Bye bye, comfort zone...

I think this is the year of God setting  me up to step outside of my comfort zone.  

It started at work.  We needed to hire a clerk and my boss asked if I would be okay with doing interviews.  I said, "sure!"  Inside, I was saying, "Oh crap! I've never done that before."  So, my friend Wendy and I teamed up and started interviewing candidates.  It was totally outside of my comfort zone, but I totally loved it!  I think it actually helped bring me out of my shell even more than I already have too! 

Before I even moved back to Pomona, I had already had the mindset that as soon as I got the condo I would try to get plugged into a church and start serving right away.  Well, I thought I would have some time to psych myself up for the whole idea.  Wrong.  Out of nowhere I felt the Lord pushing me to go ahead and start attending the Vine at my church here, Calvary Chapel Chino Valley.   The Vine is the 26- to 35-year-old ministry. 

I finally forced myself to go and I run into someone I know.  Then I find myself telling that person that I want to get involved and serve (Wait, what?  Did that just come out of my mouth?).  Next thing I know, this last Friday, I'm committing to help setup before Bible Study every Friday.  Again, I just stepped outside of my comfort zone and put myself out there. 

Yay me!

Even worse... okay better... part of setting up also involves greeting people.  Aaaaa!  Now THAT'S outside my comfort zone.  I'm no the type to approach people.  I usually let others come to me.  Yikes! That's definitely going to take some courage on my part.  I'll need God's help on that one.  =)

Yes, I'm definitely sure that this will be my year of stepping outside the comfort zone.  I guess the Lord never runs out of things to teach us...

Lord, thank You.  You never cease to amaze me.  I'm also taking this as confirmation that you want me at my church... even if it's not in the same neighborhood as my future house.  Thank You for my church and thank You for new opportunities and open doors, and distractions.  ;)

#AdultProblems

So the year is still off to a bumpy start. I got kicked out by my sister on Tuesday.

What?! I know… I’m not the type who gets kicked out of anywhere.

My sister Katie and I have the best relationship out of the three sisters, but that doesn’t mean it’s perfect. For the last nearly 2 years I’ve been living with her and her best friend in a mobile home that belonged to my mother. Very recently, my Mom signed the house over to my sister because where we live the owner has to live in the house, and frankly Katie was the only one of us who would gladly take that dump. LOL.

The entire time I’ve lived there has been full of on-and-off tension. People are people and they will get on each other’s nerves from time to time. Nothing abnormal. Yeah, well, I think things are worse when you live with family. People take liberties with their own family that they wouldn’t take with other people. Liberties in this case include using my face wash, expensive hair products, body washes, and (WORST OF ALL IN MY BOOK) makeup… among other things.

I am not any more selfish than your average nice person, but I have a problem with someone using my stuff without asking, on the down-low, and knowing they are not going to replace it. Not only has my sister taken liberties with my things, but she has also depended way too much on her best friend and I to keep the house clean, make sure the water jugs are full, fold her laundry, attend to house issues/emergencies, all the while reminding us just how much it is HER house.

There is only so much a person can take… especially when we know that we are doing my sister a big favor by helping her with rent to begin with.

Well, yesterday she got upset with me because I told her I didn’t want to share my make-up with her. Her reaction was to say that she didn’t like sharing her house. To which I replied that I don’t NEED to be there. Then she stormed off.

Later on that morning, I get an email apologizing about her attitude toward me and blaming it on lack of sleep due to the deaf guy living in the house now who snores like a Rhino and how she feels uncomfortable and put out in her own home. (You brought the guy here, dude. Really?)

At that point, I decided I would just lay all my frustrations out and call her out on her crap. I did. She of course got defensive, by saying she wasn’t getting defensive and then proceeding to list all the bad things I supposedly do to make her upset, including not depositing my own rent check or folding her laundry. Yes, she really did. LOL. She also, as usual, blamed her lack of pulling her own weight on the fact that she works AND goes to school and doesn’t make as much money as we do.

