Still here... barely

I'm still here, blog.  Sorry I've neglected you.  So much has been happening.  Busy at work, which I love.  Have an offer in on a condo (short sale).  Started going to the young adult (26-35 year olds) ministry at church and it's been a big blessing.  Started journaling my thoughts and prayers in a notebook instead of here (sorry!).  =)

Oh and there's that other thing...  The thing where I'm still trying to get over the boy (I know... stupid).  It's been a LOT better than it was a month ago, but I still wonder and ruminate over everything.  If I could have things my way, we would reconcile and be friends again, and part of me thinks that could happen one day, but I know it won't be after a lot of time has passed. 

My sister has a boyfriend now.  She met him a month ago.  A MONTH and it already seems like this one is the One for her.

Now don't get me wrong.  I'm over the moon for my sister and I actually prayed for this, but I admit, it feels like a slap in the face.  I can't help but feel frustrated and wonder what in the name of all that is just and right I'm doing wrong.  My sister JUST decided to start dating again and WHAM!, prayers answered.  I've been trying to put myself out there for over a year and all I've gotten is one situation that was a bust.  *sigh*

Lord, please.  Please.  I need your reassurance right now.  I need some hope.  I need to know that I'm not going to be alone forever.  *tear* 

Forgive my weakness...

Acts 14:22

Acts 14:22  "...'We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God,' they said."

It's been about a month since my last post.  Have I gotten over homeboy yet?  Of course not.  That would mean that the devil decided to leave me alone for once.  Not happening.  lol

I still pray for him and think about him, and I've even sent him a couple of devotionals, but I know now that it's pointless and I need to just move on.  Well, prayer is not pointless, but holding on is. 

This man is over it and is showing it by being very rude and un-Christianlike toward my friend who sits next to him.  The day before yesterday was the last straw for me.  She emailed me and told me that he came into work being overly friendly with everyone in the room and completely ignoring her.  I can't help but feel that his behavior toward her directly reflects his feelings toward me.  His message is being read loud and clear. 

I just have lost so much respect for this man and am still in shock that he's acting like this, but I am starting to become mad.  I know he feels guilty over 1) the lack of respect he showed me and our friendship; and 2) the way he's walked away from the Lord.  My friend is a reminder of both, but that in no way means she deserves this type of treatment... especially because she has been nothing but gracious toward him despite the way he treated me.

It's just sad that someone could treat his sisters in the Lord in this way.  I used to think he was a good man, and I know somewhere in there he still is, but maybe these are his true colors.   Well, I suppose these are all of our true colors when we aren't walking with the Lord.  *sigh*

Needless to say, I am definitely moving on at this point.  I don't even see being friends with him anymore.  He has shown himself to be unreliable, selfish, and full of pride.  I know the Lord will bring this man back to a right relationship with him (He did it with me).  I just pray it's sooner rather than later. 

Anyway...

I do have some good news:  I had put a backup offer in on a condo I really liked.  I didn't really think it would happen because its in a highly sought-after complex, but I guess the Lord has His own plans, right?  I got word from my realtor last week that the orginal buyer walked away and they wanted to submit my offer.  To say I was excited was an understatement.  Although, I try not to get too excited because, just like in my love life (lol), the minute I get attached, shazaam!  It's gone.  For now, I'm hopeful and feeling like this is going to be my house.   Please, Lord, let this be my house. 


Lord, I thank you for loving me so much.  Even when certain areas of my life feel like unrepairable mush, there are still other things that I can continue to rejoice over.  You are way too good to me and I know that the blessings will always outway the heartbreaks, though they continue.   Continue to make me better in You.  You are all that matters. 

Answers...

I wish I could say that I always get answers to my questions, but this is reality.  Sometimes we don't get to know.  Then sometimes we get answers, but they aren't exactly the answers we wanted. 

Today I got an answer.  It wasn't something I would have wanted, but it was necessary...

Let me backtrack.  As I mentioned in my first post of the year, things went in a not-so-good direction with the special person in my life.  It's been about a month since we last communicated and I was doing well with not being upset and letting it get to me.  I was trying to move on and focus on what matters... God's plan for my life. 

I shared what was going on with people around me and started getting the same reaction from a few people:  "He's going to realize the mistake he's made and come back."   To me that sounded far-fetched, but then again,  I believe in a God who can do things like that.  So I guess I started allowing myself to hope because afterall, "hope comes from the Lord."  There is nothing really wrong with hoping, but the problem is that for me to hope opens the door for me to become consumed with something that may not even happen. 

