Standing on the outside….

I haven’t seen my family in 2 weeks or so. Yet, for the first time, it doesn’t bother me. For the first time, I’m not antsy to see them or feeling like I need to re-connect. I know that sounds mean, but why is it not bothering me more? I don’t have a straight answer to that question, but I have my own theories.

My whole life I’ve felt like the odd man out in my family--well, in all situations truthfully, but your family should be your safe haven, right?

Growing up, I always wanted to be an individual and not to be like everyone else. I HATED it when my sisters wanted the same things I did. If they got a dress in one color, I definitely wanted it in another color. One of my favorite phrases was, “Stop copying me!” lol

Despite that need for individuality, however, on a relational level, I was desperate to fit in with my family and to feel accepted and understood. I’ve never truly felt accepted and understood. Even when taking into account that when you are young things are just difficult and everyone feels awkward, I still feel like I just never meshed well with my family.

Sometimes I feel like I was raised by totally different people too. I am very old-fashioned and old-school about many things. For example, I truly believe that as an adult, I deserve respect and, likewise, I should be showing respect to those who are older than me. That being said, I expect my nieces and people younger than me to show me respect and not to speak to me as if they are on my level. My sisters are more liberal with that type of thing and don’t think that it’s all that necessary. They literally look at me like I’m uptight and just out of control to expect that as an adult I be treated with respect by children. Well, excuse me. I didn’t know I was so backward.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand.

Lately, I just have this overwhelming desire to be on my own. I have no deep desire to see my family members or to spend time with them. I do miss my nieces, but that’s different—they are babies and we all know I love the babies.

I guess I’m just starting to realize that things just never change. These people are not going to change without intervention from the Lord. They have been programmed to see me one way and it’s up to them to make themselves see the new person that I’ve become. The problem is, I really don’t see too many signs that they are willing to do that despite them telling me otherwise. That is hurtful to me.

I’m tired of trying to show them that the old, bad side of me has been washed away by the Holy Spirit. Yes, I still have my faults and am not always the easiest person to be around, but I’m not nearly as close to being the depressed, negative person I used to be. Yet, they continue to treat me the way they treated that person. They continue to relate to me the way they related to THAT person.

I guess that’s why I just have no interest in being around them too much anymore. I’m slowly but surely forming relationships with people out here where I live, and it’s just so much easier to be around these people because they can see me for the person I am NOW—not the person I was then. The depressed, negative, self-loathing, supposed Christian is a stranger to these people.

I guess my family just needs to get up to speed on who I have become. Until then, I think I’m better off being around people who know me without the pre-conceived notions.

Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE my family with all my heart, but I don’t know that they are my priority anymore. It’s sad, but it’s true. That’s one thing that hasn’t changed about me: I always try to keep it real…


Lord, for now I feel like I need to do what I need to do to continue my relationship with You and to build relationships with other believers, but please keep this in Your hands. I’ve always wanted my family in my life and I don’t want it to be like this. I know that you are powerful and can change people’s hearts. Please work with us on this. Show me the areas where I am wrong and need improvement, Lord, so that I am not a stumbling block to Yours and my relationship and my relationship with my family. In Jesus’ name, Amen!