Man have I been going through a rough time. Who do I tend to turn to when life is not on my side? My sisters. Especially Katie. She may be the youngest, but she sure has a lot of insight about a lot of things and seems to be the most level-headed of us all, which makes her one of the best people to get advice from and to tell you the truth when you needed the most. She has done this for me a lot.
But there is another side to the coin...
I've had a lot of crying and venting to do in the last 2 weeks. Katie has been there for me and given me a lot of good advice. The problem is that days later she will literally make fun of how I was crying about this or how I was venting about that. Not only is it hurtful to me, but it's also embarassing and discouraging.
I so desperately want to show the world that I'm not the same person I used to be--a person who was overly sensitive, emotionally damaged, and prone to self-pity and depression. I have improved and grown so much (by the grace and love of God), but that doesn't mean that when I'm going through a rough patch that I'm not going to be emotional and sad. I am still a human being.
I feel like I'm getting nowhere, however, when I go to my sister for advice, comfort, venting, etc., and she turns around and mocks me in public and makes me seem like the insanely, overdramatic person that I used to be. That is not helping me to show the world that I've changed.
It is so hurtful and frustrating for me. It makes me feel like I don't really want to share these things with my sister anymore, even if it means losing that great insight and advice. It's not worth feeling embarrased and like crap when a couple of days (or even hours) later she is making fun of my emotions to the first person she sees or a group of people. =(
I guess in the end I already know the solution: Turn to the Lord. He will NEVER mock me or make me feel like I'm overreacting or being too emotional. He doesn't role His eyes as if to say, "here we go again." He just holds me in His arms and reminds me that He's there for me. He won't share my "business" with the world and make me look like a fool... Even if I was crying way more than I maybe needed to at the end of Marley & Me....
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Kablooie! Part 2
Okay, so back to the story. (Sorry, I'm at work and I had to go to lunch.)
So, like I said, a calmness came over me and I was okay. In fact, I felt a sense of relief. No, it wasn't the reaction I wanted from him, but at least I didn't have to sit there and rack my brain worrying about whether he really liked me or not. It was an answer. So, that same night, despite the fact that I'm still pretty sick, I go to Bible study so that I can talk to Diana about it... plus, I need the Lord big time at that moment. I'm thinking she knows since they work together. Nope--she's downright shocked when I break the news to her.
CONFUSING!
She tells me that she can't believe it because he was so excited about going hiking and he really likes me and yada yada yada. She tells me that he had come up to her at work wanting to talk to her about something, but she was taking a call and told him she would go find him later. We both come to the conclusion that he probably wanted to talk to her about what was going on between him and me.
Of course, after a while I start crying. I tell her that I'm not crying because he wants to be friends--I'm crying because he just didn't give me the chance to show him that I could open up and relate to him. He just gave up on me. Plus, I couldn't understand why me being worried about him would set him off like that. We were both pretty darn confused. She started getting into how he would light up talking about me and how he had prayed for a girl like me. The only issue he had was that I wasn't opening up enough, but, again, he didn't give me the chance to remedy that. We both also came to the conclusion that maybe for some crazy reason he thought that I was rejecting him, so to protect his own heart he just started shutting me out before I could do it to him.... ?????
I finally just told her that I was over it and basically said that I want to move on, but she kept essentially asking me to hold on to hope. She wanted to talk to him first. I didn't have the heart to tell her that part of me really doesn't want to hold onto hope because all it does is play with my emotion and my heart and I don't know how much more I can take. The other part of me does want to hope that at least he'll let me be his friend and then be able to see the real me and fall in love with that. I'm not holding my breath though.
As of Sunday, she still had not spoken to him, and as of today I still have not heard from her. In one way I can't want to hear what she has to say about their conversation, but in another I am terrified that the news is gonna just get worse (he doesn't even want to be friends; there's some other chick; etc...). I can't take this crap!
I hate dating!!!!!!!!!