On top of this smidgen of hope, I've also felt that the Lord is calling me to pray for this man.  There have even been times where I tried to "forget" to pray for him and then the Lord sort of says, "hey... you forgot someone."  I don't mind praying for my "friend," but it's hard to forget someone when you have to think of him at least once a day in prayer. 

Anyway, all this to say that I've had a hard time letting go and moving on because this guy is in my thoughts, and even my dreams, all the time.

Well, this morning, I broke down and asked the Lord to help me move on.  Whether or not this man will ever be a part of my life, right now, in this moment of my life, I need to forget him and move on.  I cried out to God to help me to forget and move on, even if I'm still called to pray for him.

God was listening.

A few hours later, I'm at my desk and my friend (who happens to sit in the cubicle right next to him) texts me to see how I'm doing.  I confess to her that I've had Mr. Man on my mind constantly and its been driving me crazy.  She first started telling me that she doesn't like him anymore and that he was wrong for not being genuine with me after I laid out all my feelings.  I knew she was going somewhere with this and asked her to tell me what's up.  That's when she told me that he announced at work that he had gone on a date Saturday night.

Wham!  How's that for a reason to move on and let go?  lol.

It stung, but by God's grace it didn't devastate me.   I told her that he has every right to date and that I was glad she told me.  She, like a good friend, reinforced how disappointed in him she is.  I appreciated it, but I told her that I still am not angry with him.  (For the record, despite those baby hopes that someday God would fix everything and we would be together [which He could still do if He wanted to], I truly forgave him a while ago and have wanted at the very least to reconcile our friendship.) 

I left it alone, but then something dawned on me at lunch.  I had asked God this very morning to help me move on and through that text conversation with my dear friend, He answered my prayers.  He is showing me that I do indeed need to move on. 

So now not only have I had the clear and straighforward messages from God that I need to trust Him and wait on Him, but He has also made it clear that I need to move on and move forward.

I hear you, Lord.  You are coming in loud and clear.  I am listening.  Please help me now to obey...

As for my friend, Lord, be with him.  Keep Your hands on him and continue to bless him.  Draw him close to You and fix his eyes upon You.  Reveal your plan for him and show him that You are all that matters.  Lord, convict his heart of those things that hinder his relationship with You.  Refine both of us.  Sift us Lord.  Make us both better in you. 

You know why this has happened the way it has and I trust that You will never do anything to harm me.  Everything You allow to happen is for our good and Your glory.  Thank you, Lord.   "You give and take away... my heart will choose to say, 'Lord, Blessed be Your Name.'"

It's a new year. Let's make it a good one...

"A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all..." Psalm 34:19


I've been missing in action, blog.  Sorry.  A lot has happened.   Actually, things took a turn only hours after my last blog post was published.  Long story, but the gist is that the special person in my life is no more. 

Things were awkward and very much up in the air.  I was confused and sad.  I finally asked him if something had changed.  No answer.  3 weeks later, still no answer.  

They say that sometimes no answer IS your answer, but I think part of me knew that I wouldn't get an aswer even though he is otherwise a good and honorable man.  Let's be real though, it doesn't matter what kind of man he is, a man is a man and all men are afraid of what they perceive as an emotional outburst waiting to happen.  Too bad he didn't give me the opportunity to show him that I could be understanding. 

*sigh*

Anyway, I was depressed and hurt for about a week and then I pulled myself together.  I'm much better now and moving on.  What helps is that I know I really tried to handle things in the best way possible with this man and I don't feel that I did anything wrong in this situation.  This is the first time I feel that it's more about his issues than my own.  Not that I'm blaming anyone, but this is the first time I've dated a man where I was not insecure or waiting for him to figure out that he was too good for me.  lol.  (That is hilarious when I go back and read it, but true.)   This was the first time that I felt like myself with a man and that we were a good match for each other.

So, yeah, I don't think it was about me this time....

Well, reflecting back on all this, I can see that the Lord is telling me to just keep waiting patiently on Him.  I also feel like He's showing me that He had me on a specific path, including purchasing my own home, and I let it get sidetracked because I was wrapped up in hoping that this man was the one. 

So now, I'm re-focusing my efforts on getting back on the plan that I was originally focusing on.  My love life is on the backburner and I'm kinda okay with that.  It exhausted me and I don't even want to bother with it right now, which is amusing since there are a few options out there.  Sorry guys.  lol.

