Fragmented...

Things feel strained lately.

Sometimes I'm not sure if people are still my friends. Not in the way that you think. No one has done anything shady to me to make me question whether they are true friends. No. It's more that I feel like people don't want to be my friend.

I've always struggled to maintain friendships with people my whole life. I think its partly because of whom I was choosing as a friend and partly just me and who I am. I know that I can be a difficult person to be friends with sometimes. I'm extremely opinionated and I tend to have high expectations of people. I know it's not a good thing and I'm truly working on it and have even come a long way, but every once in a while those monsters come out. I am very blunt also. Although I'm really working on that too, when my emotions get the best of me, I am a little too honest and it clearly can bother people.

Lately, I feel like everything I say bothers people. I also notice that I'm reverting back to being overly sensitive.

I think the enemy doesn't like that I'm trying to live my life for the Lord and he's stepping up his game.

I keep feeling paranoid that people are talking about me behind my back or that when I don't hear back from someone right away (whether by text message, phone call, or email) that they MUST be mad at me.

I really don't like to live like this. I would rather not give a crap who wants to be my friend and who doesn't, but the fact is I do. Probably because I haven't been able to keep friends around long-term and I just want to find a group of people who love me for me... no matter what.

The only one, aside from God, that I never have to worry will turn on me is Mandy. She's really been my only long-term friendship and she definitely loves me for me. The funny thing is that of all my friends she is least likely to have a relationship with God. That seems funny to me.

I would like to have at least one believing friend who I don't manage to push away. Even my believing friends seem to be growing tired of me.

Wait. Is that reality or is that the paranoia/insecurity talking?

See, it's neverending....