All over again...

I'm so inconsistent with this blog.  I know this.  Partly because I've been journaling on paper for awhile now.  I just pick that book up and start writing.  It's right there next to my bed, with a handy little pen sitting right there next to it.  Sorry blog. 

I'm looking back at that journal and this blog to the things that have happened in the last year or so and I feel like deja vu is going down here.  A few posts ago I was talking about my breakup and the struggle to get over it and not be hurting.  Fast forward a little and I'm talking about the hope I had for restoration.  Well, now I'm here at square one again... hurt.  Except now you can add disappointed and sometimes just angry.

The beautiful thing about us breaking up the first time was that God used it to open up my eyes to the things inside of me that needed to change.  Little by little, He's been showing me the things that could have hindered me from having a successful marriage in the future.  As painful as it was, I welcomed it.  "Hit me, Jesus!"  I want to be set straight!

Proverbs 3:11-12 (NIV) "My son, do not despise the Lord's discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in."

In that time apart I have been hoping and praying that my Ex would make the best of it also.  I believed that the Lord would use the time and the experience to grow and mature him also--to teach him how to be a godly man who can lead and who loves God first.  I know God had much to show him too, but he needed to be open to that.  He needed to be welcoming of it.  He needed to be looking for it.   Instead, he started feeding the homeless.  

What's wrong with feeding the homeless?  Nothing.  It's a good thing, but it means nothing if it's not done for the Lord's glory.  If any work you do is only done for the world to see how "good" you are, it's meaningless.  It's for you to be glorified.  It's for the appearance of godliness.  It doesn't change the heart.  What did NOT happen was him seeking out godly men to disciple him, him developing an insatiable appetite for the Word, him growing in maturity, him humbling himself in any way.

1 Samuel 16:7 (ESV) "But the Lord said to Samuel, 'Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.'”

Unfortunately, I did not see these things in our time apart because I was maintaining a bit of distance between us.  I was relying on the words of other to tell me that they saw him "growing."  I was also letting my fears get the best of me and started freaking out at the idea of him moving on.  So being the idiot that I am sometimes, I started pushing things.  In one of my previous posts, I mention that he came over on Christmas Eve and that we shared time together on New Year's Eve.  Then, I changed my approach.  I started being in a lot of prayer about what the Lord would have me do and I clearly knew He was telling me to step back and let  Him deal with my Ex directly.  He was going to speak to him about whether or not we should move forward again.  So I listened.  I stood back. 

Then I found us spending time together here and there in group settings.  Things were going well.  A very select few people were praying for us.  I was trying to take it easy.  Then one day he invited me to a party with him.  I went and we had a great time.  People thought we were together and we didn't exactly correct them.  On the way home, he asked if we could get movies and watch them at my house.  

"Say no, Kristina!  You know better than that!"

We picked up the movies and went back to my house.  We ended up on the couch, cuddling.  No kissing, or anything like that, but still.  We should not have been doing this.  I should not have allowed a man who is not my boyfriend, let alone my husband, in my house alone at night and certainly not cuddling on the couch.  I guess in my mind, this was the Lord "working it out."  At one point, he asked me if I loved him.  I nodded a "yes."   I thought to myself, "Lord, I do love him.  Fix this already."

After that day we made  more plans to do things together, but we both had no interest in telling the whole world.  I told a few select, trustworthy sisters, so that I could stay accountable and they could pray for us.  Then something strange happened.  One night we spoke on the phone and the conversation went in a weird direction.  He started accusing me of things I've never done.  These were things that "people" had told him.  Then he started asking me if I thought the Lord separated us because He didn't want us together.  I told him that I did not; that, in fact, I felt the Lord wanted us to grow apart from each other so that we could have a successful relationship together with each other. He told me he didn't know what he wanted.  I then gave him a chance to tell me if God was telling him that we should not be together.  He said no.  Then he told me that I had a wall up and didn't share my true feelings with him.  I asked how he didn't know my feelings after I had just recently told him (on my couch) that I love him... ??  It was just very strange.

He kept pushing.  In that moment, my instincts (aka the Holy Spirit) were telling me not to share my true feelings with him, but I completely ignored the warning.  I thought, "maybe he needs to know how I feel so that he will feel secure moving forward."  So I did it.  I poured my little heart out to him... everything.  We talked about other things.  He told me that he has not changed and is still the same guy, which I thought meant that I needed to accept him the way he is (I now know, he meant just that... no change at all).  I told him I trusted him and knew he would never hurt me like other guys have.  We agreed to pray about it, that now was not the time, that we should continue growing as friends, and we should continue with our plans to hang out.

