Answers...

I wish I could say that I always get answers to my questions, but this is reality.  Sometimes we don't get to know.  Then sometimes we get answers, but they aren't exactly the answers we wanted. 

Today I got an answer.  It wasn't something I would have wanted, but it was necessary...

Let me backtrack.  As I mentioned in my first post of the year, things went in a not-so-good direction with the special person in my life.  It's been about a month since we last communicated and I was doing well with not being upset and letting it get to me.  I was trying to move on and focus on what matters... God's plan for my life. 

I shared what was going on with people around me and started getting the same reaction from a few people:  "He's going to realize the mistake he's made and come back."   To me that sounded far-fetched, but then again,  I believe in a God who can do things like that.  So I guess I started allowing myself to hope because afterall, "hope comes from the Lord."  There is nothing really wrong with hoping, but the problem is that for me to hope opens the door for me to become consumed with something that may not even happen. 

On top of this smidgen of hope, I've also felt that the Lord is calling me to pray for this man.  There have even been times where I tried to "forget" to pray for him and then the Lord sort of says, "hey... you forgot someone."  I don't mind praying for my "friend," but it's hard to forget someone when you have to think of him at least once a day in prayer. 

Anyway, all this to say that I've had a hard time letting go and moving on because this guy is in my thoughts, and even my dreams, all the time.

Well, this morning, I broke down and asked the Lord to help me move on.  Whether or not this man will ever be a part of my life, right now, in this moment of my life, I need to forget him and move on.  I cried out to God to help me to forget and move on, even if I'm still called to pray for him.

God was listening.

A few hours later, I'm at my desk and my friend (who happens to sit in the cubicle right next to him) texts me to see how I'm doing.  I confess to her that I've had Mr. Man on my mind constantly and its been driving me crazy.  She first started telling me that she doesn't like him anymore and that he was wrong for not being genuine with me after I laid out all my feelings.  I knew she was going somewhere with this and asked her to tell me what's up.  That's when she told me that he announced at work that he had gone on a date Saturday night.

Wham!  How's that for a reason to move on and let go?  lol.

It stung, but by God's grace it didn't devastate me.   I told her that he has every right to date and that I was glad she told me.  She, like a good friend, reinforced how disappointed in him she is.  I appreciated it, but I told her that I still am not angry with him.  (For the record, despite those baby hopes that someday God would fix everything and we would be together [which He could still do if He wanted to], I truly forgave him a while ago and have wanted at the very least to reconcile our friendship.) 

I left it alone, but then something dawned on me at lunch.  I had asked God this very morning to help me move on and through that text conversation with my dear friend, He answered my prayers.  He is showing me that I do indeed need to move on. 

So now not only have I had the clear and straighforward messages from God that I need to trust Him and wait on Him, but He has also made it clear that I need to move on and move forward.

I hear you, Lord.  You are coming in loud and clear.  I am listening.  Please help me now to obey...

As for my friend, Lord, be with him.  Keep Your hands on him and continue to bless him.  Draw him close to You and fix his eyes upon You.  Reveal your plan for him and show him that You are all that matters.  Lord, convict his heart of those things that hinder his relationship with You.  Refine both of us.  Sift us Lord.  Make us both better in you. 

You know why this has happened the way it has and I trust that You will never do anything to harm me.  Everything You allow to happen is for our good and Your glory.  Thank you, Lord.   "You give and take away... my heart will choose to say, 'Lord, Blessed be Your Name.'"

#AdultProblems

So the year is still off to a bumpy start. I got kicked out by my sister on Tuesday.

What?! I know… I’m not the type who gets kicked out of anywhere.

My sister Katie and I have the best relationship out of the three sisters, but that doesn’t mean it’s perfect. For the last nearly 2 years I’ve been living with her and her best friend in a mobile home that belonged to my mother. Very recently, my Mom signed the house over to my sister because where we live the owner has to live in the house, and frankly Katie was the only one of us who would gladly take that dump. LOL.

The entire time I’ve lived there has been full of on-and-off tension. People are people and they will get on each other’s nerves from time to time. Nothing abnormal. Yeah, well, I think things are worse when you live with family. People take liberties with their own family that they wouldn’t take with other people. Liberties in this case include using my face wash, expensive hair products, body washes, and (WORST OF ALL IN MY BOOK) makeup… among other things.

I am not any more selfish than your average nice person, but I have a problem with someone using my stuff without asking, on the down-low, and knowing they are not going to replace it. Not only has my sister taken liberties with my things, but she has also depended way too much on her best friend and I to keep the house clean, make sure the water jugs are full, fold her laundry, attend to house issues/emergencies, all the while reminding us just how much it is HER house.

There is only so much a person can take… especially when we know that we are doing my sister a big favor by helping her with rent to begin with.

Well, yesterday she got upset with me because I told her I didn’t want to share my make-up with her. Her reaction was to say that she didn’t like sharing her house. To which I replied that I don’t NEED to be there. Then she stormed off.

