Get over it...

One thing I love and hate about how God made me is that I'm a big-time feeler.  It's good because I am able to feel empathy and sympathy on deep levels.  It's bad because it's hard for me to get past stuff.  I tend to hurt a lot longer than others.

I am having a difficult time getting through this breakup.  It's driving me crazy.  If it were up to me, I would just shut all the feelings off like a light switch, but I don't work that way.  For me it always takes time.

The old me was ok with taking all the time I needed.  A sick part of me relished in the misery of it all, but that is not me anymore.  I hate it.  I HATE IT! 

What's worse is I want to talk about it all the time.  I know it doesn't help.  I know people are probably over it already, but it's hard not to talk about something that is always in your thoughts.  Get out of my thoughts!

I'm sure God doesn't appreciate it either. The only one who should be in my thoughts at all times is Jesus and His Word.  Period.  The whole point of the breakup was to fix our eyes back on Jesus.  I don't know about the Ex, but I sure am battling between Jesus and the situation.  I'm tired of this whole scenario!

I seriously want to punch myself in the face...

Lord, help me.  I got out of the boat like You asked, now help me to fix my gaze on You so I can walk on water.

Mind my business...

We live in a society that values privacy.  I agree with that, to a certain degree.  As a Christian though, I think the more of my business my brothers and sisters know the better for me (within appropriate boundaries, of course).  It's called accountability. 

Before this last relationship, all I knew was dating in the world.  Dating in the world usually means little to no accountability.  We meet total strangers and try to get to know them based mostly on how they present themselves to us.  You may or may not get to meet their friends and family. Hopefully, they are genuine, but most of the time they are initially only putting their best foot forward and you have to take a chance that they are who they say they are.  If there is something sketchy about them, 9 times out of 10 the people they know aren't going to warn you about it for fear of appearing to meddle or be disloyal.

In the church it's a very different and I would say a lot better for everyone involved.  First off, you know you are dealing with people who love Jesus, for the most part (there are always those wolves in sheep's clothing, but they inevitably show their true colors or people warn you to be careful).  If you get involved at church you get to know people and they can usually vouch for your character to the other person and vice versa.  People usually do things in groups, so there's safety in numbers.  Everyone is looking out for you.

Even though it was hard to adjust to having so many people involved in my life, I definitely like and appreciate this system a lot better than the world's system.  It's for my benefit.  It's for everyone's benefit. 

However good the system though, it's flawed because it still involves imperfect human beings.

I recently found out that there were people who were worried about my relationship before we broke up.  They discussed it amongst themselves.  They talked about how we needed help.  Problem is they never talked about it with us.  They never confronted us with it.  They could have helped, or maybe not, but they didn't even try.

I don't necessarily think these people were intentionally gossiping because I believe there was genuine concern for us, but they didn't love us enough to correct us or come alongside us and point us in the right direction.  They did the worldly thing and stayed out of it.  They kind of let us down.

Before you think I'm mad, I'm not. I love my brothers and sisters and I know they love me.  I don't think they realized it would get to the point that it did.  I'm sure they figured we would get through it and grow.  I can't be mad at them because I don't know if I would have intervened either if I was in their shoes.  I fail too.  

So lesson learned I guess.  For them and for me... When you see someone heading in the wrong direction, tell them!  Don't talk to others about it and then stand back and hope the person gets help.  That's like watching a boat head straight for an iceberg and instead of warning the captain, you just stand back and say to the person next to you, "What a shame. Hope they notice before it's too late." 

There is no love in minding our business.  

2 Timothy 4:2

Preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching.

1 Thessalonians 5:14

And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.

Where He takes us...

Years ago, when I first lived In the Pomona valley and got plugged into my church, I would jokingly tell the rest of my family how much I wished they lived out here too. "It's so much better out here," I would say. 

They just laughed at me.   I totally understand why.  Back then it was an impossibility.  My parents were separated.  My sister Kim was married to my brother-in-law Mike and they had their own home in the Santa Clarita area, near his family. Katie just scoffed at the idea--her friends, school, work and life were all out in San Fernando.  It's not something I really thought would happen and it's not something they even wanted for themselves.

Well, God had His own agenda.  He is a God who likes to prove us wrong and knock our socks off doing it.

It all started with Him bringing my parents back together.  Then He gave me my own place out here. Then He took Mike home. Everything changed.

