My great epiphany

An epiphany is a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something. Or, as some like to say, it's a "light bulb moment" or an "ah-ha! moment."

Yeah, I had one of those yesterday.

I was listening to a sermon on the radio on my way to Bible study. I can't even tell you exactly what it was about--although I remember the guy saying something about turning to a loaded gun instead of God--but I do know that it triggered (no pun intended) something in my mind. Way back when I used to struggle my hardest with depression and I was in the depths of despair, I used to cry out to the Lord and ask Him why it was that He even put me on this planet. I would cry about how nothing went right and the world hated me. In my mind, if I was just here to suffer than there was no reason for me to even be here.

Now, I never contemplated suicide, mind you. I want to make that clear... I was too selfish to send myself to Hell. lol. I did plead with Him to just remove me from this earth, however. "Take me home, Lord. Get me out of here," is what I would say.

So what was my epiphany last night? I thought about what the difference is in me between then and now and I realized that I was totally and completely wrong. There was a reason for Him to have me on this earth and it was to bring Glory to His name. That is everyone's purpose for being here.

I was just so absolutely, terribly, disgustingly wrapped up in myself and what I wanted and thought I needed. So when I didn't get things my way, I blamed it on God and the world. I never wanted His will, which is perfect and is for my own good, but I wanted my will. I've realized that when we want things our own way we will almost always be disappointed. It's no wonder I was depressed. Things weren't going my way ever and when you think they should be going your way and they don't, you are bound to think life sucks.

Now, that I am living my life in such a way that I am doing my best to look for God's will instead of mine, I can't be disappointed because His will is best and can't be stopped. Nothing we do can mess up God's plans and I know that He has great plans for me. His plans are far better than any plan you, me, or anyone else could ever come up with. When I look forward to His plans, there is no way I can be depressed.

I hope that makes sense. It sure makes sense to me now. DUH, Kristina!