I'm looking back at that journal and this blog to the things that have happened in the last year or so and I feel like deja vu is going down here. A few posts ago I was talking about my breakup and the struggle to get over it and not be hurting. Fast forward a little and I'm talking about the hope I had for restoration. Well, now I'm here at square one again... hurt. Except now you can add disappointed and sometimes just angry.
The beautiful thing about us breaking up the first time was that God used it to open up my eyes to the things inside of me that needed to change. Little by little, He's been showing me the things that could have hindered me from having a successful marriage in the future. As painful as it was, I welcomed it. "Hit me, Jesus!" I want to be set straight!
Proverbs 3:11-12 (NIV) "My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in."
In that time apart I have been hoping and praying that my Ex would make the best of it also. I believed that the Lord would use the time and the experience to grow and mature him also--to teach him how to be a godly man who can lead and who loves God first. I know God had much to show him too, but he needed to be open to that. He needed to be welcoming of it. He needed to be looking for it. Instead, he started feeding the homeless.
What's wrong with feeding the homeless? Nothing. It's a good thing, but it means nothing if it's not done for the Lord's glory. If any work you do is only done for the world to see how "good" you are, it's meaningless. It's for you to be glorified. It's for the appearance of godliness. It doesn't change the heart. What did NOT happen was him seeking out godly men to disciple him, him developing an insatiable appetite for the Word, him growing in maturity, him humbling himself in any way.
1 Samuel 16:7 (ESV) "But the Lord said to Samuel, 'Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.'”
Unfortunately, I did not see these things in our time apart because I was maintaining a bit of distance between us. I was relying on the words of other to tell me that they saw him "growing." I was also letting my fears get the best of me and started freaking out at the idea of him moving on. So being the idiot that I am sometimes, I started pushing things. In one of my previous posts, I mention that he came over on Christmas Eve and that we shared time together on New Year's Eve. Then, I changed my approach. I started being in a lot of prayer about what the Lord would have me do and I clearly knew He was telling me to step back and let Him deal with my Ex directly. He was going to speak to him about whether or not we should move forward again. So I listened. I stood back.
Then I found us spending time together here and there in group settings. Things were going well. A very select few people were praying for us. I was trying to take it easy. Then one day he invited me to a party with him. I went and we had a great time. People thought we were together and we didn't exactly correct them. On the way home, he asked if we could get movies and watch them at my house.
"Say no, Kristina! You know better than that!"
We picked up the movies and went back to my house. We ended up on the couch, cuddling. No kissing, or anything like that, but still. We should not have been doing this. I should not have allowed a man who is not my boyfriend, let alone my husband, in my house alone at night and certainly not cuddling on the couch. I guess in my mind, this was the Lord "working it out." At one point, he asked me if I loved him. I nodded a "yes." I thought to myself, "Lord, I do love him. Fix this already."
After that day we made more plans to do things together, but we both had no interest in telling the whole world. I told a few select, trustworthy sisters, so that I could stay accountable and they could pray for us. Then something strange happened. One night we spoke on the phone and the conversation went in a weird direction. He started accusing me of things I've never done. These were things that "people" had told him. Then he started asking me if I thought the Lord separated us because He didn't want us together. I told him that I did not; that, in fact, I felt the Lord wanted us to grow apart from each other so that we could have a successful relationship together with each other. He told me he didn't know what he wanted. I then gave him a chance to tell me if God was telling him that we should not be together. He said no. Then he told me that I had a wall up and didn't share my true feelings with him. I asked how he didn't know my feelings after I had just recently told him (on my couch) that I love him... ?? It was just very strange.
He kept pushing. In that moment, my instincts (aka the Holy Spirit) were telling me not to share my true feelings with him, but I completely ignored the warning. I thought, "maybe he needs to know how I feel so that he will feel secure moving forward." So I did it. I poured my little heart out to him... everything. We talked about other things. He told me that he has not changed and is still the same guy, which I thought meant that I needed to accept him the way he is (I now know, he meant just that... no change at all). I told him I trusted him and knew he would never hurt me like other guys have. We agreed to pray about it, that now was not the time, that we should continue growing as friends, and we should continue with our plans to hang out.
Next day, he was texting me in the morning, pumped about plans we had to go to Disneyland the following day. I had no idea what was coming.
