Dear Blog: I've been busy. My bad...

I'm so sorry, my little blog. I have neglected you so much. You probably think I'm self-centered and selfish.... and you would be right. lol. I've been busy too, but mostly it's because I've been living life instead of hypothesizing about living life or pretending to live life. Well, now I'm here to tell you about that....

=)

(I make myself laugh sometimes. Does that make me a loser? It sure does make me a dork. lol)

Anyway, I have been dating a lot. Nothing major has come of it, but I am definitely enjoying having attention and feeling desirable for truly the first time in my life. The only downside is that now I have all these options and I'm beginning to realize that I really don't know what I want anymore. I thought I did, but now I'm not so sure.

I do know that whomever I end up will need to be my friend first. I've been encountering a lot of guys that want to immediately jump into a relationship and (as they say) "wife me up." It kinda freaks me out. I need to get to know you past three or four days, or even a couple of weeks, before I start CONSIDERING getting serious with you. Is that crazy? I don't think so...

Again, though, it is SO awesome having options and choices. It sure boosts the ego and puts a kick in your step, which seems to then attract more people to you. It's like a snowball effect.... a snowball effect of awesomeness! =)

I'm finally adjusted at work. I've made some boo-boos here and there, but I think I have the hang of it. The only thing I'm constantly confused about is whether or not these people even like me. The other secretary is touch and go. Some days she's nice to me and encouraging and other days I feel like I'm getting on her nerves or she thinks I'm just stupid. Who knows! I definitely miss my old team of Christian ladies. I never had to wonder if they secretly didn't like me. Oh well... It couldn't last forever.

I'm really trying to get out more and expand my horizons. I'm trying to make new friends and hang out with people I can relate to: Single People. I have so many friends (including my closest friend) who are married, about to be married, and/or have kids. I love these people and appreciate being a part of their families and having their children in my life, but I really can't relate to them. I have an idea of what they are going through and they have an idea of what I'm going through, but at the end of the day we are not going through the same things and don't completely understand each other. I need people who understand.

I keep jumping back and forth between ideas for what I want to do in the next year when my debt is paid off. Buy a car? Move back to Pomona/the I.E.? Buy a car???? Move back???? Some days it's one and other days its the other. If I move, I can go back to my church where I feel I belong. If I stay I'll be able to more easily save money AND get a new car with better gas mileage. Both seem like good options to me, but I don't know which to go with. I guess church and moving back do sort of edge out the new car thing, but it all depends on if/when my cousin can move out with me, because I really don't want to pay rent alone. We'll see what happens....

Well, there is more, but that's all I have time for now, little blog. I'll really try to be back again soon. Take care of yourself....

Lost cause?

So my family is divided right now. I probably shouldn't even be writing about this, but I need to vent somewhere and I'm pretty sure no one I know will see this so whatever.... The Devil is doing his worst at this moment and he's sure good at it, but we won't be defeated. Anyway, we pretty much aren't speaking to my sister and brother-in-law and this time it may be for a long period of time (or maybe until she gives birth... we'll see). We love them and want the best for them, but we are TIRED of their self-inflicted drama and the way it constantly spills over into our lives. There is only so much you can take. My sister and brother-in-law have one of the most toxic relationships I've ever seen. They are like bleach and ammonia. You don't mix them without creating poison. I'm sorry to even admit this, but I have literally told people that they are a match made in Hell. If they are not at each other' s throats (to the point of physical abuse at times) they are banding together against someone else with a taste for blood. They feed off each other's negativity. They enable each other. They blame EVERYONE but themselves... A couple of days ago was the last straw. Some drama went down with my niece witnessing everything, and my brother-in-law called us and dragged us into it. I had already warned my sister that if something else abusive happened that I was going to let his family know about it and in the heat of their fight she told me to go ahead and "put him on blast," meaning tell his family. His family has been living in la-la land for their ENTIRE relationship, never knowing about any of the crap they have put us and themselves through. We have had enough with having to deal with this alone and being completely disrespected as a family. It was their turn. So put both of them "on blast" (since they are BOTH at fault here) and we let his family know what was happening--so they would be aware and also so that his parents could go get the baby out of harms way. What happened? They didn't want to get involved and basically accused us of meddling. (Side note: I won't get into what was said, but they are officially on our bad sides as well. Maybe if they LISTENED to what we were telling them, they would have heard that WE are the ones getting DRAGGED into messes we want nothing to do with--aside from wanting to protect the child and the child that is about to arrive.) Then my sister and her brother-in-law informed us that they were going to get help the following day. We were forced to tell them that his parents are aware of the situation at that point. That's when my other sister gets this message: "Thanks for f***ing up my life." Um........................ Wow. So WE are screwing up YOUR life? No you? Not your husband? Us. The people you have dragged into this for the last 10 years. We are doing it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And that was our breaking point. I love my sister. Truly I do, but I'm not surprised that everything is everyone else's fault and that she is the victim here. She's always been this way. Ever since we were little, but now she has married another victim for reinforcement. Yeah. You're the victims. The victims of yourself. So, we're to the point where we are ready to step to the side so that they have no one to blame but themselves when these problems persist even when we are not in the picture. I PRAY that the Lord does something with them already. There is no where else to turn. Only HE can fix this. Only HE can break them down to nothing. For now, we are going to protect ourselves from the toxic fumes of their relationship and hopefully they will see when they don't have us to pick up the pieces just how much it is NOT our fault. God, in the meantime, please protect my niece and the nephew that will be here soon. They don't deserve this...

