Answers...

I wish I could say that I always get answers to my questions, but this is reality.  Sometimes we don't get to know.  Then sometimes we get answers, but they aren't exactly the answers we wanted. 

Today I got an answer.  It wasn't something I would have wanted, but it was necessary...

Let me backtrack.  As I mentioned in my first post of the year, things went in a not-so-good direction with the special person in my life.  It's been about a month since we last communicated and I was doing well with not being upset and letting it get to me.  I was trying to move on and focus on what matters... God's plan for my life. 

I shared what was going on with people around me and started getting the same reaction from a few people:  "He's going to realize the mistake he's made and come back."   To me that sounded far-fetched, but then again,  I believe in a God who can do things like that.  So I guess I started allowing myself to hope because afterall, "hope comes from the Lord."  There is nothing really wrong with hoping, but the problem is that for me to hope opens the door for me to become consumed with something that may not even happen. 

On top of this smidgen of hope, I've also felt that the Lord is calling me to pray for this man.  There have even been times where I tried to "forget" to pray for him and then the Lord sort of says, "hey... you forgot someone."  I don't mind praying for my "friend," but it's hard to forget someone when you have to think of him at least once a day in prayer. 

Anyway, all this to say that I've had a hard time letting go and moving on because this guy is in my thoughts, and even my dreams, all the time.

Well, this morning, I broke down and asked the Lord to help me move on.  Whether or not this man will ever be a part of my life, right now, in this moment of my life, I need to forget him and move on.  I cried out to God to help me to forget and move on, even if I'm still called to pray for him.

God was listening.

A few hours later, I'm at my desk and my friend (who happens to sit in the cubicle right next to him) texts me to see how I'm doing.  I confess to her that I've had Mr. Man on my mind constantly and its been driving me crazy.  She first started telling me that she doesn't like him anymore and that he was wrong for not being genuine with me after I laid out all my feelings.  I knew she was going somewhere with this and asked her to tell me what's up.  That's when she told me that he announced at work that he had gone on a date Saturday night.

Wham!  How's that for a reason to move on and let go?  lol.

It stung, but by God's grace it didn't devastate me.   I told her that he has every right to date and that I was glad she told me.  She, like a good friend, reinforced how disappointed in him she is.  I appreciated it, but I told her that I still am not angry with him.  (For the record, despite those baby hopes that someday God would fix everything and we would be together [which He could still do if He wanted to], I truly forgave him a while ago and have wanted at the very least to reconcile our friendship.) 

I left it alone, but then something dawned on me at lunch.  I had asked God this very morning to help me move on and through that text conversation with my dear friend, He answered my prayers.  He is showing me that I do indeed need to move on. 

So now not only have I had the clear and straighforward messages from God that I need to trust Him and wait on Him, but He has also made it clear that I need to move on and move forward.

I hear you, Lord.  You are coming in loud and clear.  I am listening.  Please help me now to obey...

As for my friend, Lord, be with him.  Keep Your hands on him and continue to bless him.  Draw him close to You and fix his eyes upon You.  Reveal your plan for him and show him that You are all that matters.  Lord, convict his heart of those things that hinder his relationship with You.  Refine both of us.  Sift us Lord.  Make us both better in you. 

You know why this has happened the way it has and I trust that You will never do anything to harm me.  Everything You allow to happen is for our good and Your glory.  Thank you, Lord.   "You give and take away... my heart will choose to say, 'Lord, Blessed be Your Name.'"

#AdultProblems

So the year is still off to a bumpy start. I got kicked out by my sister on Tuesday.

What?! I know… I’m not the type who gets kicked out of anywhere.

My sister Katie and I have the best relationship out of the three sisters, but that doesn’t mean it’s perfect. For the last nearly 2 years I’ve been living with her and her best friend in a mobile home that belonged to my mother. Very recently, my Mom signed the house over to my sister because where we live the owner has to live in the house, and frankly Katie was the only one of us who would gladly take that dump. LOL.

The entire time I’ve lived there has been full of on-and-off tension. People are people and they will get on each other’s nerves from time to time. Nothing abnormal. Yeah, well, I think things are worse when you live with family. People take liberties with their own family that they wouldn’t take with other people. Liberties in this case include using my face wash, expensive hair products, body washes, and (WORST OF ALL IN MY BOOK) makeup… among other things.

I am not any more selfish than your average nice person, but I have a problem with someone using my stuff without asking, on the down-low, and knowing they are not going to replace it. Not only has my sister taken liberties with my things, but she has also depended way too much on her best friend and I to keep the house clean, make sure the water jugs are full, fold her laundry, attend to house issues/emergencies, all the while reminding us just how much it is HER house.