Lord, I know you have a plan for my life and that if Henry isn't the one it's because someone 10 times better is about to come along, but this still sucks! And so close to Valentine's Day!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!
So, like I said, a calmness came over me and I was okay. In fact, I felt a sense of relief. No, it wasn't the reaction I wanted from him, but at least I didn't have to sit there and rack my brain worrying about whether he really liked me or not. It was an answer. So, that same night, despite the fact that I'm still pretty sick, I go to Bible study so that I can talk to Diana about it... plus, I need the Lord big time at that moment. I'm thinking she knows since they work together. Nope--she's downright shocked when I break the news to her.
CONFUSING!
She tells me that she can't believe it because he was so excited about going hiking and he really likes me and yada yada yada. She tells me that he had come up to her at work wanting to talk to her about something, but she was taking a call and told him she would go find him later. We both come to the conclusion that he probably wanted to talk to her about what was going on between him and me.
Of course, after a while I start crying. I tell her that I'm not crying because he wants to be friends--I'm crying because he just didn't give me the chance to show him that I could open up and relate to him. He just gave up on me. Plus, I couldn't understand why me being worried about him would set him off like that. We were both pretty darn confused. She started getting into how he would light up talking about me and how he had prayed for a girl like me. The only issue he had was that I wasn't opening up enough, but, again, he didn't give me the chance to remedy that. We both also came to the conclusion that maybe for some crazy reason he thought that I was rejecting him, so to protect his own heart he just started shutting me out before I could do it to him.... ?????
I finally just told her that I was over it and basically said that I want to move on, but she kept essentially asking me to hold on to hope. She wanted to talk to him first. I didn't have the heart to tell her that part of me really doesn't want to hold onto hope because all it does is play with my emotion and my heart and I don't know how much more I can take. The other part of me does want to hope that at least he'll let me be his friend and then be able to see the real me and fall in love with that. I'm not holding my breath though.
As of Sunday, she still had not spoken to him, and as of today I still have not heard from her. In one way I can't want to hear what she has to say about their conversation, but in another I am terrified that the news is gonna just get worse (he doesn't even want to be friends; there's some other chick; etc...). I can't take this crap!
I hate dating!!!!!!!!!
Lord, I know you have a plan for my life and that if Henry isn't the one it's because someone 10 times better is about to come along, but this still sucks! And so close to Valentine's Day!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!
Kablooie!
This has been one of the worst couple of weeks ever.
I woke up last Monday with a chest that felt like it was on fire. Went to work. Started coughing. Went home. Took a nap. Woke up worse. Ended up being out the entire week with what I think was walking pneumonia, but which was diagnosed as an upper respiratory infection. Yay. I still have a cough, but thankfully it's not nearly as bad. Some days I was waking up feeling like someone jump kicked me in the chest. lol.
Then I got a little gem half-way through the week.
I hadn't heard from Henry at all since he cancelled on hiking. I was planning to let it go and let him contact me if he was still interested, but then (like the impatient genius that I am) decided that maybe he might think I was mad at him and was waiting for me to contact him. So I sent him a text message basically asking him if he was still alive. He doesn't answe me back to the following day. By that time I was a little miffed that he keeps not answering me back and because my emotions are getting toyed with, however unintentionally. My sister advises me to be honest with him, so in reply to his asking how I've been I tell him that I honestly had been worried about him since I didn't hear from him for a few days. Then I threw in a little joke about not wanting to take it personally...
Well, apparently, he didn't think that was funny. I get a reply from him that is so short and dismissive. It said something like, "Well I've been busy with my family, but I'm doing great. Nice talking to you. Take care."
I literally started tearing up on that one, but had to pull it together. Then I sent him something like this, "Hey, it's okay. I know you've been busy with your family. I was just worried. Sorry. You know, I really like you, but I feel like maybe you don't feel the same way or somewhere along the line you stopped feeling that way. I told you already that I'm okay with just being friends. You can be honest with me."
