Pull me back...

I saw my whole life as if I had already lived it. An endless parade of parties and cotillions, yachts and polo matches. Always the same narrow people, the same mindless chatter. I felt like I was standing at a great precipice, with no one to pull me back, no one who cared... or even noticed. -Rose, "Titanic"

I feel depressed. There I said it. I'm depressed. I have no idea why, but I just feel so overwhelmingly lonely right now. Even when surrounded by people, I feel like I'm all alone. I feel like I have no voice, and like Rose, I feel like there is "no one who care(s)... or even notice(s)."

Lord, why am I feeling this? My logical mind knows that You are with me, yet I feel like I'm on my own right now. I hate it. Please help me. I know the enemy is on the attack because I want to live for You. Stay his hand and protect me, Lord.

I call on you, O God, for you will answer me; give ear to me and hear my prayer. Show the wonder of your great love, you who save by your right hand those who take refuge in you from their foes. Keep me as the apple of your eye; hide me in the shadow of your wings... Psalms 17:6-8

Blech... Jumble jumble... Putter putter...

That's how I feel right now. lol My brain cannot function correctly (I told a caller today that Philip Browning [the head of my Department] was spelled with an F instead of with a Ph... ay!), and on top of that I feel like these people are giving me an unnecessary hard time at work today. I'm frustrated and tired. I have about 45 minutes left before I go home and they can't pass by fast enough.

It's just one of those days. Or is it? Ever since I got these spacers, I've felt almost depressed. I feel down. I feel like I could just curl up in a ball and go to sleep for a whole day. I think part of it is also just stress. Party planning stress. Money stress. Time stress. Stress stress.

These are the times I start to wish I had someone to help me carry this burden in my life. Someone to come home to. Someone to vent to. Yes, I have my Lord Jesus. I know he should suffice. The problem is that He's not physically here just yet. In the meantime, I wish I just had that physical someone here.

Lord, help me to get by on You. You should suffice in my life, but apparently You don't completely because I'm still longing for that human comfort instead of Your's. I'm sorry...

Great, now I'm crying. *sigh*

Disney's Official Blog

Disney has created it's own blog and it includes some insider info. Check it out.

I personally am happy to have information "straight from the horse's mouth." Sometimes you hear rumors about stuff going on, but can't always rely on the other blogs and sites to confirm. This is good. Now that I have the Premium season pass and no blackout dates, I really want to take advantage of the cool stuff going on at the park. Well, as much as financially possible.

Cool... One more thing for me to check out when I'm bored at work. lol.

I'm a racist?

The new thing to do nowadays is call any opponent of anything our President does a racist. If you are in the same room as him when he passes gas and cover your nose, you are a racist. (How dare you insult the President, you racist!)

Seriously? So, I guess since I wholeheartedly oppose his form of "healthcare reform," his die-hard devotion to mother's having the "right" to kill their babies, and his knack for putting us in even deeper debt by the trillions, I am nothing more than a cold-hearted racist. Well, put a hood on my head and call me Bubba.

PUH-LEASE! So ridiculous!

The worse thing is that in the process of trying to discredit those who don't agree they are totally undermining the true meaning of racist. It's becoming so overused and trite that when there really is a racist situation going on, no one's going to take it seriously.... Thus, the quote of the day:

"...if you actually believe that mere political disagreement is tantamount to 'racism' – please consider the profound disservice you're doing to our country. You, and others like you, have now successfully so over-used and misused the word 'racism' such that you've made the term irrelevant. Today, when the word 'racism' is uttered, it sounds like nothing more than defensive political 'spin.' And to believe as Carter and company do is to render actual 'racism' to be irrelevant in the minds of many. And that’s a sad turn of events, in a nation where actual racism still exists." -Austin Hill

Agreed.

Update: Family who?

Sandy posted a message on Facebook today:

I'm so mad! Why does my REAL Family suck so bad... they make me so sad... Its hard for me to believe that I'm related to them sometimes...

Poor thing! My heart hurts for her. She tries and tries to get even an ounce of love and support out of these people and they always let her down. It's not cool. I commented:

:( That's rough. I know it's not the same, but you have so many people around you who love you to death and do want to be there for you...