I came back and basically told her enough was enough with the excuses. It is not our fault that she doesn’t make as much money, goes to school, and has debt. It’s time to stop acting like everyone is obligated to help her because in the real world, renters would never be asked to deposit their own rent checks, maintain the rented property, fold their landlord’s laundry, etc. I told her that it’s time to grow up and stop depending on others.

This is where things turned….

She then called me to tell me that I was right about her needing to grow up and that’s why I needed to leave/see if I could stay with my parents, so that she could start being more independent. (Except, she still has two other people in her house helping to pay rent, so yeah…) I told her that was fine (I could see what she was doing here). Then I told her that I had no where to take my stuff. She then turned petty on me and told me that I needed to be an adult and put it in storage (even though there will be an empty, un-used room in the house once I’m gone). I saw what her smart-butt was doing, so all I said was “okay.” I’m a big girl and I CAN handle my own business.

Ultimately, I’m not too upset about the situation. I was so fed-up and ready to go anyway. I was at my breaking point, which was why I laid out my frustrations to begin with. The good news is that I do have somewhere to go while I search for my house.

Yes, you read that correctly. My house. I am back on the Condo search, and it couldn’t have worked out more perfectly. My parents will not charge me rent, which will allow me to put even MORE money into savings while I wait through the process. The drive to work is gonna be no fun, but it will only be for a little while.

Before you think my sister are never going to speak again, I did end up telling her last night that I wasn’t upset and that I think this is probably best for all of us. I just truly pray that my sister starts to really reflect on herself and truly grow up and change. I don’t want her to depend on other people. I want her to spread her wings and fly on her own (as corny as that sounds), like I had to do. She will be better off for it… I know I am. 

It's a new year. Let's make it a good one...

"A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all..." Psalm 34:19


I've been missing in action, blog.  Sorry.  A lot has happened.   Actually, things took a turn only hours after my last blog post was published.  Long story, but the gist is that the special person in my life is no more. 

Things were awkward and very much up in the air.  I was confused and sad.  I finally asked him if something had changed.  No answer.  3 weeks later, still no answer.  

They say that sometimes no answer IS your answer, but I think part of me knew that I wouldn't get an aswer even though he is otherwise a good and honorable man.  Let's be real though, it doesn't matter what kind of man he is, a man is a man and all men are afraid of what they perceive as an emotional outburst waiting to happen.  Too bad he didn't give me the opportunity to show him that I could be understanding. 

*sigh*

Anyway, I was depressed and hurt for about a week and then I pulled myself together.  I'm much better now and moving on.  What helps is that I know I really tried to handle things in the best way possible with this man and I don't feel that I did anything wrong in this situation.  This is the first time I feel that it's more about his issues than my own.  Not that I'm blaming anyone, but this is the first time I've dated a man where I was not insecure or waiting for him to figure out that he was too good for me.  lol.  (That is hilarious when I go back and read it, but true.)   This was the first time that I felt like myself with a man and that we were a good match for each other.

So, yeah, I don't think it was about me this time....

Well, reflecting back on all this, I can see that the Lord is telling me to just keep waiting patiently on Him.  I also feel like He's showing me that He had me on a specific path, including purchasing my own home, and I let it get sidetracked because I was wrapped up in hoping that this man was the one. 

So now, I'm re-focusing my efforts on getting back on the plan that I was originally focusing on.  My love life is on the backburner and I'm kinda okay with that.  It exhausted me and I don't even want to bother with it right now, which is amusing since there are a few options out there.  Sorry guys.  lol.

I guess the take-away from all this is:
1. I need to trust in the Lord completely and focus on Him; He's all that matters.
2. Stick to the plan!
3. Despite what happened with this man, I've learned that I can be myself and someone will like me just the way I am. 
4. There are good men out there that Love the Lord, I just need to let Him bring me the right one.
5. Even when bad things like this happen, I can still look back and see all the amazing things too.  2011 was NOT a bust.  It was more amazing than sad.  I can rejoice in the Lord over it.  =)

Lord, please keep me focused on you.  You are everything and I am nothing.  Thank you for getting me through this hard time and for restoring my peace and joy so quickly.  Your power is made perfect in my weakness.  I love you, Lord.  Please bless this new year even more than you did the last.  In Jesus' name, amen!