What was his reply? "I appreciate your honestly. I c u as a friend. We can still be friends and keep in touch."
WOW! I couldn't even stop the waterworks at that point, but thankfully they only last a few minutes before the Lord put a calm and peace over my heart about it. Okay. I was fine with him just wanting to be friends, but I wasn't fine with the idea that I he just never gave me a chance to show him that I could be what he wanted. Plus, wow, what a way to let me know, man. It was just confusing because he had been telling Diana about how "great" he supposedly thought I was only a few days earlier. How could me being worried about you not contacting me make you snap like that and decide that you don't want anything to do with me romantically. I was and am still floored....
TO BE CONTINUED...
I woke up last Monday with a chest that felt like it was on fire. Went to work. Started coughing. Went home. Took a nap. Woke up worse. Ended up being out the entire week with what I think was walking pneumonia, but which was diagnosed as an upper respiratory infection. Yay. I still have a cough, but thankfully it's not nearly as bad. Some days I was waking up feeling like someone jump kicked me in the chest. lol.
Then I got a little gem half-way through the week.
I hadn't heard from Henry at all since he cancelled on hiking. I was planning to let it go and let him contact me if he was still interested, but then (like the impatient genius that I am) decided that maybe he might think I was mad at him and was waiting for me to contact him. So I sent him a text message basically asking him if he was still alive. He doesn't answe me back to the following day. By that time I was a little miffed that he keeps not answering me back and because my emotions are getting toyed with, however unintentionally. My sister advises me to be honest with him, so in reply to his asking how I've been I tell him that I honestly had been worried about him since I didn't hear from him for a few days. Then I threw in a little joke about not wanting to take it personally...
Well, apparently, he didn't think that was funny. I get a reply from him that is so short and dismissive. It said something like, "Well I've been busy with my family, but I'm doing great. Nice talking to you. Take care."
I literally started tearing up on that one, but had to pull it together. Then I sent him something like this, "Hey, it's okay. I know you've been busy with your family. I was just worried. Sorry. You know, I really like you, but I feel like maybe you don't feel the same way or somewhere along the line you stopped feeling that way. I told you already that I'm okay with just being friends. You can be honest with me."
What was his reply? "I appreciate your honestly. I c u as a friend. We can still be friends and keep in touch."
WOW! I couldn't even stop the waterworks at that point, but thankfully they only last a few minutes before the Lord put a calm and peace over my heart about it. Okay. I was fine with him just wanting to be friends, but I wasn't fine with the idea that I he just never gave me a chance to show him that I could be what he wanted. Plus, wow, what a way to let me know, man. It was just confusing because he had been telling Diana about how "great" he supposedly thought I was only a few days earlier. How could me being worried about you not contacting me make you snap like that and decide that you don't want anything to do with me romantically. I was and am still floored....
TO BE CONTINUED...
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Happy New Year?
Goodness, it's been awhile since I blogged.
Since the last time I did, Obama was voted in as our next president. Yay. (I'm totally rolling my eyes right now.) There was no big surprise there. In fact, he practically won in a landslide. All I can say is this country is full of blind, following, fools.
Also, since last I blogged, I was introduced to a guy by one of the ladies in my Bible study, Diana. His name is Henry and he turned out to be pretty much everything I've ever asked for: tall, handsome, Mexican, and best of all a believer. Things were going great. We were hanging out every weekend, I went to his church, and freakishly he actually liked me too. What's the problem then? Wish I knew.
Things were going extremely slow... he didn't even hold my hand. I knew he liked me though because guys don't text you practically everyday and want to hang out all the time if they are not interested. So things were going good--slow, but good. But then I started worrying a little when I thought he would invite me to spend New Year's eve with him, but he didn't. That really surprised me and made me doubt myself. I asked Diana to pray for us because I was unsure. Turns out he was unsure too. I wasn't "opening up enough." I'm shy, man! lol I admitted that I was holding back a little because honestly, I've never been past 2 dates with a person that I didn't know. I was in uncharted territory.
