Surrender already!

This post from Boundless really speaks to what I'm feeling right now.  It's like there is a war going on inside.  I--me, who I am in the Lord--genuinely WANTS to surrender all, but the flesh wants the opposite and my sinful nature is trying to convince me to just give it up all together because I'm such a hard time doing it to begin with.  I've always been that way:  If you can't do it right, don't do it at all.  I don't WANT that though.  I want to be obedient.  Here is a bit of what the author has to say about this:

And so I have a hard time singing those words, because I know that a more honest version might go something like this: “I surrender … some.”

I think both Peter and Paul might have had similar experiences with this hymn, though for different reasons, had it been around for them to sing. Peter, of course, probably would have belted it out at the top of his voice. He was, after all, the disciple who proclaimed to Jesus on the eve of His crucifixion, “Even if all fall away on account of you, I never will” (Mt. 26:33). A few short verses later, Peter has abandoned his Lord, who’s been taken into the custody of the Jewish religious leaders. We read in v. 58, “But Peter followed him at a distance …” Shortly thereafter, three quick and vehement denials would follow. How well intended Peter’s loyalty was! How far short he fell!

And then there’s Paul. In Romans 7 we read his famous description of the war between the two natures. “So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!” (Romans 7:21-25).

I can relate to Paul’s words here. There’s a part of me that genuinely longs to walk with Jesus. And there’s another part of me that, like a stubborn prodigal, insists on doing things Sinatra-style: my way. And so I wander away. I’m reminded of Robert Robinson’s classic hymn “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing,” which includes the lines, “Let Thy goodness, like a fetter/Bind my wandering heart to Thee/Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it/Prone to leave the God I love/Here’s my heart, O take and seal it/Seal it for Thy courts above.”

*sigh*

Lord, help me.  Help me to die to myself.  Help me lay down those things that are coming between You and I.  Help me to lay down those things I have no business and not enough strength to carry myself.  Help me to let go.  Help me to be content in WHATEVER circumstance I am in.  Help me to hide your Word and promises in my heart at all times.  Help me only the way You can.  In Jesus' name.  Amen.

Bye bye, comfort zone...

I think this is the year of God setting  me up to step outside of my comfort zone.  

It started at work.  We needed to hire a clerk and my boss asked if I would be okay with doing interviews.  I said, "sure!"  Inside, I was saying, "Oh crap! I've never done that before."  So, my friend Wendy and I teamed up and started interviewing candidates.  It was totally outside of my comfort zone, but I totally loved it!  I think it actually helped bring me out of my shell even more than I already have too! 

Before I even moved back to Pomona, I had already had the mindset that as soon as I got the condo I would try to get plugged into a church and start serving right away.  Well, I thought I would have some time to psych myself up for the whole idea.  Wrong.  Out of nowhere I felt the Lord pushing me to go ahead and start attending the Vine at my church here, Calvary Chapel Chino Valley.   The Vine is the 26- to 35-year-old ministry. 

I finally forced myself to go and I run into someone I know.  Then I find myself telling that person that I want to get involved and serve (Wait, what?  Did that just come out of my mouth?).  Next thing I know, this last Friday, I'm committing to help setup before Bible Study every Friday.  Again, I just stepped outside of my comfort zone and put myself out there. 

Yay me!

Even worse... okay better... part of setting up also involves greeting people.  Aaaaa!  Now THAT'S outside my comfort zone.  I'm no the type to approach people.  I usually let others come to me.  Yikes! That's definitely going to take some courage on my part.  I'll need God's help on that one.  =)

Yes, I'm definitely sure that this will be my year of stepping outside the comfort zone.  I guess the Lord never runs out of things to teach us...

Lord, thank You.  You never cease to amaze me.  I'm also taking this as confirmation that you want me at my church... even if it's not in the same neighborhood as my future house.  Thank You for my church and thank You for new opportunities and open doors, and distractions.  ;)

Still here... barely

I'm still here, blog.  Sorry I've neglected you.  So much has been happening.  Busy at work, which I love.  Have an offer in on a condo (short sale).  Started going to the young adult (26-35 year olds) ministry at church and it's been a big blessing.  Started journaling my thoughts and prayers in a notebook instead of here (sorry!).  =)

Oh and there's that other thing...  The thing where I'm still trying to get over the boy (I know... stupid).  It's been a LOT better than it was a month ago, but I still wonder and ruminate over everything.  If I could have things my way, we would reconcile and be friends again, and part of me thinks that could happen one day, but I know it won't be after a lot of time has passed. 