Next day, he was texting me in the morning, pumped about plans we had to go to Disneyland the following day.  I had no idea what was coming.

That evening I came back from Bible Study and my phone started ringing.  It was him.  I answered and he told me he had "good news."  That made me sit up.  Then he proceeded to tell me that he had fasted and prayed and "God said no."

Wait, what?

At first I was speechless.  I know the Lord told me He would speak to my Ex about whether we should move forward, but everything in me knew this was NOT from the Lord.  When in the world did he fast and pray?  Since that very morning when he was texting me about Disneyland?  Or was it beforehand when he was hanging out at my house?  It didn't make sense.  I tried to reason with him, but I wasn't going to sit there and try to convince him.  His mind was made up.  Well at least it seemed others had made up his mind for him.  At the end, I hung up... angry and confused, but 100% positive it was not from the Lord. 

The next morning, I was of course broken.  I prayed all day and then sent him a text.  I brought up things that didn't line up and then asked him to please truly fast and pray to see what the Lord wants because I didn't think it was really from the Lord.  I sent it and he immediately replied.  He stood by everything he said the night before and disregarded the inconsistencies.   That was that.  I let it go.  I was not going to beg or look anymore foolish than I already looked after pouring my heart out to this bozo.

So the door was shut.  He shut it.  That was that.  I purposed in my heart to let it go.  People asked if I thought maybe it was not the Lord's will after all that we be together, but I don't believe that.  Despite our mistakes, I felt the Lord was trying to give us a gift of a second chance.   I believe that when God wants to give us a gift, he gives us free will to choose whether we want to accept it or reject it.  It's like Salvation.  It's a gift and some people choose not to accept it, but it's ultimately a choice God let's them have.  

The Ex chose no.  The end.   Well, not quite...

Not long after this (literally less than a week), my instincts started telling me that he was going to backtrack. He was going to realize he messed up and reacted out of fear instead of truly seeking the Lord for direction and guidance.  I confessed this instinct to a sister in Christ and asked her to help me stay away from him.  I was not going to let him play with my heart.  Plus, I was angry.  Really angry.  I don't think anyone would blame me either.    Eventually, I realized I needed to forgive.  I sent him a text telling him how he hurt me, but that I wanted to forgive and move forward to what God has for me.  I sent it and then blocked him.  I didn't care what his response was.  I just wanted closure.

Then about a week before I was to leave to Israel (future blog post on that to come), I went to Disneyland with a friend.  While there, I get a call from one of the Ex's closest friends.  This guy had just told me that God was restoring his marriage with his estranged wife.  His tone of voice scared me and I thought something had gone wrong.  He wasn't calling about himself though.  He was calling to tell me how brokenhearted the Ex was and how we had not been nice to each other lately.  I was confused. I thought he was referring to our initial breakup, which was not something I "did" to him.  He clarified that lately I had not been the nicest to the Ex.  That's when I realized he had no idea about "the Lord saying no."  The Ex wasn't being honest with anyone.  He has no accountability. 

So I took the opportunity to tell his friend the truth of what had happened... even the mistakes I made.  After he heard that, his tone changed.  He then told me he understood why I was angry and hurt.  He didn't believe that what the Ex said was from the Lord either.  It was fear and immaturity.  I felt so vindicated, but also very irritated by the whole thing.   Especially because despite how obviously wrong the Ex had treated me, his friend was still trying to convince me to give him a chance.   No way, Jose!  I told him that even if I thought about maybe letting him back in my life, it would be after a lot of work and change on his part.  I left it at that; he remained BLOCKED.  I was more concerned at that point with my trip to Israel anyway.  I was looking forward to be renewed and refreshed and not having to think about all this stupid drama.