Later on that morning, I get an email apologizing about her attitude toward me and blaming it on lack of sleep due to the deaf guy living in the house now who snores like a Rhino and how she feels uncomfortable and put out in her own home. (You brought the guy here, dude. Really?)

At that point, I decided I would just lay all my frustrations out and call her out on her crap. I did. She of course got defensive, by saying she wasn’t getting defensive and then proceeding to list all the bad things I supposedly do to make her upset, including not depositing my own rent check or folding her laundry. Yes, she really did. LOL. She also, as usual, blamed her lack of pulling her own weight on the fact that she works AND goes to school and doesn’t make as much money as we do.

I came back and basically told her enough was enough with the excuses. It is not our fault that she doesn’t make as much money, goes to school, and has debt. It’s time to stop acting like everyone is obligated to help her because in the real world, renters would never be asked to deposit their own rent checks, maintain the rented property, fold their landlord’s laundry, etc. I told her that it’s time to grow up and stop depending on others.

This is where things turned….

She then called me to tell me that I was right about her needing to grow up and that’s why I needed to leave/see if I could stay with my parents, so that she could start being more independent. (Except, she still has two other people in her house helping to pay rent, so yeah…) I told her that was fine (I could see what she was doing here). Then I told her that I had no where to take my stuff. She then turned petty on me and told me that I needed to be an adult and put it in storage (even though there will be an empty, un-used room in the house once I’m gone). I saw what her smart-butt was doing, so all I said was “okay.” I’m a big girl and I CAN handle my own business.

Ultimately, I’m not too upset about the situation. I was so fed-up and ready to go anyway. I was at my breaking point, which was why I laid out my frustrations to begin with. The good news is that I do have somewhere to go while I search for my house.

Yes, you read that correctly. My house. I am back on the Condo search, and it couldn’t have worked out more perfectly. My parents will not charge me rent, which will allow me to put even MORE money into savings while I wait through the process. The drive to work is gonna be no fun, but it will only be for a little while.

Before you think my sister are never going to speak again, I did end up telling her last night that I wasn’t upset and that I think this is probably best for all of us. I just truly pray that my sister starts to really reflect on herself and truly grow up and change. I don’t want her to depend on other people. I want her to spread her wings and fly on her own (as corny as that sounds), like I had to do. She will be better off for it… I know I am. 

It's a new year. Let's make it a good one...

"A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all..." Psalm 34:19


I've been missing in action, blog.  Sorry.  A lot has happened.   Actually, things took a turn only hours after my last blog post was published.  Long story, but the gist is that the special person in my life is no more. 

Things were awkward and very much up in the air.  I was confused and sad.  I finally asked him if something had changed.  No answer.  3 weeks later, still no answer.  

They say that sometimes no answer IS your answer, but I think part of me knew that I wouldn't get an aswer even though he is otherwise a good and honorable man.  Let's be real though, it doesn't matter what kind of man he is, a man is a man and all men are afraid of what they perceive as an emotional outburst waiting to happen.  Too bad he didn't give me the opportunity to show him that I could be understanding. 

*sigh*

Anyway, I was depressed and hurt for about a week and then I pulled myself together.  I'm much better now and moving on.  What helps is that I know I really tried to handle things in the best way possible with this man and I don't feel that I did anything wrong in this situation.  This is the first time I feel that it's more about his issues than my own.  Not that I'm blaming anyone, but this is the first time I've dated a man where I was not insecure or waiting for him to figure out that he was too good for me.  lol.  (That is hilarious when I go back and read it, but true.)   This was the first time that I felt like myself with a man and that we were a good match for each other.

So, yeah, I don't think it was about me this time....

Well, reflecting back on all this, I can see that the Lord is telling me to just keep waiting patiently on Him.  I also feel like He's showing me that He had me on a specific path, including purchasing my own home, and I let it get sidetracked because I was wrapped up in hoping that this man was the one. 

So now, I'm re-focusing my efforts on getting back on the plan that I was originally focusing on.  My love life is on the backburner and I'm kinda okay with that.  It exhausted me and I don't even want to bother with it right now, which is amusing since there are a few options out there.  Sorry guys.  lol.

I guess the take-away from all this is:
1. I need to trust in the Lord completely and focus on Him; He's all that matters.
2. Stick to the plan!
3. Despite what happened with this man, I've learned that I can be myself and someone will like me just the way I am. 
4. There are good men out there that Love the Lord, I just need to let Him bring me the right one.
5. Even when bad things like this happen, I can still look back and see all the amazing things too.  2011 was NOT a bust.  It was more amazing than sad.  I can rejoice in the Lord over it.  =)

Lord, please keep me focused on you.  You are everything and I am nothing.  Thank you for getting me through this hard time and for restoring my peace and joy so quickly.  Your power is made perfect in my weakness.  I love you, Lord.  Please bless this new year even more than you did the last.  In Jesus' name, amen!