So, I decided I would do the work and be myself more. We made plans, and at the last minute he cancelled. We made plans again and at the last minute he cancelled again. Now I haven't heard from him in almost a week. He's never flaked on me or not communicated with me before. Everyone, including Diana, is telling me to hang in there and not give up on him, but I just get the sense that this isn't going to happen, which really sucks because I truly like this guy. I know guys can act weird and don't think the way females do, but I can't help feeling like he just gave up on me. I have no control over that, but it still sucks.
For now I'm trying to put my trust in the Lord, who has created a perfect work in me and will finish it. My consolation right now is that I know that the Lord knows the desires of my heart (in this case to be married and have children) and He wants to give me them. I just need to trust in Him and His perfect timing. Whether Henry is included in that or not, I really don't know yet, but I do know that the Lord has someone for me... I just need to be patient. For now, I have been motivated to get involved more at church and maybe the man God has for me will come out of the woodwork...
Since the last time I did, Obama was voted in as our next president. Yay. (I'm totally rolling my eyes right now.) There was no big surprise there. In fact, he practically won in a landslide. All I can say is this country is full of blind, following, fools.
Also, since last I blogged, I was introduced to a guy by one of the ladies in my Bible study, Diana. His name is Henry and he turned out to be pretty much everything I've ever asked for: tall, handsome, Mexican, and best of all a believer. Things were going great. We were hanging out every weekend, I went to his church, and freakishly he actually liked me too. What's the problem then? Wish I knew.
Things were going extremely slow... he didn't even hold my hand. I knew he liked me though because guys don't text you practically everyday and want to hang out all the time if they are not interested. So things were going good--slow, but good. But then I started worrying a little when I thought he would invite me to spend New Year's eve with him, but he didn't. That really surprised me and made me doubt myself. I asked Diana to pray for us because I was unsure. Turns out he was unsure too. I wasn't "opening up enough." I'm shy, man! lol I admitted that I was holding back a little because honestly, I've never been past 2 dates with a person that I didn't know. I was in uncharted territory.
So, I decided I would do the work and be myself more. We made plans, and at the last minute he cancelled. We made plans again and at the last minute he cancelled again. Now I haven't heard from him in almost a week. He's never flaked on me or not communicated with me before. Everyone, including Diana, is telling me to hang in there and not give up on him, but I just get the sense that this isn't going to happen, which really sucks because I truly like this guy. I know guys can act weird and don't think the way females do, but I can't help feeling like he just gave up on me. I have no control over that, but it still sucks.
For now I'm trying to put my trust in the Lord, who has created a perfect work in me and will finish it. My consolation right now is that I know that the Lord knows the desires of my heart (in this case to be married and have children) and He wants to give me them. I just need to trust in Him and His perfect timing. Whether Henry is included in that or not, I really don't know yet, but I do know that the Lord has someone for me... I just need to be patient. For now, I have been motivated to get involved more at church and maybe the man God has for me will come out of the woodwork...
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Introducing Alexis Lynn Joller
My niece is finally here. She was born on November 25, 2008, at 5:30 a.m. after a looong labor and two days before Thanksgiving. She was 8 lbs., 3 oz. and 21 inches long. =)
We are so happy to finally see this kid and she was worth the wait. She is such a cutie. Thank goodness she seems to have gotten the best of both of her parents. lol.
Now, hopefully, we are in for some big changes to my sister. I'm praying that she gains patience and understanding--that she becomes selfless and learns to put others before herself. Being a mother is supposed to change you in these ways. I hope this happens for Kim. It could only make her a better person.
God bless you, baby Alexis!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
What's scarier than Freddie, Chucky, and Jason this Halloween?