There is only so much a person can take… especially when we know that we are doing my sister a big favor by helping her with rent to begin with.

Well, yesterday she got upset with me because I told her I didn’t want to share my make-up with her. Her reaction was to say that she didn’t like sharing her house. To which I replied that I don’t NEED to be there. Then she stormed off.

Later on that morning, I get an email apologizing about her attitude toward me and blaming it on lack of sleep due to the deaf guy living in the house now who snores like a Rhino and how she feels uncomfortable and put out in her own home. (You brought the guy here, dude. Really?)

At that point, I decided I would just lay all my frustrations out and call her out on her crap. I did. She of course got defensive, by saying she wasn’t getting defensive and then proceeding to list all the bad things I supposedly do to make her upset, including not depositing my own rent check or folding her laundry. Yes, she really did. LOL. She also, as usual, blamed her lack of pulling her own weight on the fact that she works AND goes to school and doesn’t make as much money as we do.

I came back and basically told her enough was enough with the excuses. It is not our fault that she doesn’t make as much money, goes to school, and has debt. It’s time to stop acting like everyone is obligated to help her because in the real world, renters would never be asked to deposit their own rent checks, maintain the rented property, fold their landlord’s laundry, etc. I told her that it’s time to grow up and stop depending on others.

This is where things turned….

She then called me to tell me that I was right about her needing to grow up and that’s why I needed to leave/see if I could stay with my parents, so that she could start being more independent. (Except, she still has two other people in her house helping to pay rent, so yeah…) I told her that was fine (I could see what she was doing here). Then I told her that I had no where to take my stuff. She then turned petty on me and told me that I needed to be an adult and put it in storage (even though there will be an empty, un-used room in the house once I’m gone). I saw what her smart-butt was doing, so all I said was “okay.” I’m a big girl and I CAN handle my own business.

Ultimately, I’m not too upset about the situation. I was so fed-up and ready to go anyway. I was at my breaking point, which was why I laid out my frustrations to begin with. The good news is that I do have somewhere to go while I search for my house.

Yes, you read that correctly. My house. I am back on the Condo search, and it couldn’t have worked out more perfectly. My parents will not charge me rent, which will allow me to put even MORE money into savings while I wait through the process. The drive to work is gonna be no fun, but it will only be for a little while.

Before you think my sister are never going to speak again, I did end up telling her last night that I wasn’t upset and that I think this is probably best for all of us. I just truly pray that my sister starts to really reflect on herself and truly grow up and change. I don’t want her to depend on other people. I want her to spread her wings and fly on her own (as corny as that sounds), like I had to do. She will be better off for it… I know I am. 

It's a new year. Let's make it a good one...

"A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all..." Psalm 34:19


I've been missing in action, blog.  Sorry.  A lot has happened.   Actually, things took a turn only hours after my last blog post was published.  Long story, but the gist is that the special person in my life is no more. 

Things were awkward and very much up in the air.  I was confused and sad.  I finally asked him if something had changed.  No answer.  3 weeks later, still no answer.  

They say that sometimes no answer IS your answer, but I think part of me knew that I wouldn't get an aswer even though he is otherwise a good and honorable man.  Let's be real though, it doesn't matter what kind of man he is, a man is a man and all men are afraid of what they perceive as an emotional outburst waiting to happen.  Too bad he didn't give me the opportunity to show him that I could be understanding. 

*sigh*

Anyway, I was depressed and hurt for about a week and then I pulled myself together.  I'm much better now and moving on.  What helps is that I know I really tried to handle things in the best way possible with this man and I don't feel that I did anything wrong in this situation.  This is the first time I feel that it's more about his issues than my own.  Not that I'm blaming anyone, but this is the first time I've dated a man where I was not insecure or waiting for him to figure out that he was too good for me.  lol.  (That is hilarious when I go back and read it, but true.)   This was the first time that I felt like myself with a man and that we were a good match for each other.

So, yeah, I don't think it was about me this time....

Well, reflecting back on all this, I can see that the Lord is telling me to just keep waiting patiently on Him.  I also feel like He's showing me that He had me on a specific path, including purchasing my own home, and I let it get sidetracked because I was wrapped up in hoping that this man was the one. 

So now, I'm re-focusing my efforts on getting back on the plan that I was originally focusing on.  My love life is on the backburner and I'm kinda okay with that.  It exhausted me and I don't even want to bother with it right now, which is amusing since there are a few options out there.  Sorry guys.  lol.