My sister has a boyfriend now.  She met him a month ago.  A MONTH and it already seems like this one is the One for her.

Now don't get me wrong.  I'm over the moon for my sister and I actually prayed for this, but I admit, it feels like a slap in the face.  I can't help but feel frustrated and wonder what in the name of all that is just and right I'm doing wrong.  My sister JUST decided to start dating again and WHAM!, prayers answered.  I've been trying to put myself out there for over a year and all I've gotten is one situation that was a bust.  *sigh*

Lord, please.  Please.  I need your reassurance right now.  I need some hope.  I need to know that I'm not going to be alone forever.  *tear* 

Forgive my weakness...

Acts 14:22

Acts 14:22  "...'We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God,' they said."

It's been about a month since my last post.  Have I gotten over homeboy yet?  Of course not.  That would mean that the devil decided to leave me alone for once.  Not happening.  lol

I still pray for him and think about him, and I've even sent him a couple of devotionals, but I know now that it's pointless and I need to just move on.  Well, prayer is not pointless, but holding on is. 

This man is over it and is showing it by being very rude and un-Christianlike toward my friend who sits next to him.  The day before yesterday was the last straw for me.  She emailed me and told me that he came into work being overly friendly with everyone in the room and completely ignoring her.  I can't help but feel that his behavior toward her directly reflects his feelings toward me.  His message is being read loud and clear. 

I just have lost so much respect for this man and am still in shock that he's acting like this, but I am starting to become mad.  I know he feels guilty over 1) the lack of respect he showed me and our friendship; and 2) the way he's walked away from the Lord.  My friend is a reminder of both, but that in no way means she deserves this type of treatment... especially because she has been nothing but gracious toward him despite the way he treated me.

It's just sad that someone could treat his sisters in the Lord in this way.  I used to think he was a good man, and I know somewhere in there he still is, but maybe these are his true colors.   Well, I suppose these are all of our true colors when we aren't walking with the Lord.  *sigh*

Needless to say, I am definitely moving on at this point.  I don't even see being friends with him anymore.  He has shown himself to be unreliable, selfish, and full of pride.  I know the Lord will bring this man back to a right relationship with him (He did it with me).  I just pray it's sooner rather than later. 

Anyway...

I do have some good news:  I had put a backup offer in on a condo I really liked.  I didn't really think it would happen because its in a highly sought-after complex, but I guess the Lord has His own plans, right?  I got word from my realtor last week that the orginal buyer walked away and they wanted to submit my offer.  To say I was excited was an understatement.  Although, I try not to get too excited because, just like in my love life (lol), the minute I get attached, shazaam!  It's gone.  For now, I'm hopeful and feeling like this is going to be my house.   Please, Lord, let this be my house. 


Lord, I thank you for loving me so much.  Even when certain areas of my life feel like unrepairable mush, there are still other things that I can continue to rejoice over.  You are way too good to me and I know that the blessings will always outway the heartbreaks, though they continue.   Continue to make me better in You.  You are all that matters. 

Answers...

I wish I could say that I always get answers to my questions, but this is reality.  Sometimes we don't get to know.  Then sometimes we get answers, but they aren't exactly the answers we wanted. 

Today I got an answer.  It wasn't something I would have wanted, but it was necessary...

Let me backtrack.  As I mentioned in my first post of the year, things went in a not-so-good direction with the special person in my life.  It's been about a month since we last communicated and I was doing well with not being upset and letting it get to me.  I was trying to move on and focus on what matters... God's plan for my life. 

I shared what was going on with people around me and started getting the same reaction from a few people:  "He's going to realize the mistake he's made and come back."   To me that sounded far-fetched, but then again,  I believe in a God who can do things like that.  So I guess I started allowing myself to hope because afterall, "hope comes from the Lord."  There is nothing really wrong with hoping, but the problem is that for me to hope opens the door for me to become consumed with something that may not even happen. 

On top of this smidgen of hope, I've also felt that the Lord is calling me to pray for this man.  There have even been times where I tried to "forget" to pray for him and then the Lord sort of says, "hey... you forgot someone."  I don't mind praying for my "friend," but it's hard to forget someone when you have to think of him at least once a day in prayer. 