Now here we are.  Kim and her kids are purchasing a home in the area.  Katie is planning to come out next year when she graduates.  By this time next year my silly little dream of our whole family living in this area, together again, will be a reality.

It's crazy.  Never did I think things would turn out this way.  Never did I think my family would experience the things we've experienced.  

God's ways are not our ways and His thoughts really are above our thoughts.  He makes no sense, but man is He awesome.

Walking in Obedience...

One of the hardest things I've done is be in a relationship.  It was not easy.  Two selfish sinners trying to think of the needs of the other, honor God, not stumble each other, etc.  It really brings out who you really are and confronts you with it.

As hard as it was, harder still was walking away from it.  We love each other.  We wanted to be together, but God said no.

I told myself I would never date another "baby Christian."  He was different.  He was growing so quickly and God showed me things in him I had asked for.  I took a leap and let God lead.  Where I went wrong was that when Jesus and I were almost to our destination, I looked ahead at what was approaching and instead of letting Him continue to lead, I ran ahead to get there faster.  We (the Ex and I) both did.

What resulted was us rushing into a relationship before we were both fully equipped.  It was me never quite feeling right or at peace.  It was neither of us growing in our relationship with Christ.  It was him losing his desire to learn and grow in the knowledge of the word.  It was him not fellowshiping with his brothers and having accountability.  It was me becoming his mommy with the "you should be" and "why aren't you" statements and pleading with God to make him into the leader I needed him to be.  It was us arguing and disrespecting.  And then it became us trying to put a bandaid on a broken leg.

Finally, God told me what I needed to hear:  you have taken My place in his heart; get out of the way; mind your business; I need to work on you too.  I knew He was right and I obeyed.  It's killing me, but I'm obeying.  I did what God told me and I walked away.

Some say, "life is short.  If you love each other work it out together."  That's right.  Life IS short and I have wasted too much of mine being disobedient to God and paying harsher consequences than I needed to.  I learned, though.  Nothing in this world is worth disobeying God. Nothing. 

I don't know what the future holds.  He could grow into a mighty man of God and I will hopefully learn to have a better attitude, be more patient and grow into the godly woman God is calling me to be and then the Lord could bring us back together.  Or not.  As much as it hurts and will continue to hurt, I will never regret being obedient to God.  He is faithful.  He will honor my obedience...

If you think of me, say a little prayer for strength. :)

Unforgiving...

I've been reading through the Bible since the new year and I'm at Proverbs (I know... Barely lol).  So many awesome nuggets of truth in that book.  Solomon truly was wise.  

Anyway, the theme that jumped out to me this morning was about forgiveness toward one another.  Part of the reason it stood out so much is because there is someone in my life who has been unforgiving with me.  Worse, I don't even know what I did to insult her to begin with.  This person is new in The Lord and still in the learning process, but nevertheless it's been weighing on my heart so much because I love this person. 

I took a few of these verses and posted them to Instagram with a caption acknowledging how unforgiving and easily insulted I used to be before I yielded to God and let Him work in me to change these things.  Not gonna lie; I'm hoping she will see it.  Lol.  I'm praying God does a work in her heart to be less sensitive and more forgiving.  She reminds me so much of myself and I know it took God a good while to change me; not because He is incapable, but because I was stubborn.

Lord, help me to remember how far You have brought me.  Help me to choose forgiveness...

Oh hey!

Whoa.  It's been awhile blog.  How have you been?  Lol

Oh man, it HAS been awhile.  A long while.  So much has happened.  I almost forgot about you, but someone commented on a post yesterday and I thought I should drop a line to let you know I'm still alive and kicking.  

Usually, I give you a life recap, but that's just too much.  So here are the major bullet points:

- New nephew named Diego.  He's one year old.

- Brother-in-law, Mike, got sick and within 4 months he had gone on to be with The Lord.  Brain tumor. Cancer sucks.

- Transferred to a clinic closer to where I was looking for my home.  Been there a year next month.  It's different.

- Gave up on condo.  Decided to get an apartment.  God said, 'no way!'  He put me in a condo around the corner from church in less than 2 months. I'm officially a homeowner since February.

- Got into a real, live relationship.  First one ever at 31 years old.  By 32 it was done.  God said, "neither of you is ready." (We both have some growing to do.). It's been less than a month and it still hurts, but God is good and faithful.  