Before this month is over....

I wanted to check in and let my one follower (lol) know that I am alive. This has been quite a month. I have been SWAMPED in my new position since day one, but I'm really liking it. I love that I'm super busy and my days fly by. I el-oh-vee-ee LOVE IT!!! I'm learning a lot and it's great to have my mind stimulated again and used to it's fullest. Thank you, Lord! As of last Friday, I have lost a total of 15 lbs through my Weight Watchers plan and I'm feeling GREAT. Everyone is complimenting me left and right. My clothes are huge. For the first time in my adult life, I fight comfortably (if not loosely) in a size 9 and looking forward to fitting in a size 7 next, and maybe even a size smaller than that.... we'll see. It feels great and I think it shows in my demeanor and confidence. Which leads to my next paragraph.... I've been dating up a wazoo thanks to eHarmony and am even being approached outside of eHarmony. None of the guys were takers, but I am having the best time getting out and meeting people. So much so that it hasn't bothered me too much that none of these guys was the right one. I'm just trying to live life and let the Lord worry about the rest. The awesome thing about this confidence is its becoming the push I need to find a good church and jump right in instead of being cautious for the longest before I even get into a Bible Study, like before. I'm busy planning my sister's baby shower. It's going to be a beach/nautical theme. It's coming together nicely and we are super excited for our first nephew!! Can't wait. I just wish circumstances in my sister's home were a little (or A LOT!) better right now, but I won't go into that here. If you pray, keep them in your prayers please. They NEED it. I am FINALLY done with my Invisalign process. I'm now onto the retainers. They should be ready by next week. After that I get my two front teeth shaved down a little because they are not even. Then I'm going to look into teeth whitening. All I can say is that it's surreal, after 29 years of life, to have a beautiful smile that I want to share with the world.... I got a new smile and a new body. It's a new me! Overall, everything is going great. I believe this is really going to be my year and I can't wait to see what's in store.... foreseen and unforeseen. God is SO good to me!!!

God is my lifeline...

A couple days ago we found out that the step father of a long-time friend of my sisters and I committed suicide. I don't know the details yet, but I do know this: He has two young daughters under the age of 14 who he abandoned and gave up on.

For that I am angry and resentful, and I'm not those two girls.

When my friend was young her dad abandoned her and her little brother (not by suicide, but by walking out on them and being almost completely absent). Their mother is already a little unstable, so when their dad left, she sort of lost it. They grew up to have some issues as a result, but luckily have turned out ok.

Well, now, in a way, history has repeated itself. My friends mom remarried some time after the first marriage ended and ended up having two babies with her current husband. They are now two young children (about the same ages as my friend and her brother were when their dad left) who's father has given up on them and exited their lives. This time, though, it's in the worst way someone can abandon you.

Suicide is nothing but pure selfishness. You get to leave the difficult, unbearable situation and leave everyone else behind you to deal with the aftermath. From the little I know, this guy had financial issues and has threatened suicide in the past with the idea that his family would be taken care of through insurance money.

I'm sorry!! I would rather have my father and be dirt poor, than lose him, but still have a huge house and all the trappings of life. Not a good trade-off.

Anyway, these are the times that I'm reminded just how important it is to have a relationship with Jesus Christ. It is through him that we have access to God himself. In our sin we are completely cutoff from God. Our sin is just like the veil in the Holy of Holies--it separates us from direct access to God. Jesus, in his death, tore that veil and when we believe in him and claim him for who he is--the Son of God and the only Way to God (John 14:16)--he removes that barrier and we have a direct line to the Big Man himself.