Anyway, all this to say that I've had a hard time letting go and moving on because this guy is in my thoughts, and even my dreams, all the time.

Well, this morning, I broke down and asked the Lord to help me move on.  Whether or not this man will ever be a part of my life, right now, in this moment of my life, I need to forget him and move on.  I cried out to God to help me to forget and move on, even if I'm still called to pray for him.

God was listening.

A few hours later, I'm at my desk and my friend (who happens to sit in the cubicle right next to him) texts me to see how I'm doing.  I confess to her that I've had Mr. Man on my mind constantly and its been driving me crazy.  She first started telling me that she doesn't like him anymore and that he was wrong for not being genuine with me after I laid out all my feelings.  I knew she was going somewhere with this and asked her to tell me what's up.  That's when she told me that he announced at work that he had gone on a date Saturday night.

Wham!  How's that for a reason to move on and let go?  lol.

It stung, but by God's grace it didn't devastate me.   I told her that he has every right to date and that I was glad she told me.  She, like a good friend, reinforced how disappointed in him she is.  I appreciated it, but I told her that I still am not angry with him.  (For the record, despite those baby hopes that someday God would fix everything and we would be together [which He could still do if He wanted to], I truly forgave him a while ago and have wanted at the very least to reconcile our friendship.) 

I left it alone, but then something dawned on me at lunch.  I had asked God this very morning to help me move on and through that text conversation with my dear friend, He answered my prayers.  He is showing me that I do indeed need to move on. 

So now not only have I had the clear and straighforward messages from God that I need to trust Him and wait on Him, but He has also made it clear that I need to move on and move forward.

I hear you, Lord.  You are coming in loud and clear.  I am listening.  Please help me now to obey...

As for my friend, Lord, be with him.  Keep Your hands on him and continue to bless him.  Draw him close to You and fix his eyes upon You.  Reveal your plan for him and show him that You are all that matters.  Lord, convict his heart of those things that hinder his relationship with You.  Refine both of us.  Sift us Lord.  Make us both better in you. 

You know why this has happened the way it has and I trust that You will never do anything to harm me.  Everything You allow to happen is for our good and Your glory.  Thank you, Lord.   "You give and take away... my heart will choose to say, 'Lord, Blessed be Your Name.'"

#AdultProblems

So the year is still off to a bumpy start. I got kicked out by my sister on Tuesday.

What?! I know… I’m not the type who gets kicked out of anywhere.

My sister Katie and I have the best relationship out of the three sisters, but that doesn’t mean it’s perfect. For the last nearly 2 years I’ve been living with her and her best friend in a mobile home that belonged to my mother. Very recently, my Mom signed the house over to my sister because where we live the owner has to live in the house, and frankly Katie was the only one of us who would gladly take that dump. LOL.

The entire time I’ve lived there has been full of on-and-off tension. People are people and they will get on each other’s nerves from time to time. Nothing abnormal. Yeah, well, I think things are worse when you live with family. People take liberties with their own family that they wouldn’t take with other people. Liberties in this case include using my face wash, expensive hair products, body washes, and (WORST OF ALL IN MY BOOK) makeup… among other things.

I am not any more selfish than your average nice person, but I have a problem with someone using my stuff without asking, on the down-low, and knowing they are not going to replace it. Not only has my sister taken liberties with my things, but she has also depended way too much on her best friend and I to keep the house clean, make sure the water jugs are full, fold her laundry, attend to house issues/emergencies, all the while reminding us just how much it is HER house.

There is only so much a person can take… especially when we know that we are doing my sister a big favor by helping her with rent to begin with.

Well, yesterday she got upset with me because I told her I didn’t want to share my make-up with her. Her reaction was to say that she didn’t like sharing her house. To which I replied that I don’t NEED to be there. Then she stormed off.

Later on that morning, I get an email apologizing about her attitude toward me and blaming it on lack of sleep due to the deaf guy living in the house now who snores like a Rhino and how she feels uncomfortable and put out in her own home. (You brought the guy here, dude. Really?)

At that point, I decided I would just lay all my frustrations out and call her out on her crap. I did. She of course got defensive, by saying she wasn’t getting defensive and then proceeding to list all the bad things I supposedly do to make her upset, including not depositing my own rent check or folding her laundry. Yes, she really did. LOL. She also, as usual, blamed her lack of pulling her own weight on the fact that she works AND goes to school and doesn’t make as much money as we do.