I guess the take-away from all this is:
1. I need to trust in the Lord completely and focus on Him; He's all that matters.
2. Stick to the plan!
3. Despite what happened with this man, I've learned that I can be myself and someone will like me just the way I am. 
4. There are good men out there that Love the Lord, I just need to let Him bring me the right one.
5. Even when bad things like this happen, I can still look back and see all the amazing things too.  2011 was NOT a bust.  It was more amazing than sad.  I can rejoice in the Lord over it.  =)

Lord, please keep me focused on you.  You are everything and I am nothing.  Thank you for getting me through this hard time and for restoring my peace and joy so quickly.  Your power is made perfect in my weakness.  I love you, Lord.  Please bless this new year even more than you did the last.  In Jesus' name, amen!

The familiar shock.. of confusion and chaos...

Ok. Now just when you think it's over, it's not.

Yesterday, I wrote a sincere blog post about moving on and letting go.  I hit "Publish Post" and was at peace, knowing that I meant every word (and still do).  Then I hear from him... and guess what?  Aparently, nothing was wrong.

What the heck?

But I'm still left with confusing feelings.  Technically, nothing was wrong, yet now I feel like I can't trust him fully with my heart just yet.  Like I want to pull away now and let him come to me.  Like I know now that I cannot accept NOT being pursued and won.  Like I need to see this man step up to the plate or I'm out.  Like I'm pretty much sure that I'll be dating other people until (if ever) he steps up.

Why?  Why does that always happen?  The minute you let go, it's like they just know...

Lord, Your will be done in this and always.   Whatever happens, don't let me take my focus off of You.  I don't want to have to be sifted like this again.  I want the lesson to be learned...

Outlook changed...

Today I woke up and something had changed.  I'm moving on from the situation that has been hurting me and worrying me for the last nearly 2 weeks.  I'm letting it go.  I'm letting him go.  Moving on.

I don't know what happened or why and I'm getting the idea that I'm not going to know.  I'm not in control.

Oh well. 

Get over it...

I'm over it.

Moving on.

God loves me and knows the bigger picture.  Never in my life--not once--has He removed someone who didn't need to be removed.... Even if that person seemed like a good person.  Even if that person had never done anything harmful to me (until now).  Even if that person seemed like they were in my life by some divine plan. 

Again, He knows everything I don't know and He has the perfect reasoning: MY GOOD.

He is looking out for me.   Greater things have yet to come.  I know it.  I believe it.  It's what's helping me to let go and move on.

Thank you, Lord.  Thank you for loving me so much!  Thank you for blessing me beyond what I can imagine for myself always.   Thank you for the good things you have in store for those who wait on you... even if not always patiently.  =)

This is not the end of my story; God wants to write a new chapter.  Amen!

New York, new position, new possiblities...

NEW YORK

Uh, New York was amazing!

We did so much yet we didn't get to do enough.  You realy need a good month just to make a dent in that city.  Nevertheless, we left satisfied with all we were able to get done.  Even 3 days in the city would have left me giddy.  =)

Here's what we saw:

-Most importantly, the 9/11 Memorial.  It was something I will never forget and I feel honored to have been there.  It was so moving to me that Katie and I ended up sitting on a bench and saying a prayer for New York, the country, and the world.   The tears were flowing (people probably thought we had lost someone there.)

-The entire island of Manhattan via the Gray Line siteseeing tour and then later via the Empire State Building.... at night, all lit up.  It's a sight to see.

-The Statue of Liberty and Brooklyn Bridge via a water taxi.

-The underground and Coney Island via the subway.  =)

-Time Square EVERY DAY thanks to our hotel, the Algonquin, being situated literally a block and a half away.

-Macy's, Bloomingdales, Saks 5th Avenue, FAO Schwartz, Century 21, etc.  Yay shopping!

-Half of Central Park, including the zoo, on foot in one day (you can't REALLY do the whole thing in one day without some sort of transportation).

And so much more!!

I can't describe what an amazing trip it was.  I am so grateful to have been able to go... especially with my sister Katie.  It was a trip I will always cherish and never forget.   (How can I anyway?  I took about 500 pictures.  lol)

NEW POSITION

I started the new job yesterday.  I am so grateful.  It already seems that I am working with some awesome people, but only time will tell for sure.  For now, I am happy to be there and starting something new with new people. 

Thank you, Lord, for this amazing opportunity!  Please equip me to do my best.

NEW POSSIBILITIES

Months ago, someone reappeared in my life.  I met him once before very briefly about 2 years ago.  Never did I think that I would come into any kind of close contact with him again, nor did I think he would be anything other than an aquaintance if I did.

But alas, God always has other plans, doesn't He?