I used to struggle with the sin of Depression and there were times where I no longer wanted to live, but because of my direct line to God through the Holy Spirit, there was always that inner voice/movement that kept me from ever considering taking my own life. Even when you are a believer who is not walking with the Lord, like I wasn't, you still have even the tiniest little thread connecting you to God in the Holy Spirit that is always there... even when you are trying to ignore him. =)

When you don't have a relationship with Jesus, you do not have that line to God. He does not intervene. He doesn't tap into the Holy Spirit within you because there is no Holy Spirit within you. You have no connection to the source of life and therefore living is not important to you.

(Does this mean that every person who committs suicide doesn't have a relationship with Christ? No, but I do believe that it's a big indication that a person probably doesn't or has allowed the Devil to convince them with his lies.)

I hope that before this man died he was able to reconcile himself to the Lord. We won't know in this world.

In the meantime, my prayers and thoughts go out to these two little girls specifically. The odds are now stacked even higher against them. This world takes fatherless girls and boys and eats them alive....


Lord, please reach your might hands down and envelope these little girls with your love and peace. Help them to forgive their father for failing them. Give them the peace that only you can bring. Use this situation, as horrible as it is, to open up a door and pathway to you, Lord. In everything we rejoice because all works together for good and Your purpose. Thank you, Jesus! Amen!

Me, me, me! The update...

So in my previous post I mentioned my new position and a date I went on. Here's what happened:

WORK
There is so much to learn in my new position, and to be honest I was a tad nervous about it over the weekend, but so far it's going okay. The good thing is that I'm not fully on the Travel Request system (which is the main part of my job) because of some technical difficulties. This has left me some time to organize my desk and really settle in. I was able to sit with my predessesor, Maria, and thoroughly go over what I will be doing (mostly all travel-related).

Well, that Train-a-Thon came in handy because Maria called in sick today. Because of everything we went over, and my detailed notes, I have been able to handle the basic travel arrangements that have come my way. Thank you, Jesus!

DATE
The guy and I met up at Claim Jumper. Dinner was nice and the conversation was interesting, but I walked away knowing this wasn't going anywhere. The main problem I had was that he seemed to be ashamed of the Gospel. He went so far as to say that he doesn't like to call himself a Christian because he doesn't like "labels." Really? More like you are embarrased to tell people you are a follower of Christ and worry way too much about what the world things and not enough about what the Lord thinks of you. Yeah, definitely not the godly leader I want in my life.

Even better, yesterday he texted me telling me that despite what an amazing time he had with me and that he thinks I'm a "cool gal," he didn't feel we were compatible either. Phew! I was worried about having to let this guy down easy, but he handled the job for me.

He said that there were two things that he honed in on that made him feel we would not be a good fit:

1. In his words: We are "in a different place spiritually." (Agreed.)

2. Also in his words: "You... are a behind the scenes gal that wants to stay home and eventually you [want] to get to a place where the two of you lived off of one salary." (So apparently he is not okay with being the sole breadwinner... okie dokie.)

Well, there you go.

This is what I replied to him:

"You're a cool guy and I enjoyed dinner and our converstation, but yeah, like you said, I didn't feel the spark for the same reasons. I think you are still on that adventure that we have to go on sometimes before we can fully commit our lives to the Lord and there is nothing wrong with that. It's just not where I want my guy to be. Good luck with your baby girl, carreer ambitions, writing, and search for the right one. Trust in God and he'll take you places you never imagined for yourself. =) God bless."

Obviously NOT for the same reasons, but the "spirituality" aspect is true. What I didn't mention to him was that I think his politics stink. =) (If you read my blog than you can probably guess who he voted for President. LOL.)


Anyway, that's that. There are the updates. I am already chatting with another guy who seems to have his head on straight about the Lord, so we'll see what happens there. All I know is that I sure am getting some good dating practice in lately. Even they they aren't very successful dates, I'm having fun....

Me, me, me!

Because ultimately everything is about me, right? lol. Just kidding....

Monday I start my new position in the Chief Deputy's office. Kinda exciting, kinda not. It's something new and a new challenge AND will open up doors for me, but I'm not making that much more money and I'm going to miss my immediate co-workers. It's been so nice being able to fellowship at work, but nothing lasts forever does it.

My debt is so close to being paid off and it feels SO GOOD! Two years ago I was at nearly $24,000 of debt (not including that evil Audi, but mostly because of it). Right now I'm down to $5,000 and that's only because I added Invisalign to the mix. If it wasn't for Invisalign, I would be done already. October 2011 (7 months from now!), I will be officially debt-free! Hallelujah!