I know it's really NOT the same. We are supposed to be born into families where we are protected and nutured, but unfortunately that doesn't happen for everyone. We live in a fallen world where some are selfish and abusive, even towards their own children or family members. I thank God everyday that I am part of a family that may not be perfect, but is loving and communicates. I am so blessed. I thank God that we are able to show Sandy even a glimpse of that, but most of all that through us, God is able to shine His light of love upon her.


In other news....

Her soon-to-be sister-in-law is getting on my nerves. That girl always feels the need to out-do us. I don't know if it's insecurity or envy that we get to be a direct part of Sandy's, Baby K's, and Juan's lives while she only gets to observe from a distance (as in across the country), or what....??? She posted up something after me about how the BECERRA (Juan's) family loves her and will always be there for her (or something like that).

Um, hun, didn't I say that Sandy is surrounded by people who care about her? It's not like I was saying WE or the MORALES FAMILY are the only ones that care about her. I think I covered everyone. Ugh! I know I'm probably sounding petty myself, but I just want to tell her, "Get over it already! Stop trying to make it a competition about who loves Sandy, Juan, and Baby K more."

I, myself, am sick of Sandy being stuck in the middle, so I can imagine how much worse it is for Sandy....

Family who?

Sandy and I have been working our butts off trying to get Kaylin's birthday planned. My mom, Kim, and Katie are all donating AT LEAST $100 each to our efforts (my mom is putting in $200), plus we are all going to be running a booth or activity at the party. I alone have spent about $100 SO FAR and have put a lot of time into the planning.

I'm not saying that spending money on people or throwing awesome parties for them is the only way to show just how much you love them, but it sure does make a statement. I don't think anyone can deny how special Sandy and Baby K (yes, and Juan) are to us after this... lol

Now, I don't really ever expect Sandy's biological family to shell out all kinds of money or even Juan's family, but I would hope they would at least plan to show up. Sheesh. We are already finding out that Sandy's brother's are both bailing. That sucks! It hurts my feelings and they aren't even my brothers.

I guess blood is not always thicker than water. In this case, I'm glad I'm the water...

Pain and Starvation

Okay, I take it back. I'm complaining!! I can't eat anything because it hurts to chew. I HATE THESE SPACERS!

Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not nice when I'm hungry. I feel very not nice today. I did eat my lunch, but hardly. I made the unfortunate mistake of bringing Pot Roast. I was able to eat the soft veggies, but the meat itself I pretty much had to break into tiny pieces and just swallow whole. I tried chewing once and it was no bueno. My molars where throbbing. It's kinda hard to chew with your front teeth, so I gave up on that. Then on top of all that, everything get's stuck everywhere (I know I complained about that previously, but I'm complaining again, okay. LOL).

I went online and typed in "what to eat with spacers." Yeah, pretty much everything/everyone said ice cream, soup, and mashed potatoes (I'm lactose intolerant and all those things are chock full of carbs). So, I don't know what the heck I'm going to do. All I have at home is protein and salad, and I think at this point even lettuce will be too hard for me to chew.

*crying*

I want to lose weight, but not by starvation!!!! What am I going to do....

Well thith thuckth...

Got my spacers in yesterday (finally), but I'm already hating them big time. I sound like Daffy Duck ("Thuffering Thoccotash!") and everything I eat gets stuck in a million different crevices. It's so annoying! I'm embarrased when I talk and I'm definitely having a not-so-good time answering the phones. Unfortunately, my boss' name, her boss' name, and my own name all contain at least one "s." So, I'm sounding like an idiot everytime I say their and my names. Gah!

I guess the only benefit is that I will definitely NOT be overeating for the next 3 months. I seriously can't even enjoy food anyway. I'm too busy worrying about not getting bits and pieces stuck in this contraption.

Sorry, I know I sound like a big whiner and complainer, but this really is no fun. I know it will be worth it in the end though, so maybe I should just keep my big metal-filled mouth shut...

A weekend of almost losing...

