Get onboard...

Wowsers!  This last weekend was crazy! 

For a while now I have felt something stirring in my spirit.  The breakup left me feeling this overwhelming need and hunger for God to just refine me and change me.  I spoke to a dear sister, Angelina, not too long ago about it and we talked about what God was doing in our lives.  We both shared a sense that he was working in us and our group of friends, all of whom serve and/or regularly attend a young adult group at our church called The Vine.  I told her that I felt like God was preparing all of us for something big.   I described it like this:  We are all on this train headed for the same destination, but God has assigned each of us a different seat with a  different view.  He is doing a work in each of us on an individual basis to prepare us for the same destination.

Well, cut to this last Friday—the night of The Vine—where we all got some somewhat unexpected news.   The Vine is no more.  It’s shutting down.  What?!!! 

Robert, our leader at The Vine (mini-pastor, if you will), explained that our Pastor, David Rosales, asked him to take over Sunday night chapel.  That is huge.  As a result though, he asked that the Vine be shut down.  Pastor David and Robert have a vision of a Sunday night study that is geared toward the young adult crowd, but not necessarily limited to only the young crowd.   They want us to come along for the ride and step up to serve at this new ministry. 

Despite how willing we all were to support Robert in this, I can’t tell you the number of expressions of disappointments from so many of us.  I literally said, “I’m not okay with this!”  lol.    To say The Vine ministry has blessed us is an understatement of epic proportions.  I know what it has done in my life alone.  For some it’s been the place they go to avoid trouble—the bars, the clubs, etc.  For all of us, it’s been a place of growth.  We have built a family there.   We were all completely side-swiped by this news.    We were none too happy. 

But….. Then we settled ourselves down.   Angelina and I left that night talking about everything that was to come.  As we discussed it, God brought our prior conversation to my remembrance.   Wait a minute!  We had sensed that something big was coming for this group.  We had sensed that God was working in us toward the same destination.  This is that destination.  This is a new opportunity.   It’s a new adventure.   God is calling us for more.  He is calling us to step outside of our safety bubble.  He’s shaking things up.  It’s not the end, but a new beginning. 

God does not call us to comfort zones.  He calls us to discomfort zones.  He calls us to keep moving forward, onward, upward toward that higher calling.  He calls us to sacrifice, die to ourselves, be fishers of men.  We have to be ready and willing.   This is all for Him.  It belongs to Him.  It’s His ministry.  It’s His church.   Time to get down to the nitty gritty. 

Lord, use me.  Do what you want with me.  Thank You for shaking things up.  Thank You for this awakening in my heart.  I do want more.  I want change.  I want to bring glory to Your Name and Your Kingdom.   

Mentorship...

I started the journey of returning to a right relationship with the Lord about 7 or so years ago.  During that time God placed women in my life as mentors.  They poured into me, they prayed for me, they told me the truth about things that weren’t right.  God used them to grow and mature me so much and I am so grateful for that.  Those women are still in my life, but not as strongly as before.  I am surrounded by godly ladies now, but I’ve realized that I need one-on-one mentorship still. 

This morning, I listened to a program on Focus on the Family about a couple who have been married 30 years.  Their story really touched a nerve with me.  Although they were believers and wanted to honor God, their relationship started out in a not-so-great way, as they stumbled into pre-marital sex.  They  eventually got married, both with their own expectations of how things should be, and quickly found themselves in trouble…. For the first 10 years of their relationship, there was a lot of sin, hurt, and pain.  I thought to myself, “that is exactly what I’m trying to avoid.”  

Thankfully, we serve a God who restores and redeems.   He did that in this couple’s relationship through mentorship.   First she reached out to some godly ladies, who came alongside her, spoke truth into her life, showed her that she could only change herself and with the help of God, and encouraged her as she did.  God started making big changes in her, but things got so bad still that she asked her husband to leave.  That was the catalyst for him them seeking godly help.  He was mentored by a godly married couple and he changed drastically too.  Through mentorship, God was able to transform them and their marriage.  Now, 20 years later, they have a successful, not-always-easy, but godly relationship. 

This story spoke to me on so many levels, but the biggest message I received is that I NEED MENTORSHIP.  I need a trusted sister or two (or three or four) who will love me enough to look me in the eye and say, “this is what I’m seeing that needs to change, sis.”  I think you forget, as you mature in the Lord, that God is not done working on you.   I really have grown and changed so much (by the grace of God—to HIM be the glory!), but there is still so much to be done.   I think somewhere inside I thought that God would work on the big things that need to change and then work out the little things, but I’m starting to see that He starts with the little things and then when those are worked out, He moves onto the bigger things, and then when those are worked out, He moves onto the whoppers.  Yikes!

The best way for me to get on-board with God working out the huge problems in me is through the loving guidance of a godly woman.   Mentorship has worked in the past, so I know if I submit to God and the counsel of a mentor, it will work again.   Lord, I want to be the best version of me I can be and that is only through you.  Do you work in me, Jesus! But first, point me in the direction of a mentor...

Dear Ex-Boyfriend...