I guess the take-away from all this is:
1. I need to trust in the Lord completely and focus on Him; He's all that matters.
2. Stick to the plan!
3. Despite what happened with this man, I've learned that I can be myself and someone will like me just the way I am. 
4. There are good men out there that Love the Lord, I just need to let Him bring me the right one.
5. Even when bad things like this happen, I can still look back and see all the amazing things too.  2011 was NOT a bust.  It was more amazing than sad.  I can rejoice in the Lord over it.  =)

Lord, please keep me focused on you.  You are everything and I am nothing.  Thank you for getting me through this hard time and for restoring my peace and joy so quickly.  Your power is made perfect in my weakness.  I love you, Lord.  Please bless this new year even more than you did the last.  In Jesus' name, amen!

Stuck in the mud...

Psalm 40:1-3

 

“I waited patiently for the Lord, and He inclined to me, and heard my cry.  He brought me out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay; and he set my foot upon a rock making my footsteps firm.  And he put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; many will see and fear, and will trust in the Lord.”

 

I feel like this is a promise of how things will turn out eventually for me.  Eventually.

 

Right now, I’m in the miry clay, the slimy pit, crying out to the Lord…. But I HAVE to believe that he hears me and will soon pull me out and set me on firm ground.  I will have a new song of praise to God.

 

I just need to wait patiently. 

 

I’m going to be honest right now:  I HATE that word… “wait.”   Wait! Wait! Wait! 

 

It feels like the story of my life is a story about waiting.  What it really has been, though, is a story about God waiting for me… waiting on me to “get it.”  To understand how much more important He is than anything else I desire.  Nothing else matters. 

 

*sigh*

 

Lord, please align what I know is true in my mind with how my heart feels.  I want them to be in one accord, seeking you and your will first.  I’m tired of waiting, but I’m even more tired of this inner battle between trust and fear.  Help me.  I’m crying out for you to help me right now!

I’m going back to the start…

Why does Coldplay have perfect lyrics for every situation? Just saying… =)

Anyway, at the beginning of this last summer I was riding high. I had already lost a good amount of weight and was feeling a lot better about myself. I turned 30 and was enjoying my new body, still-young looks (yes, I did just write that… lol), and most of all my singleness. I even had made a commitment to God and myself that I would not be making any romantic commitments to anyone for 6 months. I was dating and having a good time… especially in July when I was lavished with all kinds of birthday fun and attention.

Then mister man comes along and changes the game. I though, “man, what they say is really true… it comes when you aren’t looking for it.”

Yeah…

What came was a distraction—from God and from life. I had all these plans, including getting a house, which were sidetracked (although not directly due to him). I did get this amazing job, however, which really was a blessing, but I lost my focus.

Now that things are up in the air with this dude, I’m getting a chance to look back and I’m like "wait a minute!” I was on an awesome adventure and it has been interrupted by someone who was trying to make it look like he wanted in on it too, but now he seems to be doing his own thing. It’s time to get back on my safari jeep like Indian Jones and keep this adventure going. He and other distractions need to be returned to the back seat where they belong and God needs to be put back in the driver’s seat where He belongs.

So…. Mister man has been relegated to just “an option” among a few options for now and I’m focusing on getting back on the trail I set out on. I’m doing my best to focus on serving the Lord with my life and my actions, dating/getting to know other people, and on moving forward with my future. I’m looking forward to moving out to my own apartment next month and starting fresh… a new, independent, attractive, self-reliant, secure woman who is relying on God to work things out.

I’m going back to where I started and staying on the trail…


Psalm 37:3-5, 7, 34

Trust in the Lord and do good; seek your happiness in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desire. Give yourself to the Lord; trust in him, and he will help you; Be patient and wait for the Lord to act; don’t be worried about those who succeed in their evil plans. Put your hope in the Lord and obey his commands.

Stepping back...

Things are never not complicated in Kristinaland.  Lol.

I am very blessed.  The Lord loves me and truly has poured His favor out upon me.  I believe its in response to areas in my life where I have chosen to be more obediant, but even that can be attributed to Him.  The things He has healed me of have helped facilitate my ability to be obediant.  So it all comes back to Him. :)

Go God! 

There is still that one area that I struggle with, however.  Guess which one...

*dun dun dun*

Yes, the double L word... Love life.

Blah!

It feels like I'll never get that one right.  And I dont mean that I can't make it happen, but that I can't let it happen.  I cant just allow things to happen. 