That evening I came back from Bible Study and my phone started ringing. It was him. I answered and he told me he had "good news." That made me sit up. Then he proceeded to tell me that he had fasted and prayed and "God said no."
Wait, what?
At first I was speechless. I know the Lord told me He would speak to my Ex about whether we should move forward, but everything in me knew this was NOT from the Lord. When in the world did he fast and pray? Since that very morning when he was texting me about Disneyland? Or was it beforehand when he was hanging out at my house? It didn't make sense. I tried to reason with him, but I wasn't going to sit there and try to convince him. His mind was made up. Well at least it seemed others had made up his mind for him. At the end, I hung up... angry and confused, but 100% positive it was not from the Lord.
The next morning, I was of course broken. I prayed all day and then sent him a text. I brought up things that didn't line up and then asked him to please truly fast and pray to see what the Lord wants because I didn't think it was really from the Lord. I sent it and he immediately replied. He stood by everything he said the night before and disregarded the inconsistencies. That was that. I let it go. I was not going to beg or look anymore foolish than I already looked after pouring my heart out to this bozo.
So the door was shut. He shut it. That was that. I purposed in my heart to let it go. People asked if I thought maybe it was not the Lord's will after all that we be together, but I don't believe that. Despite our mistakes, I felt the Lord was trying to give us a gift of a second chance. I believe that when God wants to give us a gift, he gives us free will to choose whether we want to accept it or reject it. It's like Salvation. It's a gift and some people choose not to accept it, but it's ultimately a choice God let's them have.
The Ex chose no. The end. Well, not quite...
Not long after this (literally less than a week), my instincts started telling me that he was going to backtrack. He was going to realize he messed up and reacted out of fear instead of truly seeking the Lord for direction and guidance. I confessed this instinct to a sister in Christ and asked her to help me stay away from him. I was not going to let him play with my heart. Plus, I was angry. Really angry. I don't think anyone would blame me either. Eventually, I realized I needed to forgive. I sent him a text telling him how he hurt me, but that I wanted to forgive and move forward to what God has for me. I sent it and then blocked him. I didn't care what his response was. I just wanted closure.
Then about a week before I was to leave to Israel (future blog post on that to come), I went to Disneyland with a friend. While there, I get a call from one of the Ex's closest friends. This guy had just told me that God was restoring his marriage with his estranged wife. His tone of voice scared me and I thought something had gone wrong. He wasn't calling about himself though. He was calling to tell me how brokenhearted the Ex was and how we had not been nice to each other lately. I was confused. I thought he was referring to our initial breakup, which was not something I "did" to him. He clarified that lately I had not been the nicest to the Ex. That's when I realized he had no idea about "the Lord saying no." The Ex wasn't being honest with anyone. He has no accountability.
So I took the opportunity to tell his friend the truth of what had happened... even the mistakes I made. After he heard that, his tone changed. He then told me he understood why I was angry and hurt. He didn't believe that what the Ex said was from the Lord either. It was fear and immaturity. I felt so vindicated, but also very irritated by the whole thing. Especially because despite how obviously wrong the Ex had treated me, his friend was still trying to convince me to give him a chance. No way, Jose! I told him that even if I thought about maybe letting him back in my life, it would be after a lot of work and change on his part. I left it at that; he remained BLOCKED. I was more concerned at that point with my trip to Israel anyway. I was looking forward to be renewed and refreshed and not having to think about all this stupid drama.
I went to Israel and hardly thought of the situation. It was a blessed time. The Lord spoke to me about a few things. Heading back, I did feel that I wanted to seek the Lord on whether I needed to give the Ex another chance. For sure I knew I needed to show him grace. The day after we returned from our trip, his sister (my friend) was throwing her son's 1st birthday party. I had promised I would go and didn't want to break my promise, despite the extreme jetlag I was experience (I was literally like a hungover zombie... lol). I got to the party and prayed. I asked the Lord to help me be gracious and kind. I love the family and didn't want to be a jerk. I also didn't want any reason for anyone to look at me like I was the bad guy. Again, just like the "God said no" conversation, I didn't see what happened next coming... and that grace I was showing was about to go out the window.