I was all excited this weekend. I bought a cute new dress for my friend Susy's wedding on Saturday and I was heading over on Friday to run errands with Sandy for Kaylin's birthday party. It was going to be a fun and full weekend, but then halfway through my day, I got the kind of news you don't want to get.

I was so busy, I wasn't paying attention to my phone. We stopped for lunch and I finally took it out to see if I had any messages. I had a voicemail and three texts from my friend Mandy (who works with Susy). "Call me." "Kris call me asap." "Where are you babe?"

Weird, but I didn't think it was anything too serious. I call Mandy and she tells me that there isn't going to be a wedding because Susy was involved in a bad accident and it "doesn't look good."

What!?! Talk about being in shock. I told Sandy (who was also going to the wedding) and we both just sat there, at a loss for words. I teared up and was scared, but at the same time, I took the severity with a grain of salt. I love Mandy, but sometimes she can blow stuff out of porportion. She made it seem like our friend was on her deathbed. I refused to believe it until I had some solid information.

Well, needless to say, my whole day was ruined and all I could do was think about whether my friend was going to die and how much I regretted not being in her life consistently for the last few years. (We've had our ups and downs, but at the end of the day, I love this girl to death... especially right now. lol) Thank goodness I was busy with Baby K's birthday and was somewhat distracted, but only somewhat.

Then I hear more news from Mandy: Supposedly Susy has broken "pretty much every bone in her body." Great. I call my sister, who works in an ER, and she tells me that if that is true that she probably won't live because of the amount of trauma. I don't want to hear that! So I start getting upset again.

We find out what hospital Susy was taken to and my sister calls to see if she can get any information. Turns out she's stable, but she's broken her wrist, ankle, and hip. She's in emergency surgery for the hip. She should be okay. Thank you, Jesus! (I'm tearing up again. Great! lol)

Now that's the kind of news I wanted to hear.... well, except for the whole broken bones part. =) I'm just so glad that she's gonna live and that eventually there is going to be a wedding and everything's gonna be okay. God is so good.

My number one lesson from all this: Cherish those you love, whether near or far, because in a blink of an eye they can be taken from you and then you've lost your chance to show them how much they mean to you. Thank the Lord for my second chance. I'm gonna love on that girl the first chance I get! Thank you, thank you, thank you, Jesus!


Here is the news story on the accident:

Two people injured in Highway 126 head-on collision : Local News : Ventura County Star

Shared via AddThis

"Beware of strange men promising free medical care."

This is too good. And Instapundit is right, this is a parable for our times... for at the moment there is indeed one strange man promising free medical care who we should beware of. lol

A PARABLE FOR OUR TIMES: They thought it was about free health care, but it was actually a mugging.

They were well-dressed when they knocked on the door of a Huntington home last month and said they had information about President Barack Obama’s health care plan. That’s how they got inside to commit a violent home invasion on Aug. 29, a Suffolk prosecutor said Monday. A woman who lives at the house answered the door and said she would take one of the pamphlets. That’s when Thompson, 31, of Brooklyn and Desir, 26, of Nyack forced their way inside, Kurtzrock said.

Beware of strange men promising free medical care.

Early morning cup of... smut

To get to and from work I take the dreaded 60 freeway. Worst freeway ever! It's like everyone who drives it has left their brain at home/work. Everyday is a fight for my survival. lol

The worst thing--WORST THING--about that freeway for me, though, is the amount of disgusting billboards I have to see as I go to work in the morning. It's like they have every disgusting sin they can find up there. You got beer ads, strip club ads (with half-naked chicks, totally spread-eagle), Vegas ads, etc. It's really gross and I'm tired of being forced to have to see them everyday. Seriously. I'm on the verge of complaining, but what's the use? The world thinks there is nothing wrong with any of these things.