Now he has become someone very special to me.  Actually, I think that I can safely say the feeling is mutual.  I believe in my heart that he will continue to be a part of my life.  It's all up to God though, because after all He directs our steps and has a plan already worked out for each one of us.

Right now I'm just enjoying this new friendship and trusting that the Lord has everything under control.  =)

Thank you, Lord, for all of my News... =)

Last day or last days?

No.  This is not a post about the end times.... lol

So I THOUGHT today was going to be my last day at this department, but it appears I was never actually given an official release date (long story), so it may be pushed back a week. 

*sigh*

On one hand I'm sort of happy because I just didn't feel like it was quite over and didn't even have one goodbye lunch the entire week.  Most people know I don't like all the hoopla and attention, but that doesn't mean I didn't want to have one last lunch date with a few people I've grown to love, so I'm glad I may just get that opportunity afterall. 

On the other hand, I need to get out of here already.  There has been something special in the works, but it cannot get to the next level until I leave that place.  So I'm antsy to get my butt out of there so that this special something can get truly started already. 

Ay ay ay.... life is funny.   Oh well.  I'm just gonna roll with it.  One more week is not going to kill me... in both cases.

P.S.  3 more days and I'm eating pastrami and washing it down with pizza.  I love New York!!

Countdown 1 and Countdown 2

Countdown 1:  3 days

My last day with this department will be in 3 days.  After this Thursday I'm done, son.  SCARY!   In 3 days I have to wrap things up and say adios to people who sometimes knew more about what's going on in my life than my own family members. 

I'm a little nervous.  Change is scary.   I'm a lot excited though, so that's good.  Time to say good bye to the only LA County dept. I've ever known.   Who knows, though... I may be back.   For now, it's on to new horizons

Countdown 2:  6 days

YES!!! In less than one week, my booty will be on a plane to the GREATEST CITY IN THE WORLD!   Woop woop!!   It's almost here.

I heart you NYC.   I will see you in no time.

For now, gotta do a mental check of my entire wardrobe.  Gotta make sure all my bases are covered.  You can't wear just ANYTHING to New York City.   It has to be casual, but chic.  Comfortable, but classy.   I also need to make sure I leave room in my luggage to bring stuff back.  Garment district, here I come!  lol.

Oh yay!!! 

=)

Can't wait!

But waaaaaaait!

They called for my release date today.  As in my release day to go to my new position.   Normally, that would be just fine, but that means that because I am going to be off the week after next that I only have all of next week to tie up loose ends, pack my things, and say goodbye to these people.  

It's. Not. Enough. Time.    Aaaaaa!

I'm not ready!

Man, this is so bittersweet.   I'm exciting for my new gig, but it's going to hurt so much to say goodbye to many people.  People I have grown to love.  People who I spend most of my week with.  People who have prayed for me, rooted for me, encouraged me, believed in me.  Good people... who far outnumbered the bad.   And one very special person who I hope grows to become a very important part of my life...
*tear*

Well, I guess all I can say is, "here we go!"

12... and very blessed!

Yeah, my stupid fears yesterday are gone today.  God is good at reassuring me and making sure I know everything is okay.  Not that he owes it to me.  In fact, I deserve to sit in my paranoia and stupidity sometimes, but thankfully I don't get what I always deserve.  =)

Thank you, Lord!

I'm back to being excited.  12 days until New York.  Woop woop!

Also, back to being blessed, today I go for my fingerprinting for the new position.  Once that is cleared, they will be calling for my release date and I'm off.  It's very bittersweet.  I'm sad to leave these amazing friends and women of God, who the Lord sent to me so graciously, but I'm happy to start my new adventure....  I should say adventures.  I know that with this new job and movement another life adventure will also be starting.   Hopefully soon I will be able to start sharing more, but for now it remains under wraps.

Thank you, Lord, that I am so very blessed!

13... and unlucky?

13 days until I leave for New York City.   You would think I would be completely stoked today, but I'm not.  Other stuff in my personal life has got me anxious.

I hate it when things seem to be going so well and you are super happy and then all of a sudden the butterflies come.   These aren't the good butterflies though.   They are those butterflies that come when your mind starts wanting to tell you something is wrong... even though you really have no good evidence that something is in fact wrong. 

*sigh*

Blah!

I'm trying to remember the message that God gave me not too long ago about trusting in Him and not leaning on my own understanding.   I don't know all the facts and I don't know that anything is truly wrong.  I have to trust that God's got it under control.

Why is that so much easier to say than to do?

Double blah!

Exciting times....