A few hours into the party all seemed to be going well. I was chit-chatting with his parents, like old times. It was nice to see that they didn't hate my guts. Then here it comes. The sister and the mom start acting strange. Next thing I know, the sister is telling me that my Ex had approached one of our leaders at church for advice on how to get me back. Apparently, he wanted us to be friends again and as soon as we were close friends, he wanted to marry me. She said he wanted to talk to me. I was shocked and told her, "he told me the Lord said no!" She acknowledged she was aware of that, but I knew she probably didn't know the whole story. I proceeded to try to give her the quick run down (which is obviously hard if you look at the size of this blog post). At the end, she said she understood, but told me that we both needed to forgive each other.
Uh, okay... not sure what I did, but yeah. HE was the one who lead my heart in a certain direction. HE is the one who let me be completely vulnerable and then stomped all over my feelings. HE is the one who lied to me.
Well, he wanted to talk, so he walked me to my car and we talked. Well, more like he talked and I yelled. I was beyond annoyed. First off, I JUST got back from Israel and they couldn't wait for me to be rested and settled in before they corner me and lay this on me? When I said that to him, his response was that HE was suffering the whole time I was gone and HE couldn't wait to talk to me. Wah wah wah... Me me me! That's all I heard. Secondly, he didn't even apologize to me for hurting my heart, breaking my trust, lying to me, and stamping God's name on that lie. He only apologized when I told him he owed me an apology, but even then he added, "but it's cause I was mad." Mad at what? And are you basically telling me you hurt me on purpose? Was this your revenge for me breaking up with you?
The whole conversation was a disaster. It was so clear to me that he had not learned anything. He was like a little boy who was freaking out because he lost his toy. None of it was about any remorse for what he had done to me. I just walked away seeing him so differently. This man was NO WHERE near where he needs to be. Nothing has changed since we broke up. Nothing. No growth. No maturity. No humility.
In the end, he asked if we could pray about getting back together. I told him to go ahead and pray (I had been praying this whole time and he admitted he hadn't... what's the difference now?). He asked what he needed to do and I told him that I couldn't tell him, but that it would have to be a lot. I told him that only Jesus can tell him what he needs to do to win me back because I gave my heart to the Lord for Him to decide who it should go to (because obviously I do a terrible job choosing... read through old posts to see for yourself). He said a prayer and asked that I un-block him. I told him I would if he didn't blow up my phone. Even that he didn't respect though because in the weeks to come he was sending me text after text of recycled Bible verses and devotionals. I knew he was not actually getting in his Word. He was doing the one thing that was going to make things worse: not giving me space.
So I gave it a couple of weeks. I asked the Lord to confirm whether I should give it one more shot. Silence. I knew in my heart that I had lost all respect and trust in him and I could not be lead by a man who I don't respect and can't follow. How could I follow someone who could so easily lie to me and about the Lord telling him something? I can't. I don't want a relationship like that for myself or for him. So I finally did what needed to be done... I told him that it was a no. This man made it a no a long time ago. He chose this. This is the consequence of a decision he made.
So here I am. Alone... by choice. But not by choice.
This is not how I wanted this to happen. This is not what I would have chosen. I wanted everything to turn out and for us to grow into a relationship with each other. Instead, he made a decision to reject that and in the process ruined everything. Why couldn't he just have grown? Why couldn't he just have sought the Lord? Why couldn't he have been accountable and real about his struggles? Etc. Etc. Etc. Woulda, coulda, shoulda... as they say.
I'm back to feeling hurt. It's like a break up all over again. The only thing I know for sure is that God is good and I have learned a lot from this. Never again will I give my heart to someone I barely know. I will always make sure that any man I give any time to is a solid, grounded believer who bares fruit and has known the Lord for a while.
Before you think I completely hate this guy's guts, I don't. When I broke the news to him that it wasn't going to happen, I was as gracious as I could be. I tried not to throw all his mistakes in his face. I was just honest. He understood. I also ended the conversation with as much encouragement as I could. I told him that I believe in him. I believe that with growth and maturity, he WILL be a great husband one day and the man that God is calling him to me. I told him that I pray he allows the Lord to search his heart to show him where he needs to grow. He finished it off with a prayer for both of us and our future spouses. That was hard.
I pray that God gives me the strength to continue to choose Him over anything and anyone and to allow him to choose "the one." I can't do this anymore. I want the next guy to be the last. I'm grateful for the work God has done and will continue to do. I'm grateful for the lessons learned and the heart changes that are being made in me.
Romans 8:28 "All things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose."
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