I have a date tonight with a guy from eHarmony with whom I have been texting and chatting over the phone. He's white, which is out of my norm (I love me some brown dudes, what can I say), but he's funny and seems cool. We'll see what happens. It's in God's hands.

I'm also chatting with another guy on eHarmony (who IS brown... lol). This guys seems like he has more of a solid relationship with the Lord, so I'm definitely not going to rule him out either. I'm learning that I need to leave myself a little more open and available to different opportunities. I'm definitely not a player, but I'm also not obligated to anyone right now. Until you are committed and maybe even put a ring on my finger, I don't owe you anything. I know what I want and won't settle for less than anyone who loves the Lord and who is ready for that next step in his life. This too is in God's hands.

That's about it.... I'll update what happens tonight later. Peace!

On the rocks...

There are two different married couples in my life who are having problems in their marriage and who are this close to crumbling. One wife wants to leave for good reason (pretty much abuse and drug involvement). The other wife doesn't want to leave, but her husband isn't man enough to be honest with her about never wanting to be with her in the first place. In both cases the human side of me feels for the women and is on their sides and wanting them to get away from these ridiculous men.

The Holy Spirit in me, however, is on the side of marriage in general. I'm on the side of healing in marriage. Why? Because I'm on the side of anything the devil hates and God loves. The devil hates marriage. His biggest mission seems to destroy all marriages. Why? Because the more broken marriages there are, the more broken and VULNERABLE people and children there are. It's a breeding ground for future mistakes and sins that could be so avoidable:

Men never marrying again because they no longer "trust women."

Women marrying any fool who comes along just so they won't have to be alone.

Little girls sleeping with multiple men, trying to find the daddy that was absent in their lives.

Little boys becoming addicts and criminals because they don't have a daddy to show them how to be the right kind of man.

And the list goes on...

The number one reason the Devil hates marriage, specifically between Christians, is because marriage is a picture of our relationship with Christ. He is the bridegroom and we are the bride. He paid it all to have us. He loves us and we love him and he will someday come back for his bride like knight in shining armor. The enemy HATES that with a passion. He would rather we be divorced from God forever, which is what we are when we are in our sin and without Christ.

Pray for all the married people in your life. EVERY DAY they are fighting against the enemy himself to keep their marriages together. It's hard, but it's not impossible... and God can heal even the most impossible situations. Look at my parents... The Lord healed their marriage after 10 years of being apart. He can do ANYTHING!

Instincts... You have them for a reason!

So I started taking morning walks at Hansen Dam, which is near my house. I usually park in a parking lot a little further from the dam because the one at the entrance to the dam is always full. Yeah, I won't be doing that anymore.

Saturday, I parked my car and took my walk, as usual. As I was heading back to my car, I spotted a man about 50 yards ahead of me sitting on some rocks near the parking lot. Immediatley my instincts told me to be leary of this man. As I got nearer to that area, I started going around to the side of where he was to get to my car. That was when he stood up and swiftly walked toward me.

My heart started racing.

I then abruptly stopped when he was only about 4 feet from me. I was not even going to try passing him because all I could imagine was him coming up behind me and grabbing me. When I stopped he stopped and I could tell that he could sense my defensiveness. It was pretty obvious because I stood cold in my tracks and looked (not-so-nicely) right at him. That's when he said, "Did you finish your walk?"

Um, who the heck are you, talking to me like you know me? Ew.

I said, kind of curtly, "Yeah, can I help you?"

My heart was pounding at this point, but I was not going to let this guy think I was vulnerable--this man who sure had some b***s trying to pull something in broad daylight!

He got the picture and kept walking. As soon as I knew I was out of his reach, I walked quickly to my car. That was when I noticed two men in a parked car looking at us. I'm glad to know that even if that guy did try something, there were witnesses and they would hopefully have come to my rescue.

(Thank you, Lord, for always protecting me!)

If you are a girl, or you have girls, there is an important message here: ALWAYS GO WITH YOUR INSTINCTS. Don't worry about being rude or hurting anyone's feelings. Your gut doesn't lie. Maybe that guy didn't intend to do anything but strike up a conversation with me (I highly doubt it). I don't really care. It didn't FEEL like those were his intentions and my gut told me that from 50 yards away.

Girls, you are BETTER OFF SAFE THAN SORRY! As for me, I am now carrying a small can of pepper spray on my keychain because, apparently, the freaks don't just come out at night...