I miss you so much.  I think about you every day and pray God is with you—I know He is.  I know this is hard for both of us and you are the person I was used to talking to when things were hard.  I would call you and let it all out and you would pray for me and see the positive side of it.  I can’t call you now and it sucks.    

Thank you for loving me the way that I am—the good, the bad, and the ugly.  For a while there, I thought only God was capable of that.  You showed me that I don’t have to do anything to make someone love me.  God also used you to show me that I am good at giving love, but I’m not good at receiving it.  I guess that goes back to thinking only God was capable of loving the real me.  Thank you for showing me I was wrong.

I am so worried and scared.  I know I should not be.  I don’t know what the future holds and God has already shown me time and time again that He is faithful and will never leave me or forsake me.  It’s hard to remember that, though, when thoughts of you or I finding someone else pop into my mind.  I can’t count how many people are optimistic that we will come back together eventually and who even declare it confidently.  Part of me is hopeful too, but I’ve been hopeful in the past about other things, and I was WRONG.  The fact is we don’t know all of God’s plans for us.  I want to believe this is only a temporary separation, but I’m scared to hope.  I’m terrified. 

Sometimes I ask God to fix everything right now.  I’m so impatient.  You told me once, “be patient with God.”  I know you were right.  You were so much more insightful and wise than I think you gave yourself credit for.  I can’t wait for the day when the light bulb goes off and you are able to clearly see the gifts God has given you.  The selfish person in me wants to see that happen first-hand and not from a distance, but I guess all that matters is that it happens, whether I’m there or not.  I know God has great plans for both of us.  I just wish I could see the end result sometimes. 

I love you.  I wish I didn’t, but I do. 

I’m asking God to help me now.  I need to move past this and keep loving Him more.   I do love Him more and that’s why what happened to us had to happen.  I know you know that, but sometimes I’m scared you don’t and you hate me and think I wanted out of the relationship.  Maybe that’s the enemy’s way of condemning me for being obedient.  Please know that I did love you and I do love you and I wanted to be with you.  This was God’s choice.  I didn’t want this for us, but I did want God’s will and I know you want His will too.  We need to cling to that. 

I pray that God will grow us—that we will stay focused on Him and let him do the perfecting work in us that He wants to do.  I pray that we continue to seek His will in all things. I pray that one day, no matter the outcome, we look back and give God the glory for the amazing work He did in our lives through all this pain and heartache. 

Good bye for now...

Get over it...

One thing I love and hate about how God made me is that I'm a big-time feeler.  It's good because I am able to feel empathy and sympathy on deep levels.  It's bad because it's hard for me to get past stuff.  I tend to hurt a lot longer than others.

I am having a difficult time getting through this breakup.  It's driving me crazy.  If it were up to me, I would just shut all the feelings off like a light switch, but I don't work that way.  For me it always takes time.

The old me was ok with taking all the time I needed.  A sick part of me relished in the misery of it all, but that is not me anymore.  I hate it.  I HATE IT! 

What's worse is I want to talk about it all the time.  I know it doesn't help.  I know people are probably over it already, but it's hard not to talk about something that is always in your thoughts.  Get out of my thoughts!

I'm sure God doesn't appreciate it either. The only one who should be in my thoughts at all times is Jesus and His Word.  Period.  The whole point of the breakup was to fix our eyes back on Jesus.  I don't know about the Ex, but I sure am battling between Jesus and the situation.  I'm tired of this whole scenario!

I seriously want to punch myself in the face...

Lord, help me.  I got out of the boat like You asked, now help me to fix my gaze on You so I can walk on water.

Mind my business...

We live in a society that values privacy.  I agree with that, to a certain degree.  As a Christian though, I think the more of my business my brothers and sisters know the better for me (within appropriate boundaries, of course).  It's called accountability. 

Before this last relationship, all I knew was dating in the world.  Dating in the world usually means little to no accountability.  We meet total strangers and try to get to know them based mostly on how they present themselves to us.  You may or may not get to meet their friends and family. Hopefully, they are genuine, but most of the time they are initially only putting their best foot forward and you have to take a chance that they are who they say they are.  If there is something sketchy about them, 9 times out of 10 the people they know aren't going to warn you about it for fear of appearing to meddle or be disloyal.

In the church it's a very different and I would say a lot better for everyone involved.  First off, you know you are dealing with people who love Jesus, for the most part (there are always those wolves in sheep's clothing, but they inevitably show their true colors or people warn you to be careful).  If you get involved at church you get to know people and they can usually vouch for your character to the other person and vice versa.  People usually do things in groups, so there's safety in numbers.  Everyone is looking out for you.

Even though it was hard to adjust to having so many people involved in my life, I definitely like and appreciate this system a lot better than the world's system.  It's for my benefit.  It's for everyone's benefit. 

However good the system though, it's flawed because it still involves imperfect human beings.

I recently found out that there were people who were worried about my relationship before we broke up.  They discussed it amongst themselves.  They talked about how we needed help.  Problem is they never talked about it with us.  They never confronted us with it.  They could have helped, or maybe not, but they didn't even try.