The familiar shock.. of confusion and chaos...

Ok. Now just when you think it's over, it's not.

Yesterday, I wrote a sincere blog post about moving on and letting go.  I hit "Publish Post" and was at peace, knowing that I meant every word (and still do).  Then I hear from him... and guess what?  Aparently, nothing was wrong.

What the heck?

But I'm still left with confusing feelings.  Technically, nothing was wrong, yet now I feel like I can't trust him fully with my heart just yet.  Like I want to pull away now and let him come to me.  Like I know now that I cannot accept NOT being pursued and won.  Like I need to see this man step up to the plate or I'm out.  Like I'm pretty much sure that I'll be dating other people until (if ever) he steps up.

Why?  Why does that always happen?  The minute you let go, it's like they just know...

Lord, Your will be done in this and always.   Whatever happens, don't let me take my focus off of You.  I don't want to have to be sifted like this again.  I want the lesson to be learned...

Just when you think...

Just when you think things are going well, then they appear to be not.  *sigh*

I don't understand, but maybe I'm not supposed to.  I've learned that the Lord will sometimes let me go through a moment of uncertainty, confusion, and even a litte bit of despair so that I can re-focus my attention on Him... where it belongs. 

I'm trying my best to hope that this is one of those times and not anything I really need to worry about.

Everytime it feels things are unraveling in my life, I keep coming back to the same verse from Proverbs:  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and he will make your paths straight."

That last part is a promise from the Word.  I need to acknowledge Him and His importance in my life (above ALL other things and people) and He will take care of the rest.

For now, I am grateful for godly women from whom I can seek godly counsel and even the kick in the pants I need.  Right now I'm hearing the Lord say, "Be still and know that I am God." 

Okay Lord.  Settle my heart.  I'm ready to be still.

Last day or last days?

No.  This is not a post about the end times.... lol

So I THOUGHT today was going to be my last day at this department, but it appears I was never actually given an official release date (long story), so it may be pushed back a week. 

*sigh*

On one hand I'm sort of happy because I just didn't feel like it was quite over and didn't even have one goodbye lunch the entire week.  Most people know I don't like all the hoopla and attention, but that doesn't mean I didn't want to have one last lunch date with a few people I've grown to love, so I'm glad I may just get that opportunity afterall. 

On the other hand, I need to get out of here already.  There has been something special in the works, but it cannot get to the next level until I leave that place.  So I'm antsy to get my butt out of there so that this special something can get truly started already. 

Ay ay ay.... life is funny.   Oh well.  I'm just gonna roll with it.  One more week is not going to kill me... in both cases.

P.S.  3 more days and I'm eating pastrami and washing it down with pizza.  I love New York!!

Praying for enemies...

There is someone in my life right now who is…. well… shady. She is trying to play games. She thinks she is sneaky. She’s trying to mess with my life and my future.

Do I think she has the power to significantly affect me in a negative way? Heck no! I have God on my side. And that’s the thing… I have God, but does she?

I tend to think that people who play games and are underhanded, are people who are unhappy with life and with themselves and probably don’t truly have a real and close relationship with Jesus Christ. Those of us who love God may not always be so secure in ourselves and sometimes maybe even find ourselves jealous of others over blessings and situations that maybe we wish we were in (we are still human afterall), but because we love the Lord, we aren’t going to go out of our ways to make the lives of others more difficult because of that envy. I would hope not at least. I know I don’t behave that way.

In the end, no matter how weak in the Lord I might be for a moment, it’s still about honoring God and doing what Jesus told us, which is to treat others the way we want to be treated.

With that said, I know I need to pray for this girl. She needs the Lord. She needs him because “who can eat and who can have enjoyment without Him?” (Ecclesiastes 2:25) She needs him so that she can stop worrying about other people’s lives and start living her own.

