Self-defeat...

I've always thought I was ready for the responsibility of relationship, marriage, children, etc.  THOUGHT.

What you think and what is aren't always the same.  What you think about yourself in your conscious mind and what you think about yourself in your subconscious can also be two different things. 

Now that I re-examine my life, I can see that while I though I was ready, I was not.  While I tried to convince myself that I "deserved" these things, inside I really felt unworthy and scared of these things.  For the first time in my life I feel like I am almost ready.

Yes, I said ALMOST.

God has put someone special into my life and every ounce of my conscious self feels completely ready for what could come, but I think the subconscious is still not there. 

How do I know?  Because I find myself drifting into insecurity (with not good reason) and self-sabatoge, without wanting to.  I really don't want this to not work.  I really don't want to be the one to ruin it, but it's almost like I can't help myself.  I hate this about myself right now. 

I posted this to my Facebook wall yesterday, which pretty much sums up everything:

"I'm sick and tired of my own foolishness.  We don't deserve anything God gives us and maybe somewhere deep down we want to ruin our own chances because we feel unworthy.  May it stop today!"

Lord, please make it stop.   It is true that I am not unworthy, but that does not take away from the fact that you are my Father and You want to bless me and see me succeed.  Help me to have the courage to get out my own way, but more importantly out of Your way and let You do what You do best.  I love You.  Thank you for loving me more...