I don't necessarily think these people were intentionally gossiping because I believe there was genuine concern for us, but they didn't love us enough to correct us or come alongside us and point us in the right direction.  They did the worldly thing and stayed out of it.  They kind of let us down.

Before you think I'm mad, I'm not. I love my brothers and sisters and I know they love me.  I don't think they realized it would get to the point that it did.  I'm sure they figured we would get through it and grow.  I can't be mad at them because I don't know if I would have intervened either if I was in their shoes.  I fail too.  

So lesson learned I guess.  For them and for me... When you see someone heading in the wrong direction, tell them!  Don't talk to others about it and then stand back and hope the person gets help.  That's like watching a boat head straight for an iceberg and instead of warning the captain, you just stand back and say to the person next to you, "What a shame. Hope they notice before it's too late." 

There is no love in minding our business.  

2 Timothy 4:2

Preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching.

1 Thessalonians 5:14

And we urge you, brothers, admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all.

Where He takes us...

Years ago, when I first lived In the Pomona valley and got plugged into my church, I would jokingly tell the rest of my family how much I wished they lived out here too. "It's so much better out here," I would say. 

They just laughed at me.   I totally understand why.  Back then it was an impossibility.  My parents were separated.  My sister Kim was married to my brother-in-law Mike and they had their own home in the Santa Clarita area, near his family. Katie just scoffed at the idea--her friends, school, work and life were all out in San Fernando.  It's not something I really thought would happen and it's not something they even wanted for themselves.

Well, God had His own agenda.  He is a God who likes to prove us wrong and knock our socks off doing it.

It all started with Him bringing my parents back together.  Then He gave me my own place out here. Then He took Mike home. Everything changed.

Now here we are.  Kim and her kids are purchasing a home in the area.  Katie is planning to come out next year when she graduates.  By this time next year my silly little dream of our whole family living in this area, together again, will be a reality.

It's crazy.  Never did I think things would turn out this way.  Never did I think my family would experience the things we've experienced.  

God's ways are not our ways and His thoughts really are above our thoughts.  He makes no sense, but man is He awesome.

Walking in Obedience...

One of the hardest things I've done is be in a relationship.  It was not easy.  Two selfish sinners trying to think of the needs of the other, honor God, not stumble each other, etc.  It really brings out who you really are and confronts you with it.

As hard as it was, harder still was walking away from it.  We love each other.  We wanted to be together, but God said no.

I told myself I would never date another "baby Christian."  He was different.  He was growing so quickly and God showed me things in him I had asked for.  I took a leap and let God lead.  Where I went wrong was that when Jesus and I were almost to our destination, I looked ahead at what was approaching and instead of letting Him continue to lead, I ran ahead to get there faster.  We (the Ex and I) both did.

What resulted was us rushing into a relationship before we were both fully equipped.  It was me never quite feeling right or at peace.  It was neither of us growing in our relationship with Christ.  It was him losing his desire to learn and grow in the knowledge of the word.  It was him not fellowshiping with his brothers and having accountability.  It was me becoming his mommy with the "you should be" and "why aren't you" statements and pleading with God to make him into the leader I needed him to be.  It was us arguing and disrespecting.  And then it became us trying to put a bandaid on a broken leg.

Finally, God told me what I needed to hear:  you have taken My place in his heart; get out of the way; mind your business; I need to work on you too.  I knew He was right and I obeyed.  It's killing me, but I'm obeying.  I did what God told me and I walked away.

Some say, "life is short.  If you love each other work it out together."  That's right.  Life IS short and I have wasted too much of mine being disobedient to God and paying harsher consequences than I needed to.  I learned, though.  Nothing in this world is worth disobeying God. Nothing. 

I don't know what the future holds.  He could grow into a mighty man of God and I will hopefully learn to have a better attitude, be more patient and grow into the godly woman God is calling me to be and then the Lord could bring us back together.  Or not.  As much as it hurts and will continue to hurt, I will never regret being obedient to God.  He is faithful.  He will honor my obedience...

If you think of me, say a little prayer for strength. :)

Unforgiving...

I've been reading through the Bible since the new year and I'm at Proverbs (I know... Barely lol).  So many awesome nuggets of truth in that book.  Solomon truly was wise.  

Anyway, the theme that jumped out to me this morning was about forgiveness toward one another.  Part of the reason it stood out so much is because there is someone in my life who has been unforgiving with me.  Worse, I don't even know what I did to insult her to begin with.  This person is new in The Lord and still in the learning process, but nevertheless it's been weighing on my heart so much because I love this person. 

I took a few of these verses and posted them to Instagram with a caption acknowledging how unforgiving and easily insulted I used to be before I yielded to God and let Him work in me to change these things.  Not gonna lie; I'm hoping she will see it.  Lol.  I'm praying God does a work in her heart to be less sensitive and more forgiving.  She reminds me so much of myself and I know it took God a good while to change me; not because He is incapable, but because I was stubborn.

Lord, help me to remember how far You have brought me.  Help me to choose forgiveness...