Lord, help me to pray for this girl and to forgive her… and even to love her. Help her, Lord. She really needs you. Please also, Lord, don’t allow her to prevail against me or anyone else. Thank you, Jesus, that I know you have me always and there are 10 million verses in your word to back that up!

When your instincts are telling you the truth...

I just got back from a turnaround trip from LA to stateline (the border of California and Nevada).  It was a work charitable giving thing.  I knew I shouldn't have gone, but I went anyway.

I'll say it again.  I knew I shouldn't have gone.

My instincts told me that the person who invited me was not someone I could trust, but I went anyway, despite warnings from a trusted person, because I like to give people the benefit of the doubt... even though everything in me wanted to pull out and not go.  I should have listened to my inner voice.

Have I mentioned that I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE GONE?  lol

Well, now it's confirmed that I can't trust this person and she's out to get me, and never again will I let my guard down with her.  I won't get into what happened or why I can't trust her... all I'll say is that I don't trust women for a reason and I think this trip for her was a case of "keep your enemies close," not her trying to be my actual friend.

From now on, she will be kept at arms length.  She has no power to do anything significant to me because I have God on my side, but she's definitely now someone I have to watch out for.  Pretty sad.

I guess the only thing I can do is pray for her, since afterall we are called to love our enemies and pray for them.  Help me with this one, Lord.

All of a sudden the verses from this previous post are extremely relevant...

Lost Cause... the Update

Forgot to tell you, blog, that my sister and brother-in-law--adding insult to injury--uninvited my other sister and me to the baby shower that WE were throwing for her, but proceeded to still make sure all of MY friends are coming. Nice.

We are Christians at the end of the day, so I won't be spiteful. I have not asked any of MY friends not to go. Despite how angry my sister makes me, I won't sabatoge her baby shower. I do want good things for my niece and nephew.

This whole baby shower thing does reinforce to me, though, that we need to stay away from my sister and her husband for awhile. Basically, she needs to see that "you don't know what you have til it's gone." I'm just sad that she's the one who will have to look back on this and remember how she didn't have her sisters with her while she was celebrating such an important moment in life...

Gotta keep praying for her....

Lost cause?

So my family is divided right now. I probably shouldn't even be writing about this, but I need to vent somewhere and I'm pretty sure no one I know will see this so whatever.... The Devil is doing his worst at this moment and he's sure good at it, but we won't be defeated. Anyway, we pretty much aren't speaking to my sister and brother-in-law and this time it may be for a long period of time (or maybe until she gives birth... we'll see). We love them and want the best for them, but we are TIRED of their self-inflicted drama and the way it constantly spills over into our lives. There is only so much you can take. My sister and brother-in-law have one of the most toxic relationships I've ever seen. They are like bleach and ammonia. You don't mix them without creating poison. I'm sorry to even admit this, but I have literally told people that they are a match made in Hell. If they are not at each other' s throats (to the point of physical abuse at times) they are banding together against someone else with a taste for blood. They feed off each other's negativity. They enable each other. They blame EVERYONE but themselves... A couple of days ago was the last straw. Some drama went down with my niece witnessing everything, and my brother-in-law called us and dragged us into it. I had already warned my sister that if something else abusive happened that I was going to let his family know about it and in the heat of their fight she told me to go ahead and "put him on blast," meaning tell his family. His family has been living in la-la land for their ENTIRE relationship, never knowing about any of the crap they have put us and themselves through. We have had enough with having to deal with this alone and being completely disrespected as a family. It was their turn. So put both of them "on blast" (since they are BOTH at fault here) and we let his family know what was happening--so they would be aware and also so that his parents could go get the baby out of harms way. What happened? They didn't want to get involved and basically accused us of meddling. (Side note: I won't get into what was said, but they are officially on our bad sides as well. Maybe if they LISTENED to what we were telling them, they would have heard that WE are the ones getting DRAGGED into messes we want nothing to do with--aside from wanting to protect the child and the child that is about to arrive.) Then my sister and her brother-in-law informed us that they were going to get help the following day. We were forced to tell them that his parents are aware of the situation at that point. That's when my other sister gets this message: "Thanks for f***ing up my life." Um........................ Wow. So WE are screwing up YOUR life? No you? Not your husband? Us. The people you have dragged into this for the last 10 years. We are doing it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And that was our breaking point. I love my sister. Truly I do, but I'm not surprised that everything is everyone else's fault and that she is the victim here. She's always been this way. Ever since we were little, but now she has married another victim for reinforcement. Yeah. You're the victims. The victims of yourself. So, we're to the point where we are ready to step to the side so that they have no one to blame but themselves when these problems persist even when we are not in the picture. I PRAY that the Lord does something with them already. There is no where else to turn. Only HE can fix this. Only HE can break them down to nothing. For now, we are going to protect ourselves from the toxic fumes of their relationship and hopefully they will see when they don't have us to pick up the pieces just how much it is NOT our fault. God, in the meantime, please protect my niece and the nephew that will be here soon. They don't deserve this...