Wow.  In a little less than 3 weeks I will be in New York City... 19 days and counting.   My excitement level is building.  I. Can't. Wait.  =D

The thing I am now most looking forward to--aside from pigging out--is visiting the 9/11 memorial.  We have our reservations already and everything.  (Yes, you have to make reservations.)  I just feel so honored to be able to visit the memorial right after it has opened.  It's something I will be able to tell my children about. 

On the job front, I'm excited to share that I got a call from my future boss yesterday.  She informed me that the CEO has approved my promotion.  The paperwork is now at my new department's HR for final approval processing, which should be complete by the end of this week.  Then I get fingerprinted and when that comes back they call my current boss for a release date.  All this should occur within the next 3 weeks or so.   I think I'll end up starting the new job just as I'm returning from NYC.   I'm sure it will work out just fine. 

I'm super excited to start this new chapter in my life.  In my nearly 7 years with the County, I've only ever worked at one department.  It will be interesting to learn how other departments do things.  I'm sure I'll have my bumps along the way as the new kid, just like I did at my current department, but I have faith that God has me, so I'm more excited than anything to jump into something new and to meet new people.

Exciting times.  Exciting times.

P.S.  Finally going to lunch with someone very special today.  =)

34

Pounds!

Yeah, as of today, I've lost 34 lbs.  I don't even know how to process that.  6 more and I'm down 40 lbs. 

Honestly, I don't think I really ever could have believed I would be capable of such a feat, but I'll take it!

Excuse me while I go do a little happy dance...

Second thoughts... the Update

So after all my fear and fretting (which by now I should know better than to do), everything with me pulling out of the Condo went fine. I called the Realtor up and she was totally understandable. She even said that if I was her daughter she would advise me against getting the place too because of the driving distance.

Phew!

So now the hunt is back on. I'm hoping I can find something just as great (or even better?), but a lot closer to where I'll be hopefully working very soon. The good thing is that if for some crazy reason this promotion is not approved, I'm looking in a place where I will be minutes from where I work now.... so it will work out either way.

I'm kinda excited to get out and look again. I'm not gonna lie.... it's fun. =)

Hope I can find my very own place very soon... and for real this time. lol.

Second thoughts...

So I was recently offered an amazing promotion and I jumped all over it, even though I know that the drive from where I'm trying to purchase my condo to work will be horrendously long. I couldn't pass up the opportunity, but now I'm having buyer's remorse... for the Condo.

Thankfully, it's not bought... yet.

When I agreed to commit to this particular place I really didn't foresee getting any kind of promotion in the near future and was fine with the location and how far it is from my current workplace. Well now that I know I will have to drive AT LEAST an hour and a half (one way) every day, I'm really not so sure about the location.

I've been waiting for a good 3 months now to hear back from the bank (it's a short sale). I still haven't gotten any news. I've also been sort of checking out condos a little closer to Downtown LA and the prices are really going down (a few months ago, the areas I was looking at were way out of my price range). I'm starting to think I might want to pull out of this one and start looking elsewhere.

The problem? My conscience. When my realtor put my offer in, she asked me if I was sure I wanted to commit because they had already had someone else walk away from the property in the middle of the process. I assured her that yes I was ready to commit.

Yeah, well that was before I got offered a job a million miles away.

I am a woman of my word and I don't make promises I don't intend to keep, but I also had no way of knowing that God had a huge blessing in store for me... So.... now I'm completely torn. I really don't want the house anymore. I really do want to look closer to work. I really don't want to let these people or my realtor down and definitely don't want anyone upset with me.

*sigh*

The other problem? Although I'm confident this job is mine, there is no guarantee until the paperwork is signed and approved. There is also no guarantee that the bank will approve the short sale.

Right now I don't know if I should call the realtor and tell her I want out so I don't waste anyone's time any more than I need to, or wait and see what happens. I have no idea.

I've been praying like crazy asking the Lord to tell me what to do, and so far I still don't know.

If it were up to me, I would just pull out, to be honest, but I want to make sure that what I want is exactly what the Lord wants for me also...

=(

Think happy thoughts...

The following blog post is designed to take my mind off of my current troubles and help me think happy thoughts. Here goes nothin...

40 Days.

40 days til Time Square, Central Park, Brooklyn, pizza, boots & scarves, Broadway, taxis, Grand Central Station, delis and pastrami sandwiches, World Trade Center, Serendipity, Harlem, etc.

=)

Seems like forever ago that my sister and I started planning this trip to New York City and in just a little over one month, we will finally be there. To say I'm excited is an understatement. I. Cannot. Wait.

