When it feels like the whole world hates me...

I try to remember that the Lord still loves me. It's hard though when it seems like you are always upsetting, offending, and/or unintentionally pushing people away.

I had a rough weekend. I've had a rough last couple of weeks actually. I keep going through--and putting myself in--situations where I am not sure whether a friendship will last. The Devil is having a field day with me right now.

A few weeks ago, I couldn't find Diana. We were supposed to hang out one night and when the day arrived I didn't hear from her and I couldn't get a hold of her. For some reason, I allowed myself to freak out about it; partly, because she has health problems and I previously had a vision (from God? from the enemy? ??) of being at her funeral. So, I totally jumped to conclusions that something wasn't right.

Well, after tracking her down at church, I found out that she had lost her phone and it was no big deal. Everything should have been okay after that, right? No. I then proceeded to start getting paranoid that she was somehow angry with me for worrying about her (makes no sense, right?). So I sat here suffering wondering if I had lost my friend until I finally went looking for her at Church. Everything was fine and now I know it was stupid. *long sigh*

Yay! Everything is back to normal. NOT!

This last weekend Liz and I were supposed to go to a Quinceanera. On Friday I was not having a great day. I was running around trying to find stuff I needed for the party and couldn't find anything. I was frustrated. Well, Liz calls me up as I'm at Target to tell me she's not feeling well and may not go to the party. Already being irritated, the prospect of not going after all didn't help because I REALLY wanted to go to this party. Liz then proposes that we skip the Mass and just go to the party, depending on how she feels.

What is my response? Instead of just saying "okay. That sounds good to me," I stick my foot in my mouth and say something that I later realized was totally AWFUL and offensive. I was like, "Well, you know what, I hate Mass anyway, so that's fine with me." Then I went on to further shove my foot in my mouth by explaining all the reasons why I don't like it (too long, people stare at me like I'm going to hell because I don't know the prayers and don't kneel down to pray with everyone). Don't ask me why I allowed all this stupidity to come flowing out of my mouth. I don't know what I was thinking.

So I hang up with her not really sensing that she's upset or anything and thinking everything is fine. I walk out of Target and immediately the Lord starts convicting my heart. I literally could feel Him telling me, "why don't you review what you just said to your friend right now." I immediately replay the conversation in my head and realize that what I said was so out-of-line and offensive. I know that if someone were to tell me something like that I would be a little offended myself. He then instructs me to apologize.

First I apologized to Him because most of all He is the one I have offended. Then I sent a text message to Liz telling her that I really didn't mean any offense and that don't really HATE Mass; I am just not used to it and I'm so sorry for what I said. She didn't respond and I though that she knows I'm a dummy sometimes and probably didn't take it the wrong way. So I move on, still feeling guilty and ashamed of myself, but a little relieved that she doesn't seem to be holding it against me.

Wrong!

The next day I text her because it turns out I can't go to the Quince (yeah, not only did I offend her, but I ended up being the flake). She then responsds. I'm thinking it's a reply to me not attending the Quince. Nope. She tells me that 1) it's not the first time I've said something offensive about the Catholic church and 2) she doesn't know how to respond to the comment nor the apology. Ouch. I've really done it now.....

(Continued next time.)