I went to Israel and hardly thought of the situation.  It was a blessed time.  The Lord spoke to me about a few things.  Heading back, I did feel that I wanted to seek the Lord on whether I needed to give the Ex another chance.  For sure I knew I needed to show him grace.  The day after we returned from our trip, his sister (my friend) was throwing her son's 1st birthday party. I  had promised I would go and didn't want to break my promise, despite the extreme jetlag I was experience (I was literally like a hungover zombie... lol).  I got to the party and prayed.  I asked the Lord to help me be gracious and kind.  I love the family and didn't want to be a jerk. I also didn't want any reason for anyone to look at me like I was the bad guy.  Again, just like the "God said no" conversation, I didn't see what happened next coming... and that grace I was showing was about to go out the window.

A few hours into the party all seemed to be going well.  I was chit-chatting with his parents, like old times.  It was nice to see that they didn't hate my guts.  Then here it comes.  The sister and the mom start acting strange.  Next thing I know, the sister is telling me that my Ex had approached one of our leaders at church for advice on how to get me back.  Apparently, he wanted us to be friends again and as soon as we were close friends, he wanted to marry me.  She said he wanted to talk to me.   I was shocked and told her, "he told me the Lord said no!"  She acknowledged she was aware of that, but I knew she probably didn't know the whole story.  I proceeded to try to give her the quick run down (which is obviously hard if you look at the size of this blog post).  At the end, she said she understood, but told me that we both needed to forgive each other. 

Uh, okay... not sure what I did, but yeah.  HE was the one who lead my heart in a certain direction.  HE is the one who let me be completely vulnerable and then stomped all over my feelings.  HE is the one who lied to me.

Well, he wanted to talk, so he walked me to my car and we talked.  Well, more like he talked and I yelled.  I was beyond annoyed.  First off, I JUST got back from Israel and they couldn't wait for me to be rested and settled in before they corner me and lay this on me?  When I said that to him, his response was that HE was suffering the whole time I was gone and HE couldn't wait to talk to me.   Wah wah wah... Me me me!  That's all I heard. Secondly, he didn't even apologize to me for hurting my heart, breaking my trust, lying to me, and stamping God's name on that lie.  He only apologized when I told him he owed me an apology, but even then he added, "but it's cause I was mad."  Mad at what?  And are you basically telling me you hurt me on purpose?  Was this your revenge for me breaking up with you? 

The whole conversation was a disaster.  It was so clear to me that he had not learned anything.  He was like a little boy who was freaking out because he lost his toy.  None of it was about any remorse for what he had done to me.  I just walked away seeing him so differently.  This man was NO WHERE near where he needs to be.  Nothing has changed since we broke up.  Nothing.  No growth.  No maturity.  No humility.

In the end, he asked if we could pray about getting back together.  I told him to go ahead and pray (I had been praying this whole time and he admitted he hadn't... what's the difference now?).  He asked what he needed to do and I told him that I couldn't tell him, but that it would have to be a lot.  I told him that only Jesus can tell him what he needs to do to win me back because I gave my heart to the Lord for Him to decide who it should go to (because obviously I do a terrible job choosing... read through old posts to see for yourself).  He said a prayer and asked that I un-block him.  I told him I would if he didn't blow up my phone.   Even that he didn't respect though because in the weeks to come he was sending me text after text of recycled Bible verses and devotionals.  I knew he was not actually getting in his Word.  He was doing the one thing that was going to make things worse:  not giving me space.

So I gave it a couple of weeks. I asked the Lord to confirm whether I should give it one more shot.  Silence. I knew in my heart that I had lost all respect and trust in him and I could not be lead by a man who I don't respect and can't follow.  How could I follow someone who could so easily lie to me and about the Lord telling him something?  I can't. I don't want a relationship like that for myself or for him.  So I finally did what needed to be done... I told him that it was a no.  This man made it a no a long time ago.  He chose this.  This is the consequence of a decision he made.

So here I am.  Alone... by choice.  But not by choice. 

This is not how I wanted this to happen. This is not what I would have chosen.  I wanted everything to turn out and for us to grow into a relationship with each other.  Instead, he made a decision to reject that and in the process ruined everything.  Why couldn't he just have grown?  Why couldn't he just have sought the Lord?  Why couldn't he have been accountable and real about his struggles?  Etc. Etc. Etc.  Woulda, coulda, shoulda... as they say. 

I'm back to feeling hurt.  It's like a break up all over again.  The only thing I know for sure is that God is good and I have learned a lot from this.  Never again will I give my heart to someone I barely know.  I will always make sure that any man I give any time to is a solid, grounded believer who bares fruit and has known the Lord for a while. 