I used to think I would never have TVs in my car. I grew up without them and so can my kids. There are more constructive things they can do with their time (like read!) than stare at the tube not only at home, but also in the car. Well, now I'm starting to change my mind about that. I would rather have my kids back there watching Veggie Tales or a Disney movie, than to have them looking out the window at some stripper in nothing but a tiny bikini, squatting with her legs wide open for all of the world to see. No thanks. "Kids, keep your eyes on Nemo... "

What is wrong with our community when we can mindlessly drive past this stuff and not even flinch... well, except the guys. I'm sure they can't help but look at Stripper Sally and her "goods" (imagine these guys trying to stay pure-minded, having to try to avoid this crap everyday... I really give it to you, guys). No one says anything (me included). We just sit back and accept it to the point where we don't even notice that stuff we don't want our kids exposed to is being forced on them left and right. Not cool.

When are we going to open up our eyes?

They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more. You, however, did not come to know Christ that way. -Ephesians 4:18-20

Boredom and Being Creative

This has been the slowest week ever! It started out with me not feeling well and even going home early on Monday (I only worked 3 hours). Then for some reason, my sickness gave me very little patience and it was everything for me not to be rude yesterday. I had to drop by church to pick up the materials for upcoming Women's Bible Study (yay Bible Study), but was not able to stay for Moments with the Master because, again, not feeling well and not in the best mood. Now, I feel better, but boy am I bored.

This morning was good. I covered the other secretary's desk and managed to not do anything stupid (Thank you, Jesus!). Now that she's in, however, I find myself with nothing to do. I hope this doesn't become a regular occurance...

Anyway, I've been getting very creative lately with my custom invites and stuff, but this last weekend my dad and I did something really cool. We made a wood standup cutout (don't really know the techinical term) for Kaylin's Country Fair birthday party. Check it out (pre-face holes):

I have to say I'm pretty proud of this. I think we did a very good job. I came up with the concept and free-handed most of it with a pencil (my dad helped with the guy--I'm not good with the human form--and the whip and boots). We both painted it. It was so much fun and I was totally excited about how good it came out. Thankfully, so was Sandy. I can't wait to see all the little kids (and big kids) taking pictures with it. It's gonna be cute and I'm sure a little funny.

Well, now I have the creative bug big time and I'm wishing the weekend was here so I could get to work on more crafty stuff for the party. Maybe that's why the week feels like it's dragging on... I got things to do this weekend!

Come on, weekend! Hurry up and get here....

Party planning, as usual...

So we are planning my niece Kaylin's 2nd Birthday Party and it's going to be a Country Fair theme. We are going to have carnival games and treats, and even a bounce house. It's going to be awesome. I'm really excited and so are Sandy and Juan (yes, even Juan!). Our challenge is to do it all on a budget, and so far it seems like we should be able to swing it and still have a successful and creative party.

I think I have a party planning addiction. I can't just throw a small party. I always have to get super creative and blow it up into a full-blown event. What can I say? I love to do these things for the people I love... and I admit, I love the praise I get for all my creativity and hard work. "You should start your own business." "You are so good at this!"

That's so bad, isn't it? It's not Christian to be wanting all the praise like that. The glory needs to go to God, not me. Bad, Kristina!

No, but seriously. All the praise and glory does go to Him and I think when people see the love that we have for Sandy, who isn't even our blood sister, it speaks to the love of God through us. I will try my best to give Him the glory when this thing goes down, because I'm not gonna lie... this party is gonna be the bomb! =)

Just another face in the crowd...

I've been trying to regularly go to the Young Adult Bible Study at church for 18- to 35-year-olds. It's really cool and I like the leader (I think his name is Mike). I like that I'm around other people my age and we are learning together.

I have to admit something though: I've been secretly hoping that I would be approached by someone--anyone--while I'm there. I keep thinking, "maybe someone will notice me and want to come up and get to know me." Alas, that never happens. The most interaction I get while there is the greeting we give each other before we start.

I try to be as friendly as I can be. I even try to smile more and to seem more approachable, but it's not working. I know the answer is that I need to do the approaching, but, honestly, I'm TERRIFIED. Really. I am not good at being sociable and outgoing. It just sucks because right now, more than almost anything, I just want to make friends with believers my own age, but it seems to not be happening. Ugh!