I know it's going to be AMAZING! Oh, NYC, I love you so very much! You are my most favorite city in the whole wide world! I'm coming, baby.

$990

$990 is how much it is estimated that I will now be paying in mortgage payment (if this short sale is ever approved) now that the interest rates have gone down. That is like the going rate for a studio apartment right now. Crazy! Man, the Lord is so good to me. That was pretty much the ideal amount of money I wanted to have to pay every month, and if the rates still continue to go down before the bank approves the short sale, I'll be even more blessed.

Man, thank you, Lord. You always give me so much more than I even deserve. Wow! And with this new promotion, if it too is approved, I will be able to save up some money and hopefully give back to Your kingdom.

Oh Lord God Almighty, please continue to shower me with your favor, even though I don't deserve anything wonderful. You are amazing!

Forgive me also for not trusting in you enough. You know my circumstances and I know that you are protecting me and looking out for my best interests. Thank you, Lord. Thank you that I have nothing to fear because you are on my side. Thank you that you are my advocate and my defender. Thank you that no harm can come to me because of you.

Amen!

Sometimes, looking at the good things that are going on helps you to see how unimportant the bad things are. This blog was a good idea. =)

Operation Scare-the-Living-Daylights-Outta-Kristina

So, in my previous post I mentioned that I was surprised with a party for my 30th birthday. Well, what had happened was....

A couple of months ago, my sister Katie started asking me what I wanted to do for my 30th birthday. Every year I have to plan my own thing and every year it doesn't work out as planned, for various reasons. This year, I decided I wasn't going to do a thing. I knew Katie and I were already planning our big trip to New York City (48 days and counting!!!! Yay!!!), so I was okay with just that right there. I also kind of just figured this is an important birthday and if people don't feel the need to give me a break from planning duties and do something for me, than forget it. It's not worth all the fuss ([Pity party start] and apparently neither am I! [Pity party end]). Well, Katie started throwing around the idea of a small family dinner. I was okay with that because little by little people were making plans to do things. I knew that I was going to have a great birthday, even without a huge fuss, so the fact that nobody was throwing around huge ideas for what we could do really didn't bother or offend me.

I was just going with the flow. Really never expecting that for once these people were actually planning something huge (that's usually MY job) and planning for months at that. Apparently, there were many occasions were I almost blew my own surprise (like the time I wanted to plan a trip to go wine tasting the same weekend.... that was how I found out about the "family dinner" at a restaurant that my sister had to "pull strings" to get us a "reservation" at.... all a cover, of course.). I can honestly say I was completely oblivious. lol.

Well, they got me. They really got me good.

In the days leading up to the "family dinner," I decided I was going to buy myself a cute and short dress and get all dolled up for my night. "I'm gonna look hot on my birthday night... I don't care where we go." So when the night arrived, I put my dress and make up on and got all cute, thinking I'm going to some fancy restaurant in LA or Hollywood or even Bevery Hills (Ooooo.... aaaaaahhhhhh....). Maybe we would even see a celebrity and I was going to be prepared with my cute outfit. ;)

Or not.... Hahaha! (And I should have known when I saw my sister in a somewhat casual outfit and had to ask her a few times if she was sure that I wasn't over-dressed.)

As we are leaving the house, my sister tells me she forgot to pay the rent and hands me the envelope to drop it off (another time I should have known something was fishy because it was not time to pay rent yet! lol). I look at her like she's crazy, since I have like 3- or 4-inch heels on and hand it back. We get to the front of where we live... where there is obviously a party going on in the clubhouse (once again, oblivious). Then my sister hands me the envelope again and tells me she forgot the directions and that she's going to drop me off while she runs back to the house. I'm like, "Seriously!? You're gonna make me go up these stairs in these heels and this dress in front of the security guard?" Needless to say, I was a little annoyed... especially because this is a new security guard who happens to be cute. =) Also, because I can see that there is a party going on and I don't want these people thinking that I'm coming to their party.

So I get out of the car and sneak my way up the stairs. I think to myself, "I'm just going to slip this in the slot and then sit on this bench so these people don't think I'm trying to come in." I walk right up to the slot and then hear rustling by the door. I immediately think someone is opening the door because they think I'm trying to come in. Crap! Next thing you know the door is open and there is a loud, echoing "SURPRISE!!!!" My first reaction? First, I thought, "these people are confusing me with the person they are trying to surprise," (yes, still clueless) and simultaneously, as I'm thinking this, I'm putting my hand up to protect myself and letting out every cuss word I can think of. (Shameful, I know..... and in front of children! lol)

This is the thing.... I can sit on YouTube all day and watch people getting the crap scared out of them and think it's the funniest thing ever, but if you roll up on me making a loud noise or scare me in general, the ghetto comes out in me and I'm either cussing or punching (or both) you out. It's just a fact. Thankfully, I only cussed. Hahaha! (Sorry, Lord.... and my nieces who were standing right in front of me. Oops! It was pretty much involuntary.)

