the other because it is larger, but I could see myself in either. Guess which one accepted? The smaller one. Haha! Figures. Lol

Well, apparently the other was just not what the Lord had in mind. I am still super excited about the other. We ate going ahead with it. Now its just a matter of the bank approving it (it's a short sale). I believe that it is highly likely this will be my new home. :)

Its all happening so fast--unusually fast--but that's the way God works. His ways are many times beyond our understanding. Its supernatural for sure.

Now its time to take a good look at my budget and start trimming the fat...

Househunting and stuff...

So I officially have two offers in on two condos... so far. I know they say not to get excited about the first properties you find, but something tells me I have a pretty decent shot with either one.

The realtor, my good friend Mandy, and I looked at a good amount of places, but some were just not a good fit for one reason or another. So it was narrowed down to the two, both being places in which I could see myself living. Nothing is guaranteed, so I will continue searching for now.

One thing's for sure--it sure is hard not to get excited and run out to start buying stuff for the house. Must. Have. Self-control. Lol...

I've been on three major interviews in the last month. I think I did well on all three, but there is one I'm hoping to get the most. Whichever one the Lord decides to bless me with will be appreciated... by me AND my future mortgage...

I'm heading out to Las Vegas this weekend for my friend Jen's birthday. I'm super excited. It should be fun.

This will be my first trip to Vegas in a long time. I'm looking forward to laying out at the pool and not feeling AS self-conscious as I would have 21 lbs ago. :)

Lord, I can't say it enough lately: Thank You for all of these undeserved blessings. You are so good to me! Life is amazing...

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