*eye roll*

Yesterday's post was for nothing. The special event has now been called off.... well, postponed. More on that later....

Mean is....

Your entire family going to Disneyland and not even inviting you.

Wow.

Kind of drives home all the feelings I had on Christmas day of feeling like an outsider in my own family. lol.

Kind of feels like this. Hahaha!!!

"What the h*** am I fighting for?"

This is sickening. Just over 10 years ago, I was a teenager. That's not long ago. Let me tell you, even when I wasn't exactly walking with the Lord, if someone called me out because I was being disrespectiful, I would have felt ashamed of myself. Not these kids nowadays. Now these animals just jump you...

Ironic/Funny Quote of the Day

I love Ann Coulter. The woman is a genius and most of the time makes me laugh out loud. This quote from a Townhall article she just wrote is too good not to share:

"First of all, I feel so much more confident that the TSA's nude photos of airline passengers will never be released now that I know the government couldn't even prevent half a million classified national security documents from being posted on WikiLeaks."

And by the way, how is the fool who leaked secret U.S. government documents, Julian Assange, gonna turn around and ask that his address be kept secret. Really? REALLY? You got some nerve dude. This guy needs to get the same treatment as the Rosenbergs who also committed espionage/treason!

The ship is sinking...

This article perfectly spells out the disaster that is California and a big part of why I want to abandon ship before it's too late...

In the last two years, the state collected just $9.9 billion in unemployment insurance taxes—but it paid out $20.6 billion in benefits during the same time. California recently had to borrow $8.5 billion from the federal government to pay for the unemployment benefit obligations. If the state doesn’t pay off its loan from Washington, D.C. by 2012, it will owe a $362 million interest payment. That’s an expensive fantasy to finance—and California can’t print Monopoly money to stay afloat.

Dear Lady Who Cut in Front of Me in the Drive Thru,

Really? REALLY? You are lucky I’m a Christian because this is California and you can get shot for that kind of b***sy behavior. At the very least I had a lot of pennies in my car and any number of them could have hit your car as you were driving away. You got lucky this time… Make sure the next person you do that to has a Not of this World sticker on her car also…

TRUE STORY. Dumb lady...

What's the world going to throw at us next?

This column by Mike Adams JUMPED out at me, in light of the fact that I myself have recently posted and responded to an ad specifically seeking a Christian roommate. It seems that a woman in Michigan who posted an ad for a Christian roommate at her church has had a civil rights complaint filed against her for discrimination because it excludes people of other faiths.

Seriously?

SERIOUSLY?!

This world is an amazing place, in a bad way. Thankfully (and kind of surprisingly), this type of crap hasn't presented itself in California.... yet. Of course, the good people at the Aliance Defense Fund have swooped in to save the day. It's sad that we as Christians even need an Aliance Defense Fund, but it's a reality. The world is coming up with more and more (and in this case ridiculous) ways to attack us and our beliefs.

I guess we shouldn't be surprised:

Be always on the watch, and pray that you may be able to escape all that is about to happen, and that you may be able to stand before the Son of Man. Luke 21:36

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. 1 Corinthians 16:13

Then you will be handed over to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me. Matthew 24:9

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33