The idea that a pro-baby-killing, gay-marriage-supporting, socialist, Marxist, wealth-spreader, who purports to be a Christian, named Barack Obama may be voted our next president next Tuesday.
What's even scarier than that?
The fact that people are literally calling him the Messiah. Wow, people. I know who the Messiah is and his name is not Barack... it's Jesus Christ. Get it right.
I'm sure there are many believers who are wondering if this guy will turn out to be the Antichrist. Now I don't want to say for sure that Barack Obama is the Antichrist, despite the fact that the Antichrist was described as being a man who will woo all the people--around the world--and will be a charismatic man who comes with a message of hope and peace (sound familiar?) who will solve all the world's problems. However, I will venture to say that if he's not the Antichrist, he is paving the way for the man who will be the Antichrist. How? By the fact that he is showing the People's current capability to blindly follow the first fool who comes along promising one thing that can't happen in this fallen world, at least until Christ returns: Peace.
Get it together, people. How can a man who has no experience in an administrative capacity and who has questionable connections, not be questioned by anyone? The Devil sure has pulled the wool over the eyes of so many! I can't believe it, but then I can. These things have been foretold.
I guess it shouldn't be scary afterall, if you are a believer. These are just the signs that our Lord is coming for us real soon. In that we should lift our voices to heaven and rejoice!
What's even scarier than that?
The fact that people are literally calling him the Messiah. Wow, people. I know who the Messiah is and his name is not Barack... it's Jesus Christ. Get it right.
I'm sure there are many believers who are wondering if this guy will turn out to be the Antichrist. Now I don't want to say for sure that Barack Obama is the Antichrist, despite the fact that the Antichrist was described as being a man who will woo all the people--around the world--and will be a charismatic man who comes with a message of hope and peace (sound familiar?) who will solve all the world's problems. However, I will venture to say that if he's not the Antichrist, he is paving the way for the man who will be the Antichrist. How? By the fact that he is showing the People's current capability to blindly follow the first fool who comes along promising one thing that can't happen in this fallen world, at least until Christ returns: Peace.
Get it together, people. How can a man who has no experience in an administrative capacity and who has questionable connections, not be questioned by anyone? The Devil sure has pulled the wool over the eyes of so many! I can't believe it, but then I can. These things have been foretold.
I guess it shouldn't be scary afterall, if you are a believer. These are just the signs that our Lord is coming for us real soon. In that we should lift our voices to heaven and rejoice!
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
World of Chaos
Man, some stuff has been going down lately.
First, we are in the middle of one heated battle for the presidency. Obama vs. McCain. I for one will NOT be voting for the "messiah," Obama. Never! I am a Christian, Conservative, American woman... in that order. My relationship with God comes FIRST. That relationship dictates my morals and values, which in turn dictate who I will vote for. According to the word of God, homosexuality is a sin, as is the murder of an innocent person (in this case a baby). Those are the deal-breakers for me.
Obama is all the way for same-sex marriage/re-defining marriage and he is for abortion and partial-birth/late-term aborition (he's totally in bed with Planned Parenthood). For those reason, I cannot and I WILL NOT vote for him. On top of those gems, he is also just generally a liar. He has flat out said one thing at certain points and then turned around and flat out denied saying those things at another point (listen to the abundance of soundbites out there proving this). He also has associated himself with horrible people: Ayers, Jeremiah Write, Talbot... just to name a few. The man is not trustworthy in any sense of the word.
McCain/Palin 2008!
The other big thing that is going on--or you could say was going on--are the fires in the San Fernando Valley. One of which was in Lake View Terrace (not the same as the movie... lol), which is where I grew up and where my mother and sister currently still live.
It was a scary situation for a while there, but currently the fire there is 80% contained. Praise the Lord. My family was literally packed up and waiting for the evacuation order. Thankfully, it never came. I do know some people who were evacuationed, but thankfully they too are okay and did not lose their homes.