The guy in my life is a good guy.  He is very special.  I have never met anyone like him.  He loves the Lord. He is kindhearted, generous,  handsome, smart, etc.... and I feel like I can be myself with him. I really like him and I know he cares for me.

The problem with us girls is that when we find someone we want and are hopeful about, we go into "try to control the situation" mode.  We want to make things happen.  We want to help things along.  However, because that is not our job, but his, that puts him in "I dont know about this anymore" mode and things go south from there. :(

I dont know if that is happening right now.  It feels like it, and although I think there are things I do need to see him step up on, for the most part I feel that I am the problem here.

I think God agrees.

This is why I'm taking a step back.  I need to re-group and remember Who is number one here... Who gives me everything and fulfills my life. 

I also need to step back and let my "friend" come to me.

The Word says that Husbands need to love their wives the way Christ loves the church.  The church is the bride, but before we can be His bride, He pursues us.  He knocks on the door of our hearts and never gives up until we say yes.

I want to (and frankly need to) be pursued in the same way. 

So, right now I feel that the Lord is telling me that He has things under control, but that what He needs from me is to back off and stop making things so easy for Mister Man.  I'm going to comply... Even if I habe to force myself.  Even if I risk losing this guy.  I must be obedient.  I know it will be worth it.

Lord, thank You for being real with me.  I know you want nothing but the best things for me.  Strengthen me, guide me, and equip me.  Fix my eyes on you.  I surrender this ship to You, trusting that You are its most skilled and experienced captain.  In Jesus' name, AMEN!

He can do all things...

“Then Job replied to the Lord, ‘I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.’” Job 42:1-2

Amen!

Sometimes I find myself in and out of trust in the Lord. One minute I’m secure in the truth that God is working things out for my good… no matter what! Then other times, I’m in panic mode thinking that things are spiraling out of control and even God isn’t able to set things right. Total nonsense, I know. I think it’s human though. Even the Apostle Paul said that the “spirit is willing, but the body is weak” (Matthew 26:41), meaning our spirit wants to do what’s right (in this case, trusting completely in the Lord), but our flesh falls prey to weakness and sin (in this case, not trusting the Lord with our whole heart).

What we have to do is work on KNOWING that God CAN do all things and that His plans can NOT be hindered or obstructed.

That goes along with seeking his will and plan. It’s a must. There is no if, ands, or buts about it. We MUST seek His will and trust in His plan because it will be carried out whether we are on-board or not.

Thank you, Lord. Keep this reminder daily in my mind and heart. Don't let me forget it! Amen!

A glimpse of hell...

My sister let me borrow a book she recently purchased called “23 Minutes in Hell” by Bill Wiese. It is the account of his 23-minute trip to Hell. I think it’s a must-read for everyone. Reading it, you get the sense that this man is telling the truth and he has scripture to back it up.

Check out this video:


There was one thing in his account that really stuck out to me. At one point he is in a cavern full of creatures of all types that hate him and want to harm him. He specifically states that this includes giant spiders, around 3 feet tall.

Everyone knows that I am deathly afraid of spiders—no seriously—but that’s not why it stood out to me.

Years ago, when I was not walking with the Lord (in fact I now know that I really never KNEW the Lord intimately until a few years ago), I had a wake-up-call kind of dream from the Lord. For some reason the Lord loves to speak to me through dreams actually. But anyway…

In the dream, something was happening in the world and my Dad (who was also not living a right life before God) and I walk out of my house and see the world is dark and there is chaos around us. It’s like it’s the end of the world. We both look at each other and, without speaking a word, we both know that Jesus came and we where not taken. Then I looked up in the sky and saw seven stars. The stars move into a circle. Then I look away and see the sky raining fire and giant spiders surrounding us. Yes, spiders just as described in this man’s book.

Not long after that dream I read about the seven stars in the first book of Revelation. So that explained a lot, but I always remembered the spiders. In my mind they were probably there as a manifestation of something I truly fear. Especially since it seemed full of other things I feared, including (at that time) being left behind.

Then last night I read of these spiders and wham! The dream comes to my mind.

Now I know God was giving me a glimpse… a glimpse of things to come and what I could have faced if I did not come to Him. It literally brings me to tears.

God is real. Hell is real. We don’t have much time. Now is the time to share the Good News, because eventually it will be too late. I don’t want anyone I know to go to Hell…. ESPECIALLY after reading this man’s account. Hell was not meant for us humans and it hurts the Lord beyond description to see any of us lost to that horrible place.

My prayers of salvation for those around me are taking a whole new light now.

If you want more information on this book and its author, go to http://www.soulchoiceministries.org/.