This fact was really driven home for me this weekend as I hung out with some old friends. Everything was good overall, but as usual, I caught some heat about my beliefs and was even mocked. I guess I'm used to it, so it doesn't really hurt my feelings (even though you never see me mocking them or criticizing their lifestyles), and I know that these people are lost and don't know what they are talking about, but it really just makes me feel like I only want to be around young people who have the same beliefs and mindset. It's like I can only relate to my sisters who are believers because pretty much all of my young friends have no clue.

Lord, PLEASE put people into my life who love You or give me the courage to actively seek them out. I'm scared. Scared of being alone in this world and of having to put myself out there. Help me...

To the least of these....

This weekend I've been on and off Facebook debating with friends (and even family) about free healthcare. Being that this is California/Los Angeles (the land of the liberal), the majority of my friends on Facebook are for ObamaCare and free healthcare. I am not. I'm not going to go into the whole debate, but you can read my opinion on ObamaCare here.

What I have told many people and what I have written in other places is that I blame a lot of our "problems" with healthcare on us, Christians. Jesus told us to sell all of our possesions and help the needy. He told us that "whatever [we do] for one of the least of [His] brothers," we are doing for Him. (Matthew 25:39-41) Conversely, whatever we are NOT doing for our brothers/neighbors, we are NOT doing for Him.

The fact is that we are not doing what the Lord asked us. We are not sacrificing our time and money to help others. There are people out there who are sick and in great need and we as Christians are not doing enough to help. We live these comfortable lives and maybe donate here or there to some special charity... we might even drop some pennies in a jar for needy kids at the Store. Meanwhile, we go home and sit in front of the tv, munching on popcorn, nice and comfortable. (I'm talking about myself here!) All this time we have to devote to NOTHING, when we could be out there doing SOMETHING for the least of our Lord's people.

Well, in all this debating the Lord has convicted my heart. "What are YOU doing, Kristina?" I'm doing nothing, Lord. I'm sitting on my butt doing nothing, but flapping my lips (or typing away) about what we need to be doing, like a big fat hypocrite.

That has to change. I am single. I have no big obligations to anyone. I have plenty of free time. I only volunteer at church 2 times a month. I have no excuse to not be out there helping my community and doing unto my brothers and sister as I would have them do unto me.

The truth is, I should be dropping everything and going to Mexico, or Africa, or even South Central L.A. full-time and reaching out in the Name of the Lord. Unfortunately, I am slave to my debt and can't drop everything right now, but that doesn't mean there is nothing for me to do. Sooooo, this week, I'm going to start looking into volunteer opportunities in my community. I need to walk the walk, and talk the talk. Otherwise, I AM a hypocrite and I should be ashamed.

Lord, use me.

Nice and everything, but not for me...

One of the ladies from my Bible study emailed me the other day asking for a favor. I'm thinking, "all of us have not gotten together for a while, maybe she wants me to plan something" or "maybe she needs me to get a hold of Diana" (since everyone knows we are buddies now).

Nope. She asks me if I'm still single and if I would be okay with having her son give me a call. (!!!!!) At first, I'm like, "oh yeah!" Shoot, I'll take any opportunity for the Lord to put someone in my life... plus, brownie points because the mom likes me. =) BUT (and there's always a "but") I started to remember that this is the same son for which she always requested prayer... prayer for his salvation. That's when I thought, "I don't know about this."

Then she emails me telling me that she really only wants a friend for him right now. Okay. I'm totally down with that. In fact, even if he were a believer, walking with the Lord, I would still want to just start out as friends. I've learned my lesson. =)

She tells me that she invited him to church (yesterday evening's service) and that maybe I could meet him there. I'm not really expecting him to show up and when service is over, of course, he's not there. So, she's talking to me and showing me pictures of him and the house he just bought (and even was taking pictures of me, which was uber embarrassing, I have to say!), when her husband comes up to us.

She tells him that I'm the girl "she was talking about" (meaning for her son, I guess). He immediately says that he loves his son, but he needs help and that we would be unequally yoked (okay, you know someone is not good for you when even the person's parent is saying that it's probably not good... lol). That's when I had to make it clear that I was only trying to be friends with this guy because I will NOT date someone who doesn't have a relationship with the Lord. (I totally got a high-five from the dad on that one. Ay ay ay!)