Before you think I completely hate this guy's guts, I don't.  When I broke the news to him that it wasn't going to happen, I was as gracious as I could be. I tried not to throw all his mistakes in his face. I was just honest.  He understood.  I also ended the conversation with as much encouragement as I could.  I told him that I believe in him. I believe that with growth and maturity, he WILL be a great husband one day and the man that God is calling him to me. I told him that I pray he allows the Lord to search his heart to show him where he needs to grow.  He finished it off with a prayer for both of us and our future spouses.  That was hard. 

I pray that God gives me the strength to continue to choose Him over anything and anyone and to allow him to choose "the one."   I can't do this anymore.  I want the next guy to be the last.  I'm grateful for the work God has done and will continue to do. I'm grateful for the lessons learned and the heart changes that are being made in me. 

Romans 8:28 "All things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose."

Knock me out...

It's a new year!  Yay!   I'm really hoping things are not as heartbreaking as last year (deaths, breakups, etc.).  Praying for breakthroughs and resolution to unknown circumstances.   Although I have much to look forward to (Israel trip in April especially!), I'm really hoping for hope. 

The Ex and I spoke recently and we basically agreed that we need to treat each other with love like a brother and sister.  We also agreed that although we do not want to shut the door on "us," now is not the time.   All that is good, but then Christmas Eve he came over and we spent time together (it was innocent, but probably still not a great idea).  Even worse, New Year's Eve we crossed a little bit of a line when, at the stroke of Midnight, we embraced and a little, baby kiss was involved (mostly by me, but yeah).   Ay!   Those types of no-nos can't happen.  This is going to be very hard.

I know that we are in limbo right now and I also know that it's a time to wait on the Lord.  I'm back to feeling peace about it, but I'm also asking God to put me to sleep to this.  In fact, I want Him to put me to sleep to my love life altogether.   I know it is not what I need to be dwelling on.  The fact is that God asked me to be single and part of being single is using that time wisely to serve Him.   Not only has He given me the Friday night group (which is growing!!), but He is asking me to serve in other places.  I see that He wants all of me right now. 

So, Lord, knock me out.  

Genesis 2:20-22
"But for Adam no suitable helper was found. ²¹ So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. ²² Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man."

Whether the Ex or some other guy is supposed to be my husband one day, we both need to be asleep to the situation and each other before God can bring us to each other.  The best way for me to put it to bed is to be busy about the Lord's business. 

Wait. Trust. Hope.

God has done so much since my last post.  Some sisters and I started a women's group on Friday nights in my home.  It's not a Bible Study, but rather a time of devotion and fellowship.  It's been a huge blessing.  There are 6 of us who attend right now, including my sister Kim.  God has used it in big ways.  My sister is growing in Him and that alone makes sacrificing my Friday nights completely worth it.  God is so good!

However, with stepping out in obedience (separating from the Ex and starting this group), comes attacks from the enemy.  I've struggled very much in the last few weeks.  I went from a spiritual high and complete trust and faith in whatever God has for me in the future, to sheer terror and worry about my future and what's going to happen with the Ex.

You see, I love him and I know now he is the man for me, but I know that it's not the time and with waiting on The Lord comes doubts as to whether it's what God has planned for me.  The enemy has been running wild with those fears.  This is his M.O. with me, but he really stepped it up.  

Last night I confessed my discouragement to the ladies in the group and what happened was awesome and definitely from The Lord.  It was revealed that God is bringing my weaknesses to the surface so that they can be removed.  He is taking the chains of fear and anxiety over my future that I've carried my whole life and breaking them.

The ladies laid hands on me and we pleaded to God for just that:  to break the chains in the name of Jesus!  

Wow!  It was amazing.  Talk about a spiritual battle, but in the midst of the praying God gave me a vision of all his saints standing high on the edge of a cliff in victory, watching the enemy (the pursuer of my life) get cast down and defeated by The Lord.  Vindication.  

Thank you, Lord.  Greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world.

I'm so ready for these chains to be loosed and cast away.  No more will they hold me back from the blessings God has for me.  Thank you, Jesus.

I know I need to let go of the Ex and what my future has.  I still hope that God works things out for us, but I know I need to press on and keep my eyes on Him.  I need to have a deep, abiding faith and I need to wait with expectant hope of the amazing things God has planned for me (Jeremiah 29:11). Amen!

The enemy is cray cray...