Anyway, once I put my protective shield (my hand) down, I look over and just see people. When I finally focus I see my friend Suzy and think, "I know her." That's when I realize that this is for me. I walk in and just start telling them that they all suck and they really got me. I had to keep telling myself, "don't be angry... be happy... smile." The instant anger subsided however when people started saying things like, "oh my gosh! You look so great!" and "Oh my gosh, I've never seen you in a dress," and "You look so skinny." Yeah, that's the type of stuff that will make anyone's anger go away. Hahaha!

One thing I have to admit to: I was a little disappointed that I didn't get to go to a facy restaurant. LMBO! Oh well, this was even better!!!!

All I can say from that moment and for about an hour was that everything felt so surreal. They did an amazing job. The food was great. The theme was awesome!!!! 80s!!! The room was covered in movie posters from some of my favorite movies (Goonies, Pretty in Pink, Back to the Future, The Breakfast Club, etc.)! They had a candy table, which included wax lips (I LOVED wax lips when I was little and had just told them about how I insisted on having them at my 6th birthday). They thought of EVERY detail.... down to the big pink cake that was a replica of the cake from Sixteen Candles. You know, the one on the table at the end when Samantha and Jake Ryan kiss. It was so cool!

So many people showed up too... there was even a friend from High School and other people I've worked with over the year. Most of my aunts and uncles were there, including my uncle who came all the way from Poway, which is near San Diego. It really was very special. I felt SO SPECIAL.
All jokes aside, it was AMAZING.

At the end of the day, I don't deserve so much attention. God knows I have my issues. I know I'm not always the easiest person to be around. Sometimes I need to watch my mouth and think before I react. I'm a sinner and I mess up... and sometimes I act like I'm entitled, but the fact is, I'm unworthy. When people do things like this for me, or when God shows any kind of favor towards me, I begin to remember just how unworthy and undeserving I am. Even more importantly, I get a giant snapshot of how blessed I REALLY am.

Thank you, Lord.

I couldn't have asked for better....

Life happens...

First of all, sorry Blog (and my one follower) for not checking in for awhile. As you can see, I am alive. =)

I have been uber busy lately. The entire month of July was one giant celebration. I was so spoiled. I even got a giant surprise party where I was..... SUPRISED. Big time. They scared the living daylights out of me and there was definitely some cussing involved. (Oops!) Hey, I'm not good with being surprised or scared. They are lucky no one got punched. It was great though and I can definitely say I am super blessed and felt very loved.

Happy 30th Birthday to me!!! It definitely was happy... I will post a more detailed blog about what went down very soon. Promise.

Moving on....

I'm going to be upfront with you, Blog. I haven't been around much because I was way too wrapped up in Facebook (FB). The thing is, I could easily access my FB account via my phone, but it wasn't so easy to access you since I don't like to use the Internet at work too much. Don't want to get into trouble. So yeah.... I went with the easy choice. Sorry.

Well, as of this past Thursday, FB went bub-bye. I deactivated my account. There was one incident that occured the day before that was the tipping point, but in all actuality, there were many incidences and I have just decided that FB's cons far outweigh it's pros. It's too bad, because I was so glad to be in contact with long lost people from the past. I just couldn't deal with the drama, misinterpretations, back-stabbing, being stalked by weirdos, etc. I'm done. Sayonara sucka!

I actually felt an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders once I did it. No more being tied to my phone 24/7 wanting to know all the latest. The whole day was quite relaxing actually. Ultimately, even without the drama, FB should not be something that takes up so much of my time. That's what Reality TV is for anyway.... LOL. Just kidding. No, seriously though. All the time spent on FB could have been used somewhere else.... like praising/serving/communicating with God maybe? Yeah....

In other, better, amazingly awesome news....

I have been offered a very significant promotion to another Department. How significant? I'm skipping right through 4 secretary levels above what I currently hold. That is AMAZING and only from God. To Him be the glory because I know if it was purely on what I "deserve" I wouldn't be getting a darn thing.

Thank you, Lord, for your favor, even when I'm not doing as well as I can be in my relationship with you. You are TOO GOOD to me!