I think she knows that, but still wants us to hang out. I'm fine with that and I hope that I can be an example to him and maybe be used by God to bring him to the Lord, but I definitely will not be romantically involved with this dude, unless the Lord makes it clear that he is the one He has for me.

I need a man who is mature in Christ. I don't have time to be wasting on someone who is not up-to-speed. I know that sounds harsh, but I think being unequally yoked not only means that both of you are not believers, but als that both of you are not at the same spiritual level. I am not necessarily a fully-matured Christian, but I'm definitely not a "Baby" christian. I need someone who has reached the same level of maturity in their Christian walk as I have, or even better.

I'm a woman, not a man. It's my job to encourage my soon-to-be-husband, but I don't think it is my job to teach and admonish him. He should be at that place in his life when we meet or get together. Afterall, he is supposed to be the Leader, Priest, Provider, and Protector, not me.

Let's see what happens, if anything...

"arrested for DUI..."

Man, something HILARIOUS happened today involving my Facebook page. Just had to record it for posterity.

I had a dream last night that this guy totally rejected me. The night before I had a dream that I was arrested for DUI. (Don't know what's up with these dreams, but yeah....) So I thought I'd be clever and post something about it on my Facebook page. I decided to send the status update from my phone via text message. Bad idea.... or was it?

This is what I sent:

(Kristina Morales) dreamt that she got rejected by some guy. Wow. Even in my dreams. Lol. I guess its still not as bad as the dream I had the night before in which I was arrested for DUI...

Well, next thing you know I start getting all these comments from people:

"DUI?"

"Ha, I just saw your first post, but at first I was like, why is Kristina rested for a DUI? And why would she post that?? Lol, I get it now!!!"

"I am glad I read the entire message. I would have been calling Monroy and busting you out...LOL"

OMG! I realized then that the status update got posted in two parts! The second post just read:

(Kristina Morales) arrested for DUI...

Too funny!!! I had all these people thinking for second that I was arrested for driving under the influence. All I could think of was their reactions because I am the last person that anyone would think was going to get arrested and definitely not for DUI. Of course, everyone thought it was funny once they realized what was going on.

Oh man, that made my day!

Sanity in Singleness

Suzanne Hadley, a writer on Boundless, reminds me a lot of myself. We have had almost the same struggles when it comes to love and finding a husband. She is now engaged and I love to read her article because they 1) encourage me and remind me that God will bring me my husband eventually, and 2) because they help me to get a glimpse into my future, when that husband does come.

In her article today, she wrote something that really spoke to my heart:

My choice (sometimes daily and painful) to trust the Lord despite undesirable circumstances paid off, not only in a wonderful, godly man coming into my life, but in a heart not bitter toward a loving and generous God. I had to come to grips with the fact that God does not stamp out our lives with a cookie cutter. He has a personal, intricate plan for each of His children.

It reminded me that God is so good. If it wasn't for His love, I would be that person with a heart that is bitter towards Him. It is thanks to all the waiting that He has made me endure that I've been able to draw closer to Him and understand that He is NOT being spiteful towards me, but has a perfect plan for how He is going to bring me the one he made just for me. That is so awesome! I know that it will be worth the wait because He will make sure that man comes not too early and not too late, but just when the time is perfect and right.

Amen!

P.S. Another awesome thing I've noticed about myself since I've stopped worrying about when and why I was single and started focusing on the Lord: I'm happier and I'm not stressing about my weight and my looks, and I've noticed that as a result, I'm starting to receive more attention from the opposite sex. Now, it may not be the kind of attention I always want (lol), but it does show me that the more I let go and trust in Him, the more I am appealing to the world. Instead of thinking that I'm alone because I'm not pretty/thin enough, I now know that I'm alone because my attitude was not good enough and the only One who could have shown me that was God. So even more props to Him! =)

I can feel the winds a'changin. Something's going to happen soon, isn't it Lord? You're so good to me...