I came back and basically told her enough was enough with the excuses. It is not our fault that she doesn’t make as much money, goes to school, and has debt. It’s time to stop acting like everyone is obligated to help her because in the real world, renters would never be asked to deposit their own rent checks, maintain the rented property, fold their landlord’s laundry, etc. I told her that it’s time to grow up and stop depending on others.

This is where things turned….

She then called me to tell me that I was right about her needing to grow up and that’s why I needed to leave/see if I could stay with my parents, so that she could start being more independent. (Except, she still has two other people in her house helping to pay rent, so yeah…) I told her that was fine (I could see what she was doing here). Then I told her that I had no where to take my stuff. She then turned petty on me and told me that I needed to be an adult and put it in storage (even though there will be an empty, un-used room in the house once I’m gone). I saw what her smart-butt was doing, so all I said was “okay.” I’m a big girl and I CAN handle my own business.

Ultimately, I’m not too upset about the situation. I was so fed-up and ready to go anyway. I was at my breaking point, which was why I laid out my frustrations to begin with. The good news is that I do have somewhere to go while I search for my house.

Yes, you read that correctly. My house. I am back on the Condo search, and it couldn’t have worked out more perfectly. My parents will not charge me rent, which will allow me to put even MORE money into savings while I wait through the process. The drive to work is gonna be no fun, but it will only be for a little while.

Before you think my sister are never going to speak again, I did end up telling her last night that I wasn’t upset and that I think this is probably best for all of us. I just truly pray that my sister starts to really reflect on herself and truly grow up and change. I don’t want her to depend on other people. I want her to spread her wings and fly on her own (as corny as that sounds), like I had to do. She will be better off for it… I know I am. 

It's a new year. Let's make it a good one...

"A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all..." Psalm 34:19


I've been missing in action, blog.  Sorry.  A lot has happened.   Actually, things took a turn only hours after my last blog post was published.  Long story, but the gist is that the special person in my life is no more. 

Things were awkward and very much up in the air.  I was confused and sad.  I finally asked him if something had changed.  No answer.  3 weeks later, still no answer.  

They say that sometimes no answer IS your answer, but I think part of me knew that I wouldn't get an aswer even though he is otherwise a good and honorable man.  Let's be real though, it doesn't matter what kind of man he is, a man is a man and all men are afraid of what they perceive as an emotional outburst waiting to happen.  Too bad he didn't give me the opportunity to show him that I could be understanding. 

*sigh*

Anyway, I was depressed and hurt for about a week and then I pulled myself together.  I'm much better now and moving on.  What helps is that I know I really tried to handle things in the best way possible with this man and I don't feel that I did anything wrong in this situation.  This is the first time I feel that it's more about his issues than my own.  Not that I'm blaming anyone, but this is the first time I've dated a man where I was not insecure or waiting for him to figure out that he was too good for me.  lol.  (That is hilarious when I go back and read it, but true.)   This was the first time that I felt like myself with a man and that we were a good match for each other.

So, yeah, I don't think it was about me this time....

Well, reflecting back on all this, I can see that the Lord is telling me to just keep waiting patiently on Him.  I also feel like He's showing me that He had me on a specific path, including purchasing my own home, and I let it get sidetracked because I was wrapped up in hoping that this man was the one. 

So now, I'm re-focusing my efforts on getting back on the plan that I was originally focusing on.  My love life is on the backburner and I'm kinda okay with that.  It exhausted me and I don't even want to bother with it right now, which is amusing since there are a few options out there.  Sorry guys.  lol.

I guess the take-away from all this is:
1. I need to trust in the Lord completely and focus on Him; He's all that matters.
2. Stick to the plan!
3. Despite what happened with this man, I've learned that I can be myself and someone will like me just the way I am. 
4. There are good men out there that Love the Lord, I just need to let Him bring me the right one.
5. Even when bad things like this happen, I can still look back and see all the amazing things too.  2011 was NOT a bust.  It was more amazing than sad.  I can rejoice in the Lord over it.  =)

Lord, please keep me focused on you.  You are everything and I am nothing.  Thank you for getting me through this hard time and for restoring my peace and joy so quickly.  Your power is made perfect in my weakness.  I love you, Lord.  Please bless this new year even more than you did the last.  In Jesus' name, amen!