This promotion will enable me to pay my mortgage (STILL waiting for approval on the condo by the way) AND be able to live comfortably and maybe even get a better car with better gas mileage (and I'll definitely need it because I'll be driving far once I do move!). It is such a major blessing, I can't even explain to you.

Also good news:  I officially made my goal on Weight Watchers.  30 lbs lost!  Woop woop!!!!  I can't believe it.  It still feels too good to be true, but I'll still take it.  In fact, I decided to extend the goal to 40 lbs.  I'm going to try it out and see what happens.  I also ordered a brand new elliptical and I'm going to start getting back on the exercise wagon.  I definitely, if anything, want to start toning up now.  Who knows.... maybe by this time next year, I'll be able to rock a bikini.....  Okay, wishful thinking, I know.  lol

Sobre el amor...

Still no main squeeze, but it's okay.  I have been meeting people and getting out there and have discovered that maybe God's glad I'm doing that, but that doesn't mean that he's necessarily going to produce anyone right away.  There is one surprisingly one person at work, of all places, that might be a possibility, but only God knows exactly who it will be.  My job right now is to believe and have faith that "someone" is in the works at all and that God has my back.  In any case, hopefully my house will be approved soon and I can get back to my church, cause with all the guys there, if God doesn't have my sweetie waiting for me there, then I might have to come to grips with the idea that he (my sweetie) doesn't exist.....

NAH!   I'll never give up on the idea that he's out there waiting for God to help us find each other.  ;)

Okay, well that's all I got for now.  Tootles...

Oh, and P.S.  Happy birthday to my Mom!!  Crazy broad... lol

Going back up again...

I know I am blessed.  I know this is MY year.  For the first time, the good things that happen to me far outweigh the bad.  I love it!   I love that I can see it!   God is good to me, despite myself.   =)

I was down for just a moment last week about the job and guy thing, but I'm over it. 

I stopped communicating with him and then, through different educational resources (both Christian and secular), realized that my problem was that I was trying to do the take-action, guy thing instead of letting him do that.  He's the guy... that's his job and guys like that jobm and when we let them do it, it helps them to like us even more. 

Oops.  Won't be doing that again.  ;)

Well, I stopped communicating and sure enough he got curious.  It was nice that the theory was proved, but he still didn't poke his head around enough and take action, so I'm pretty much no longer very interested and leaving that one alone.  I am chocking it up to a learning experience on what NOT to do. 

I love learning things and changing, so I'm actually happy for this experience.  I'm starting to see what works and what doesn't.  It's nice to feel like you have a game plan (for lack of a better term--it's definitely not about playing games).    I want to be the girl who is easygoing, not controlling, and can communicate her feelings in a way that makes a man respond positively instead of negatively (freaking out and running.... lol). 

We'll see what happens.  I have promised myself that I will not be committing to anyone for 6 months because of all I have going on.  So for now it's practice, practice, practice!


I heard some promising news about my house.  We are still waiting for bank approval, but they think it looks good.  I am excited, but not letting myself get too excited.   I almost bought some candlesticks for the house the other day, but stopped myself.  I know it's silly, but I feel like if I buy anything I will jinx everything.  =)


My sister is about to give birth and we still haven't seen each other since St. Patrick's day.   It's kinda strange, but at the same time, it really doesn't illicit any strong feelings on my part.  I just miss my niece, Alexis. 

The other day, the Lord impressed it upon my heart to have a spirit of reconciliation, so I texted my sister.  I basically apologized for hurting her in anyway and told her that I don't want to have problems because the Lord commands us to forgive. I also told her that our relationship will never be what it was, but I still love her and my niece and nephew. 

She responded saying that she forgave me and knows that much of what happened was her doing.  She also added that she loves me no matter what. 

That was that.  I don't think it will and frankly don't want it to lead to us going back to speaking and sharing our lives with each other, but at least I know I can be around my sister and not have a large amount of animosity toward her.  My brother-in-law on the other hand.... lol.  

Seriously, though, I love my sister and the kids, but I really don't want anything to do with that man anymore.  I don't NEED to have him in my life and I don't WANT to have him in my life.  I think I have to forgive him because that's what Jesus commanded us to do, but there is nowhere I know of in the Bible that says I need to have him in my life or ever even be in his presence, so yeah.

Anyway, things are good.  Hopefully very soon I will be able to anounce a new house and a new member of the family.  =)

Thank you, Lord, for your abundant and undeserved blessings.  I know I don't deserve them AT ALL, but by all means, keep them coming.  =)