Fires are still raging in Porter Ranch (where my Valley church, Shepherd of the Hills, is located) and other parts of California, but it seems that damage hasn't been TOO bad. Hopefully, everything will be under control soon.
Pray for those who have lost homes or lives.
Lord, thank you for Your mercy and Your hand on all situations. Please keep Your hand of protection over this country and these elections. Your will be done. Amen.
First, we are in the middle of one heated battle for the presidency. Obama vs. McCain. I for one will NOT be voting for the "messiah," Obama. Never! I am a Christian, Conservative, American woman... in that order. My relationship with God comes FIRST. That relationship dictates my morals and values, which in turn dictate who I will vote for. According to the word of God, homosexuality is a sin, as is the murder of an innocent person (in this case a baby). Those are the deal-breakers for me.
Obama is all the way for same-sex marriage/re-defining marriage and he is for abortion and partial-birth/late-term aborition (he's totally in bed with Planned Parenthood). For those reason, I cannot and I WILL NOT vote for him. On top of those gems, he is also just generally a liar. He has flat out said one thing at certain points and then turned around and flat out denied saying those things at another point (listen to the abundance of soundbites out there proving this). He also has associated himself with horrible people: Ayers, Jeremiah Write, Talbot... just to name a few. The man is not trustworthy in any sense of the word.
McCain/Palin 2008!
The other big thing that is going on--or you could say was going on--are the fires in the San Fernando Valley. One of which was in Lake View Terrace (not the same as the movie... lol), which is where I grew up and where my mother and sister currently still live.
It was a scary situation for a while there, but currently the fire there is 80% contained. Praise the Lord. My family was literally packed up and waiting for the evacuation order. Thankfully, it never came. I do know some people who were evacuationed, but thankfully they too are okay and did not lose their homes.
Fires are still raging in Porter Ranch (where my Valley church, Shepherd of the Hills, is located) and other parts of California, but it seems that damage hasn't been TOO bad. Hopefully, everything will be under control soon.
Pray for those who have lost homes or lives.
Lord, thank you for Your mercy and Your hand on all situations. Please keep Your hand of protection over this country and these elections. Your will be done. Amen.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Hello there...
Yeah, it's been a while since I've blogged. My bad. I've been so busy. Literally every weekend of this summer has been booked solid for me. More things are in the works too. I thought my season of being busy would end by early September, but no.
Let's see... What have I been up to?
In August I had:
Next up in October will be Baby K's 1st birthday (YAY!), Katie and Tirsa's Birthday Extravaganza at Disneyland, and Kim's baby shower (which, of course, I am planning). Not to mention Halloween. Don't even know what the plan is for that yet.
I'm telling you my plate is full. On top of all that, I have two different prospects in my love life. I won't get into details because I don't want to mess anything up. We'll see what happens. I'll check in on that once something is more solid. =)
So, yeah. Can you see now why I haven't been able to write? LOL. I'll elaborate more on some of the above stuff later....
Let's see... What have I been up to?
In August I had:
- The family reunion
- A Dodgers game
- Mom's Surprise B-day dinner
- Mandy's B-day
- A back injury
- Travelled to Denver with Mom
- Had a couple of Sec IV interviews that I'm still waiting to hear back about
- Saw Alexis (Kim's baby) via a 3-D ultrasound
- Gone to Victor's 2nd Birthday party
Next up in October will be Baby K's 1st birthday (YAY!), Katie and Tirsa's Birthday Extravaganza at Disneyland, and Kim's baby shower (which, of course, I am planning). Not to mention Halloween. Don't even know what the plan is for that yet.
I'm telling you my plate is full. On top of all that, I have two different prospects in my love life. I won't get into details because I don't want to mess anything up. We'll see what happens. I'll check in on that once something is more solid. =)
So, yeah. Can you see now why I haven't been able to write? LOL. I'll elaborate more on some of the above stuff later....
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