- Went on first missions trip to Mexicali.  Was attacked big time by the enemy, but still feel blessed by it.  Feeling there might be a calling there.  Praying about it.

- Just started Women's Bible Study at church.  It's on "the Characteristics of a Godly Woman."  Perfect.  Excited to see what God does.

Well, blog.  You are caught up.  Let's not be strangers, huh?  ;)

Surrender already!

This post from Boundless really speaks to what I'm feeling right now.  It's like there is a war going on inside.  I--me, who I am in the Lord--genuinely WANTS to surrender all, but the flesh wants the opposite and my sinful nature is trying to convince me to just give it up all together because I'm such a hard time doing it to begin with.  I've always been that way:  If you can't do it right, don't do it at all.  I don't WANT that though.  I want to be obedient.  Here is a bit of what the author has to say about this:

And so I have a hard time singing those words, because I know that a more honest version might go something like this: “I surrender … some.”

I think both Peter and Paul might have had similar experiences with this hymn, though for different reasons, had it been around for them to sing. Peter, of course, probably would have belted it out at the top of his voice. He was, after all, the disciple who proclaimed to Jesus on the eve of His crucifixion, “Even if all fall away on account of you, I never will” (Mt. 26:33). A few short verses later, Peter has abandoned his Lord, who’s been taken into the custody of the Jewish religious leaders. We read in v. 58, “But Peter followed him at a distance …” Shortly thereafter, three quick and vehement denials would follow. How well intended Peter’s loyalty was! How far short he fell!

And then there’s Paul. In Romans 7 we read his famous description of the war between the two natures. “So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!” (Romans 7:21-25).

I can relate to Paul’s words here. There’s a part of me that genuinely longs to walk with Jesus. And there’s another part of me that, like a stubborn prodigal, insists on doing things Sinatra-style: my way. And so I wander away. I’m reminded of Robert Robinson’s classic hymn “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing,” which includes the lines, “Let Thy goodness, like a fetter/Bind my wandering heart to Thee/Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it/Prone to leave the God I love/Here’s my heart, O take and seal it/Seal it for Thy courts above.”

*sigh*

Lord, help me.  Help me to die to myself.  Help me lay down those things that are coming between You and I.  Help me to lay down those things I have no business and not enough strength to carry myself.  Help me to let go.  Help me to be content in WHATEVER circumstance I am in.  Help me to hide your Word and promises in my heart at all times.  Help me only the way You can.  In Jesus' name.  Amen.

Bye bye, comfort zone...

I think this is the year of God setting  me up to step outside of my comfort zone.  

It started at work.  We needed to hire a clerk and my boss asked if I would be okay with doing interviews.  I said, "sure!"  Inside, I was saying, "Oh crap! I've never done that before."  So, my friend Wendy and I teamed up and started interviewing candidates.  It was totally outside of my comfort zone, but I totally loved it!  I think it actually helped bring me out of my shell even more than I already have too! 

Before I even moved back to Pomona, I had already had the mindset that as soon as I got the condo I would try to get plugged into a church and start serving right away.  Well, I thought I would have some time to psych myself up for the whole idea.  Wrong.  Out of nowhere I felt the Lord pushing me to go ahead and start attending the Vine at my church here, Calvary Chapel Chino Valley.   The Vine is the 26- to 35-year-old ministry. 

I finally forced myself to go and I run into someone I know.  Then I find myself telling that person that I want to get involved and serve (Wait, what?  Did that just come out of my mouth?).  Next thing I know, this last Friday, I'm committing to help setup before Bible Study every Friday.  Again, I just stepped outside of my comfort zone and put myself out there. 

Yay me!

Even worse... okay better... part of setting up also involves greeting people.  Aaaaa!  Now THAT'S outside my comfort zone.  I'm no the type to approach people.  I usually let others come to me.  Yikes! That's definitely going to take some courage on my part.  I'll need God's help on that one.  =)

Yes, I'm definitely sure that this will be my year of stepping outside the comfort zone.  I guess the Lord never runs out of things to teach us...

Lord, thank You.  You never cease to amaze me.  I'm also taking this as confirmation that you want me at my church... even if it's not in the same neighborhood as my future house.  Thank You for my church and thank You for new opportunities and open doors, and distractions.  ;)