It never fails when you set out to do something for the Lord, the enemy flips out and tries to mess things up.   We are starting this new ministry on Sunday Nights and we are all on board.  We want to serve the Lord, reach more people in our age group (late twenties/thirties), and grow this little family we have into a community.  We had a our final night of the Vine last Friday and we were already making plans as to how we were going to maintain fellowship and the closeness we have.  

Yeah, well the enemy doesn’t like us doing anything for the kingdom of God, nor does he want us to be close and unified.  So he tries to cause division.  Jerk.

I won’t get into the details, but I’m seeing how he is stirring the pot amongst the group.   Today it dawned on me, after being pulled into two different situations of potential drama, that He is trying to turn us against each other.   That would be a good way to mess things up, wouldn’t it?   Except for one thing:  WE DON’T HAVE TO FALL FOR IT!   We don’t have to take part in it.  We need to see it for what it is… attacks. 

The Bible says to put on the full armor of God because we will have to stand against this type of stuff:

Ephesians 6:10-18

10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.  18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

I think God saved the best part for last:  KEEP ON PRAYING FOR ALL THE LORD’S PEOPLE!  We need to be in constant prayer over each other and over this ministry.  With prayer and all the other parts of the armor, we should be alright.  Greater is He who is in us, than he who is in the world! 

He will not win.

Look around and be encouraged...

It’s so very hard for me to be discouraged right about now…. What with all the work I see God doing.  =)

Aside from the work God is doing in me right now, I’m seeing Him do work in the lives of other people I really care about.  It’s seriously astonishing, but at the same time, not surprising.  I serve THE mighty and powerful God of the universe after all. 

Two years ago this month I started working for the Department of Mental Health and became fast friends with a co-worker, Wendy.  She was a sweetheart and we both had very similar views on life.  She did not know Jesus though.   God crossed our paths for a purpose.  For me, she was a shoulder to lean on during a difficult time with someone who broke my heart.   In the midst of that situation, even though I’m sure I wasn’t always the greatest representative of Christ, I was able to show her what it is to have faith and lean on God during a trial.  Where God really used me to impact her, though, was when she was going through a trial of her own.  I was able to minister to her with the truth of God’s word.  When everyone else was telling her to give up and turn her back on the person who was hurting her, I encouraged her to forgive and pray for that person and to believe that God can redeem and change ANYONE.  I did my best to tell and show her that there is a God out there who loves her and wants the best for her.  I encouraged her to focus on her own relationship with God.  Well, God is so good and he uses even imperfect Christians like me to do His work. 

This last Easter she gave her life to Jesus.   This last August, the person with whom she was going through a major trial gave their life to Jesus.  Now they are both in love with Jesus.   All this because God put us in each other lives.  Today, she expressed gratitude for me in her life.   It wasn’t me.  It was Jesus.  I am the one who is thankful… thankful to be used by God in a small way to His glory and for His kingdom.  I am also thankful that our friendship does not have to end in this life.  Praise God!

Yesterday, I woke up discouraged about the situation with the Ex.  I was feeling fearful about what the future holds EVEN THOUGH God keeps showing me that things are going to be okay.   Well, I went to service and when I walked in, there he was.  I was shocked to see that standing next to him was his father.   This is a man who has struggled with alcohol.  This is a man who doesn’t (or didn’t?) know the Lord.  This is a man whose children have been praying for and ministering to him for a while now.  This is a man who almost died a month ago while on vacation in Mexico, but by the grace of God his family was able to fly down and get him home and is still with us.    To see him at church, let alone looking somewhat healthy, blessed me so much!

I immediately walked up to them, said hi to the Ex and then to his dad. I told his dad that I was so glad to see him there and that I had been praying for him.  He thanked me and then I sat down in the pew behind them.  All I could do the whole worship time was praise God for bringing this man to church.  The message was so perfect also.  There were elements for the Ex, his Dad, and me.   God was really present there. 

After service we walked out together along with my Ex’s brother.  It was nice because it’s been a while since the Ex and I have been able to talk and not be awkward with each other.  We chit-chatted a little and then that was when his father interjected.   He reiterated his thanks for all the prayers and expressed the belief that they were what kept him alive.  I told him that not only did I pray, but I had my whole family praying for him.  I could see the sheer gratitude on his face.  Then he told me something that made me tear up:  He was so scared to die alone in Mexico.  Oh man.   We talked some more and then he told me that this was the second time in his life that he almost died.  

Now this is when God did something. 

I looked this man straight in the eye and I said, “So what is God telling you?”   He paused and I could see his mind working.   Then I went on:  “He’s saying, ‘I love you…. I want you.  I want you.’” 

What happen next surprised not only me, but his sons who were standing there.  This macho Mexican man broke down crying.   Of course, I then started crying.  It was way too much emotion going on in front of the doors of our church.  LOL!   His sons hugged him and all I could say was, “look how lucky you are to have a family who loves you so much.”   It really was a beautiful moment.   It was a God moment and, again, I was so thankful to be used by God in such a small way to impact a life for His kingdom.  I know… I KNOW… God is calling this man.  He is calling the whole family.  I feel so blessed to witness it happen.

On top of the blessing of seeing God touch a man’s heart, it was so encouraging to know that no matter what happens with the Ex and I, there is so much love between this family and I.  I was happy to show my Ex just how much he and his family mean to me.  God just continues to show me that He has this situation in His hands and He WILL honor our obedience and redeem the time that has been lost. 

How can I not be encouraged right now?  Praise Jesus!!!

Get onboard...

Wowsers!  This last weekend was crazy! 

For a while now I have felt something stirring in my spirit.  The breakup left me feeling this overwhelming need and hunger for God to just refine me and change me.  I spoke to a dear sister, Angelina, not too long ago about it and we talked about what God was doing in our lives.  We both shared a sense that he was working in us and our group of friends, all of whom serve and/or regularly attend a young adult group at our church called The Vine.  I told her that I felt like God was preparing all of us for something big.   I described it like this:  We are all on this train headed for the same destination, but God has assigned each of us a different seat with a  different view.  He is doing a work in each of us on an individual basis to prepare us for the same destination.

Well, cut to this last Friday—the night of The Vine—where we all got some somewhat unexpected news.   The Vine is no more.  It’s shutting down.  What?!!! 

Robert, our leader at The Vine (mini-pastor, if you will), explained that our Pastor, David Rosales, asked him to take over Sunday night chapel.  That is huge.  As a result though, he asked that the Vine be shut down.  Pastor David and Robert have a vision of a Sunday night study that is geared toward the young adult crowd, but not necessarily limited to only the young crowd.   They want us to come along for the ride and step up to serve at this new ministry. 

Despite how willing we all were to support Robert in this, I can’t tell you the number of expressions of disappointments from so many of us.  I literally said, “I’m not okay with this!”  lol.    To say The Vine ministry has blessed us is an understatement of epic proportions.  I know what it has done in my life alone.  For some it’s been the place they go to avoid trouble—the bars, the clubs, etc.  For all of us, it’s been a place of growth.  We have built a family there.   We were all completely side-swiped by this news.    We were none too happy. 

But….. Then we settled ourselves down.   Angelina and I left that night talking about everything that was to come.  As we discussed it, God brought our prior conversation to my remembrance.   Wait a minute!  We had sensed that something big was coming for this group.  We had sensed that God was working in us toward the same destination.  This is that destination.  This is a new opportunity.   It’s a new adventure.   God is calling us for more.  He is calling us to step outside of our safety bubble.  He’s shaking things up.  It’s not the end, but a new beginning. 

God does not call us to comfort zones.  He calls us to discomfort zones.  He calls us to keep moving forward, onward, upward toward that higher calling.  He calls us to sacrifice, die to ourselves, be fishers of men.  We have to be ready and willing.   This is all for Him.  It belongs to Him.  It’s His ministry.  It’s His church.   Time to get down to the nitty gritty. 

Lord, use me.  Do what you want with me.  Thank You for shaking things up.  Thank You for this awakening in my heart.  I do want more.  I want change.  I want to bring glory to Your Name and Your Kingdom.   

Mentorship...

I started the journey of returning to a right relationship with the Lord about 7 or so years ago.  During that time God placed women in my life as mentors.  They poured into me, they prayed for me, they told me the truth about things that weren’t right.  God used them to grow and mature me so much and I am so grateful for that.  Those women are still in my life, but not as strongly as before.  I am surrounded by godly ladies now, but I’ve realized that I need one-on-one mentorship still. 

This morning, I listened to a program on Focus on the Family about a couple who have been married 30 years.  Their story really touched a nerve with me.  Although they were believers and wanted to honor God, their relationship started out in a not-so-great way, as they stumbled into pre-marital sex.  They  eventually got married, both with their own expectations of how things should be, and quickly found themselves in trouble…. For the first 10 years of their relationship, there was a lot of sin, hurt, and pain.  I thought to myself, “that is exactly what I’m trying to avoid.”  

Thankfully, we serve a God who restores and redeems.   He did that in this couple’s relationship through mentorship.   First she reached out to some godly ladies, who came alongside her, spoke truth into her life, showed her that she could only change herself and with the help of God, and encouraged her as she did.  God started making big changes in her, but things got so bad still that she asked her husband to leave.  That was the catalyst for him them seeking godly help.  He was mentored by a godly married couple and he changed drastically too.  Through mentorship, God was able to transform them and their marriage.  Now, 20 years later, they have a successful, not-always-easy, but godly relationship. 

This story spoke to me on so many levels, but the biggest message I received is that I NEED MENTORSHIP.  I need a trusted sister or two (or three or four) who will love me enough to look me in the eye and say, “this is what I’m seeing that needs to change, sis.”  I think you forget, as you mature in the Lord, that God is not done working on you.   I really have grown and changed so much (by the grace of God—to HIM be the glory!), but there is still so much to be done.   I think somewhere inside I thought that God would work on the big things that need to change and then work out the little things, but I’m starting to see that He starts with the little things and then when those are worked out, He moves onto the bigger things, and then when those are worked out, He moves onto the whoppers.  Yikes!

The best way for me to get on-board with God working out the huge problems in me is through the loving guidance of a godly woman.   Mentorship has worked in the past, so I know if I submit to God and the counsel of a mentor, it will work again.   Lord, I want to be the best version of me I can be and that is only through you.  Do you work in me, Jesus! But first, point me in the direction of a mentor...

Dear Ex-Boyfriend...

I miss you so much.  I think about you every day and pray God is with you—I know He is.  I know this is hard for both of us and you are the person I was used to talking to when things were hard.  I would call you and let it all out and you would pray for me and see the positive side of it.  I can’t call you now and it sucks.    

Thank you for loving me the way that I am—the good, the bad, and the ugly.  For a while there, I thought only God was capable of that.  You showed me that I don’t have to do anything to make someone love me.  God also used you to show me that I am good at giving love, but I’m not good at receiving it.  I guess that goes back to thinking only God was capable of loving the real me.  Thank you for showing me I was wrong.

I am so worried and scared.  I know I should not be.  I don’t know what the future holds and God has already shown me time and time again that He is faithful and will never leave me or forsake me.  It’s hard to remember that, though, when thoughts of you or I finding someone else pop into my mind.  I can’t count how many people are optimistic that we will come back together eventually and who even declare it confidently.  Part of me is hopeful too, but I’ve been hopeful in the past about other things, and I was WRONG.  The fact is we don’t know all of God’s plans for us.  I want to believe this is only a temporary separation, but I’m scared to hope.  I’m terrified. 

Sometimes I ask God to fix everything right now.  I’m so impatient.  You told me once, “be patient with God.”  I know you were right.  You were so much more insightful and wise than I think you gave yourself credit for.  I can’t wait for the day when the light bulb goes off and you are able to clearly see the gifts God has given you.  The selfish person in me wants to see that happen first-hand and not from a distance, but I guess all that matters is that it happens, whether I’m there or not.  I know God has great plans for both of us.  I just wish I could see the end result sometimes. 

I love you.  I wish I didn’t, but I do. 

I’m asking God to help me now.  I need to move past this and keep loving Him more.   I do love Him more and that’s why what happened to us had to happen.  I know you know that, but sometimes I’m scared you don’t and you hate me and think I wanted out of the relationship.  Maybe that’s the enemy’s way of condemning me for being obedient.  Please know that I did love you and I do love you and I wanted to be with you.  This was God’s choice.  I didn’t want this for us, but I did want God’s will and I know you want His will too.  We need to cling to that. 

I pray that God will grow us—that we will stay focused on Him and let him do the perfecting work in us that He wants to do.  I pray that we continue to seek His will in all things. I pray that one day, no matter the outcome, we look back and give God the glory for the amazing work He did in our lives through all this pain and heartache. 

Good bye for now...